View Full Version : Scouse Jokes

Yak Hunt
29th Jul 2001, 13:08
I have picked up a 'Persona Non Grata in Liverpool' on my postings for refering to Liverpool as the UK's largest open prison.
Anybody else want one - just add your jokes here. :D

DX Wombat
29th Jul 2001, 16:05
:mad: :mad: :mad: Have you seen what he said Capt PPRuNe? He is maligning our wonderful city! Could it be that he is one of those VERY misguided southeners who seem to think that the dismal, dirty streets of London are heaven on earth? Have you got a suitable therapy area in PPRuNe Towers where he could be sent for therapy? If not, shall I arrange for some of my Sicilian friends to enlighten him? :mad: :mad: :mad:

29th Jul 2001, 16:43
Hate you, Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,Hate you,
Southern Fairy.... :mad:

Gash Handlin
29th Jul 2001, 17:04
I'm with you Yak, and I'm not a sourthern jessie before you start :D


In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organizers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy of which has been leaked, and is reproduced below.


The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium.


In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.


Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)


Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.


Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.


A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages deliveryman.


Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.


Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.


As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.


Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.


A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.


Competitors will be thrown into the Mersey. The first three survivor’s back will decide the medals.


Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.


Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Kirkby community choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself will the be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
The accused.


What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit?
The bride.


What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.


What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.


If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike.

Plenty more where they came from :D :D

DX Wombat
29th Jul 2001, 17:43
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: TDL, I think it's time we declared war on these half-wits. Well they must be half-wits if they would willing undergo enlightenment by a bunch of my scouse-sicilian friends. It won't just be Liverpool where they will be personae non grata, my connections are world-wide. Repent and retract your foul slurs immediately. Where is Capt PPRuNe when you need him? His only legitimate excuse will be that he's off flying somewhere. Now, there's a thought - Please Capt.PPRuNe, sir, these yobs are maligning Liverpool, could you possibly arrange a nice little trip in an unheated cargo hold of say, an ex-RAF Hercules Preferably one with a load dumping facility that works best when flying over the ocean. No lifejackets or rafts would be needed, some of my friends could supply individually fitted suits made of best concrete. Catering requirements would be limited to the crew and I'm sure TDL would be willing to help me provide a tasty meal for them. What about it? :mad: x100 at least!

30th Jul 2001, 06:06
Gash - there are only three kinds of person in the world ....

There are Liverpudlians

There are those who would like to be Liverpudlians

And there are those with no ambition whatsoever.

How about a little cricket game? Upper Parliament Street First X1 plays Garston Gasworks second X1 for Gashes Ashes.

:D :mad: :D

Charlie Foxtrot India
30th Jul 2001, 07:40
DX Wombat, where's your Scouse sense of humour eh? eh? aright aright calm down eh?

My personal fave (told to me by a Scouse BTW)

Q. What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser?

A. Sometimes Batman leaves without Robbin'.

And from the Harry Enfield show when the scousers were on Blind Date in their shell suits, and "Cilla" asks
" What do you say to your new girlfriend the first time you wake up together?"
Our Terry: "Get up Luv, your taxi's here!"

eh eh

[ 30 July 2001: Message edited by: Charlie Foxtrot India ]

30th Jul 2001, 07:47
"The accused"...love it :D

I'm reminded of the Harry Enfield sketches "The Scousers"...all permed up, in matching shell suits and picking fights with each other. "Allllright, alllllright...caaaaaalm down."

DX Wombat
30th Jul 2001, 09:32
CFI, thank you for your expression of concern about my scouse sense of humour which is fine. We scousers are quite happy to make our own jokes about ourselves and our city but take great exception to !"$%^&*()_+ southerners, Mancunians and other non-scousers doing so.
BD you're on! Just name the date and place. Are we cremating Gash before or after the match and what about Yak who started all this? I don't know what these two look like so will need a couple of mugshots from the PPRuNe Towers files. Can you help us up there? Once we have these I will let the Sicilians loose. :cool: :eek: :mad:TDL are you with us?

[ 30 July 2001: Message edited by: DX Wombat ]

You want it when?
30th Jul 2001, 11:48
The majority of Scousers appear to be muppets in disguise. Not so much pouring oil on troubled waters as AvGas...

Yak Hunt
30th Jul 2001, 13:03
Sorry not a Southern Puff :p

Tricky Woo
30th Jul 2001, 14:51
DX Wombat,

I wish to sincerely apologise on behalf of all the non-Scousers who have written anti-Scouse posts. Clearly, only true Scousers have the authority to extract the urine out Scouseland. Therefore, as an admiring, demonic Manc, I will desist from the usual Scouse jokes.

Liverpool is indeed a fine city, with one and a half magnificent cathedrals, a surprisingly large number of art galleries, plus a world class museum. Furthermore, it is the birthplace of The Beatles and those blokes wot did "Ferry Across The Mersey". Oh yes, there are also ferries across the Mersey. And there's a Mersey river, too, which is just as well, 'cos half the toilets of Stockport flush straight into it.

The shopping in central Liverpool is amongst the finest in all of Merseyside. Almost as good as Runcorn, in fact. Once the visitor enters a typical Liverpudlian shop, he or she will be delighted to find some of the finest goods and wares that the world can offer on display behind the plexiglass. All of which can be easily purchased, (for cash - no credit cards, naturally), via a convenient slot in the glass, behind which the friendly, smiling shopkeeper cowers with one hand on a baseball bat.

The people are well known for their happy-go-lucky, jaunty sense of humour. Remember "Boys from the Black-Stuff"? Who can ever forget the accurate portrayal of typical Liverpudlian humour, (penned by that evil Manc, Colin Welland), which brought such joy to the watching public? Oh yes, Liverpool was on the cultural map, alright, and it was there to stay. Suddenly, you couldn't turn the sodding TV on without some lefty Scouser ranting at you. What joy, what joy.

Finally, we have to consider the Adelphi Hotel, (owned by that wicked Manc, Alex Langsam), still characterful to the extreme. What other hotel epitomises so well the ambience of your fair city? The faded wallpaper, the scuffed furniture, the stolen TVs, the appalling service, the small piles of vomit on the stairs, plus the cheerful senses of humour of the incompetent staff, without which Liverpool would be nothing.

Scousers, stand up and be proud of your wonderful City! For no bugger else will...

TW (Admiring Manc)

30th Jul 2001, 15:31
As a Manc that went to college in Liverpool I have FAR too many memories about pub crawls in Liverpool.
I challenge anybody to drink in more gorgeous pubs anywhere in UK.

Tricky, Black stuff was by Alan Bleasdale ;)

30th Jul 2001, 19:37
As far as Im concerned the M62 is not long enough, and the M6 & M1 are far too short too. If all you Southern fairies who in fact support Man Utd stay in your **** holes around the UK and dont bother to visit a wonderful city such as Liverpool, I doubt that we would have anything to complain about. But as you started it......

Mancs are ALL tossers. 1 in 10 people in Manchester carry a gun, the other 9 all have knives.

Anyone who lives south of Birmingham who was classed as a Southern Fariy is incorectly classified, you're a Cockney ******.

Yak Hunt
30th Jul 2001, 19:55
Wombat - I take it you have progressed to Australia - The Worlds largest open prison !!! :D

Aussie Immigration Officer - 'Do you have a criminal record?'

Passenger - 'I didn't think I still needed one!!' :D

[ 30 July 2001: Message edited by: Yak Hunt ]

Tricky Woo
30th Jul 2001, 20:20

You're quite right, Bleasdale did write Blackstuff. Why on earth do I associate it with "The British Are Coming" Welland? A producer or something? Ah well, never let the facts get in the way of a good story, that's what I say.


30th Jul 2001, 20:26
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to
make a good impression on her first day. She explains to her class that she
is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher
looks at the girl with surprise and says:
"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,"
she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked:

"Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Manchester united fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a man united fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a man united fan
and my dad is a man united fan, so I'm a man united fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for
you to be a man united fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all
of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Us pie eaters know loads of scouser jokes,

[ 30 July 2001: Message edited by: touch&go ]

Yak Hunt
30th Jul 2001, 22:17
Danny must be at his place of employment!!

DX Wombat
31st Jul 2001, 01:40
Yak: I wanted a different name and happen to like the furry little Aussie creatures, they have the sense to hide in their underground burrows during bush fires so manage to survive the inferno racing through the bush above. I have lots of good friends in Oz some of whom are of Scouse extraction, others Aussies and yet others from an Italian background so I fear you have just made yourself "Persona-non-grata" in Oz as well. Anywhere else you fancy being made unwelcome? I can arrange the facilities for such an event in USA, Canada, Italy, France, Botswana, Ireland, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Singapore, Malaysia, Vietnam etc, etc. Take your pick. By the way, I don't fancy your chances if Woomera finds out what you have been saying about Oz. Aussies now regard it as a status symbol to be able to claim descent from an original settler, including those who had no choice but to settle there. :eek: :rolleyes: :D :cool:

Gash Handlin
31st Jul 2001, 03:02
Lets face it Yak, You're pretty much persona non grata planet earth!!!

Just think how many jokes that gives you licence to post :D :D :D :D

31st Jul 2001, 11:11
Sorry Folks have been away for a couple of days. I am with you.... Yak your dead meat mate! I am going to tell our kid about you, and she will duff you up.

I must admit that I did think Gashes post on the Olympics was absolutely spot on very funny. :)

Q. Why are there now Germans in this thread?

A. Because Danny wont let them in, "As they bombed our CHIPPIES".

Tricky Woo
31st Jul 2001, 13:56
A Scouser is crossing the road one day, and he gets hit by a bus and killed. So off he goes up to heaven, and as he approaches the Pearly Gates he sees the figure of St Peter awaiting him on the other side.

"And where dost thou hail from good fellow?" asked Peter.

"Liverpool" said the Scouser.

St Peter's brow furrowed; "Ah, tough then, we don't let Scousers in here, you want downstairs..."

"But I'm a good Scouser!" protested the bin dipper.

"Prove it" was Peter's reply.

"Well, this morning I was walking down the street and a man was collecting for Oxfam - I gave him two quid" said the Scouser.

"Not good enough" scowled Peter.

"Okay, well later that day I saw an old lady miss her bus, and I gave her a fiver to catch a taxi with her shopping"

"Hmm, still not good enough..."

"Well, as I was on my way home I saw this homeless guy begging for food so I gave him a tenner to buy some dinner, surely this proves I am a good man?"

"Hmm" said Peter; "Just a minute and I'll go and see the big man and see what I can do..."

So off went Peter into the clouds. Fifteen minutes passed, then another thirty minutes and eventually after an hour and a half, the
figure of St Peter re-emerges from the clouds.

"I've spoken to Him Upstairs and we've managed to come to a solution." said Peter with a smile.

"Great!" said the Scouser "does that mean I can get into heaven now?"

"No" said St Peter - "Here's your seventeen quid back, now f**k off you Scouse c**t".

31st Jul 2001, 16:58
:D :D Nice one Tricky!

On their recent round the world balloon trip Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones got lost in fog. When Brian said to Bertrand "where do you think we are?" Bertrand said, "hang on" and put his hand out of the window, then declared "we are over Italy." "Brilliant how do you know that?" Asked Brian. "Simple because I could feel the Leaning Tower of Pisa!"
A little while longer Brian said, "where do you think we are now then." Again Bertrand put out his hand. "I can feel the Eiffel Tower so we must be over France."
A bit longer and again Brian asks where they are. Bertrand pops his hand out again; "oh we must be over Liverpool." "That's amazing" says Brian, "how do you know this time?" "Because some bastard just nicked my watch!"

(Edited 'cos the person I nicked it from couldn't spell!)

[ 31 July 2001: Message edited by: Eric ]

You want it when?
31st Jul 2001, 17:02
Eric, it's an old joke, but it might just work.... :D

Gash Handlin
31st Jul 2001, 22:37
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

PPRuNe Towers
31st Jul 2001, 23:50
Keep 'em coming folks - at the end of the day you all still have to acknowledge the truth.

However much you enjoy the jokes you can't change the facts.

PPRuNe, conceived, created and nurtured in Liverpool.

DX Wombat
1st Aug 2001, 01:18
:D :D :D :D etc Nice one! Thank you PPRuNe Towers! Nice to know you are on the right side in this. Are the mug shots available yet? Where is the Chief Scouser (aka Capt PPRuNe)? Has he been informed of the mutiny yet? Anyone told Woomera or any of the more rabidly patriotic Aussies about the shameful slurs on Oz? :D :D :D :D

Yak Hunt
1st Aug 2001, 04:46
Nice one Towers!! ;)

1st Aug 2001, 06:16
Tricky Woo,
I loved the "hotel" series on BBC America about the Adelphi Hotel, what a beautiful building!

Yak Hunt
1st Aug 2001, 12:01
Lucky it's difficult to rob a website!! :D
Keep up the good work chaps ;)

Evening Star
1st Aug 2001, 14:02
True story from when I was a student in Liverpool during the early eighties.

Couple of scallys burgled a house, and, although they must have found it, they forgot to take the camera. Predictably, when the householders developed the film, they found that one of the scallys had taken a photo of his mate, and the bizzys knew him. Anyway, they hauled him, found out who is mate was, and both were sent down for the burglary. The local paper published the photo along with the report of the court case, and the whole city had a good laugh at their stupidity. I wonder where they are now?

Capt PPRuNe
1st Aug 2001, 23:25
OK, this thread has been brought to my attention. All I can say is keep it coming! Who ever said we Scousers don't have a sense of humour?

As PPRuNe Towers has said, PPRuNe most definitely was concieved in Liverpool. We can take it, unlike the population of Greater Moss Side and all those southern woofties who suffer from a great angst. :p

I now live in Cheshire since I got fed up with having my car firebombed in Liverpool every few months but I still venture back at least once a week at visiting time to see the family. ;)

Stupendous Man
1st Aug 2001, 23:28
I may as well offend some scousers while I'm here....

2 Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs.
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".

2nd Aug 2001, 00:05
Scouser goes to a big house and asks the owner if there's any "wairk" for twenty quid.

The owner gives Scouse a large tin of white paint and a four inch brush and tells him to go round the back of the house and repaint the porch.

Ten minutes later Scouse is back, asking for his twenty quid. The owner of the house asks how he painted such a big porch in such a short time.

Scouse replied that it wasn't a big porch but a Ferrari.

Gash Handlin
2nd Aug 2001, 00:56
Well as we now have the blessing of none other than the captain himself it would be rude not to...

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Mancunian, one a Scouser, and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this, but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"...However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Mancunian raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine !"
The doctor looked bewildered and said "Well sir of all the babies, I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
"That's a maybe", said the Mancunian, "but one of the other two is a Scouser and I'm not taking the risk."

:D :D :D
(apparently the old ones are the best ;) )

Gash Handlin
2nd Aug 2001, 01:53
OK, my last two for tonight,

It was the first game of the season and Liverpool were playing their new Bosnian striker, Bobalobakov. He went on to score a five goals and after the game he phoned his mother.
"It's been a great day here mum" he says. "I scored five goals!"
"That's great son" his mother replied "but it hasn't been a great day for us here. I got shot at, you're brother got beat up and you're sister got mugged".
"I'm very sorry mum" said the Bosnian.
His mum replied "well you should be. It's your fault we moved to Liverpool".

Q - What do you say to a Scouser in uniform?
A - Big Mac and fries please.