View Full Version : Thank you, mr Draper!

12th Nov 2001, 12:41
You have explained an incident that occured a week or two ago that I have until now found slightly upsetting.

I was taking a nocturnal stroll in the general direction of my home through our beautiful (albeit by now somewhat cold) city when the ground suddenly rose about 5'10" and hit me in the face, causing some slight discomfort.

I found it somewhat embarassing at the time but now I realise that it was just all the leaves succumbing to the pull of gravity, as they often do this time of year, which caused this rapid elevation change.

Oh, and the headache is receding as well. I'm beginning to suspect that I'm allergic to the kind of peanuts they serve in bars - I'm often not feeling too good the day after eating them.


tony draper
12th Nov 2001, 13:03
Please, think nothing of it, Draper at one time was very fond himself of the falling down water, and suffered many departures from controlled walking.
Saturday nights seemed to be the favourite evening for sudden involuntary close study of various types of pavement, that part was easy, getting oneself back to a verticle configuration took much thought and careful planning.
One of the most disconcerting and inexplicable phenomenon was the strange 45% departures from the intended course, this was usualy acomplished with a sort of skipping side ways hopping motion and usualy ended up with a bout of pavement study.
Much more dangerous was the close quarter scrutiny of the main carriage way, if control of the side slip was maintained for a long enough period, one occasionaly found onself inadvertently suffering a main undercarriage collape in the middle of the road. ;)

[ 12 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

14th Nov 2001, 19:29
Personaly it was the uncontrolled heaving of the pavement that used to induce a sharp bout of liquid coughing that bothered me most. The leaves were always a welcome softness taking the edge off the short sharp sudden stop one would otherwise experience on the folding of the left, or right, undercarriage. Simultaneous folding was also experienced. These occasions though often shrouded in mystry themselves however remain uncomfortably clear in the memory banks. The humiliation quite undulled by time.

tony draper
14th Nov 2001, 20:47
Indeed the technicolour belch can dint ones social standing, especialy if it overtakes one in mixed company.
Another strange phenomenon that only afflicts one at the very begining of a drinking career is the black spinning room,
One manages to get out of ones kecks and other unnecessary clothing and navigate onto the bed, then suddenly the room goes into a unrecoverable flat spin acompanied by tunnel vision and LOC.
Usualy this wears off once one has settled into a life of debaunchery, thankfully. ;)

And then we have the biggest mystery of all, where do the carrots come from?, one could live on a desert island, completley devoid of vegetation, and never see a root vegetable for twenty years, but, if the above mentioned event overtakes one ,the ejected material invariably contains small mysterious cubes of carrot???. ;)

[ 14 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

14th Nov 2001, 21:44
I can answer that. It's that funny bile duct thingy. It stores bits and pieces and makes them into carrot and corn shaped bits so have something reasonably solid to hurl. Well, it's the only feasable excuse I can think of. ;)

14th Nov 2001, 22:20
Apparently there is a recovery technique when one encounters the bedspin phenomenom:

Centralise the pillow, and apply full opposite bedpost.

As for the presence of carrot, it is well known that said veg is in fact pan-dimensional and therefore not subject to the normal everyday laws of physics. One could expect carrots to crop (pun intended) up at almost any place/time. Why this should happen during a moment of trauma remains a mystery on a par with mother-in law phone calls.

[ 14 November 2001: Message edited by: Loki ]

15th Nov 2001, 04:16
Centralise the pillow, and apply full opposite bedpost.
The last time I tried that the co-pilot was accidentally ejected. She was not pleased! :eek:

Tricky Woo
15th Nov 2001, 14:09

I'm a bit concerned that your spin-recovery technique could be misinterpreted by some young drinker, just setting out in life, leading to dire consequences.

I agree that one should immediately centralise the pillow, otherwise all further actions are likely to be ineffectual. However, you forgot to mention that it's very important to close one's throttle, otherwise an inopportune fa rt could make recovery impossible.

Next, one must ascertain whether the spin in upright or inverted. If inverted, then turn onto yer back, yer silly sod.

Right, so far so good. One must now think carefully: in which direction is the spin? Left-hand or right-hand? Think carefully, as full opposite bedpost is necessary, and I shudder to think what may happen if one grabs the wrong one.

So, we're all set:

Apply full opposite bedpost, followed by a sharp push on yer joystick. The spin should stop within a turn or two. Then ease back on your joystick, and all will be well. Don't forget to open your throttle again for a celebratory fa rt.

It's sometimes a good idea to make constant adjust yer joystick to ensure that your bed remains straight and level. Unfortunately, due to one being slightly inebriated, there's a danger that one might rub one's PTT switch off.

Watch out for that.

Incidentally, the joystick thing can sometimes be soooo complicated, especially after a few beers, so it's always a good idea to get your girlfriend to help out, if available.

Don't tell your wife.


15th Nov 2001, 23:10
Man, I feel so lucky.
Clearly the above mentioned recovery method is correct, we wouldn't be here to pass it on if it wasn't.
I have come to realise that after careful and extensive analyses that I have an amazing ability. All the rooms I select to spend the night (or morning) happen to be right-hand spinning rooms. Mind you this is not a conscious choice or selection process. Maybe it has been sheer luck or an unlikely statistical event. But maybe I'm gifted and sub-consciously protect myself when just the possibility for this situation presents itself. So as I'm getting more experienced with time, my reaction time and thus the recovery procedure as a whole is indeed improving. Here-in lies of course a danger. The reliance on ones previous experiences might indeed intervene with the ability to determine the spinning direction. (should this become necessary). The reason this doesn't worry me enough to keep me awake is that a more experienced colleague has thought me a method that works for either direction. Only to be used when all else fails. It is to establish ground contact. Take one foot out of the bed and touch the ground. Now, sleeping while using this method is very difficult and the foot gets uncomfortably cold. So for now I will continue to rely on my experience, recover from the inevitable right-hand spin in an expeditious manner and enjoy the rest of the remaining sleep time. I figure one sleepless night when it finally spins left is better than all that worrying about it.

15th Nov 2001, 23:29
Tricky Woo:

Thanks for the correct drill, now I know why I finish up on the deck so often. As for your remarks about the joystick (I prefer the term control column), I would advise fairly smooth movements as anything too exuberant may have undesirable and painful effects.

Am I permitted to carry out a slow roll after succesful recovery, or is that considered a bit too flash?

[ 15 November 2001: Message edited by: Loki ]

tony draper
16th Nov 2001, 00:12
Another strange one is the SMD, or sudden memory dump, this is not the conventional morning after amnesia that afflicts the ale hound, what I describe is much more freightening.
One recals a night in the club when oneself and the rest of the interlectuals had had a great night in our little corner putting right the ills of this sad world.
Someone mentioned time travel, and that was it , Draper rose from his seat ready to astonish them with his erudition, and deliver a lecture on Mr Einsteins Relativity, both general and special.
In the space of lifting ones arse from said bench to being fully upright, not only had Draper forgoten who Einstein was, but could not recal a single movie the chap had starred in.
Very disconcerting. ;)

[ 15 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

17th Nov 2001, 19:37
Your reference to the rainbow belch brings to mind the most unfortunate occurance of quite spectacular projectile yawning which took place shortly after I had lifted said ars* of the bench competely lost the train of though and sadly still had everyones attention.

Luckily the said crowd were all stalwart lads mainly from that crowd of Beleraphon's best of the cherry beret variety and quite used to seeing behaviour of that sort. The landlord a Pole who had been a Spit pilot in the last war although not quite so keen, but was fairly understanding and his good lady Lynn of the George at Thruxton even gave me a bucket and mop to help me clear away the evidence. Strangely no carrots were found at the time, though I felt it had been a waste of about fourteen pints of Best bitter. I do believe I had just become a Cardinal at the time and was very excited and had been preparing to say how humble I felt with the honour bestowed etc etc.

I at the time had also encountered the black whirling hole syndrome and found that my answer to that particular phenommena was to curl up naked round the china telephone. My theory was that it acted as a heat sink and would force my unconcious body to utilise the alcohol within as an energy source therby burning it off and lessening the enevitable morning after agony.

Whether it did or not I was never able to tell however definitely prepared me for some of the more interesting excursions on Dartmoor in similar temperature conditions in little funfilled three day picnics with charming names like Holdfast and suchlike, where a degree of fortitude and stoicism were useful attributes to possess.

Booze however was in short supply at times like these and consequently the memories of lying in a slit trench in three to four inches of black icy slush trying to sleep are very sharp. As I remember no hindrence to sleep either as one tended to be a bit weary at that particular moment.

tony draper
17th Nov 2001, 21:25
NO CARROTS!!,Seek medical help at once Mr P.,
Not sure what that is the symptom of, but it sounds dire.
If medical help is unavailable seek out the services of a priest. :(