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View Full Version : Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.


Catt
17th Feb 2004, 16:12
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

whiz
17th Feb 2004, 16:14
If you are dyslexic press 6969696969696969 :rolleyes:

Jerricho
17th Feb 2004, 16:20
Or is it 9696969696969696?

whiz
17th Feb 2004, 16:30
bunno .. I fogret ;)

Jerricho
17th Feb 2004, 16:33
What was the question again?

Ozzy
17th Feb 2004, 19:53
So you loathe your MIL, tell me again why you carry this feeling for her....:uhoh:

Ozzy

Jerricho
17th Feb 2004, 20:09
So this has turned into a therapy session. Nice one. You've got to be cheaper than the guy I go to at the moment.

I'll get comfortable on the couch.

It all started the day I saw her trying to barter over the price of a book in a charity shop................ :*

Ozzy
17th Feb 2004, 20:42
Cheaper and more effective:ok:

Was the book important to you? Was the charity? What were yer feelings at this time?

Ozzy

Jerricho
17th Feb 2004, 20:51
It was more the fact it was a charity shop (cancer research), the book wasn't anything special (but was a hardback) and was being sold for 3, and the miserable cow was trying to talk them into giving it to her for a pound. It's a freakin' charity for crying out loud. That's just typical of her attitude.

Actually, I'm enjoing this.......many, many thanks Ozzy.

Ozzy
17th Feb 2004, 21:01
Well, I think it is time to start fecking with the MIL's mind. Tell her people from the cancer shop came round looking for the book. Apparently it had not been decontaminated before being sold.:E A few days later start to ask her every so often if she is feeling well as she looks pale. Start piling it on a couple of days after that, and ask if she is on a new diet because she looks like she is losing weight...:E :ok: :E I assume the underlying current of tension normal in your relationship being replaced with this concern will get her really worried...maybe she'll turn over a new leaf. Mental torture, get yer own back....:ok:

Ozzy

Jerricho
17th Feb 2004, 21:16
Dude.........excellent idea!!!


Right, how much do I owe you?

Ozzy
17th Feb 2004, 21:25
A picture of the MIL holding up a dorky sign like those 419 scammers that have been fooled. "I Suck", or "MIL 666" I reckon she won't get the last one and you could pass it off as the vanity plate you are planning on buying:E

Otherwise a flaggon of Abbot Ale would suffice :)

Ozzy

Jerricho
17th Feb 2004, 21:29
Right then........I'm on it.

While we're at it, I've got this brother known as Plazbot............ :E

Anthony Carn
17th Feb 2004, 23:46
Is it true that a few years back they opened a helpline for shy people..........

........but nobody's used it yet ? :rolleyes:

Catt
18th Feb 2004, 01:59
*sniff*

Brings a tear to my eye to see my humble post helping people in such a way. Ahhh, the good of human nature...
:)

Techchick
18th Feb 2004, 02:14
Jerricho,

Tell me, are you lately humbled in the act of love?:E :E :E

Jerricho
18th Feb 2004, 02:39
*Looks around*

Who, me?

Techy, I would love to answer that if I knew what the hell it meant. :confused: ;)

Techchick
18th Feb 2004, 03:12
Sorry, Jerricho, just a silly line from a favourite film.....

Jerrichos MIL
18th Feb 2004, 03:22
Miss Technique; that man would not recognise love if it rained down on him from heaven above. :rolleyes:
And never watches a movie more taxing than "Hot Virgins on a cold Alp".

I wish it weren't so........................ :{

The Invisible Man
18th Feb 2004, 03:35
The next part of the question is..... ( From Shakespeare in Love )

"How long has it been?"


Your reply is....A goodly length in times past but lately.....no no.

Deciphered it means ..... you had a bonk recently??

Reply............................ Been a bit scarce but had one last week.

:ok:

Techchick
18th Feb 2004, 04:07
Aaaaaaah Invisible man, you sussed me!!:ok:

The Invisible Man
18th Feb 2004, 04:17
Will you be my

Viola de Lesseps ???

We could act the play out on our own Shakespeare Thread !!!:D

Jerrichos MIL
18th Feb 2004, 05:05
Of course he was nice to me at first .... just till he got his wicked way with my lovely daughter.

I've blotted his face out to spare all the sensitive souls on this Bulletin Board. He really isn't a pretty sight !!

Jerricho and myself in Happy Times (http://www.jetblasters.com/albums/album15/MIL.jpg)