View Full Version : Friday Jokes

20th Feb 2004, 20:03
Ah well, as no one else has bothered...

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left
the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings
of the fence opposite the club.

Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and
lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a
good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.

Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"

Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that
you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
5 - The lady to y>ur right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a
while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to
watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. So, he
leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm
from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.The
only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
Welshman had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed
her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced
her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and lean over to
young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

20th Feb 2004, 20:23
:D Good ones Parapunter! :D

Englishman, Irishman, Scottishman and a welshman are due to be executed by firing squad. As they line up the commander of the squad asks them in turn what ther last request is to be.

The Scottishman pipes up and asks that "Flower of Scotland" as sung by the highland regiments is played before he is shot. The commander agrees to his request.

The welshman asks that "Land of my Fathers" as sung by the massed choir of welsh peasants is played before he is shot, to which the commander agrees.

The Irishman asks that the theme tune from Riverdance be played and that the riflemen dance along to it, to which the commander rolls his eyes but agrees..

The Englishman requests that he is shot first. :rolleyes:

20th Feb 2004, 20:36
Why did the second chicken cross the road?

cause he was stapled to the first one

Send Clowns
20th Feb 2004, 20:39
Why did the pervert cross the road? He was inside the chicken.

Sorry :(

20th Feb 2004, 20:58
Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls. They are very drunk and as the walk home was taking longer than expected, they find themselves desperate for a wee. As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones. As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with. The first woman decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards which is what she does. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick, expensive ribbon. 'Just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her, and uses the ribbon. Their task completed, they continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives, Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"

"You think you've got problems!" exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home with a card stuck up her bum that said 'We'll never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station'! "

:E :E

20th Feb 2004, 21:02
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The Women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are fu*king impossible to please. The exit is to your left,we hope you fall down the stairs."

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

20th Feb 2004, 21:40
Hey Drogna, Wasn't that my joke from last week??? Getcher own:* :}

20th Feb 2004, 21:55
Dammit - I feel so dumb now! :uhoh:

Papa Charlie
20th Feb 2004, 22:44
Tarzan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here!"

Tarzan removed his loincloth...stepped closer with his huge manhood and then suddenly gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?!"

"Tarzan check for bees."

20th Feb 2004, 23:15
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver,who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"