View Full Version : Being a Man :- The Rules

1st Aug 2001, 07:27
The Rules!

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow party goers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to
wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much
beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
threw it into a ceiling fan.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

1st Aug 2001, 07:58
* Never tell a mate how much youd love to f*ck his girlfriend. You can tell another mate though.

* If the hot sun bothers you, a hat and some zinc on your nose is ok. Sun-brollys are a definite no-no.

* Women front with a plate. Men front with beer. Period.

* Washing dinner plates, doing the laundry, washing the floor, cleaning your room etc is acceptable if your woman told you to and a BJ is pending upon your compliance. For single guys its strictly taboo unless its to wash new beer mugs for late blow-ins to the p!ss-up.

* A mate will always be good for a quid to another mate.

* A mate understands when another mate suddenley up and leaves him at the bar all alone to chase some potential snatch he knows thats just walked in the Lounge.

* Its ok to complain about boils, warts, burn marks and gashes on your hand(s), but NEVER about cuticles, age lines, liver spots or scratches from laying house-bricks.

* When waiting for a mate at the pub always have the racing page or sports section open. For waiting for women its the social issues section. NEVER be found reading the finacial pages as both sexes will regard you as a w*nker. So will the barman.

* Sucking in your guts is ok ONLY in female or mixed company.

[ 01 August 2001: Message edited by: Slasher ]

1st Aug 2001, 18:51
Does anyone remember that game that was doing the e-mail rounds a few years ago? It was a picture of the interior of a men's toilet, and you had to pick which urinal is the correct one to use under certain circumstances.... Very funny, but I can't find it anywhere :cool:


1st Aug 2001, 19:26

Is this the one?http://www.missyouso.com/games/classic/urinal.shtml

Made the mistake of putting "toilet men" into the search engine!
:eek: :eek: :eek:

1st Aug 2001, 19:42
Thanks Eric - that's the one!

Of course, to get the full humour benefit, you need to play the game several times, trying out several different possibilities....


Stupendous Man
1st Aug 2001, 23:36
It's great to be a bloke because:

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotchadjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the damn time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th,in 45 minutes.

Same job .... . more pay.

The world is your urinal.

2nd Aug 2001, 01:13
If you go out in shorts, you either:

Wear NO socks with tennis shoes
Ankle high tennis socks with them.
Or sandals.

"Old Geezer Look".

2nd Aug 2001, 07:39
Quiche is a no no. Egg and bacon pie is ok though.

Never ever, ever raise your hand to a Woman.....Unless she really deserves it.

Unless you are in the tropics or you are in fact Jesus Christ, leave the sandals at home.

2nd Aug 2001, 12:30
Hey Slasher, seems to some words missing here ...

"* Women front with a plate. Men front with beer. Period."

Who fronts with the period?