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View Full Version : Goodnight from me & it's goodnight from him.


maninblack
16th Feb 2004, 20:11
The BBC have commissioned a new series by The Two Ronnies.

Yippeeee!

The return of some of the finest wordplay in TV history.

timmcat
16th Feb 2004, 20:13
..like the classic 'four candles' sketch...

maninblack
16th Feb 2004, 20:14
No, four candles.....handles for forks!

Any advance on billhooks?

DishMan
16th Feb 2004, 20:35
Sorry - couldn't resist.
Been almost crying reading this..... :ok:

In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.
CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

VFE
16th Feb 2004, 20:40
Fair play to 'em! Apparently they shall be interspersing the new material in with old footage. I reckon they should go the whole hog and bring back Eric Sykes! Now him I do like....... :}

VFE.

Parapunter
16th Feb 2004, 21:02
Ah you couldn't beat the two ronnies. Wonder if they'll dig up Barbara Dickson - she used to be on every week it seemed.

Good evening, I'm the chairman of the Pi**pronunciation society

tinpis
17th Feb 2004, 09:40
Bit dated innit? Sorry found the shows dreary..specially the little bloke..

pigboat
17th Feb 2004, 09:56
The good news is, Mr. Pompidou. The bad news is, Mrs. Pompidon't.
Gawd, I thought that was hysterical. :D :cool:

Ascend Charlie
17th Feb 2004, 10:01
I will be the scapegoat for all the Non-Poms present:

I understood and laughed at all of the parts of the joke, except Billhooks.

No matter how I Pom-Pronounce it, I can't make anything funny out of it. Is it meant to be "B0ll0cks", a peculiarly local joke? Or is it summat else?

Please explain for a colonial with a Spoach Impodiment, who has trouble with his worms.:ugh:

tony draper
17th Feb 2004, 10:11
A Billhook is a curved razor sharp blade on a short wooden handle, twas very usefull for disemboweling Scotsmen in times past.
A bollock is what Hitler had only one of.
:rolleyes:

etrang
17th Feb 2004, 11:38
And where is the joke?

witchdoctor
17th Feb 2004, 17:28
And now for the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town......................tttthhhhhhhhhppppttttttttt!!!!:p