View Full Version : TCOTPWM

14th Nov 2001, 04:27
I think Tricky Woo should have the honour of the last post in the thread... :)

tony draper
14th Nov 2001, 04:35
Yes Draper in a fit of uncharacteristic altruism decided to leave the last post to one of those who has contributed most.
Mind you you can't wack a bit of Shakespeare to end with. ;)

Mirkin About
14th Nov 2001, 04:53
Sadly its too late , another has taken post 150. It makes for a very weighty tome when you print it out , hurrah for laser printers

tony draper
14th Nov 2001, 05:00
Drapers printer is up the swanny, so alas,
Mind you Draper approves of Erics ending, bit of class that, could almost come from a movie. ;)

14th Nov 2001, 05:03

I didn't know you were being all gentlemanly about it.

I feel guilty enough about jumping in when so much wonderful work had been done by you all, but to know on a different thread that you'd been discussing it... :confused:

I'm really sorry, and I'll wipe it if you want, but I thought it'd be a way to let Mr D back into it.

Sorry maestri.

14th Nov 2001, 05:04
Eric? Who's Eric? Sorry Eric, didn't see you there :D Yep, nice post, but I still think TrickyW should finish it off...

The thread's still open, Tricky - Danny and the boys must be down the pub - get in there!

Awwwwwwwwww - Eric - you wiped it! :(

Wasn't any need to do that! Please reinstate it if you have it...? But you're a gentleman anyway, sir, and I shall buy you a drink at the next bash!

[ 14 November 2001: Message edited by: HugMonster ]

14th Nov 2001, 05:07
Huggy, It's gone. :)
Huggy it's back - but please explain to Tricky!

[ 14 November 2001: Message edited by: Eric ]

tony draper
14th Nov 2001, 05:07
Nah leave it there its good, something familiar about it though.
Think the copyright belongs to Danny now.
Wonder what those arty farty friday after newsnight folks would think about it, can't remember the program title.
They sent them to revue that Harry Potter film, never heard such a load of pretencious bollox in my life, its a kids movie fer crys sake.
Her that used to be the Female Unuche(sp) is a miserable bitch.

they'l all be asleep up in the tower anyway.

[ 14 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

14th Nov 2001, 05:17
Errrmmm, OK I'll re-post it so TW can get the last one in, but only if Danny gives him an extra post!

14th Nov 2001, 05:22
Found the page in my archives... 147 EXT. STREET
Draper steps out into the sunlight, putting on a pair of
cheap sunglasses. He looks up and down the crowded street.
People on their way to and from lunch, no doubt.

Cars choke the street in front of the police department as
they wait for pedestrians to clear the way.


A single sheet of paper comes out of the fax machine, face

149 INT. Hug Monster'S OFFICE

Fyne still stares at the bulletin board.

SUDDENLY, Fyne's face changes. He leans in closer to the
bulletin board and squints his eyes. His face changes again.

First a look of puzzlement, then confusion - finally

The coffee cup tumbles from his hand. It hits the floor with
the SMASH of cheap porcelain. Coffee splatters everywhere.

Hug Monster snaps out of his droning and looks up in surprise.

Fyne'S P.O.V.

Fyne is staring not at what is on the bulletin board, but at
the bulletin board itself.

His eyes follow the aluminum frame, mounted firmly to the
wall. One might note it's sturdy construction and it's
convenient size. Big enough to hold a lifetime of forgotten
and disregarded notes and facts. Years of police trivia that
has been hung and forgotten with the intention of finding a
use for it all someday. One might want such a bulletin board
for one's self. One would look to see who makes such a
bulletin board.
Fyne's eyes are locked on a metal plate bearing the
manufacturer's name.

YELLOW 06/11/94

Fyne's eyes flash all' over the bulletin board. He finds a
picture of Hug Monster in the far corner. He stands beside a scale
in fishing gear. He proudly holds a hand out to his freshly
caught marlin. His eyes skim quickly over and stop on an
eight and a half by eleven inch fax sheet of what must be a
THREE HUNDRED POUND BLACK MAN. Fyne glazes over his name, it
is irrelevant. His aliases stand out.

Slavin, BRICKS, Shank, REDFOOT, Thee, Rooster...

Fyne'S EYES WIDEN with sudden realization. He runs for the

His foot crushes the broken pieces of Hug Monster's coffee cup. The
cup that hovered over Draper's head for two hours.

Fyne is in too much of a hurry to notice the two words
printed on the jagged piece that had been the bottom of the
cheap mug.



Fyne is sprinting wildly down the hall for the stairs.


Draper looks behind him and sees ANOTHER moderator standing just

inside the doorway, lighting a cigarette. The moderator notices
Draper and watches him in the way that moderators look at people
they cannot place in the category of idiot citizen, or stupid

Draper smiles politely, meekly at the moderator and walks down the
steps into the moving throng.


Fyne runs up to the desk where Draper had only moments before picked up his belongings. Hug Monster is right behind him, a look of absolute confusion on his face.


The Cripple? He went that way.


The moderator gestures towards the door.

Fyne runs outside looking around frantically.


Draper limps his way carefully across the sidewalk, avoiding people as best as he can.

He looks over his shoulder, getting farther away from the police station. He can see Hug Monster and the moderator on the steps,
looking around with strange, lost expressions on their faces.

He does not notice the car creeping along the curb beside him.

155 INT. CAR
The driver's hands tap the wheel patiently. His eyes follow Draper as he fumbles through the crowd.


Fyne pushes and shoves, looking this way and that.
LOW ANGLE on the feet of dozens of people.
Draper's feet emerge from the crowd on the far side. They hobble along the curb.

SUDDENLY, the right foot seems to relax a little, the inward angle straightens itself out in a few paces and the limp ceases as though the leg has grown another inch.


Draper's hands are rummaging around in his pockets. The good left hand comes up with a pack of cigarettes, the bad right hand comes up with a lighter. The right hand flexes with all of the grace and coordination of a sculptor's, flicking the clasp on the antique lighter with the thumb, striking the
flint with the index finger. It is a fluid motion, somewhat showy.

Draper lights a cigarette and smiles to himself. He turns and sees the car running alongside.


Jack Beer pulls the sheet out of the fax machine and turns it over, revealing the composite sketch of Keyser SOZE.

Though crude and distorted, one cannot help but notice how much it looks like Tony Draper.

The car stops. The driver gets out.
IT IS Tricky Woo, or the man we have come to know as such.
He smiles to Tony. Draper steps off of the curb, returning the smile as he opens the passenger door and gets in.

The man called Tricky Woo gets in the driver's seat and pulls away .

A moment later, Agent Danny Fyne of Jet Blast wanders into the frame, looking around much in the way a child would when lost at the circus. He takes no notice of the car pulling out into traffic, blending in with the rest of the cars filled with people on their way back to work.


Oh God forgive me for nicking the last slot, but I thought it would set Tony straight!

Danny, give the masters another 10 posts to weave their magic.

Unworthy, unworthy, unworthy.

14th Nov 2001, 06:42
This is what happens when mere mortals mix with the paragons of Pprune...thing stultify, we're not worthy... :D

Capt PPRuNe
14th Nov 2001, 07:24
Sorry Gentlemen. The 150th post served well to draw the amazing saga to a close and leaves the audience with a sense of wonder at the almost perfect closedown. Just a hint of expectation but enough detail to leave one wantng more yet at the same time happy it is over... or is it? :eek:

I have created the Jet Blast Archive in honour of all you guys and your story will live there for ever. If I ever get the television rights to create a four year, 52 episode serialisation of the Case of the Pink War Machine, the profits will go to providing a server that will cope with threads of unimaginable length. That's a promise.

Tricky Woo
14th Nov 2001, 15:36
Hi All,

So, we must bid a fond adieu to TCOTPWM. (sniff).

Although contributions arrived in fits and starts, you can't just rattle out such a thread without a bit of careful thought, planning and consideration... which was then completely ignored while we wrote any old crap.

Class act, everyone. It really doesn't get any better than that. I loved Eric's ending, by the way... about all that could ever be done to rationalise that sodding mess.

A big thanks to Uncle Danny for our very own Jet Blast archive. We promise that we'll clean out its cage every morning before we go to school.

While you're at it, any chance of digging up 'The Story of Emily' and chucking it in there as well? Also, I have rather a soft spot for 'TOO MUCH NOISE' by Shh... Noise Abatement. Pretty, pretty please?


15th Nov 2001, 00:27
Danny any chance of putting in the JB Archive some of the old Snaily threads??

He left pprune b4 I arrived :( but I've seen some of his brainchildren and while they weren't quite Lobby proof ;) , what marvels they were! :D

<pretty, pretty, very pretty please.....?> :)

15th Nov 2001, 02:45
Tricky, we never did find out who "Shh....Noise abatement" was did we?

All we know is he was from Manchester...mmmm...I wonder? ;)

15th Nov 2001, 06:23
don't forget to archive a trip with the captain ;) :D

Tricky Woo
15th Nov 2001, 14:39
Dear Uncle Danny,

Thanks for adding those threads for us.

Slight problem with 'The Story of Emily' as I'd forgotten that there were two threads, the original and 'Part 2'. Any chance of finding the original some time?

Other than that, I'm glad that your server is being used for important stuff like this. Sorry that other people keep cluttering it up with all that aviation nonsense. They'll never learn. Bah.



16th Nov 2001, 19:15
As the chap that brought both the Pink War Machine and Commissar Draper to this forum, I must say that both have been an outstanding success.
Is anyone up for more odd creations?
I have this cunning idea for a yellow submarine, but I hear it's already been done!

16th Nov 2001, 19:54
Flaps - you mean like Diary of a Sex Rat?

tony draper
16th Nov 2001, 19:58
This is true , Mr 18 did indeed find Draper living in penury, begging in the gutter on another forum,in a act of kindness, gave him sixpence for a cup of tea, and a note for the Tower, and not being blabby, which is itself unusual for a Antipodean, has not revealed Drapers true identity. ;)

ps, and indeed is responsible for armoured vehicles being painted pink. ;)

16th Nov 2001, 21:27
PP not sure what it was called, but the one that is forever seared in memory is his description of the trip where he meets Deirdre the new FA and things do NOT go exactly as planned. ;) :eek: :o :(

I don't think I've ever laughed as much as when I first read that bit of prose by the master......... :D :D

17th Nov 2001, 10:44
somehow i don't think that my snaily appreciation thread will find its way to the archive ;) :p :D :( :(

17th Nov 2001, 11:22
I think that it's time to start a new comedy story thread Commissar Draper.
There's perhaps a great deal of humour in a highly intelligent cruise missle, one with a well developed concience.?
How about the world's 37th largest dam that can't stand staying in the one spot all the time, so it decides to travel?
Or how those blasted 3D picture thingies are just a conspiracy to normal people like me that can't see them. (No, I refuce to feel stupid looking at them, blast you!)
How about if aliens landed on Earth, but due to a slight mis-calculation they only talked to shoes?
How about if the Internet suddenly became self-aware?
What if Tony Draper was actually Tony Blair with some time off for good behavoir every day?
Speaking of all things Draper-like, what if he was Knighted? How would he react to being Sir Draper?

17th Nov 2001, 16:18
Flaps, that's the one!

17th Nov 2001, 19:13
What a pleasure to see another thread about the TCOTPWM, I was quite sad to see the padlock snap down at last on Drapers babe, not quite abandoned at the last.

It had been great fun and a pleasure to look forward to reading all the exotic twists and turns. The absolute evil that various ppruners got up to with the various characters was hilarious.

HugMonster you bu***er, your Whimsy was trashing Hannay in a most caddish way. As for making him incontinent Mr Heck that was a low blow indeed!!?? Loved your farewell to the old Thread fair bought tears to me eyes it did. Tony your Sherlock was masterful, your Watson companiable, and Master Green's Dr Maturin perfection itself.

Many great contributions from many others and all a great pleasure to read, the mind boggled at the flights of fancy indulged in. TWoo your Ayesha was almost irrisistable though resist Hannay stoutly did, he choked back a tear when she was done away with. Fond memories of the quest across the globe in persuit of the prime meridian, the pink WM and Hildas shimmering blue vial.

Ah well life will go on,and I deresay there will be other great threads, as indeed there have been in the past, but it was a goody while it lasted.

17th Nov 2001, 19:58
Ah - Wimsey would have (as at all other times) have been the perfect peer of the realm and gentleman - had it not been for the humiliating treatment of the crumpets!

I was discussing the thread with The Guv when it was reaching its climax. I felt then that Biggles, Algy, Bertie and Ginger might be able to lend assistance to the Empire but thought better of it - it's a long time since I read any, and short of turning Hilda into Von Stalheim, would have introduced too many extra characters. TW was trying to persuade me to have a grand shootout at the end - he had several attempts on the life of Lord Peter, after all! Maybe Wyatt Earp or Roy Rogers might turn up in the next one - who knows? :cool:

All in all, it was one of the great classics of JB, and deserves to live long and prosper, Jim - ah - sorry - another extraneous character.

Whilst I think about it, I have a HUGE collection of funnies from JB and other Fora, which I started collecting a few years ago. It is edited, arranged and laid out ready for publication. I think a book of JB humour should assist the PPRuNe coffers...

All I need is a publisher. Does anyone have any ideas? Does anyone know anything about publication? Because how much I know is written on the disk it's stored on - Zip.

tony draper
18th Nov 2001, 01:36
A strange animal is the web forum,you see a post that you think facinating, and the thread will fly and it disapears into the mists,other grow, bifurcate,(great word that)and take on a life of their own.
I have met more interesting people on the web than I could possible have under other circumstances.
Long may it prosper.
Draper web mail is up the creek Mr 18, haven't been able to access my in box for three weeks now, its a ISP prob, the bastards keep saying it will be back tommorrow,ah well, anybody know a good email service.? :(

18th Nov 2001, 05:49

Whilst I think about it, I have a HUGE collection of funnies from JB and other Fora, which I started collecting a few years ago. It is edited, arranged and laid out ready for publication. I think a book of JB humour should assist the PPRuNe coffers...

Is it you who said that you were going to get the "I wish I hadn't said that" thread from the mil forum into book form?

If you've got that and this one, you've got a book already, and I'd buy it!

[ 18 November 2001: Message edited by: Eric ]

18th Nov 2001, 16:23
Yep - got that.

tony draper
18th Nov 2001, 16:44
Draper had one of his Raggypan stories from another website published in a Spanish computer magazine,least wise I got a email from the Editor asking my permission, don't know if it was ever printed.
He said it was for a series of articles on the loons to be found on the web, Draper was quite chuffed, although normaly one shuns publicity.


[ 18 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

18th Nov 2001, 18:34
Yep, got your entry in my guest book Mr D, ta. Handy but inefficient way of communicating. ;)
Have to get that tachyon coms unit working so we can chat, eh?

tony draper
18th Nov 2001, 18:48
Oh yeh ,Mr 18, Did you get that post yesterday I'm gonna send you next week. ;)
I'm going to have to look around for a new Email, its not really very important for me, but some people must be climbing the wall,its been off for three weeks now. :(

19th Nov 2001, 03:51
Yeah, if nothing else it's a sure way NOT to get anthrax. Fingers crossed I'll be back in the UK in early January, so I'll at least be able to give you a phone call. ;)

tony draper
19th Nov 2001, 03:57
Good stuff Bill, At least you will be getting xmas at home, not that you have proper xmas's down there, you can't be having christmas in the middle of summer, taint natural. ;)

19th Nov 2001, 07:04
Nah, we just spread some white sand around the tree and hook up some Roo's to a rusty Holden, and mate! She's Chrissy! :)

19th Nov 2001, 14:55
Christmas in the Caribbean was a bit weird as well - it did not seem right eating Christmas Dinner in shorts and T-shirt by the pool...

All the Brit and American ex-pats had plastic Christmas trees, and several of the shops in town put black tape in their windows to simulate a Dickensian leaded window, with fake snow in the corners - fake snow?? And in 35 degree heat?

tony draper
19th Nov 2001, 15:08
Origionaly wasn't it the ancient pagan ceremony to celebrate the mid winter solstice, and the return of the sun back north where it rightfully belongs,. ;)

[ 19 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

19th Nov 2001, 15:31
"Back north"???? It's about as far south then as it gets!

But Christmas certainly was the Solstice (21st. December, the shortest day).

Many of the "Christmas" traditions are pagan in origin - tree, mistletoe, deck your balls with boughs of holly, falalalalaaa la la la ouch, the holly and the ivy when they are overgrown... Even Father Christmas/Santa Claus was introduced by the Christians to try to run the pagan figure of Jack Frost out of town.

tony draper
19th Nov 2001, 17:27
Sorry I should have said begins its journey back north, re the Xmas thing I think it was those bloody christians that bugg*rd that up.
Personelly I'm all for a return to the old religion, the religion of us Northern Europeans,not this wishy washy imported middle eastern rubbish, that was intended for a bunch of goat herders and rug makers plodging about the desert, not us.
Just think a choice of any number of gods, one for the ladies bless them, one for us engineer's, Thor probably after all, he always carried some tools.
Pilots now,hmmm loki perhaps didn't he fly about all over the place.
Strange thing, Draper invoked the name of Wotan three times on another site and had four numbers on the lottery that night, spooky eh.
Thats what a good religion should supply, immediate concrete results, not some tenuous promise to pay the bearer, a harp and wings mebbeee, if he's a good lad/lass sometime in the distant future. ;)

Thou shalt not covert thy neigbours camel,well, I ask you.
PS, they also approved of carousing and huge drinking bouts, in fact it was positivly encouraged.

[ 19 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Per Ardua Ad Asda
19th Nov 2001, 18:31
Mr. Draper....covert thy neighbour's Camel....?

Is this a cunning plan to supply the forces with the Saharan equivalent of HAS's for Dromedaries and Bactrians?

I think we should be told.