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The Guvnor
9th Nov 2001, 13:39
This was sent to me by an Aussie mate...

WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one,can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Poms.

Feeton Terrafirma
9th Nov 2001, 14:22
Coupla little details need correcting:

1/ Melboune, whilst it serves Latte, prefers Cappuccino.

2/ Melbourne does have the F1 Gran Prix round Albert Park Lake

3/ Melbourne has a lower rain fall and less wet days than Sydney every year

4/ Sydney has more Kiwis than almost anywhere in New Zealand, and they work as Bondi lifesavers

5/ Tasmania is the closest thing to the UK in the southern hemisphere

6/ South Australia has some of the best reds in the world, better than most of that French frogshit.

And the less said about Canberra the better.


That should do for now ;)

[ 17 November 2001: Message edited by: Feeton Terrafirma ]

criticalmass
9th Nov 2001, 16:37
'kernoath, Feets! :D

The Nr Fairy
9th Nov 2001, 19:57
And in the same vein, how to find yourself in Australia :

A Seven Step Guide For When You've Just Woken Up In The Gutter From A Very Big Night Out and You Don't Know Where You Are...


1. Walk down one of the main streets of the city you happen to be in.

2. Turn left into a side street.

3. Turn left again into an alley. If there is no alley, you are in Hobart, possibly Perth.

4. If drug dealers are milling in the alley, you are probably in Sydney, Brisbane or Adelaide. If you are in Adelaide, buy up - everyone knows Adelaide dope is the best in the country; and let's face it - if you're not stoned in Adelaide, there's not a lot else to do. If the drug dealer stabs you, however, you're in Sydney. If the drug dealers are wearing bikinis, you're in Brisbane.

5. If you find that when you turned down the side alley you ended back up on the street you began on, you are in Canberra.

6. If the alley is filled with arrogant individuals who need surgery to remove their heads from their own butts, you are in Melbourne.

7. If you left the city after turning into a side street, you are in Darwin. Don't worry about looking for the alley, just leave.

OzExpat
9th Nov 2001, 22:39
Q. How do you distinguish one Melbourne suburb from another?
A. By its postcode.

Q. How can you ensure that a Victorian national park will stay clean?
A. Don't publish it in a street directory.

:p

greybeard
10th Nov 2001, 05:31
Just a bit of Cultcha for yous lot

The Great Aussie Love Poem


Of Course I Love Ya Darling
You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say You're Gorgeous
I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side
I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready
There's Somethin' There To Grab

So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More
I Tell Ya, I Don't Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya
I Can Get My Arms Round There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age
Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity
But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now
I Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think It's Very Sexy
That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave
The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good
As I Was Ever Gonna Get

No Matter Wot U Look Like
I'll Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys On
And Get Me Bloody Beer!


See Yous later

:D

BlueDiamond
10th Nov 2001, 06:33
There are only three kinds of people in this world ....

Aussies

Those who would like to be Aussies

And those with no ambition whatsoever.

:D :D :D

Feeton Terrafirma
10th Nov 2001, 17:16
Blue,

Very succinct :D :D :D

Oztralian and proud of it

lame
11th Nov 2001, 02:56
Blue,

Very true...... :D

Feeton,

You posting before me again...... ;)

Best regards,

"lame"

tony draper
11th Nov 2001, 03:44
Whats the score?, Lots of Aussie chest thumping going on on various forums. ;)

Where have they this mettle? Is not their climate foggy, raw and dull?

HugMonster
11th Nov 2001, 04:22
The score, I believe, was 21-15 to England.

Second time in successive encounters that the Aussies have been beaten by the England XV.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

OzExpat
11th Nov 2001, 14:04
Pax... you should never believe anything an Ozmate tells ya - it's more like 15 miles... ;)

sprocket
11th Nov 2001, 14:47
... and I wonder who has passed through it! :D

india_bravo
11th Nov 2001, 21:15
Great at rugby uh 21-15 to England I believe mate !

yaffel1
12th Nov 2001, 15:14
Oh, and just for good measure, Great Britain beat them at league too, 20-12!

If everyone wants to be an Aussie, why do you all come over to London to work in pubs?

Axerock
12th Nov 2001, 17:19
Pap mate.

Generally, when we beat the cr*p out of the poms in sport (often), we love to take the p*ss out of them. To ensure that we can keep doing this, we have to send people over to put the p*ss back in them.

radeng
12th Nov 2001, 17:25
And the p*ss is spelt 'Fosters' or 'Castlemaine' or similar.

Fosters - goes through the human frame and comes out unchanged.

tony draper
12th Nov 2001, 18:24
Its a smashin place for testing Nukes. ;)

yaffel1
12th Nov 2001, 18:48
Be fair, Axerock. If you hadn't put so much effort into making yourselves good at sport, no-one would ever have heard of you! :)

And Mr Draper, I also understand that there were extensive biological tests carried out there, but no-one has yet noticed any changes... ;)

(Edited for typo)

[ 12 November 2001: Message edited by: Papillon ]

Axerock
13th Nov 2001, 13:22
Radeng.

You forgot the next step. Once the Fosters has been filtered - it is then put back in the can for the next victim..... I mean customer(I wonder if that is why a toilet is also known as the "can"). I got sick of renting that stuff - which is why I came to Germany.

Pap.
I am actually a kiwi - but consider myself Aussie (by full frontal lobotomy - or a "fosters" full bottle in front of me - cant remember which) after having lived their for 12 years.

Just think - if we didn't have sport we would have no culture at all .... god - we would be Americans.

At least the Aussies get one thing right. As soon as they get a politician into government, they then start working hard to get them into prison. Would make sense if we could only vote for prisoners - speed up the process.

When it comes to the rugby - I only ever support two teams. New Zealand and whoever is playing Australia.

Mind you - the way the Blacks have been playing lately, they now do a victory lap if they win the coin toss.

Reminds me (while I am still rambling).

What is the difference between an arsonist and the Australia Rugby team.

An arsonist would not have lost his last match.

[ 13 November 2001: Message edited by: Axerock ]

Tamara
14th Nov 2001, 10:09
Ozzies are great.even if they cant play rugby...
Well, ok, one Ozzie in particular.....

Melanie Terrafirma (Oztralian by marriage)
Hi feetie....... :D :D ;)

tony draper
15th Nov 2001, 14:23
Just been a snippet on breakfast news about making of that program Walking With Beasts,
A couple of the programs are devoted to the evolution of the human species and primitive man.
The backdrops where all filmed in Australia and local people were used.

Hmmm, Must have saved them a fortune in makeup, and they didn't need all those computer graphics. ;) ;)

[ 15 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Tricky Woo
15th Nov 2001, 15:26
I'm just relieved that Australia is big enough to store all of Europe's surplus rabbits. Thanks, Aussies, we could have been up to our ears in the furry bug gers without your timely help.

TW

Paul Alfred
15th Nov 2001, 16:03
I'm a Snowtown boy...(approx 160kms north of Adelaide)
I was raised on a farm 4kms out of the town but often played with some mates who lived in the house where the 'vault' is. This once unknown town of 400 people, produces some of the best wheat, barley, peas and canola in the world!! It has a great pub, school, football oval and people - then some ****heads decided to preserve some poor soles in pickle to be later eaten to hide the evidence and the town is dragged through the ****in mud for the rest of my life.
**** me that pisses me off - why my humble home??????

1.3VStall
15th Nov 2001, 16:25
What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?

Yoghurt is a living culture!

Axerock
15th Nov 2001, 16:26
Geez Trickster

We didn't get all the rabbits. Only 24 were imported so that some prat (who couldn't shoot straight) would have a chance to do some hunting. They just bred out of control.

I wonder if the same happened in America and the Indians were going to treat the pilgrims in the same way.

I have a feeling it was only the sportsmanship of the Indians (never hit below the belt) and the pilgrim habit of wearing the bloody belt on top of the hat that let them bred to the level they are now.

tony draper
15th Nov 2001, 16:48
Its sad when your hometown becomes the butt of jokes and a source of humour Mr Big Foot,think what its like for someone who hails from Hartlepool. ;)

Tricky Woo
15th Nov 2001, 17:12
Hi Big Foot,

Sorry to hear Snowtown has become the butt of nasty jokes, by insensitive people.

However, what with all that wheat and barley in one place, it was only a matter of time before a cereal killer went on the rampage.

Sorry.

TW

Tricky Woo
15th Nov 2001, 17:33
Axerock,

You have been misled by both the Oz Government, and Her Majesty's Government, as to the true history of the rabbit problem in Australia.

As you know, the Victorians were a wee bit on the prude side. One hears stories of blushing ladies putting cloth round 'suggestive' chair legs. Quite true, by the way.

Well, the Victorians had another problem: what to do with all those fornicating rabbits that were making well-bred ladies faint with horror whilst out horse-riding?

Well, someone cooked up a plan to transport the hornier ones to Australia; tens of thousands of 'em, all told. The less horny rabbits were allowed to stay, but only if they behaved themselves; hence little or no bunny problem back in Blighty. We've got our eye on them, and they know it.

Fluffy little b*st*rds.

Anyway: There are horror stories as to the conditions within these 'transportation ships', and also the working conditions that the poor rabbits suffered upon arrival. All true, I'm afraid. The horny little f**kers deserved what was coming to them, mind.

After a few decades slaving in Australian salt-mines, a few of the bunnies finally escaped, or in a few cases were paroled. Off they scampered into the outback, never pausing for one moment, apart from the odd sh*g every hundred metres or so. Funny that, modern Aussie rabbits can sh*g on the run, which is a good trick for an animal with a price on its head.

Certain uninformed people like to draw parallels between the sad history of the Australian rabbit, and the superficially similar history of the Australian male.

Whilst there are indeed some similarities, when it comes to sex, everyone knows that Aussie blokes can't f**k for toffee, in spite of the fact that Aussie girls f**k like bunnies.

Hope this helps,

TW

Axerock
15th Nov 2001, 19:11
Hi Trickster.
What do you mean? Are you implying that some politicians might have misled me or worse ... told an untruth. I am shocked.

Also what do you mean "suggestive chair legs". Where they all suggestive or just the ones where the stuffing was hanging down from the seat. What is the difference between suggestive and non suggestive? I must admit that I have never really looked at chair legs (I mean "lower limbs") in that light....until now. Hmmmmm interesting. I think I will collect some and try them out in the privacy of my own home. Chairs only though - not stools (last thing I want is to be caught playing with stool samples)

The naughty rabbits - did they have to catch them in the "act". Was it only the fellonious fornicating furry animals? What if they were just holding hands or just kissing. Hmmmm - I am now starting to see rabbits in a new light now!

About Oz men. Yes its true. Somehow the word got around it took WORK to be a good lover. WORK!!! Thats the last thing that a real bloke would consider on his day off.

[ 15 November 2001: Message edited by: Axerock ]

Edited to get the "drool" from the posting - however found out it is actually on my screen.

[ 15 November 2001: Message edited by: Axerock ]

Paul Alfred
17th Nov 2001, 14:17
Tricky Woo..

That was very original..!!

cheers.

Feeton Terrafirma
17th Nov 2001, 15:35
hmmm Tricky who?

sprocket
18th Nov 2001, 06:17
OOoooooh no you don't. Just saw this 'precious thread sliding to the bottom of the page! Now, where was I.....

Oh yes, Kangaroos 40 - 12. :D :p :D

henry crun
18th Nov 2001, 10:43
Now, where were you ?

Oh yes, France 14 Australia 13 :D :D

[ 18 November 2001: Message edited by: henry crun ]

HugMonster
18th Nov 2001, 16:08
Yep - the whole world is lining up to beat Oz at the moment - when do they play Romania? :D

HugMonster
18th Nov 2001, 18:52
PS I'd advise Kiwis not to bother applying for a job with Hamrah's outfit for a coupla weeks... :D

yaffel1
19th Nov 2001, 16:31
Hugmonster,

Not Romania, but they do play Wales next week...!

Now that WOULD be funny.

The Nr Fairy
19th Nov 2001, 17:21
TW

I have heard that unlike their blokes, there are some Aussie girls who f**k for toffee . . .

[ 19 November 2001: Message edited by: The Nr Fairy ]

HugMonster
19th Nov 2001, 18:28
Dubya? You listening to this? 'Cos don't! :D

con-pilot
19th Nov 2001, 23:06
Ok, the best compliment I have heard for any people of any country was in a newspaper column in “USA Today” (the only ‘national’ newspaper in the U.S.) by Craig Wilson.

He was writing about a trip to Afghanistan many years before the Taliban.

(I’m going to paraphrase this because I don’t remember the article's exact wording.)

“I meet up with a group of Aussies as we left for the Middle East. I learned that it always best to travel with guys from Australia. BECAUSE THEY CAN ALWAYS FIND A BAR, EVEN IN COUTRIES THAT DON’T HAVE ANY!”

What else needs to be said. God bless Aussies!


:D :D :D

(bAcause, jeez, give me a break, big fingers small keyboard. Sorry.)

[ 20 November 2001: Message edited by: con-pilot ]

sprocket
20th Nov 2001, 00:47
:D I think the Poms deserve regognition for their humour though.
Hale and Pace are touring through our sunburnt country at present. The ad for their show states, The Funniest Team To Leave England Since The Test Cricketers
:D :D

redsnail
21st Nov 2001, 18:22
Nah, Oz blokes shag for beer. Toffee is for kids.
And, they aren't bad at shagging either. :D

TrafficTraffic
21st Nov 2001, 18:47
I'm just wondering...if someone can tell me 1 thing that the poms have done for us?

Apart from taking

Rolf Harris
Sylvania Waters
Prickly Heat
Fosters
etc...


Sure they gave us a laugh with their Cricket team....but what have the Poms ever done for us???

tony draper
21st Nov 2001, 18:48
As many a wooly Aussy quadraped will verify, Redsnail. ;)

[ 21 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

yaffel1
21st Nov 2001, 19:36
I vaguely recall that we created modern Australia, but hell, everyone makes mistakes.

daytrader
21st Nov 2001, 20:01
Hardly Draper thats Kiwis.

BTW, please stop sending all those fat ugly snow white english trollops that cant wait to get their saggy tits out at the beach all summer even tho they cant swim. ;)

Mishandled
21st Nov 2001, 21:39
Unfortunately for us we showed you Ozzies how to play cricket, and then promptly forgot how to play ourselves! Now rugby is a different matter of course, and beer, and women. All those birds from Oz/NZ get the Heathrow injection upon arrival that makes their @rse swell up to gargantuan proortions. Give me an English rose anyday. :D

tony draper
21st Nov 2001, 22:03
You could concider sending Billy Connely back to us, we need cheering up more than you lot. ;)