View Full Version : The German sense of humour

19th Feb 2004, 23:22

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Onan the Clumsy
19th Feb 2004, 23:29
Took me a while, but that was actually pretty funny.

20th Feb 2004, 00:00
"I say, I say - my dog's got no nose!"
"Your dog's got no nose? How does he smell?"
"He can't - he's got no nose"

"I say, I say - my wife's gone to the West Indies"
"Oh really? Jamaica?"
"No, Barbados"

Onan the Clumsy
20th Feb 2004, 00:18
When is a door not a door?

Well it's always a door. What else could it be?


A man was sprinkling a white powder on the ground in Piccadilly Circus and another man asked him what he was doing.

"I'm sprinkling elephant repelent powder." he said

"but there aren't any elephants in Piccadilly Circus." said the second man.

"Oh, then I'm just wasting my time.".


Vincent Van Gogh walked into a bar. It was because he lived in the flat upstairs and he had some painting to do.


"Take my mother in law."

"Certainly, to the Post Office?".

The Invisible Man
20th Feb 2004, 00:25
Knockwerst, knockwerst

Wie ist der?



Oh well it works in English !

20th Feb 2004, 03:29
wrong Q. when is a door not a door?
A. When it's "ajar" :{

20th Feb 2004, 03:43
A bear walks into a pub and says

"Excuse me, may I .............. have a beer?"

The bartender says "Why the big pause"

(Ok, sounds better when you actually hear it!)

Ascend Charlie
20th Feb 2004, 05:16
A horse walked into a Berlin bar, and the barman said, "Will somebody get this f****g animal out of my bar???"


A German, an Irishman and a Japanese were on a desert island.

They had an awful time, because they couldn't understand a word anybody said.


A German on a desert island found a genie's magic lantern. He rubbed it, and the genie came out.
"What are your three wishes?" asked the genie.
"Wie bitte?" asked the German.
"What are your three wishes?"
"Ich kann nicht verstehen," said the German, and used it to make tea.

20th Feb 2004, 06:02
I once met a funny German.

We were in a business meeting in Cologne and were asking where to go out for the night...

"You should go up zer ring..." (talking about an area of the city)

Guffaws from us Brits, and an initially puzzled look from Niklaus.

We explain why we are laughing, and he bites in a very german way. Continues to explain all the benefits of "going up zer ring" in a very dry and formal manner, but knowing exactly why he had us in stitches.

Just for a moment, I got German humour.

20th Feb 2004, 06:36
"Two Martinis, please!"


"Nein, TWO!"

20th Feb 2004, 07:08
I think I've had too much to drink......I actually found most of those quite funny!!!!!!!! I gotta get out more. Or drink less. Or possibly both!:\

The Invisible Cat
20th Feb 2004, 08:08
Wie sagt man Puddycat auf Deutsch ?
:E :E

20th Feb 2004, 09:51
Dinna know that the Germans had a sense of humour. I thought that was merely an "urban myth" ... :p

20th Feb 2004, 16:10
invisible cat:

try 'miezekatze'

20th Feb 2004, 16:46
The German sense of humour is no laughing matter!