View Full Version : dead leaves and ground level

tony draper
1st Nov 2001, 15:46
Draper had a strange thought while being dragged around the park this morning by small hound.
We have had a warm Autumn,and the last couple of days have been windy so all the leaves appear to have fallen simultaniously,there must be thousands of tons of dead leaves lying about.
The other thing Draper has noticed, is that over the centuries ground level rises, look at a old photograph then look at one taken a century later and you invariably find the ground level has risen.
Presumably if one fell asleep standing up in the middle of a field for a couple of millenium, when one awoke only ones head would appear above ground.
Now then, Draper has figured that this is due to dead leaves, they rot down and form new topsoil, that gradualy builds up the ground level. some soil might blow in from them hot dusty places where foreigners live but mostly its dead leaves.
Hold on a minute, tree's, vegetation, cabbages and such derrive their nutrients and minerals that make up their bulk from the soil, so what they take up is returned so to speak,but,they also grow perminent structures such as tree trunks,and we humans carry away and devour said cabbages so the sum total of stuff returned must be less,ground level should be falling.
This is strange, and before some smart arse Geologist post stuff about Isostatic Equlibrium explaining ground level rise Draper knows all about that.
Hmmm its a puzzling world and Draper is cursed with curiosity, anyway small hound contributed in his own way to ground level rise ;)

1st Nov 2001, 16:14

Looks like our Mother Earth is slowly growing...

Then we will have a huge Mother Earth in a few million years...

Watch out, Space Invaders!!!

Tricky Woo
1st Nov 2001, 18:24
Herr Draper,

This must be great news for the residents of the coral atoll Tavula. They've been begging the Aussies and Kiwis for some sort of citizenship for yonks now, 'cos they reckon that their islander days are numbered.

Here's their logic: The average height of their sandy atoll is about six feet. Global warming is melting the ice-caps, thus raising the average Pacific sea level by about an inch and a half per year. A quick calculation using Tricky's ten finger abacus reveals that by this theory they'll have to tread water in forty eight years.

Er... only there's been a recent scientific survey that proves that the rise in the average sea level of the Pacific has (er) actually slowed in the last 100 years. It may even have stopped entirely, and be receding.

Funny that.

If they add the usual gradual land rise due to leaves, dog poo, coca cola cans and banana skins, the Tavulans'll be getting nose bleeds due to altitude sickness by the end of the decade.

Explains the Alps, huh? Probably all those Fanta cans...


tony draper
1st Nov 2001, 18:37
Oddly enough, the land around Draper towers is constantly rising due to the afore mentioned Isostaic Equlibrium.
Those bloody Scanderweigians sent over a ice sheet that stood almost a mile thick where Drapers estates now sit,all that weight squished the land down, now that most of it has melted the land is unsquishing,ergo the land is rising.
Draper will set his conciderable interllect at this Pacific island problem and come up with a suitable rescue scheme, hmm perhaps the coral can be encouraged to grow a little quicker,.
Those bloody Frenchmen don't help, vaporising cubic miles of that coral at a time.
At least we Englishmen used that big island we own down there, to test our deterent against the French.

[ 01 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

gravity victim
1st Nov 2001, 19:57
The answer is staring us in the face. Send Draper's incontinent dog to Tavula, and put it on a suitable diet. If its efforts save the island, it will probably have a statue put up to it, and Draper will get a free holiday to attend the ceremony.

Ali Barber
1st Nov 2001, 20:40
Does Tavula have trees?.......or dogs? Methinks I've found their solution!

Tricky Woo
1st Nov 2001, 20:52
The Japanese fell foul of this isostatic equilibrium thingy when they built their nice new Kansai airport on a huge man-made island in Osaka Bay.

According to their original calculations, they needed about a zillion tonnes (metric) of land-fill (bay fill?) to build an island big enough for the airport, hotels, carparks, whatever.

Some civil engineer was scratching his head wondering as to where they should get all this rock and gravel. He spotted a couple of local mountains and in typical Japanese style thought "Why not? Nobody is actually standing on them at the moment". So while no one was looking, they put up a few 'No Hiking' signs, and then nicked 'em.

A bit cheeky, that, but they got away with it.

After said mountains had been reduced to flat stumps, the civil engineer measured the height of his nice, new, flat island... and realised it was a few metres lower than planned. "Gosh", quoth he, "but I've been undone by the isostatic equilibrium acting upon the sea-floor of Osaka Bay". (Trans. The f**king sea-floor has sunk from the weight of the new island).

Not the sort of chap that lets an obstacle get in his way, him and his mates immediately nicked yet another mountain from under the feet of the local bird-watching club. Problem solved: they built their airport. Champagne and smiles alround.

Er... only last time I heard, Kansai airport has just sunk another half metre or so in the last three years. Airbus should take note and design a seaplane version of their big new A380.


1st Nov 2001, 22:08

Most of the plant material comes from photosynthesis - water from the ground and carbon dioxide from the air. So the bulk isn't made up from material taken from the soil - that just provides nutrients and minerals.

Amazing to think when you look up at a tree that it's formed just from rainfall and gas, but that's how it works.

2nd Nov 2001, 00:24
My studies show that my legs almost always stop when they reach the ground. Therefore, if the ground rises or falls, my legs seem to be able to compensate. Climbing the stairs in the dark whilst inebriated remains a problem.

tony draper
2nd Nov 2001, 00:38
Thats true Mr G all of us whether plant or animal owe our existance to the Sun, never understood why all these folk who need something to worship don't worship the Sun ,after all it is the life giver.
Bit rough on the young ladies I suppose, but what the hell, we have to have something to sacrifice to old Sol. ;)
Mr L,your problem is easily solved, do what any sane man would do, when inebriated, kip on the sofa downstairs. ;)

DX Wombat
2nd Nov 2001, 03:51
Mr D, are you really telling us thatyou behaved irresponsibly and left your dog's contribution where it was deposited? Where was your poop-scoop and plastic bag for transportation of the debris to a suitable bin? Tut tut! :mad: :mad: :mad:

tony draper
2nd Nov 2001, 04:01
Negative Draper removed any solid deposites like a good citizen, otherwise the local constabulary can pounce on one and extract a hundred quid.
Of course they do nothing about the young scumbags that sink the rowing boats burn down the kiosks wreck the museum, one has to have ones priorities right can't have dog sh*t in our parks just walking sh*t.
The local authority is having cctv installed
so as to make following dog owners more efficient, dear me some of those sub humans shooting up heroin, or sniffing lighter fuel, might slip on a dog turd and injure themselves.

2nd Nov 2001, 06:52
Doesn't somebody's third law state "matter can neither be created nor destroyed," or some such? Whose law was that, Newton, Einstein, Mick Jagger? :confused:

2nd Nov 2001, 11:37
Tony old sod, I derive a twisted sense of pleasure at the thought of all those un-civil servants whiling away their useless lives watching dogs crapping, on CCTV. In colour too I hope.

But on second thoughts, that's probably better than most of what's on TV these days :(

BTW; Do Geordie dogs, sorry - whippets - still wear those fancy little waistcoats with identification numbers on them? If not how will the crap-watchers tell which dog owners to summon?

Through difficulties to the cinema

DX Wombat
4th Nov 2001, 05:38
Sorry Mr D. The last line of your first post gave me the impression that the contribution had been left where it fell. I agree about the dear little yobs though. I live near a very large secondary school. It is a very pleasant area during holiday time when the only children around are those who live here and their friends - all reasonably well behaved. Term time is a nightmare, litter strewn around with gay abandon, extra ventilation in the local phone box from thoughtfully removed panels, and lots of the little dears lurking around behind our houses smoking their uncivilised little heads off (regular and "customised" varieties of ciggies)and practising their Anglo-Saxon, a subject which appears to be very popular although it does not officially appear on the curriculum. Then there are the cars which park during break times, you get the general idea? Anyway, enjoy your walks with the pooch. :) :) :)

4th Nov 2001, 08:25
Moves are afoot to petition for the right to restore coproral punishment back to some schools and not before time. The misguided and woolyheaded who have decreed that the young shall be allowed to run wild without hindrance have caused enough damage. Some discipline is neccessary and despite what the more extreme liberals think it can be sensibly applied and not be inhumane or permanently "damaging" as adults from previous generations can testify.
Benjiman Spock himself had the decency in his later years to rather sheepishly admit that his earlier ideas may have contributed to the "brattishness"" of the younger generations of America.
Hmm sorry Tony kind of strayed from the rising piles of Autumn leaves and other stuff that causes the earth to swell. Long may te little fellow drag you out round the park to idley muse on lifes little inconsequentialities

[ 04 November 2001: Message edited by: Paterbrat ]

tony draper
4th Nov 2001, 15:00
Indeed, we do seem to have sired a particularly nasty generation, if fact Draper submited a perfectly logical plan, to the authorites,the basis of which was to put to death everybody under the age of twenty five and start the human race from scratch, but would they listen?,.
Not likely , bloody tree hugging liberals, they lack Drapers vision.
Re small hounds and waist coats, Draper's small hound indeed has a number of these,this is not due to a lack of character on his part or sofness of any kind, but due to the laws of mathematics and thermodynamics,it is a strange but little known fact that due to a law called the square cubed law, small pooches have more skin for their volume than large pooches, and are therefore more efficient radiators of heat,a larger percentage of small pooches energy budget goes on heating up the rest of the universe rather than keeping his small frame warm, ergo he feels the cold more.
It is difficult to get ones head around the fact that a Lear, has more suface area for its volumne than a 747, never the less it is true.
Square cubed law, can't be beat.
One would explain it in more detail, but ones soft boiled egg and soldier's are ready. ;) ;)

[ 04 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

4th Nov 2001, 23:45
Perfectly willing to take it as Gospel and I have never stood between a chap and his soldiers who are preparing to attack a lion stamped 3 minuter.

The little fellow is a terrier, or even smaller? I cannot imagine TD being draged about the park by a weskit clad Chihuahua??? the mind will not wrap itself around the old seadog choosing such a Baskervillian hound.

tony draper
5th Nov 2001, 00:10
Small hound is indeed a terrier,a Jack Russel
no less, the most terrifyingly intelligent brand of hound to walk this planet, problem solving intelligent,as they say in the movies.
Although he is the traditional Jack Russel type not one these long legged Parson John Russel terriers that posh people have now, they have appeared since Jack Russels have been allowed into Crufts without a police escort. ;)

[ 04 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

5th Nov 2001, 01:25
Tony all this stuff about isostatics is beyond me.

My patio has dropped at least a foot since I moved here. Is someone stealing my garden isostaticity? Perhaps it only works further north due to cold air being heavier. :confused:

tony draper
5th Nov 2001, 01:37
Depends where upon this globe one dwells Mr T
There are places on this planet that, should Draper see the ground subsiding he would be off like a robbers dog.
I have it on good authority for instance from a friend who lives not far from it, that Mount St Helens just this morning is a rumbling and grumbling, Draper has advised him not to bother upgrading his computer.
Draper believes that Mr Grainger is our Geologist in residence, seek his advice Mr T , without delay, and keep a small bag packed and ready. :eek:

5th Nov 2001, 02:32
First whiff of sulphur, ST, and you need to be making tracks !

5th Nov 2001, 02:49
I remember once shortly after meeting Mrs L (she was Miss something then) I seemed to have trouble retaining contact with the ground...since then, however, the opposite seems to have been the case more often than not.

tony draper
5th Nov 2001, 03:10
It is good to have people with letters after their names on call for advice Mr T.
Although Draper knowledge of Geology is extensive, as indeed his knowledge of most subjects, he has no letters after his name you see.
Draper longs for someone to ask him to solve some Astronomical problem so he can refer them to Mr Rainbow, our resident Astronomer.

[ 04 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

5th Nov 2001, 04:41
Actually I think any smell of sulphur around these parts is probably due to the burning of coal rather than something more sinister!

My small bag is always packed and ready to go, if you get my drift. Ask the Missus - ooer Missus! :D

Tricky Woo
5th Nov 2001, 14:57
Herr Draper,

I have an astronomical question for you; think of it as an early Xmas present.

What's the difference between a Newtonian and a Schmidt-Cassegrain telescope? I know who Mr Newtonian was, but who on earth were Schmidt and Cassegrain? Was it just one posh person with a double-barrel-shotgun surname? Or were they a pair of ruffians posing as astronomers?

Yours in Anticipation.


5th Nov 2001, 15:04

The Newtonian telescope has a single parabolic mirror at the bottom. Since this would send the light back out of the open end of the telescope, there is a small 45 degree flat near the top which redirects the image to an eyepiece which sticks out of the side.

A Cassegrain telescope has a hole in the centre of the main mirror and the secondary mirror at the top sends the light back down the tube through this hole and into an eyepiece in the 'usual' place at the thin end.

Schmidt added a correcting lens at the top end hence Schmidt-Cassegrain.

Full explanations and diagrams on:


Disclaimer: there are other telescope manufacturers etc.

Tricky Woo
5th Nov 2001, 15:35
Mr Grainger,

I think that Herr Draper will be less than pleased by your flagrant hijacking of his astronomy question. These Geordies are known to react violently when someone answers scientific questions of their behalf.

Expect a knock on your door sometime in the near future. A bloke with a funny accent, wearing only a thin t-shirt in winter, will then kick yer bleedin' 'ead in.


tony draper
5th Nov 2001, 15:40
Also the Shmitt allows a main mirror to be of simply curved configuration as opposed to parabolic as in the Newtonian, Mr Shmitts lens on the front end corrects for such things as sherical aberation caused by the much simpler to make curved mirror.
Draper had one of the first Maksutov Cassagrains made in this country, a similar idea to the Shmitt,it a for a much shorter telescope, as the light path is folded back on itself and directed out of the bottom of the tube as opposed to the top.
Something like that anyway.
Those Celestrons are the dogs whatsits but very expensive. ;)

Tricky Woo
5th Nov 2001, 15:55
Herr Draper,

In the interests of social cordiality, I've cooked up another astronomical question for you:

I read recently in the Beano that as far as astonomers/cosmologists can tell, the Universe is as flat as a pancake. Flatter, probably. However, according to their calculations, to explain such flatness, there has to be a very exact quantity of matter lying around after the Big Bang; furthermore, the 'exactness' of such a quantity would have to be spookily coincidental. Slightly too much and it curves one way, and too little, t'other way.

The artical mentioned that an eyeball count of the matter in the Universe is only around 10% of what it would require to explain the observed flatness. As current cosmology predicts that 100% of matter must be present in a flat universe, and only about 10% is strewn about, they've theorised the existence of 'dark matter' to explain the missing 90%.

Why 'dark matter'? 'Cos it's very dark, and probably undetectable.

Can you explain why these people refuse to believe their eyes, and change their sodding theories accordingly, instead of propping up their skewed theories by sneakily increasing the mass of our Universe by a factor of ten via the contrived invention of dark matter?

Cheeky sods.

I hope this astronomical question helps to reduce your understandable rage at Grainger.


tony draper
5th Nov 2001, 16:07
The big problem for us cosmologists at the moment is the news that the universal expansion is actually accelerating, this has thrown every body into disaray they are furiously tearing up lovingly scripted Phd thesies? and franticly calling back coffee table books for the astronomicly illiterate from the printers(SP).
Ha! Draper's cosmological theory worked out twenty years ago predicted all this, one has to be circumspect here, that plagerising git Hawkins would have a book out tommorrow if he so much as got a hint of Draper theory, and of course claim it as his own. ;)

5th Nov 2001, 16:20
Ooops !

Sorry guys.... shouldv'e realised that no-one likes a smart-arse :o

drapes - how do you feel about the gravy-train theory of cosmology ? i.e. they have to keep cocking up the theories to keep the research money flowing... :rolleyes:

Tricky Woo
5th Nov 2001, 16:24
Ahh... but the accelerating universe, plus the dusting off of Einstein's Cosmological Constant was my next question.

The flatness of the Universe was proposed and calculated under the assumption of a decelerating Universe. That assumption has been a mainstay of cosmology since Hubble spotted the red-shifting galaxies. Matter attracts due to gravity, right? The only question to be answered was whether the deceleration due to gravitational attraction was strong enough to 'close' the Universe, and hence lead to a Big Crunch, or weak enough to 'open' the Universe and therefore lead to a very sad, boring end to it all when the lights go out.

Have you noticed that cosmologists are aesthetically attracted to a Big Crunch?

If matter does indeed 'repel' at huge distances, or if the Universe is elastic matters not a jot if those cosmologist chaps are unwilling to pull their slide-rules out of their posteriors and start again.

As regards Mr Hawking's plagarism, I'm still a bit mad at him for nicking my idea that black holes radiate enough energy to lose mass. Unless you feed 'em they just disappear after a while. C'est la vie... he gets the Nobel prize and universal fame, and I get to work for second-rate banks in Switzerland.


tony draper
5th Nov 2001, 17:00
Its beging to look like Sir Fred Hoyle and the other heretics were right, its not hydrogen constantly coming into existence,its single point energy pushing everything apart.

The Guvnor
5th Nov 2001, 17:30
Mr Draper - in response to your initial observation re leaves and whatnots; isn't this where coal comes from? As I understand it, this was at one point a major geological feature of your neck of the woods.

With reference to Benjamin Spock, I remember many years ago when I was studying for my BA in Psychology reading an interview with him. In it, he was asked if he applied any of his own rules (eg no smacking etc) to his own offspring. He was reported as looking horrified and said something to the effect of "You must be joking! If any of the little bu*gers misbehaved, I'd give them a good hiding like any normal parent!"

Just goes to show that the old saw about doing what one does rather than what one says is as sharp as ever! :D :D :D

5th Nov 2001, 17:36
I've been thinking about it, Tony, and I'm wondering if continents actually migrate with the seasons.
I mean, the wind blows from such-and-such a direction during such-and-such times of the year, and so wouldn't the wind tend to move all the dust & dirt to the lee of the land? By moving it from the upwind to the downwind side, the land would have to migrate a little.

Make an interesting study that, the migratory habits of major land masses.

tony draper
5th Nov 2001, 17:49
You mean migrate like sand dunes?, hmmm yes interesting, will have to give this matter some thought.
However, if we are no longer connected to France because of dead leaves one will have to look on those leaves more kindly in future.
You would think someone would have come up with a scheme to use them for something, as I said there must be a thousand tons of them just blowing around the streets.
Hmm, I understand your a bit short of good topsoil on that big island of yours Mr 18,
plenty of that red dust blowing around as I recal,could we perchance interest you in a couple of million tons of dead leaves?.
Perhaps you will then be able to grow proper tree's yourselves.
Hmm, wonder what the'yr like to smoke. ;)

[ 05 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Tricky Woo
5th Nov 2001, 18:29
During a year working for Welsh Water Authority in my distant youth, I was assured by an insider that all forms of Welsh waste is shoved into large trucks and dumped into Cardiff Bay. Human poo, tampons, condoms, and I suppose thousands of tonnes leaves... it all gives the surfers something to dodge.

Of course in England we have school caretakers to sweep up our leaves. I remember as a young lad that the school grounds were miraculously clear of leaves, while just outside there were heaps of 'em turning transparent and then going all skeletal before disappearing entirely. There were mutterings in the local hosteries that said caretaker used to dump school ground leaves over the wall, but that's a damn lie of course.

Not sure what the Scots do with theirs.

As regards Sir Fred and his steady-state theory: cosmic microwave background radiation puts a bit of a dampener on that one. Also the 'why isn't the night-sky white?' contradiction to an eternal universe. Sir Fred simply rejected Big Bang 'cos he felt it opposed his own philosophical and religious beliefs.

JB is getting quite highbrow, huh? What with sheds, leaves and cosmology. Makes me proud to be part of the place.


henry crun
6th Nov 2001, 03:27
It surprises me that Mr Draper has no letters after his name.

In view of his continuing and voluminous scientific contributions to these pages I suggest that, for starters, he be entitled to put FSCT after his name, Fellow of the Society of Cosmological Theory.

No doubt further acknowledgments of his contributions will be awarded and in no time at all he will have to have his visiting cards reprinted in a larger size.

tony draper
6th Nov 2001, 03:44
Its Strange, only yesterday Draper was gazing up at the vast statue of our great hero Guido Fawkes in the town centre alongside the new statue of Our Lady Pope,(blessed be her name) and this morning all this talk of cosmology,(we have to be carefull here lads), made Draper think wouldn't it be funny to wake up one morning in a alternate Universe where Guido,(blessed be his name also) haddn't succeeded in blowing up that foul Heretic king and his entire parliment.
What a strange country this would be now, we would probably still have a King or Queen.
Well Draper is off to bed now the Inquisition police will be around the street shortly and as you know, all candles have to be snuffed out by 13 oclock in Octember.

[ 05 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

6th Nov 2001, 04:35
Thanks, Tony, just pop all those leaves in a jolly big envelope and address it to:
"Australia, maaaaate"

Someone here will know what to do with it. :)

tony draper
6th Nov 2001, 04:46
Certainly it would be interesting to see if proper trees such as Oak Beech Plywood and the like, would grow there if you had proper topsoil.
Those tree's the dinosaurs used to eat, and those ones you make cough medicine out of are ok, but you can't beat proper tree's to sit under. ;)

[ 05 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

6th Nov 2001, 05:46
Ah, Mr Draper being celestially minded might be able to answer this question which has vexed me for many a year, when you buy 'space cake' in Amsterdam, where do they actually get the 'space' from?

6th Nov 2001, 08:34
Relieved to find that you are in fact belong to a 'proper' small dog, was wondering if you can explain the Russelian phenomna of missing a beat or two with a hind leg when dashing about,having quite often observed this myself. They will belt along quite happily, skip along for two or three paces on only one rear paw, operate normaly for a period then the other will 'miss'.

6th Nov 2001, 15:16
I don't think dogs' legs missing a beat is to do with breed, it's a sign of impending ill health.

We had a sheepdog cross that used to do this. Then his big ends went. That's why he was cross. ;)

tony draper
6th Nov 2001, 15:29
Mr Torque could be right , Jackies are subject to a disease of the hip joint called hip displacier, I think, we had one little fella that had to have the hip joint removed, he still got about fine after the op,nowadays they can give a pooch a proper hip replacement operation.
They do have some strange gaits, such as pronging, thats bounding with all four legs held stiff, they do this thru long grass, this one of mine stops and stands on his back legs like those mere cats, and looks around for rabbits.

6th Nov 2001, 15:57
My little rat-catcher 'skipped' at the back-end from the day I got him to the day I had to have him put down (for a heart problem) :(

Personally, I think the skipping problem was down to the fact that the bit with the brain in was too busy trying to find ways of getting into trouble (picking fights with rotties, horses, anything with more than 2 legs...), thus allowing the rear end to go out of sync

6th Nov 2001, 16:23
Hip Dysphasia - I wasn't aware that JR's suffered from it. My parents have owned a string of JR's and none have had it. The last one did do that little hop with her hind legs every now and then, but showed no sign of discomfort at all...

A secretary of mine many years ago had an Alsatian with hip dysphasia and he had to be put down.

Tricky Woo
6th Nov 2001, 17:47
Hmm, on the same lines as Herr Draper's question as to where all the leaves go... what happens to all these deceased pooches I keep hearing about? Is there a sort of elephant's graveyard for them?

Is there a secret location scattered with doggy skeletons and half-rotten dog leashes? Every now and again a knackered labrador drags himself there, against all odds, then heaves a contented sigh, before it snuffs it, and it's doggy soul goes up to heaven.

If I could only find it, I could get rich... imagine all those diamond encrusted collars that mad old bats put round the necks of their lap dogs. Worth a bob or two, I reckon.

Probably somewhere in Yorkshire. I'll have to look out for it.


tony draper
6th Nov 2001, 17:53
You could be right hip dysphasia was the nearest I could find that fitted the description, that lttle fella had a ball joint on his hip so degraded it had to be removed,and he was a very young dog, I know of a couple of other JR's around here that have had the same problem.
The one we have now is the most perfect Jack Russel shape we have ever had, he is a real beauty.
He does a thing I have only seen the short legged JR's do he will lie flat on his stomach with his back legs splayed out behind him like a frog and using his front legs sort of swim about on the floor.
Always loved dogs, but Jack Russels are the true characters of the canine world.

6th Nov 2001, 18:28
Just read this - great thread IMHO!! :cool:

Must say I love Grainger's pukka 'gravy train' theory of cosmology!!!! :D :D :D

I always had that thought at the back of my mind, but could never quite put it into words!!! Thanks mate!!!

It's an easy life for 'em isn't it?? None of us will be around by the time the 'Universe collapses' or whatever, so it doesn't matter whether they get it right or wrong!!! :D

Dunno where all the leaves go, though - maybe they are just absorbed by the soil and go to make new trees/plants??

9th Nov 2001, 05:31
On 'The gravy train' hypothesis :-

1 ) Fcuk Me !! What was that ?

2 ) Hey ! Didn't that happen last Tuesday ?

3 ) Dear NERC,
A request for consideration of a proposal for funding of research in the natural sciences ....

I always wondered how research grants were applied for and this was the best explaination I ever heard


9th Nov 2001, 06:19
I hate to be really pedantic, but it's hip DYSPLASIA, not dysphasia. Dysphasia refers to a speech impairment.

Now, I hope you're taking notes, because I'll be asking questions later on...


9th Nov 2001, 06:23
Oops - thanks, Min! I never was much good at biology theory, always better at the practicals ;)

I know the non-official term, anyway, which is "cow-hocked" :)

Mind you, my father's JR also has a speech impediment - the little sod will bark at anything...

11th Nov 2001, 00:22
Dear Mr Draper, Sir,

Getting back to your original (aren’t they always) thoughts on ground movement, I do believe you have provided the answer to a long standing problem for me. At the same time I think that you have stimulated a new scientific discovery which will change civil engineering and aviation practice for all time.

Musing on your ideas of ground movement I have suddenly realised that, just as the sea rises and falls with the movement of the moon, so does the ground – obviously to a much lesser extent, being so much more dense. This has at last explained, like a blinding light, my inability to make really smooth landings. Up to now, I always seem to hit the ground too soon or, having flared too high, drop onto the ground with a bit of a bump. With your help I now see that it is the ground that is actually higher or lower than I thought. I have just proved this by checking the tide tables before flying and, for the first time in my life, I made a perfectly smooth landing. The ground was exactly where I expected it to be.

Now I realise that I will have to do a lot of work before this will be widely accepted so I have applied for Government funding so that I can carry out enough flights to provide statistical proof that this is so. I believe that, before long, all aerodrome information will include Tide tables.

My son is just starting a new job as a civil engineer where he will be doing a lot of surveying. I have convinced him to apply tidal correction factors to his measurements and I am sure that he will become famous for introducing this concept into surveying.

In your honour and with your kind permission, we will call this the Draper Effect.

tony draper
11th Nov 2001, 01:58
Its easy to understand why the gravitational attraction of the moon pulls up a lump of ground and sea that passes beneath it, but why does a lump also form on the exact opposite side of the Earth? hmmm?, one would have thought there should be a dint. :(

12th Nov 2001, 02:19
Yeah, Tone I agree, but if a lump didn`t form on the exact opposite side, we`d be in for an uncomfy ride as a horrible wobble would ensue.

tony draper
12th Nov 2001, 02:45
Yes, but why does it form?,what physical force causes this convenient balancing lump?.
the moon is on the opposite side of the earth, how does gravity suddenly become less?, do aircraft flying there suddenly gain altitude?.
Draper still has many puzzles to solve before he returns to his own planet. ;)

18th Nov 2001, 23:54
Mr D

Sorry for returning to this topic after so long, but I crave your Counsel.

I have just spent the last two days raking up leaves on the family estate. They are now all piled up in the top field.

Following your assumption in the first post of this thread, i am now preparring a business plan for a ski resort, can I have your advice with regards to require facilities and marketing

Is it me??

tony draper
19th Nov 2001, 00:05
You could have a problem there keeping you leaf ski slope covered in snow, even in winter.
leaves when left in piles to their own devices, begin to generate heat,and will often attain temperatures that will cause them to spontainiously combust, this could prove disconserting to folks sliding down your hill with them ski thingies.
This is all part of mother natures rich plan, the leaves are reduced to their chemical constituants are absorbed by the soil sucked up the tree and become happy little leaves again.
Tough sh*t for those wanting to ski though.
Draper has always regarded that as a rather silly passtime anyway, and is on mother natures side in this matter.
Have you tried roller skates, Mr F?.

[ 18 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

19th Nov 2001, 01:30

Roller skates on leaves. I think we may be onto a winner here. Its a bit of a shame about the spontaneous combustion though,still if we use asbestos wheels it may work.

Interesting point about leaves being absorbed into trees, but what about inter breeding? I mean what if Oak Leaf residue gets absorbed into an apple tree! We would get apples that no-one could eat.

Imagine the trouble Squirrels would have !!

Now I am worried :confused:

19th Nov 2001, 02:21
Not this squirrel...http://www.newfie.com/images/squirrel(1).jpg

19th Nov 2001, 02:53
Blimey Pigboat he must have swallowed hard!! :eek: I always though they stored any excess nuts in cheek pouches. I guess I just assumed the wrong cheeks.