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Smedley
12th Feb 2004, 00:00
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new
'Drive-through' teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers
using this new facility are requested to use the below
outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE
& FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of
careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for
your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car
window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger
seat to locate card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine duet
to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way up.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside back page
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Place
receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check make-up again. 19. Drive forward
2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty
handbag, locate cardholder, and place
card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate
male driver queuing behind.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release Parking Brake.

airship
12th Feb 2004, 00:06
How impudent to 'tell tales' concerning the better half of humanity! ;)

Ozzy
12th Feb 2004, 00:20
I agree with airship completely, please remove the Male Procedures from the posting:E

Ozzy

Wholigan
12th Feb 2004, 04:31
I made the GREAT mistake of sending the above to a friend of mine!!!

SHE returned the following - with the message title "touché"

Classes for men at our local Learning Centre for Adults - Sign-up by August 30th

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY : LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
Online classes and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

TOPIC 14 - CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so that they can be easily found.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.


BUMPERS STICKERS FOR LADIES --

BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE , KIDS AND A CAREER

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF OESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

reynoldsno1
12th Feb 2004, 08:48
Mrs r1 thinks I should lose a few pounds (in weight that is). Among my strategies for achieving this is a reduction of portion size when she cooks her excellent Thai dishes, particularly with the rice....


... I am now being accused of "going off" her cooking, and "waht's wrong with it" and "why don't you want any more?"

....sigh

eal401
12th Feb 2004, 16:52
I'll sign up for topics 7, 12 and 14!! :(