View Full Version : Antarctic Aquatic Avians taking over the World

Mirkin About
13th Nov 2001, 03:37
I believe that Penguins are about to launch an attempt at world dominance. The Blue Planet has clearly shown them in training. Marching long distances , swimming miles out to sea ,not eating for weeks on end and such like. Obviously they have the makings of a great army ,they are fit, well disciplined and keen.

The greatest evidence is sitting on my desk, not only does my copy of "Roget's Thesaurus" proclaim itself to be a "Penguin Reference" on both the front and back cover ,but the text on the back cover includes the words "Specially adapted for Penguins". Whilst the cover does not appear to have any concessions for flippers I am genuinely concerned. Once they have mastered the intricicies of the English language there may be nothing to hold them back. we must stop this menace from the South. I call on PPRUNE's finest minds to help me devise a solution to the greatest threat mankind has faced from Penguins.

Didn't Hitler go to Antarctica in a UFO? :confused:

13th Nov 2001, 03:50
don't they fall backwards if you fly over them? :p

13th Nov 2001, 04:00
This could be a very serious problem indeed, Mirkin, I have run a check through my somewhat extensive library and found that they have actually beenpublishing their own books - apparently for quite a while!

There could well be a global takeover bid in progress. Perhaps one solution would be to gather large icebergs and fasten them in a circle around the continent in question thus forming a relatively impenetrable barrier. Everyone knows penguins have trouble climbing!


tony draper
13th Nov 2001, 04:16
Polar Bears are the answer, often puzzled me why those big white bugg*rs don't eat Penguins. ;)

[ 12 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Mirkin About
13th Nov 2001, 04:21
Unfortunately the pesky little blighters can dive pretty deep so the would swim under a ring of icebergs unless the were all butted together such that there were no Penguin sized gaps. Checking my library (good tip thanks BLUE DIAMOND) reveals that not only are we in the South threatened by an army of literate flightless birds but our cousins in the North may be about to come under attack from another well trained seabird , I speak of course of the Puffins. They may well be joining forces with the might of the insect kingdom through the Ladybirds. We should all be very scared :eek:

13th Nov 2001, 04:34
It is all so obvious now that you have pointed it out. :eek:
The attack has been going on for quite some time using a subtle 'hearts and minds' strategy.
Propaganda through their own publishing house, Attenborough has been their dupe... and the fairy penguin parade at Phillip Island - must be the advanced shock troops.
But what are their aims....?? :confused: :confused:
Whatever their goals, we must resist!!!
Dialogue is useless. We must meet subtlety with force. :mad: :mad:
Mr Draper, how quickly can you mobilise a battalion of polar bears and ship them south?? ;)
(edited 'cos M beat me to a comment about the puffins )

[ 12 November 2001: Message edited by: CoodaShooda ]

tony draper
13th Nov 2001, 05:48
Re Polar Bears, Draper once visited a place called Port Churchill way up in the Hudson Bay, when we got in there was a announcement on the local radio station that said,
"Welcome to the crew of the British Monarcn, blah, blah blah, oh yes if you see a Polar Bear please don't molest it",
Oh yeh, we thought, good joke,Oh boy,twernt no joke.
Besides we haddn't been at sea long enough to be inflamed with lust at the sight of a naked Polar Bear. ;)

henry crun
13th Nov 2001, 07:02
A bit of lateral thinking required here.
Perhaps Mr CS is approaching the answer to the problem from the wrong direction.

Polar bears being large anti-social beasts, it would take quite a while to round up enough to make a difference.
Whereas penguins conveniently assemble in huge mobs ready to be corraled and collected.

Why not send the penguins to the arctic?,
after all they are quite small.
Using C5 or the big Antonov type of aircraft with multi level false floors stacked about two feet above each other one could get zillions of the little b*ggers in each load.

Mirkin About
13th Nov 2001, 07:31
Just been reading a thread in R&N in which one of the posters uses the Nom de Prune of Penguin. Seems we are not safe even here in Pruneland . They're out to get us I tell ya. :eek: Don't know if a C5 or An124 would get into McMurdo to collect the little b***ers but I'll volunteer to be on the first of many Herc's to go and round 'em up.

Penguins BAH they're coming for you next!!!

[ 13 November 2001: Message edited by: Mirkin About ]

13th Nov 2001, 08:45
But Mr Crun
If the little b*ggers are clever enough to plan and execute a sophisticated scheme to achieve world domination, we may have some difficulty in convincing them the C5's are there just to give them local joy flights.

And any attempt to load them may well be opposed by hordes of misguided 'greenie tree-huggers' and, (even more deadly).....pommie animal liberationists. :eek:

Far better a surgical strike by a small number of ravenous p.b.'s parachuted at night on to the ice floes and coastal nesting areas. Yes.... this is a job for the Special (B)Air Service.

Wipe out the menace at its roots. :mad: :mad:

Travelling Toolbox
13th Nov 2001, 09:00
An aerial assault would be best I think. But watch out!! I recall seeing film footage of some "death squads" of the blighters that were cunningly fitted out with "under wing" pylons that sported air to sir missiles.

I believe they were led by some dastedly human in top hat and tails who had taken their name and asserted that he was their leader.

Maybe we should contact this fellow's sworn enemy - a Mr Bat Man or some such moniker. He might assist in repelling the invasion. :eek:

13th Nov 2001, 11:43
I am afraid chaps that we are too late.
Penguins have broken out from the Antarctic and can be seen in large numbers on the Arabian peninsular.

Breaking News....
It has just been reported that a contingent of penguins have been sighted in Rome, specifically around the Vatican where it is believed they are hoping to kidnap the pope and hold him ransom.
Their claims are said to include the rounding up and extermination of all Polar Bears :D :D

Tricky Woo
13th Nov 2001, 13:33
It's about time you lot woke up to this very obvious threat... however (as mentioned) the real threats are the Puffins and Ladybirds. They've been casually brainwashing young children for decades, aided and abetted by unscrupulous primary school teachers.

Evil bast-ards.

Who amongst us can say that he or she was not a childhood victim of Ladybird or Puffin propaganda?


p.s. I wonder what the Cousins make of all this? Ahhh, who cares...

13th Nov 2001, 17:32

How right you are, I was once so brainwashed by my primary school re-educators that I actually was a signed up, card carrying, badge wearing member of the Puffin Club. :eek:

I tried to resist, but by then the damage was done, and I was reading their fowl propaganda 3 or 4 times a week.


Tricky Woo
13th Nov 2001, 21:08

I'm also a victim of the Puffin Club's fowl propaganda. While this they were busy feathering their own nest, even the most egg-headed of children were damaged beyond salvation. Even now, a mere whisper in the shell-like causes many of us to go all aflutter.

Of course, with the English education system running on a wing and a prayer, we shouldn't be surprised that put all their eggs in the one basket. Their justification was that a bird in the hand was worth two in the bush... fine, until one starts to count the chicks before they hatch.

Someone should have reported them to the local beak.

Er... that's all the puns I can think of for now.


14th Nov 2001, 00:23
What we need is for everyone to do the Penguin Suck. :eek: You unwrap them, bite off the end, then bite off opposite corners. Next dunk one corner into some hot coffee, and suck through the other. As soon as the coffee comes through, push the whole lot into your mouth. Loverly! :p (licking my lips!) They very rarely complain about this and the feathers never seem to stick in your teeth...

14th Nov 2001, 01:04
Eggsactly Tricky, I'm white with you! :D

Mirkin About
14th Nov 2001, 03:14
The horror continues ,here in AUS , erstwhile Play School presenter Don Spencer has brainwashed millions of kiddies to do "The Fairy Penguin Strut". Whilst in the Antarctic the penguins careful study of our society continues . For monarchies they have bred a race of King Penguins ,elsewhere they will use Emperor Penguins to subvert governments. The have already captured the town of "Penguin " in Tasmania and erected a giant statue of themselves on the water front there. It also appears they may have stolen our post counters.

Penguins, never liked 'em meself, except for those little chocky bikkies in the UK but we got smart here and dumped thier propaganda and called 'em Tim Tams.

compressor stall
14th Nov 2001, 12:26
I remember camped on a remote island off the Australian coast nursing a poor penguin for a day, then he left. He watched us sit around the campfire talking all night. I now have that sense of retrospective paranoia over what was said that night, and how much do they know?? :eek:

DX Wombat
15th Nov 2001, 05:30
Mirkin, are you sure you got it right about the TimTams? Surely this is the undercover branch of their Secret Service? What about the threat from the Black Swans and the Corgis? The corgis have managed to infiltrate the homes of Royaly no less so where else have they managed to get? :eek: :eek: :cool:

compressor stall
15th Nov 2001, 05:53
Suddenly things become even clearer.

Tim Tams are actually fanatical penguins carefully disguised as they are prepared to die for their cause here. In oz where penguins are common, the "penguin suck" would arouse suspicion, so they cunningly had it renamed the "Tim Tam Slam".

Tim Tams are highly developed intellegence gatherers, lurking around post dinner time when the subjects upon whom they are spying are slightly enebriated, and have more chance of letting important information slip.

Ever noticed that when you get the remaining Tim Tams from the 'fridge the following morning, there are fewer than you expected in the packet? They have run back to penguin HQ to report and file al they have learned from the night before.

The truth is out there.


Mirkin About
15th Nov 2001, 06:39
STALLIE, I think you are really on to something here not only are they spying on us during our post dinner conversations , but actively encouraging us to take them into our homes through TV advertising and that lovely choclatey taste mmmmmmm chocolate.

Now where was I ? Clearly they are running a carefully engineered stomaches ,hearts and minds campaign. They are cleverer than I first thought.

Just a Minute , earlier this year banner adds in our very homes here at PPRUNE had cartoon like images of penguins using gas powered home appliances . The purpose of this is two fold .

1 it educates the penguins in the use of these appliances

2 It gets us used to having Penguins in our homes operating our appliances , all the easier for when they become our lords and masters.
Time to test my emergency evacuation plan , a fast ride through the Adelaide hills to hole up in a bunker (read cellar) at a winery with plenty of robust reds.

They're coming I tell ya. :eek:

15th Nov 2001, 06:53
I rather think we need to recruit someone experienced in the struggle to keep the penguins in their place. Who better than Jack Dee? After all, he managed to get the tapdancing penguins off the John Smith's ads after they had mysteriously managed to oust the Jack Russell and Arkwright...

henry crun
15th Nov 2001, 07:39
No one should underestimate the cunning of these little chappies, they have even tamed their former mortal enemy the Orca.

It true, I've seen them on tv water skiing being towed at high speed by an Orca, and they even had a packet of a well known companies potato crisps tucked under a flipper.
Practising their seaborne invasion method perhaps ?.

[ 15 November 2001: Message edited by: henry crun ]

15th Nov 2001, 07:51
Is it possible that all this is the result of a long term plan hatched in retaliation for the RFC/RAF adopting the very name 'penguin' as an insulting term for commanding officers who, while wearing wings, weren't willing to fly?

Did our grandparents inadvertantly commit a serious breach of penguin protocol by linking the species with cowardly behaviour?
Are they out to prove a point?

Or are they engaged in a protective action to reverse global warming and preserve their ice floes? :eek: :eek:

Ah buggrit....who cares. Send in the bears!!!! :D :D

15th Nov 2001, 08:01
Chain of Ponds Winery in the Adelaide Hills mentions something about being a "pilot vineyard" (?????) http://www.adelaide-hills.com.au/wine/tour/chainofponds.htm ....perhaps you should head there, Mirkin...although, all those Ponds might attract the pesky Penguins....

Bit of a worry...


15th Nov 2001, 13:03
Were Doomed! Were Doooommed!
:eek: :eek:
I don't think we can beat them so I am gonna join them, Just been to the tailors to have my penguin suit made.
Now AerBabe, you wanna try that suck thing on me.
:D :D

Mirkin About
16th Nov 2001, 05:06
Perhaps we already have a means to defeat them ,which is being subverted by dangerous penguin sympathisers. Global Warming , see its easy although they can swim the have to come ashore to breed , so if we melt the Antarctic ice they will only have half the area to breed in and it will be all rocky and not smooth so they may not breed . Also raising the see level will make the oceans deeper so they will have to dive further to fish and be too tired to [email protected]

If all else fails we simply smash open all the old fridges in the world and burn as much Polystrene as we can and cook the ******s when the ozone hole opens to ground level , scoop 'em up and feed the starving with their fried little carcasses.

******ed if they are gonna get me .

Does anyone see any flaws in my plans thus far? :)

16th Nov 2001, 05:38
Now AerBabe, you wanna try that suck thing on mesirwa, just to remind you... ...bite off the end, then bite off opposite corners. Next dunk one corner into some hot coffee...
Are you really, really sure about that? ;)

[ 16 November 2001: Message edited by: HugMonster ]

Desert Dingo
16th Nov 2001, 06:47
It is even worse than I first thought!
The penguins are using this propaganda to lull us into thinking that there is no threat, while at the same time they are carrying out their plan to gain world domination of all our computers.
Look at http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Vista/1275/linuxlogo.gif
We are doomed!

16th Nov 2001, 06:48
Global Warming = higher sea levels = greater range for the b*ggers. They'll be able to move further in land....the Barossa could be threatened. :eek: :eek:
Yours is a sound long term strategy but we need to deal with the current numbers, those teaming millions that will move north as their ice floes vanish.
We know that they can make it to Oz, South America and Africa.
Can you imagine hordes of hungry, tired and emotional penguins swimming up King William St trying to find their way to the hills? Would you want your family to get in their way?

We need the bears and we need them NOW!!!! :mad: :mad:

Why is the northern hemisphere refusing us this essential aid??? Does the EU have an agenda of its own???

Come to think of it, Penguin, Puffin and Ladybird all came from......... :mad: :mad:

Mirkin, the plot is greater than first thought.

It has to be the Poms!!!

First start global warming by inventing the industrial age.

Then whip up the anger of the penguins by insulting their ancestors.

Use the media to convince children everywhere that they are funny lovable creatures.

And deny Dunnundans essential aid in the form of an immediate deterrent, only available in the northern hemisphere.

Scenario - Nasty dunnundans refusing poor homeless penguins a new home when we've burnt holes in the ozone layer and destroyed their nesting grounds.

Mate we're on a hiding to nothing here!!!

And all because we can beat them at every game they invented. :( :(

16th Nov 2001, 07:06
A multitude of Puffins on Skomer this year.
None on Lundy.

Have WHITE BEARS, will travel.
Where exactly do you want them? Stand clear there!!
How will you be paying?

Mirkin About
16th Nov 2001, 07:29
Ok seems like we do need the B W B's however I propose a little market testing first , just to be sure they are the answer to our prayers. I thereore propose a trip to Sea World ,to introduce some penguins to their new best friends . Should let at least one get away and return to its scheming little buddies. If they know we have three they might think twice and call off the whole thing . The conflict is escalating.

16th Nov 2001, 07:37
Oh, you had to do that, didn't you?

No survivors, not one.

Oh, the penguininity!

compressor stall
16th Nov 2001, 09:39
Well humanity was very adept at countering the threat of the Auk. We need to unite together against this threat, even if it was started by the Poms!

DX Wombat
16th Nov 2001, 10:19
You could start with a worldwide Penguin / Tim Tam party. Everyone to consume as many as possible. Don't keep any leftovers in the fridge as they like the cold, they should be kept in a warm place so that their chocolate coating melts just enough to make them all stick together in a big clump thus preventing any escape. None will then be able to get back to PHQ (Penguin Headquarters) to spill the beans about what we are doing. :D :D :D
A word of warning! If the hole in the ozone layer is big enough to fry the penguins then it will be big enough to fry people too. You could find Penguin Suicide Squads flocking to the hole with the intention of luring unsuspecting humans to their doom! :eek: :eek: :eek:

DX Wombat
16th Nov 2001, 10:26
Another dreadful thought has just occured to me. Beer drinkers in HM ex Penal Colony Dunnunda should be VERY VERY careful what they drink, the Swans and Emus have taken over beer production in some areas. Ingestion of large quantities of these fluids is known to have devastating effects both physical and mental. Is there no limit to their scheming? :eek: :eek: :eek:

16th Nov 2001, 17:27
Is this what is meant by that obscure eastern saying:
"Its a jungle out there"?? :( ;)

Mirkin About
17th Nov 2001, 12:40
They're in my beer and in my bloody jungle.Stalliewe did ok against the Great AUK but the Little Auks on telly the other night were ganging up with the whales to slaughter herrings,and they are related to puffins AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH :eek:
The banner ads at the bottom of these pages offer 100 pounds "for your old boiler" , surely MRS MIRKIN is worth a bit more than that and what are the penguins going to do with her? Shades of Alien abductions ,and I am sure Hitler went to the Antarctic in a UFO.

[ 17 November 2001: Message edited by: Mirkin About ]

17th Nov 2001, 21:09
The thought of T Draper having been at sea long enough to inflame him to the point of trying to stick it to a polar bear doesn't bear thinking about.

RSPCPB's will have to be informed about this unnatural behaviour at once

18th Nov 2001, 07:32
I've just noticed something interesting ... the bottles of Bundaberg Rum (made here in Oz) carry an image of a polar bear.

Now, this could mean that help is at hand. It could be that, rather than being a product of sugar, Bundy is really the distilled essence of polar bear and is intended for use in the war against penguins.

The only problem is, the bottles carry no instructions. This would be for the obvious reason that penguins would be able to read printed directions too and develop a defence.

I believe the secret was probably handed down from person to person in the traditional manner but, like the chinese whisper, the truth has been lost in the telling.

What we need now is for some of PPRuNe's most powerful minds to apply their capabilities to the issue. How should this valuable weapon be used in the war against the penguins?

Get onto it all you PPRuNe thinkers out there ... discover the lost secrets of Bundy then come back and tell the world.

18th Nov 2001, 16:19
I am reliably informed that Bundy can fuel a pretty mean flamethrower...

19th Nov 2001, 21:35
Looks like we're too late with the plan to bring in polar bears to sort out the penguin problem.
Apparently the Polar bears were getting a bit fed up with the Seal diet and were looking for alternatives.
Now the canny penguins realised that this was the humans chance to take the bears to Antarctica and let then discover the subtle flavours of the penguin, so what did they do? :confused:
They hijacked a 50,000 ton tanker carrying curry powder and had it run aground in the arctic. The curry powder got in amongst the seals. :p
The bears came out the pub having consumed several dozen Swans and felt peckish. Suddenly they were all into seal curry. The bears went wild. I doubt if we will ever get them to like the taste of penguin now.

PS It must be true I saw it on the BBC. (Prime, Animal Capers) :D

Mirkin About
20th Nov 2001, 04:53
If nothing else Bundied up, curry fuelled bears will widen the hole in the ozone layer and affect the Penguins that way.

tony draper
20th Nov 2001, 05:07
The thought of T Draper having been at sea long enough to inflame him to the point of trying to stick it to a polar bear doesn't bear thinking about.

One is a man Mr Paterbrat, one has normal male appetites.
Whats wrong with a comely young bear, hmmm.
One means a female of the species of course,
after all, one is not a pervert. ;)

[ 20 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Mirkin About
20th Nov 2001, 05:55
Knowing Drapers affection for broken pilots . A Draper/Polar Bear hybrid would be pretty effective against Penguins ;)

20th Nov 2001, 06:22

If it says "File not found" or similar, paste the line above into your browser's Address line.

[ 20 November 2001: Message edited by: HugMonster ]

Mirkin About
22nd Nov 2001, 03:42
Wanted 100 penguin masks size XXL

22nd Nov 2001, 18:27
Bad news Murkin.

We're working to mobilise our 75,000 saltwater crocodiles for coastal defence and they'll make mincemeat of the penguin hordes should they get this far north.

Unfortunately, they won't go south of the Tropic of Capricorn.

Something about cold water and brass monkies???

Looks like we'll have to re-establish the Brisbane Line - but this time with the right perspective.

Hear that Canberra!!!? :D :D

tony draper
22nd Nov 2001, 20:50
I remember my ship being followed by Albatroses for weeks, but they always turned round and bugge*d off when we got to close to the equator, them birds just don't like venturing into the northern hemishere. :(

DX Wombat
23rd Nov 2001, 05:23
Mirkin, I can't find any penguin masks but have a suggestion which may help. If you have, or have access to a scanner, you could scan in a picture of a penguin's head, adjust it to the right size, then print it and cut it out. You would be able to use several different breeds of penguin faces which might help to reduce the likelihood of their suspicions being aroused. I would willingly do the scanning for you and email the results but unfortunately I am not at home, I'm in Dunnunda and the scanner here has suffered a terminal nervous breakdown. By the way, I think we can safely leave the Freddo Frogs to the French to deal with, they are experts in frog immobilisation. :D :D

DX Wombat
23rd Nov 2001, 05:27
Good news Mirkin! I have just seen a news item about some Polar bear cubs moving into Sea World at Sydney. Apparently there are two others already in residence so now there are four. Not a lot, I know, but at least it is a start. :D :D :D

Mirkin About
23rd Nov 2001, 08:16
Exxxcellennt, two cubs for the Chin Straps, Macaronis and Littles and the big ones for the Emperors , Kings etc. Thanks DX.

Every little bit helps in this war for our survival.

DX Wombat
23rd Nov 2001, 12:58
Seems like we might be in with a chance at last. The French are dealing with the choccy frogs, the Aussie kids are devouring those Caramello Koalas, The Brits are scoffing the choccy Penguins and the Aussies are on the Tim Tams (and they've got those PBs too) What we need now is a proper strategy. Perhaps one of the Military bods could help here? :D :D :D :cool:

Rallye Driver
23rd Nov 2001, 17:33
I think the Al Penguina network is part of a much wider international conspiracy. President Dubya was attacked by a turkey this week which managed to evade his secret service bodyguards to go straight for the gonads (obviously a long term strategy). With millions of them due for the chop over the next few weeks, can we expect more such desperate attacks?

Also, have you ever stopped to consider all those budgerigars, mynah birds and parrots we have carefully taught to speak English and the havoc they could cause if they managed to get to a phone?

How many of you out there have never been hit by freefall guano from a passing avian? With the latest advances in laser guidance systems, fuel-air bombs and ‘daisy cutters’, think what damage a thousand pigeon raid could do to innocent American tourists in Trafalgar Square.

We will be at our most vulnerable when, laid low with salmonella and botulism from eating turkey over Christmas, the first snow falls and Britain grinds to a halt. Then we can expect the penguin invasion. Our only hope seems to be Global Warming.

It’s time to be afraid, very afraid


Mirkin About
29th Nov 2001, 08:06
According to sources the Penguins are responsible for the failure of banner ads to load ,the DX Wombat Newsagency has reported that Penguins are pouring custard over pprune.

Did notice that the Penguin Banner ads were unaffected during the recent troubles and it was probably a penguin that caused HugMonster's cullinary incident ,convinced cats not to take pills , taught Jack Russels how to count pieces of cheese,caused the decline of the Motorway Cafe, stole Ding Ducky's underwear and know EXACTLY who she is. I'll bet they know what women want and what men's preferences in women are.
Since they keep such an eye on us they are all PPRUNEAHOLIC's, they hid Ursa Major, Love sheep , have studied Kiwi Sex Habits ,know exactly when a farthing ceased being legal tender, own all the Tobacco companies and are trying to WOO Tricky into either a: starting up again or b: a really good flame war.
They put the lions around to mess up the walkaround and thus affect flight safety (jealosy there) and before long the only response to WHICH LAW? will be Penguin Martial Law.

Ok take a breath .........


DX Wombat
29th Nov 2001, 12:12
Mirkin, have a word with Tricky W. In his present state of acute nicotine withdrawal he is probably psychologically well suited to sorting out stroppy little penguins. I agree that there is an element of jealousy there, they got rid of the farthing as you said and you know what was depicted on the farthing (besides HM that is) a ROBIN! A bird which can fly. The plot appears to be thickening. :eek: :D

DX Wombat
29th Nov 2001, 13:42
And then there is that little item they have sneaked into Tech Log. The one about trying to get the likes of 747s to fly in formation like geese do. They claim it is some researchers who are proposing this but don't say who. It's probably PI 15 the Penguin Secret Service. I had another thought about this jealousy factor. All the birds in favoured positions are those which either cannot fly eg emus, or who can swim - swans, geese etc. Hmmm, this requires a little more thought. :eek: ;)

30th Nov 2001, 06:11
These penguins aren't just confined to cold arctic places y'know. They're everywhere - every country has a 'zoo' thingy with penguins. Children's parks, Disney, Sanctuarys and all sorts of places have penguins. Fact is, they're penguin terrorist cells waiting to be activated by their masters of literary rhetoric - "Janet & John"! Aaaaaarrrrgggh.

Travelling Toolbox
30th Nov 2001, 06:45
Mirkin & DX Wombat I am very worried. I have heard that our navy here in Dunnunda has the ability to carrry and fire Penguin missiles! Does this mean that the dastedly flippered avians have usurped our defence force to use against us? God help us all!!!

Mirkin About
30th Nov 2001, 07:10
Travelling Toolboxindeed they may have as there also is/was a HMAS Penguin.

Perhaps what we need to do is all dress up in Penguin suits and visit a bar somewhere for an intel gathering session ;)

Travelling Toolbox
30th Nov 2001, 08:53
Mirkin What a stirling idea! I'm sure there's lots of intel can be gathered between here (west) and you (south) to generate lots of useful data. Now if we can get some trustworthy types from that toehold around Phillip Island in Vic where the vanguard assault penguins have been gathering - we surely should bolster our chances of mounting a strong counter-offensive. Which pub did you have in mind? :cool:

DX Wombat
30th Nov 2001, 09:50
Now why didn't I think of that sooner? It's a brilliant idea but unless you can all join me on QF71 etc on Sunday I won't be able to manage it for a while. I'm back off to the frozen north of England a little further south than Mr Draper. Still, the cold weather training may come in useful. TT, could you possibly do something about that toehold the little so-and-sos have near Perth - you now the one I mean, Penguin Island near the navy base at Garden Island, or are you too far north of PER? May I suggest that you practice your spanner chucking using small penguin-sized targets in preparation for the day when such talents may be needed? Mirkin, I may be out of touch for a few days but will be back in touch as soon as I can. (I haven't got a laptop and anyway Skippy and co quite rightly frown on their use when in one of their aircraft) I'll let you know when I'll be back in PER. We can't let the little horrors beat us. :cool: ;)

Travelling Toolbox
30th Nov 2001, 10:59
To paraphrase a tele commercial in these parts:

DX - I'm right on it!! Lunch DX?

I have a friend undercover as a Ltcmdr Seaweed on said adjacent island. I did see him only this morning with a bandana on his head and muttering something about "kamikaze attack at dawn will fix the ******s!" Will keep you posted.

(TT retires to shed to furiously cut out more penguin size cardboard targets to chuck spanners at - but only spreadchrome, TT couldn't bear to treat my Snapon that way.) :cool:

30th Nov 2001, 12:35
There was a big hoo haa round our way a little while back concerning the National Parks and Wildlife Services. It seems that a control burn on Montague Island killed a colony of about 100 fairy penguins.

It appears that the authorities have been aware of this feindish plot for some time, but when some minor details leaked to the public, there was outrage. I think that we have absolutely no cause for worry, as the govt. is solving the problem for us, but hiding all the details so the greenies don't kick up a stink.

henry crun
30th Nov 2001, 14:20
I don't think its the fairy penguins we've got to worry about, its the zillions of heterosexual versions who are doing all the breeding. :) :)

DX Wombat
30th Nov 2001, 14:41
TT, Please DON'T use any decent equipment for target practice any old lump of metal of about the same size and shape will do. I'm sure you will be able to find the odd bit of discarded aircraft say - landing gear bay doors, which can be chopped up into suitable chunks. I hear some which may be useful has been dumped somewhere up near Darwin. :eek: :D

DX Wombat
30th Nov 2001, 17:05
TT, now it's your turn to do the enlightening. I have seen very little tv since I arrived so am not familiar with the commercial you mentioned. Sorry! :confused: :confused:

30th Nov 2001, 20:46
RW-1 has received evidence of the avian's, clearly showing their umourous side, or if taken too far, their dangerous side, for if they treat their fellow penguins like this, what is in store for humankind?

Penguin Behavioural Study Video Footage Clip (http://www.dynamicflight.com/dl/penguin.mpg)

Mirkin About
1st Dec 2001, 15:53
RW-1 good one , hopefully this is an example of their upper echelon politics.

TT a quick visit to the OPTUS shop nearest you should furnish plenty of Penguin targets cause the one near me is riddled with cardboard cutouts . I guess they are trying to infiltrate the telecomunications industry as well. What next? When they get to Aviation and Alchohol we are all Screwed :eek: .

Feeton Terrafirma
1st Dec 2001, 17:39
It would appear the many great minds have devoted much thought to the problem of the avian invasion. I myself have seen the little beggers running around on bits of sand near the 12 Apostles, and they even breed down that way. They have secure footholds on the mainland, approachable only from the sea, protected by sheer cliffs on the landward side. But that won't stop them. Oh no, they can dig tunnels, and it won't be long before they are running lose atop the cliffs.

Has anybody devoted any thought as to why one species of Penguin is called a King Penguin? I have devoted considerable time to the consideration of this, and decided that this must be because they are the ruling class, and they intend to rule the world.

There is one other problem I must point out. Penguins rule the Internet. Yes it's true. I believe this had been a long term stragegy and it's worked very well. Not many people realise that Linux is used by more than half the worlds servers and that it was invented by Penguins. You only have to visit a linux site to see that it's true.

So they already run the world!!!!!!!!!!!

DX Wombat
1st Dec 2001, 17:52
They've got the beer already - or at least the swans and emus have. I'm working for my RAE (Radio Amateurs Exam) it's taking time as I don't have much to spare but I hope to get there eventually so we will still have a toehold in radio communications. Mirkin can fly aircraft and TT can maintain them so things are coming along and if the Govt. really is on our side so much the better. What we could do with is a few vets on our side. There was a time in Liverpool when the number of feral cats in factories exceeded the availability of food and numbers of kittens were increasing rapidly. The solution they came up with was to neuter all the toms (sorry chaps but it is technically easier) and then let them lose again to defend their territories and concubines all happily now kitten-free and likely to remain so. A similar penguin-neutering programme might work. What do you think? By the way, does anyone know if penguins can understand Morse? The code that is, not the copper. :D :D ;)

DX Wombat
1st Dec 2001, 18:39
Feeton, there is another tribe called the "Emperors" Do you think we could start a civil war between the two tribes? It might help reduce the numbers. :rolleyes: ;)

Mirkin About
5th Dec 2001, 03:59
I have failed ohh how I have failed. Tv last night showed two gentlemen running a surf shop in Tasmania , making heaps of money showing people how cute and cuddly these cunning little B#$tards are . The had named some of the Penguins ,etc etc . The worst part , they had a researcher coming from Queensland to study the effects of Human contact on the Penguins , bet they will get one hell of a surprise when they are killed in an Orgy of violence by the "cute little Fairy Penguins ". Then it will be a study of the effects of penguin contact with humans and the results will not be pretty.

You Have Been Warned , ignore me at your peril.

Celtic Emerald
5th Dec 2001, 22:34
Bloody nuns taking over again? :mad:

Emerald :)

Mirkin About
8th Dec 2001, 15:24
The penguins have long ago infiltrated the RC's expect dressing like a nun to be mandatory under the Pengiban.

10th Dec 2001, 06:26
The most important telephone number in Churchill is 675-2327. Each of the 1,000 inhabitants knows it by heart – 675-2327 is
the number of the Polar Bear Police, whose only post is in Churchill, Manitoba, in north-central Canada.

This is the polar bear capital of the world. Every year in November the inhabitants have to share their town with 200 polar bears, among the most dangerous predators on earth.
Fast, strong and unpredictable, polar bears might look clumsy and cuddly but they can attack without warning.

Just before winter begins, Churchill has a six-week "season".
Adventure tourists from around the world head to the Arctic Circle (Churchill is actually far from the Arctic Circle) to see a unique natural spectacle; hundreds of polar bears waiting until the Hudson Bay freezes over so that they can hunt on the ice for seals, their favourite food.
A warning notice "Polar Bear Alert – Stop, don't walk in this area" is situated at the edge of town in front of a few rocks.
Behind it, the slowly freezing Bay. Our guide, Denise, has twice seen a bear appear suddenly from behind the rocks.
I ask what you should do in such a case. "Take your clothes off and slowly walk backwards," she laughs. Bears are naturally curious, apparently, and stop at each garment to sniff it. You must never run away or look them directly in the eyes as that annoys them. Far better to arrive freezing cold at the next house than risk a stand-off with a bear. In Churchill all doors are supposed to remain unlocked at all times for just such emergencies.

When I tried the back door at our hotel, the Aurora Inn,however, it was locked and there were tracks directly in front of the window. Giant prints the sizes of two or three dinner plates. Luckily yesterday's bear was already in the Polar Bear Compound, the polar bear jail. Whoever spots a polar bear in the closed zone of town calls the rangers from Natural Resources, who challenge the intruding bear and knock him out with a tranquilliser gun. The sleeping white giant is placed in transit detention at the polar bear jail just beyond the centre of town. Repeat offenders end up in the zoo. As we arrived there were just two polar bears under lock and key although there is space for 32. When the jail is full, they are flown 30 miles to the north. The bears are given ear markers so that they can be recognised again. Bears that are caught four times are considered to be hopeless, "never learn better" cases. Used to human settlements, they are a danger and so are sold to zoos around the world. Last year the rangers caught and freed 108 bears.
Driving out with Debra Wazney in her tundra buggy, a converted bus with giant buggy wide wheels, to the Wapusk National Park, in the monotonous, treeless and endlessly flat tundra, I imagined the GIs who once fought war games here. We almost missed our first bear as it lay in a lazy doze on the frozen ground.
Feeding is forbidden and climbing down from the vehicle would also be dangerous. We were warned to hang neither an arm nor a camera out over the open platform. A polar bear can
travel at a speed of 50km an hour and he can kill with just one swipe of his massive paw. Ahead of us a giant polar bear had reared up and was sniffing at another buggy. His mouth easily reached the slightly open window, but he was only sniffing. His nose is his most important "weapon". With it he can smell seals under a metre-thick ice cover. The bears are completely silent, they don't roar or hiss. They kill quietly too, Debra says.

On the second day of our tundra buggy tour the bears loved us. First, two males gave an impressive wrestling bout lasting for several minutes. They were only playing. We could see their sharp teeth and claws with our telescopic lenses. And then we saw a female with a pair of two-month-old cubs. They had killed a bird and were chewing the feathers. On the way back we spotted bears from the Polar Bear Compound being flown out. They hung in a net below the helicopter taking them back to the tundra. They would wake just before being released in to freedom.

Polar bear safaris to Churchill are organised by International Wildlife Adventures, Winnipeg (001 204 949 2050), www.wildlifeadventures.com (http://www.wildlifeadventures.com)

A five-night trip including two nights in Winnipeg and three in Churchill costs about C$3,000 and includes flights to Churchill, tundra buggy tours and accommodation.

Dress warmly.

15th Dec 2001, 11:01
My God! Have been doing some in depth research and it seems that the ******s have allies everywhere. One mob even have their own country! Mention of it runs through the history of civilisation! At one stage, even the brave Dunnunderian diggers, as usually mislead by the evil Poms, atempted to attack them on their own ground. The result, the lads copped it for months and slinked (slank?) off to win against more a human and predictable enemy in Europe. Beware, Turkey must surely be in cahoots with the evil Penguins...
Come to think of it, we were bloody lucky in Germany too. They were imitating other unbeatable barnyard fowls and goose-stepping all over the place! :eek: :eek:

DX Wombat
15th Dec 2001, 18:11
Sitting here with my leg in a splint has given me time to think. The life expectancy of a penguin can't be more than a year or two so I suggest we ignore the adults for the time being and concentrate on the young ones instead. My scheme could prove beneficial in several areas and be profitable too. It relies on several things: Travelling Toolbox's spanner-chucking abilities, the Aussie talent and penchant for BBQs and their ability to eat ANYTHING as long as it has been cremated on said barbie and a means of disposal of the evidence. Er, I mean leftovers. The plan is as follows: TT to train up squads of volunteers as auxilliary spanner-chuckers, Mirkin to round up as many BBQs as possible and volunteers to help with the cremation, sorry, cooking. I will package up the soft down and other feathers into separate bags. The bag with the feathers can also contain all the inedible (for humans) bits and this can be donated to the starving polar bears as they will apparently eat just about everything - see Rollingthunder's post. This will deal with the unsavoury aspect of disposal. The soft down can then be made into good quality duvets, sleeping bags, polar clothing etc - this is where the profit lies and is also the reason for using the young penguins as they have much more soft, fluffy down and less of the hard, mature feathers. The young ones will also be more tender when barbequed. We could then have a HUGE BBQ and invite everyone we know to help dispose of the evidence. Send the adults, penguins that is, for a nice long swim in the Gulf Stream around Sellafield and the levels of radiation should put paid to their reproductive abilities. We could be rid of the problem in next to no time. What do you think Mirkin? Shall we work out a date and time for this operation? It will need a suitable code name that won't arouse their suspicions. :D :D :D

tony draper
15th Dec 2001, 19:02
How many years do the Penguins remain in the Penguin stage before they turn into seals?.
Can't seem to find this information anywhere, one is consumed with curiosity. :(

PS,A Penguin crysalid must be a pretty heafty piece of kit, how on earth do they manage to stick those things on the underside of leaves.

PPS, Perhaps we should ask Miss Velvet, she appears to have some expertise in this Metamorphosis thingy.

PPPS,Draper has been to Port Churchill on numerous occasions, Mr Thunder, it is true Polar Bears abound,even Whales come up and beg for titbits, there are Eskimo's to be seen and many drunken US servicemen, but never did Draper on all his voyages there clap eyes on so much as a hint of a Penguin.

PPPPS, another interesting snippet for those fond of natural history, there are many icebergs in the Hudson Bay, when summer approaches they all melt and turn into very large Mosquitos.

[ 15 December 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

16th Dec 2001, 05:42
True Mr. Draper. Churchill is the secure (from penguins) training ground of the white bear troops. They can be airlifted into the field of operations as soon as someone comes up with the appropriate credit card. This has been put on hold of course pending evaluation of the cause of the mysterious Adelie deaths down south.

16th Dec 2001, 05:43
Mr. Draper, you haven't been sticking to your medication programme have you? It takes only one or two missed pills and the Bad Things start happening again and we all start worrying about you.

16th Dec 2001, 12:34



Who has control?
17th Dec 2001, 15:02
The evil footsoldiers in Lord of the Rings are Orcs. Puffins are Auks. Penguins are the south hemispheres equivalents to puffins. We're doomed!

DX Wombat
18th Dec 2001, 00:19
Stop panicking WHC, ORCS are two legged, two armed, featherless ,land-bound, mythical creatures, AUKS are birds. So less for you to worry about. Anyone seen Travelling Toolbox recently? :D :confused:

29th Dec 2001, 12:27
Were saved, were saved :)

Mother Nature has recognised the danger and come to the rescue.
<a href="http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/ap/20011228/us/penguin_peril_1.html" target="_blank">Would you like ice with that sir?</a>

:) :) :)

DX Wombat
29th Dec 2001, 22:03
Well spotted! I also heard the tail-end of an item on the news the other day, something to do with the penguins in the Falklands not feeling too well and also not producing many penguin chicks. It must be all that falling over backwards. Keep flying those Hercules in they have longer to observe them and so more of them should fall over! :) :) :)

The Guvnor
30th Dec 2001, 17:07
From today's Sunday Times. Looks like the cunning iceberg plan is working!!

[quote][b]Penguins die in ice limbo[/b[


ANTARCTICA’S most important penguin colonies face disaster because a huge ice sheet has cut them off from their breeding grounds.
Hundreds of thousands of birds have been trapped at sea, forcing some to take refuge on ice floes. Many others are believed to have perished trying to cross the ice sheet to reach their breeding areas.

Scientists have considered a “pick up a penguin” rescue attempt similar to last year’s airlift of 56,000 Jackass penguins from Dassen Island, off South Africa, after an oil spill.

Antarctic researchers have, however, ruled out a similar operation. “Picking up penguins from ice floes is impossible — they just dive into the water,” said one.

The ice sheet has formed around two giant icebergs that grounded in the shallow waters near the penguin colonies. Satellite pictures show the sheet is 80 miles wide — up to four times bigger than normal.

The birds, which travel most efficiently through water, are used to walking only a few miles across ice from the open sea to their nests. But with a top waddling speed of only 1mph the trip would take them nearly four days rather than the normal few hours. Tens of thousands are already believed to have starved to death.

Dr Keith Nicholls, of the British Antarctic Survey, described the destruction as a tragedy. “These are beautiful birds and their colonies are dependent on rearing chicks each year to replace those lost to the climate and predators,” he said.

Pictures taken by a Nasa satellite gave the first warnings of the scale of the disaster and American scientists at the McMurdo research station on Ross Island have since confirmed it. The ice has cut off one of Antarctica’s largest colonies of Adelie penguins from its breeding ground at Cape Crozier on Ross Island, which normally contains 250,000 birds.

The birds are now stranded at sea and few are expected to reach the site. Another colony of Adelies trying to reach Cape Royds, also on Ross, is expected to “fail totally”, while a third, containing 1,200 rare Emperor penguins, also at Cape Crozier, has already been destroyed.

Scientists are deeply concerned. There are probably about 4m Adelie penguins across Antarctica. Emperor penguins are much rarer, with only about 150,000 pairs left.

The icebergs that caused the disaster broke away from the edge of the Ross ice shelf in March 2000. The scale of such ice movements is colossal. The Ross ice shelf is about the size of France; one of the icebergs is 50 miles long and 20 miles wide, while the other is 30 miles long and 10 miles wide.

Such icebergs are created only rarely — there may be a decade or more between them, so two in a year is unusual. But what happened next was most surprising to scientists.

Earlier this year the two icebergs grounded on the sea bed near McMurdo Sound, an area favoured by penguins because of its rich food supplies. The icebergs then blocked the water and wind currents that prevent ice from building up. This allowed a huge sheet of ice to extend outwards into the Ross Sea, sharply decreasing the fertility of the underlying water.

Researchers report that many of the penguins are taking refuge on passing icebergs — but these are too exposed and unstable for them to build nests. Emperor penguins will breed on sea ice, but only if it is stuck close to the shore. Adelie penguins will not lay eggs unless they have rocks or other material to build a nest.

The prospects for the colonies are bleak. Scientists say the icebergs could remain where they are for decades.

The colonies at Cape Crozier were the first to be discovered. Robert Falcon Scott, the Antarctic explorer, sent men to visit them at the beginning of the 20th century, before his doomed expedition to the South Pole.

A classic story of Antarctic science and adventure, The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Garrard, includes a description of an attempt by three of Scott’s men to collect the first Emperor penguin eggs.

The eggs were scientific curiosities because the penguins were incorrectly believed to be a “missing link” between dinosaurs and birds. The researchers survived blizzards and were confined for several days to a makeshift shelter in their quest for the eggs.

The Adelie colony at Cape Royds also has historic links. Next to it is a hut erected by Sir Ernest Shackleton during his first Antarctic expedition.

Adelie penguins are also in peril in other parts of Antarctica, particularly in the spit of land that projects northwards towards South America.

Almost all of the important penguin colonies on this peninsula are declining sharply. The reason is uncertain, but global warming could be involved.

Scientists studying fossilised penguin remains near Britain’s Antarctic research station at Rothera say far fewer Adelie penguins were there during warmer periods in the past.

Scientists working thousands of miles away at Australia’s Mawson research station on the other side of the continent have reported similar declines — accelerated recently by a mystery illness that could have been brought to Antarctica by humans.

It has also been a bad year for the thousands of Emperor penguins near Britain’s Halley research base. The ice there broke up early, before the chicks were old enough to fend for themselves — and most of them drowned or died from hypothermia


31st Dec 2001, 04:45
...and New York-based legal firm, Watter Lotter Tossas, today announced moves to represent all penguins in a class action against the human race for unspecified (but presumably mammoth) damages for:
a) Causing global warming
b) Introducing disease to Antartica
c) Inducing trauma by using the term 'penguin' as a dire insult and refusing to give in to legitimate penguin demands for planetary domination.

Penguins wishing to join in the action should contact......

Happy New Year all :) :)

Mirkin About
29th Jan 2002, 08:26
Penguin walks into a bar , orders a double scotch , sits on a bar stool and begins crying his eyes out.

The barman is obviously concerned by this and asks the Penguin what is the matter.

"well" says the penguin "I have been out searching all day and I have lost them , my whole entire family gone , lost forever what I am I to do ?"

. ."oh " says the barman " perhaps I can help , what did they look like?"

29th Jan 2002, 18:04
Oh God Murkin!. .Not Again!!!

Mirkin About
30th Jan 2002, 08:32

30th Jan 2002, 17:43

DX Wombat
31st Jan 2002, 04:36
And why not Mr C? We can't let the little feathered twerps think they can just do exactly as they please. They have to be kept on the flipper tips not knowing when or where the next assault will come from. Heard anything from Travelling Toolbox yet Mirkin? Is he OK? <img src="wink.gif" border="0"> :) :)

1st Feb 2002, 04:19
Hi Dx. .You can't say we're not taking precautions against the little blighters. When did you last hear of one in the waters off Darwin, hmmmm? <img src="tongue.gif" border="0"> . .Come to think of it, we're short on wombats too <img src="eek.gif" border="0"> .. .Time to double check the crocodiles diet. <img src="eek.gif" border="0"> :) <img src="cool.gif" border="0">

Mirkin About
1st Feb 2002, 04:32
Hi DX , TT has popped up in the aviation nostalgia forum however no reports as to the success of his activities .. . It is with some concern that I note the advent of a new TV ad Dunnunda which depicts happy eskimos , woken early by a crowing penguin, spending their days manufacturing frozen fruit confections . Clearly the Penguin is more than just an alarm clock but Overseer as well . Just another image to imprint on our brains that they will be benevolent masters and we will be happy under their rule . Insidious little [email protected]

[ 31 January 2002: Message edited by: Mirkin About ]</p>

DX Wombat
1st Feb 2002, 04:39
The reason you are short of Wombats Mr C is that it is too hot and sticky up there in Darwin and you get those cyclones hurtling in every so often. In addition to this there are some VERY anti social people in NSW who keep trying to hold mass barbies so some of my friends have been baked in their burrows, not to mention the roasted koalas, kangaroos, etc. Wombats are the only Ozzie animal with any sense - they hide in burrows when there is a bush fire so don't normally get baked except under freak conditions. <img src="mad.gif" border="0"> <img src="mad.gif" border="0"> <img src="rolleyes.gif" border="0"> <img src="cool.gif" border="0">

DX Wombat
1st Feb 2002, 05:16
I must have been composing my previous contribution when you posted Mirkin. I'm glad TT is OK but the news about the Eskimos and penguins is very worrying. The little dears have previously been confined to the southern hemisphere so who has been helping them to emigrate to the North? Mind you, they probably don't realise that we have quite a few useful creatures up here who would welcome fresh penguin as atasty supplement to their normal diet. In addition to the previously mentioned Polar Bears we also have the Walrus and the Orca so there is probably still some hope. <img src="eek.gif" border="0"> <img src="rolleyes.gif" border="0"> <img src="cool.gif" border="0">

1st Feb 2002, 06:57
And you all thought Batman Returns [Danny de Vito as Penguin] was fiction :) :)

mmmm... Michelle Pfeiffer....

1st Feb 2002, 08:23
Dx. .Ahh, I can see that burrow dwelling might be a slight problem when the rainfall is measured in metres. Also explains the absence of bunny rabbits. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

But cyclones? The Rust Triangle seems to be in the news more for destructive storms and bushfires than for anything else these days. When was the last time you heard of a Darwin house loosing its roof in a storm? (Don't forget we had a Category 5 storm up here a couple of years ago.) <img src="tongue.gif" border="0"> <img src="wink.gif" border="0">

Mirkin About
5th Feb 2002, 04:26
Made it to a hundred. Must be one of the slowest to get there though.Sabotage by those bloody Antarctic Aquatic Avians no doubt. :) :) :)

[ 04 February 2002: Message edited by: Mirkin About ]</p>