View Full Version : Who am I to rub up against tradition?

13th Feb 2004, 19:09
...So in time honoured fashion, here's a Friday joke.

Two old girls out on the razzle & walking home in the dead of night, they both need a pee, but of course there's nowhere to go.

So, being resourceful, they hop over the wall in to the local graveyard. When they're done, the first one realises of course, there's no loo roll, so she says to her mate:

-Tell you what, I'm just going to use these old knickers & leave em here. So, she does.

Her mate, not so bold says: - I'm wearing my best drawers, I don't wanna do that...tell you what, I'll use the ribbon off that wreath over there.

All done, they stagger off home. The next morning, one of the husbands phones the other & says to his mate: I think we're gonna have to keep an eye on these girls, my missus came home last night with no drawers on.

His mate says: That's nothing, mine fell in at 3 in the morning with a card sticking out of her draws with "Thanks from all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you!!"

Yuk yuk:}

13th Feb 2004, 19:28
I'm so sorry.........

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.

"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

:p :O :E

13th Feb 2004, 20:36
The funeral procession:

A man was leaving his house one morning when he noticed a most unusual
procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second coffin some distance behind the
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a large black dog.

Behind the man was a queue of about 100 men walking in single file.
The man simply couldn't contain his curiosity, and he respectfully
the man walking the dog:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in
single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also."!

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

Then the first man asked in a hushed voice, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied: "Join the queue"

13th Feb 2004, 21:33
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but, we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks; and the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunty Karen after she's been drinking."


Paddy, the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer **** sake, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

:\ :} :E


13th Feb 2004, 22:03
An Easy Guide to Political Ideologies...using 2 cows.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows sue you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government does not do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of Non-specified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk.

Happy Friday :ok:

White Bear
13th Feb 2004, 23:06
We have all seen drawings of cave men dragging thier women along behind them by their hair.
Ever wondered why?
It's because if you drag them the other way round, they fill up with sand!