View Full Version : Adultery Advice

compressor stall
5th Nov 2001, 12:51
Just came across this advice which was intended to be completely serious too! (My highlighting)

SOME DO'S AND DON'TS (Of Adultery)

Don't become a friend of the family. Avoid the temptation to get everybody together. Introducing husbands and wives to lovers. This is not adultery, this is sick.

Don't indulge in true confessions. Honest is OK. But don't tell your lover all the gory details of past love affairs. Life before them didn't exist anyway. Will they believe that? Yes. *smiles*

Don't flirt with sudden death by insisting your lover take you to a restaurant that is frequented by your husband or wife and all their best friends, even if it is your favourite restaurant.

Do if you feel the magic going out of your extramarital affair invent a fantasy life. However it probably would have been good to at least try this with your wife or husband prior to having an affair.

Don't get involved with your best friend's husband/wife. It has been proved beyond any doubt friendship outlives romance. If you drop him/her you won't be able to remain friends with your best friend as he/her won't want you around. If he /she drop you, you'll have to go on smiling through your tears of rage. Either way it doesn't work.

Do make complimentary remarks, contrary to popular belief, flattery is the sincerest form of flattery. Women: make personal remarks about his appearance (men love it) Men: flatter selectively. Tell the smart ones they are pretty, the pretty ones they are smart. You can't go wrong.

Don't call home in the presence of your lover. The sound of your domestic - the married voice - will have an effect. Keep things separate.

Don't imitate your rival. He or she has one of those.

Don't be hostile to your lover's partner. No matter what your lover says about them you never criticize. It is not enough to not express hostility, you ideally shouldn't feel it either.

Don't EVER complain about your own spouse. This shows a lack of character after all it was your choice.

Don't try and make your lover jealous. Most people are insecure anyway...why make them more insecure.

Do on the other hand remember to give little snarls of jealousy occasionally about the platonic friend your lover goes to the movies with. Too much jealousy is a disaster, none at all is an insult.

Don't play games socially with her husband. If you do, don't win.

Don't start wishing they could stay over for dinner or sleep over. Maybe the husband or wife waiting at home would miss them if they did.

Do put her picture on your dressing table. It will make her nervous, but she will like it. Don't do this if you share your dressing table with your wife. She won't understand and definitely won't like it.

Don't make funny phone calls, "Hello this is the Acme Garage can I speak to ...." Her husband or his wife will of course question. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Don't have an affair with your boss. Not unless you don't like your job and you have another lined up. However his Boss is a possibility.

Do shower using the same soap you use at home. Bring it with you. Women can smell a new fragrance at 500 metres.

Don't have love bites, scratches, bruises, haircuts or shaved pubes you can't explain away fully.

Don't start wearing clothes that are totally out of character. Older men in hipster jeans with low crotches. Older women in short elastic dresses that ride up.

Don't call the wrong name when you cum with your wife/husband.

Don't get events or times mixed up and start asking your wife/husband just what was that meal we had again the other night at the Restaurant?

Don't ever say to the wife/husband "We have been here before haven't we?" unless you have.

Don't use your Eftpos card in strange places. Remember the bank statements now read like a Gregory's Street Directory.

Don't pay by credit card for the same reasons.

Don't forget the mobile phone records are just as deadly.

Do stop the car miles from home and take the time to inspect the ashtrays, glove compartment, floors, especially under seats for anything that give the game away. If they ever say has anyone been in the car. Always answer "Yes" because the next question if you don't will be: "Hmmm why has this cigarette butt got lipstick on the tip" OR "There is an opened condom wrapper under the seat"

Do buy flowers and chocolates for both. Women love flowers and chocolates. Make it part of the norm and not out of the ordinary.

Women seeking an affair ALWAYS fly first class. It is the home of prosperous and sometimes important men usually without their wives. A convivial atmosphere, where the booze flows freely and where you as a woman will be immediately labeled as very rich or an important business executive, neither of which will ever do you harm. Then there is the old standby "I'm just terrified during takeoff. Would you hold my hand?" On the other hand tourist class is filled with honeymoon couples, nuns, mommies and daddies with kids who yell a lot and get sick, and 21 year old sailors clutching pictures of their girlfriends.

Men seeking an affair make her smile, better still make her laugh. There probably aren't many laughs to be had at home.

SO there you have it :eek:

Mount'in Man
5th Nov 2001, 17:40
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

5th Nov 2001, 19:05
Ya got me on that one Stallie! I took one look at the thread title and you as the originator and began to think ... what has he done ... now that Miss Champagne isn't in CNS any more? :D

7th Nov 2001, 20:30
CS, remember that amazing two or three part guide to seduction you wrote some time back? If you've still got it, how about giving it another airing?