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24th Feb 2004, 16:12
I seriously doubt the comments made at the top of this excerpt but I found it quite funny anyway...

>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while
>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>Q: Are you sexually active?
>A: No, I just lie there.
>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
>up that morning?
>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>Q: And! why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.
>Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>A: Oral.
>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
>A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>began the autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law somewhere.

24th Feb 2004, 21:57
I suspect they are apocryphal.

Those below happened in my hearing:

1. Sheriff Court at ................... Solicitor has a speech impediment that gives him difficulty with the letter "r".

Solicitor: I move you' Wo'dship fo' decwee.
Sheriff Substitute: Decwee gwanted.

2. Court of Session, Edinburgh. Middle-aged, middle-class, very shy, very embarrassed lady is asked by her own counsel what exactly were the offensive words by which her husband had addressed her. She evades answer, frustrating counsel, and even more frustrating Lord Xxxxxxx on the Bench. Goaded beyond endurance, at last she blurts out "He called me a f*ck*ng wh*r*".

Lord Xxxxxxx: "BwaHawHawHaw! BwaHahHawHaw! What other kind is there? BwaHawHawHaw!

24th Feb 2004, 22:45
Old one this, goes along the lines of....

Judge, "What have you to say about this?"

Defendent, "F*&^k all your honour....."

J, "What did you say...???"

Def. "I said f*&k all your honour....."

Judge to def solicitor... "What did your client say..........."

Sol. "He said f*&k all your honour......."

Judge, "Really, I am sure he said something........"

and so on........ :rolleyes:

Flying Lawyer
25th Feb 2004, 09:59
Last day of a case, closing speeches due to start. Embarrassed barrister in judge's room explaining he's just discovered he's left the note for his closing speech in his chambers and can't go ahead without it.
Judge: Are you sure you can't make your speech without it?
Barrister: With respect Judge, it's not that sort of case.
The judge was forced to agree.
Judge tried: Can't your Clerk bring it?
The barrister explained that, allowing for train times, it would take at 2-3 hours.
Judge, trying to be understanding, but in a slightly frustrated tone: You know I'm due to start the next trial tomorrow.
The other barrister (trying to help): Fax it.
Judge: Yes, it does rather.


Probably much funnier at the time than in repeating, but I can vouch for the truth of this one:
The Southwark Crown Court had recently been opened by the then Lord Chancellor, the late Lord Hailsham, then well in his seventies. During an adjournment, the judge invited us into his room to see the splendid view of the Tower of London and Tower Bridge from his window. (In contrast, the Bar robing room overlooks the car-park.)
During a lull in conversation my opponent, a rather formal, prim and proper lady, suddenly said: I hear the Lord Chancellor may have an illegal erection.
Not surprisingly, the Judge and I were stunned. Our amazed eyes met for a millisecond before I found a government-issue print on the far wall very fascinating and he turned to look at the view yet again. One of us had to say something; I realised what she meant, but couldn't risk trying to speak.
The silence was broken by the judge who recovered his composure just enough to say, in a slightly faltering voice and without turning round: I'm not sure what to say to that. - before bursting into laughter. She was referring to a rumour going around the Bar, which subsequently transpired to be false, that the Lord Chancellor's Department had built the court without proper planning consent.

Tudor Owen

25th Feb 2004, 11:17
A lively sexual assault case was in progress in the District Court in a small Texas town. On the witness stand was Lute Litsey.

"The way it looked to me," said Lute, "he had 'er backed up agin that wall and iff'n I ever saw a screwin' match in my life...'

"Mr. Litsey," Judge Morgan interrupted, "I'd rather you didn't use the word "screw" in this court. Say 'intercourse' instead."

"Intercourse?" repeated Lute. "Whut's that, Judge?"

"It's a technicality of language that you wouldn't know anything about," said the judge. "Proceed."

"Like I was sayin', he had 'er mashed up agin that wall and he was intercoursin' 'er and all of a sudden he gave 'er the crossjostle, whut we call the Chicago stroke, and she..."

"Just a minute," Judge Morgan spoke up. "Just what is the Chicago stroke, Mr. Litsey?"

"That's a technicality of screwin', Judge, that you wouldn't know anything about."

28th Feb 2004, 20:58
Court of Queen's Bench, Calgary, Alta:

Mr Justice X:"Two years less a day".

Voice from the dock: "You're a f*ck*ng b*st*rd".

Mr Justice X: "That was just a lucky guess".

28th Feb 2004, 21:21
Oh cricky, I've laughed myself stupid. Keep em comin PLEEASSE"! :D


28th Feb 2004, 21:57
Court of Queen's Bench, Saskatoon, Sask:

Mr Y, barrister, for the accused, cross-examines alleged victim of rape: "And did you say anything to my client during the alleged rape?"

Victim: "Yes".

Mr Y: "Aha! And what did you say?".

Victim: "I said: 'I love you, I love you'".

Mr Y: "Aha! Now we are getting somewhere. And why did you say to him 'I love you, I love you'"?

Victim: "He said if I didn't he'd cut my f*ck*ng throat".

28th Feb 2004, 21:59
Following the usual littany of excuses ... broken home, failed marriage, mother very ill, serious money problems, promises of his client to mend his ways etc. etc. etc. the defence counsel implored the judge to consider the sentence in terms of months rather than years.

"With due regard for this request," announced the judge, "I sentence you to forty eight months."


28th Feb 2004, 22:09
My memory is hazy on this one, but I think it was in the Court of Queen's Bench, Saskatoon, Sask:

Mr Justice Z, to the accused: "Do you have anything to say?".

Accused: "As God is my Judge, I am not guilty".

Mr Justice Z: "He's not. I am. You are".

Flying Lawyer
28th Feb 2004, 22:43
Defence barrister, concluding his plea in mitigation:
"In all the circumstances, I ask Your Honour to consider passing a sentence measured in months, rather than years."
Very well", said the judge. "Stand up Bloggs. You'll go to prison for 36 months."

29th Feb 2004, 02:39
Mickey Mouse is filing for divorce from Minnie Mouse.

At the hearing, the judge announces to the court "Well, this is a first in my court. Never before have I had a person file for divorce on the grounds that his wife is uncoordinated."

Mickey interrupts "I didn't say she was uncoordinated. I said she was f**king Goofy............."

29th Feb 2004, 05:45
Court of Queen's Bench, Yorkton, Sask:

Counsel for defendant cross-examines plaintiff:

Counsel: "Do you realise that your recollection of events is remarkably clear?"

Plaintiff: "I suppose so".

Counsel: "In fact your recollection is much more clear than it was months ago when you were examined for discovery; Why is that?"

Plaintiff: "I've thought about it a lot".

Counsel: "Yes, but the events are now far more distant than they were at discovery; How does thinking about it help you?"

Plaintiff: "Well, besides that there are the photographs."

Counsel: "The photographs? What photographs?"

Plaintiff: "The photographs of the scene".

Counsel: "How long have you had these photographs?"

Plaintiff: "All along."

Counsel: "But you were served with a subpoena to produce documents, ALL relevant documents".

Plaintiff: "Yes".

Counsel: "And these photographs are relevant documents?"

Plaintiff: "Yes".

Counsel: "But you did not produce them?"

Plaintiff: "No."

Counsel: "Why not?"

Plaintiff: "Oh sure! And let the cat out of the bag!"