View Full Version : 1 Liners

18th Feb 2004, 23:55
Last night, I heard Will Smith come out with
'Man, I guess I can kiss good bye to heaven, I mean, It has GOT to be a sin to look this good'. :}

Anyone any others, as I intend to use all of whatever is posted on my next big night out.

Onan the Clumsy
19th Feb 2004, 00:01
Maybe only a cardinal sin as his ears sort of stick out a bit.

19th Feb 2004, 00:17
"There goes another butter face"

"What do you mean?"

"Everything about her is fine, but her face":}

And an oldie but a goodie "Yer don't sweat much for a fat lass.":8


Rupert S
19th Feb 2004, 00:19
Ooh one liners to put others down really are my forté. One of my favourites was:

Person-talking-to-me, "...a few germs aren't going to kill you, you do tend to build up an immune system".
Moi: "Yes well being around you will do that to a growing boy".

Your humble narrator was but 11 years old at the time :ok:

19th Feb 2004, 00:35
One of my faves....

You're late!!

You're ugly but I will be on time tomorrow!!

19th Feb 2004, 00:38
Anyone any others, as I intend to use all of whatever is posted on my next big night out.
"Bug*er, never imagined you'd look like that..."


"Must get Danny to insist that prooners upload a photo onto their profile"

19th Feb 2004, 00:53
Groucho Marx:

"Son, whether you get married or stay single you're doing the wrong thing."

"I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member."

Winston Churchill's grandson: "Is it true that you're the greatest man on earth?"

Winston: "Yes. Now ****** off."

19th Feb 2004, 00:57
You: "Well, I have lots of imaginary friends: John, Bill, Mary, You, and some others"

Other "I'm real!"

You " You are!? Oh my god...."

19th Feb 2004, 03:49
A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.

No, but I once trod in some once.
- on being asked if he had ever conducted Stockhausen

Composers and musicians have always starved and, as this is a sentimental country, we think the tradition should be continued.

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

That's absolutely typical of Haydn – he goes to all the trouble of writing a Military Symphony and then omits a side drum – well, we shall have to rectify that.

Most of them sound like they live on seaweed.

Movie music is noise... even more painful than my sciatica.

No operatic star has yet died soon enough for me.

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

Try everything once except folk dancing and incest.

Composers should write tunes that chauffeurs and errand boys can whistle.

In the first movement alone, I took note of six pregnancies and at least four miscarriages.
- on Bruckner's Seventh Symphony

What can you do with it? It's like a lot of yaks jumping about.
- on Beethoven's Seventh Symphony

Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on.
- on an unidentified soprano in Die Walkyrie

Like two skeletons copulating on a corrugated tin roof.
- on the Harpsichord

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it.
- to a lady cellist.

How delightfully singular
- on asking the name of a trumpeter, the reply being "Balls, Sir Thomas"

I have just been all round the world and have formed a very poor opinion of it

We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again.
- to a soloist during a rehearsal

He's like a sort of musical version of Sir Malcolm Sargent
- on a conductor

Sir Thomas Beecham was travelling in a non-smoking compartment on a train belonging to the Great Western Railway. A lady entered the compartment and lit a cigarette, saying, "I'm sure you won't object if I smoke."
"Not at all," replied Beecham, "provided that you don't object if I'm sick."
"I don't think you know who I am," the lady haughtily pointed out. "I'm one of the directors' wives."
"Madam," said Beecham, "if you were the director's only wife, I should still be sick."

19th Feb 2004, 13:23
"Take my wife .... please !! Henny Youngman 1946

19th Feb 2004, 14:10
The orbit of Pluto around the sun does not represent a big enough zero to show how much of a shit I give.

19th Feb 2004, 15:46
The instrument has not yet been devised that can measure the magnitude of my indifference to that remark.

19th Feb 2004, 16:43
"Your round innit?"

19th Feb 2004, 16:52

Colleague - "I'm not important enough to have a work mobile; I don't use business cards either"

Me - "Why not? You could leave them in phone booths."

19th Feb 2004, 18:59
Me- Im sorry, very very sorry

Bird- why

Me- please forgive me, im very sorry

Bird-whats wrong, why!

Me- I cant think of a chat up line


19th Feb 2004, 19:01
Me to drinking buddy: The shores are in.....

Drinking buddy: What shores???

Me: A pint of guiness please.

19th Feb 2004, 19:58
From a Cole Porter song lyric:

"My will is strong, but my won't is weak."

Considering the crowd he ran around with, and his "other life" not much talked about, I'd imagine there were many racier Porter lyrics that were never published.

The above sample was in a Broadway show or movie, IIRC


Flip Flop Flyer
19th Feb 2004, 20:57
Her: Do you play the guitar?

Me: Ehhh ......?

Her: 'Cause I'm wearing a g-string !

Me: What wonderful times we live in!

Jules Meister
20th Feb 2004, 01:16
My favourite put down:

"Do you mind me talking while you interrupt"

20th Feb 2004, 03:55
Victoria Beckham "I can't wait for David to move to Real Madrid, I just love Italy........." :rolleyes: