View Full Version : Stop me if you've heard this

13th Nov 2001, 23:35
I am vastly amused by the alternative and convoluted terminology that people come up with to avoid plain speaking.

Some excerpts from Quarterly Review of DoubleSpeak:

After a patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfil his wellness potential."

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

A letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket
boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force
upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." - In other words,
if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." - That is, they were fired.

A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a "formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman.

A spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically
experienced citizens."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."

Some more alternative descriptive non-verbal scriptive terminology ;)

No one fails an exam anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your kid's bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, someone isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Cupboards aren't overflowing with junk, they're just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not daydreaming, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

Airline meals aren't awful. They're "digestively challenged."

tony draper
13th Nov 2001, 23:58
Hello Hilda, err I mean Velvet.
What about the 400 quid hammer used by the MOD,
Manualy operated kinetic energy transfer unit
(none powered)for the use of. ;)

14th Nov 2001, 01:09
Ummmmm ..... Velvet ..... :D

People are not small, they are "Vertically Challenged." ....

14th Nov 2001, 03:22
I'm NOT single. I'm a childless one-parent family. Where do I pick up my government grants? :)

14th Nov 2001, 07:37
You have to pity the poor bureaucrat.

Academically gifted and demonstrating a polysyllabilic vocabulary just to pass the entrance exam. And then given a meaningless job where promotion is gained through using language to impress rather than inform....... :eek: :eek: .......Hmmmm

Then again, the b*ggers seem intent on stuffing up our lives with their policy initiatives and legislative amendments. :mad: :mad:

Please ignore opening sentiment!!! :D

15th Nov 2001, 13:29
Apparently we're not involved in a war, we're "facilitating peace" :rolleyes:

17th Nov 2001, 20:45
It is in light of such as these that I found Mr Rumsfeld's comments the other day to some limp wristed pinko PC taliban-pro reporter positively refreshing when he said,

"We are using cluster bombs which shred human flesh because we are actualy trying to kill some of these people!!"

[ 17 November 2001: Message edited by: Paterbrat ]

17th Nov 2001, 22:57
Agree 100% Velv,: we should eschew obfuscation and circumlocution at all costs.