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dbracken
17th Feb 2004, 18:34
Who do you fly with?

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and
correct the problem, and then respond in

writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and
the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

angels
17th Feb 2004, 18:44
3-2-1......gone.

Rhodie
17th Feb 2004, 18:49
Agreed Angels

Thing's been around for years, but there's always someone who hasn't heard it, I s'pose..

Always wondered tho' the "Qantas" version (as opposed to the other one, usually military), when IFF (Identify Friend or Foe) and Target (aquisition) Radar was fitted to civilian airliners...???

:E

Jerricho
17th Feb 2004, 19:05
As this is so destined for Jet Blast...........I feel it's fair game!

Did you hear about the Irish 747 on a flight across the pond who had a major engine malfunction in No. 1 engine and had to shut it down.
"Ladies and Gentlemen" came the announcement "unfortunately we have had to shut one engine down. Due to the slight loss of power, we're going to be a little behind schedule"

1 hour later, No 2 engine suffers a massive surge and has to be shut down.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, unfortunately we have had to shut down another engine. While this may be alarming, it is pefectly safe to continue, but we are going to be significantly late in our arrival"

1 hour later, No 3 engine begins to shudder, surges and had to be shut down.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, unfortunately we have had to shut down our 3rd engine. Now, it is possible for us to continue on one engine, but as you can understand, we are going to be quite a few hours late in our arrival"

The captain turns to the F/O and says "Christ, we are so behind time. Hope we don't lose No. 4, or we're going to be up here all day!"

(BTW, it's spelt QANTAS....................)

Mr Chips
17th Feb 2004, 19:30
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident

Didn't they have a 747 end up on a golf course? If that wasn't an accident - was it deliberate?????

:p

Parapunter
17th Feb 2004, 19:44
I believe QANTAS have never had a fatal accident. This is sometimes attributed to the lack of a discernible class system Dunnunda - the FO is far more likely to tell the PF he's behaving like a flaming Gala, than is the case in stiff upper lipped Blightyairways. Dunno if it's true, but I have read it a few times.

If you read the accounts of the Wraysbury Trident crash in the sixties, you can see a classic case of an intimidated junior crew member who could see that the Captain had done something stupid, but felt he could not act, even when it became clear the aircraft was in jeopardy.

Jerricho
17th Feb 2004, 19:54
If that wasn't an accident - was it deliberate?????

Of course it was. It was a new one off product strategy by QANTAS

"We'll get you to the airport, then to the golf club, on time!"

BlueEagle
17th Feb 2004, 20:40
Is the Wraysbury Trident incident you refer to the aircraft 'PI' crash, often called the Staines crash?

Having read the report of the 'PI' crash it was my understanding that the Captain made the correct call and the co-pilot reacted incorrectly.

Regarding QANTAS it would be a very brave SO or FO that was blatantly blunt to the point of being rude to the captain. I think you are wrong in your comparison, any QANTAS pilot care to comment!?

greatorex
17th Feb 2004, 20:41
the FO is far more likely to tell the PF he's behaving like a flaming Gala, than is the case in stiff upper lipped Blightyairways Excellent comment PP - made me chuckle no end :ok: :D :ok: :D Don't know if it's true but, funny nonetheless. . . . .

G

Parapunter
17th Feb 2004, 22:34
Well B.E, as I said, I can't vouch for that, it is after all something I've read a few times, as a cultural observation. I agree that it's prolly not a great idea to have a go at the boss on regular basis, but I think the idea that was conveyed in the books I've read is that Aussie folk are less likely to separate themselves in class terms from each other & thus in a manager/subordinate relationship on the flight deck, this can translate into a CRM benefit. Like I say, can't know for sure whether or not it's true.

Yes, the Staines crash is the one I had in mind. The account I have talks of a strike amongst FO's at the time & the captain concerned being very upset at this & really being very hot tempered on the flight out (apparently he'd argued with some of the FO union guys in the crew room prior to the flight) he was very senior & the FO very junior, so when in the climb, he retracted all the high lift devices & the stick shaker operated, the FO (having already been told off once) didn't voice his concern with any real authoriy, although presumably he did say something since we have the story & therefore by implication the voice recording.

I'm quite happy to be corrected on that, but it's how I remember it.

Lon More
18th Feb 2004, 01:07
Captain's name was Key; grafitti on the flight deck referred to "Keyline management" He was presumed to have had a heart attack just after take off and the very junior FO and the fresh out of Hamble SO did not dare to interfere with his actions

Lead to a major rethink on rostering (it was possible to roster a complete crew with minimal experience in function at that time) and the introduction of CRM

On a lighter note, an old mate told me about the BA FO on a 747 sim who, when confronted with a similar situation, turned to the FE and said, "Help me get that dead bastard out of MY seat."

Needless to say, after a suitable briefing the excercise was repeated

PPRuNe Radar
18th Feb 2004, 01:59
QANTAS CRM ain't perfect either ;)

VH-OJH Accident Report (http://www.atsb.gov.au/aviation/acci/ojh/vh-ojh.pdf)

But still a great record in world safety terms :ok:

Jerricho
18th Feb 2004, 02:04
Does anybody know if they got charged landing fees, or green fees?

Coconuts
18th Feb 2004, 03:31
Didn't they have a 747 end up on a golf course?
Maybe it was Kaptin M trying to make his appointment at the nineteenth watering hole :E

Coco

Desert Dingo
18th Feb 2004, 08:27
Put up your hand all of you who believe Qantas has never had a passenger fatality. OK. Put your hands down now. You are all WRONG!

Qantas have been littering the countryside with wrecked aircraft and dead passengers for a long time.

A search through www.planecrashinfo.com reveals the following info about Qantas' fatalities:

de Havilland DH-9C G-AUED 24 Mar 1927 - 3 died
de Havilland DH-86 VH-USG 15 Nov 1934 - 4 died
de Havilland DH-86 VH-USE 20 Feb 1942 - 9 died
Short S-23 (flying boat) VH-ADU 22 Apr 1943 - 13 died
Lockheed 18 Lodestar VH-CAB 26 Nov 1943 - 15 died
Short S-23 (flying boat) VH-ABB 11 Oct 1944 - 1 died
Lancastrian VH-EAS 07 April 1949 - 0 died
de Havilland Drover II VH-EBQ 16 Jul 1951 - 7 died
Lockheed L1049 VH-EAC 24 August 1960 - 0 died
Boeing B747 VH-OJH 22 September 1999 - 0 died

Also, there is an article about the L1049 crash at Mauritius at http://www.casa.gov.au/avreg/fsa/do...0jan/page49.pdf where it mentions that on 23 March 1946 a Lancastrian G-AGLX operated by Qantas with 5 crew and 5 passengers went missing on a flight between Colombo and Cocos Is. and no trace of it was ever found.

I must admit to once believing that Qantas had a perfect safety record. This shows the power of selecting only the statistics you want. I think Qantas start counting from 1952 onwards. A bit like the White Star Line ruling a line just after the Titanic and counting from there. Qantas do have a good record, but it is not as perfect as some people would have you believe.

compressor stall
19th Feb 2004, 23:53
Nice summary DD.

Think there was also a name change around then - becoming QANTAS Airways Limited from some previous incarnation, still using the QANTAS word though.

CS

p.s. have you got any info on pipalyatjarra? Got a query the other day which subsequently got cx. Started looking long enough to know we had no info on it, then got sidetracked.

BUMPFF
20th Feb 2004, 03:39
Parapunter: A gala is a sort of festival-cum-PU - a social occasion with special entertainments or performances, dancing and general carousing and that. Galah, or cacatua rosicapilla, a type of cockatoo, is what you meant.
--------------------------------------
Me? Pedantic?

Parapunter
20th Feb 2004, 16:54
Ta Bumpf. Last time I was called it, I didn't hang about to check the spelling:}

Trident Sim
20th Feb 2004, 21:58
Parapunter and Lon More

Do us all a favour and read the accident report about the Trident crash at Staines before pontificating about the causes.

It might stop you both spouting such [email protected] in future.