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Rollingthunder
31st Jul 2001, 03:55
At Air Rage, you're expected to fly off the handle.
The Toronto Star
(E01 - Mon 30 Jul 2001)

IT'S TIME the airlines took a different approach to the problem of unruly, out-of-control passengers. There are so many
of them lately (last year, for example, police responded to 360 incidents at Pearson airport alone) that the belligerent,
obnoxious and occasionally homicidal flier constitutes a niche market that the airlines ignore at their peril.

Air Canada recently announced plans for a discount spinoff airline, but maybe what it really needs to examine is a service for the very people it's been trying to keep off its planes.

The perfect name for this new service would be, of course, Air Rage, the airline by and for people who can't behave themselves. I see a huge fist logo on the tail fin and can hear a voice over the cabin speakers.

"Good afternoon. This is your captain speaking and welcome to Air Rage Flight 222. First of all, I'd like to congratulate
those of you who actually made it to the plane, since part of Air Rage's standard service involves redirecting you to a
minimum of three gates for every flight, and highly trained check-in specialists who spend at least 30 minutes pretending that your ticket is not in our system, and is for Air Guatemala.

"At Air Rage we pride ourselves in doing everything we can to ensure that your travelling experience does not, in any way whatsoever, go smoothly, thereby giving you licence to behave as abominably as you'd like. We believe that today's flight will meet your expectations in every way.

"We were scheduled to take off at 1: 54 p.m., but the runways are so backed up we do not expect to get clearance until 5: 15 p.m.; even though you are on a plane bound for Orlando, your luggage is already in Seattle; the catering service truck that provides the in-flight meal suffered a battery failure a
couple of hours ago, so your dinner - fish - has been sitting at whatever temperature it was inside that truck for some time now, so you might just want to have some of our
complementary, pre-crushed crackers. Also, the maintenance crew forgot to clean the washrooms from the last flight,which was a charter for folks coming back from the International Chili Cookoff, the air conditioning appears to be on the
fritz, and today's free newspaper features the headline: 'Clinton wins presidency.'"

"Your stewardesses, all former Navy SEALs trained in the fine art of killing an assailant instantly with a plastic straw,
will be by shortly to provide you with pillows, blankets and boxing gloves, and please pay careful attention during their
demonstration of the Taser stun guns, which will drop from the ceiling in the event of raucus conflict between the passengers."

"Just a reminder, should any of you decide to come into the cockpit and attack the captain over any of the problems experienced during this flight, you might be interested to know that our celebrity co-pilot for this flight is World Wrestling Federation star Mick Foley, and should you try anything he'll snap your neck like a twig. Who wants to be first? Or do we all need another round of drinks first? That's one of the great things about Air Rage. Most airlines cut off the alcohol when passengers start getting grumpy, but it's just the opposite here."

"For those of you who believe you have a high tolerance level, who can endure almost any kind of aggravation without losing your cool, I'd like to mention that the in-flight movie is Freddy Got Fingered."

"We would ask that no one smash holes in the windows or through the fuselage, and that the cabin door remain closed at all times, except for those who might, based on a vote by fellow passengers, be leaving early."

"That concludes my announcements, so please despise your flight."

JetAgeHobo
31st Jul 2001, 21:33
Gee--Sounds like United--Whose female flight attendents I have on great authority are former Catholic school nuns.

If you've ever attended Catholic elementary school, you'll understand.

-----------------------------------------
It's not a matter of were I am, it's a matter of when I am.

DX Wombat
1st Aug 2001, 03:58
Brilliant Rollingthunder :D :D :D Now lets see who we could get to run it. Any suggestions? :confused: :D :D :D