View Full Version : Are you living too close to Glasgow ??

31st Oct 2001, 04:18
Are you living too close to Glasgow?

Here are some tell-tale signs:

1. Your spouse has a poster of Andy Goram smiling as a role model.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think that a woman is "out of your league" because she asks for a glass with her 'Tennents Super'.

5. The phrase, "Thunderbirds are go!", reminds you the off license has just opened.

6. You wish your toilet at home could be as 'clean' as the one in the bus station.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your school had a students' creche.

11. One, or more, of your kids was born on a pub pool table.

12. One, or more, of your kids was conceived on a pub pool table.

13. Your back door coal bunker is ideal for the rottweiler to raise its pups.

14. The trade -in value of your transit goes up and down, depending on how full the tank is.

15. You don't have to leave the house to put rubbish in the wheelie bin.

16. You once lit a match in the bathroom and the windows blew out.

17. You only need one more stamp on your card to get a freebie at "Tam's Tattoos."

18. You can't get married to your childhood sweetheart because of the current bestiality laws.

19. You think 'loading a dishwasher', means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

and finally...........

21. The soundtrack on your wedding video ends with the loudhailer message:
"THIS IS THE POLICE................."

[ 30 October 2001: Message edited by: EGDR ]

31st Oct 2001, 05:00
i thought that this was signs that you might be a redneck :cool:

Bally Heck
31st Oct 2001, 05:07
Heh heh.

There was once a translation of Glasgow ATC instructions in the BA crew room in Aberdeen. I shall attempt to recall some of it.

Whit?...........................Say again
Whad ah jist tell you?..........Read back my last message
Get aff ra tar..................Vacate the runway
Aff ye gaw......................You are cleared for take-off
Listen cloath ears..............I say again
Hud oan.........................Stand by
Hing oan........................Hold position

Sure theres more but I canny remember them.
Edited because the tabs didn't work.

[ 31 October 2001: Message edited by: Bally Heck ]

31st Oct 2001, 05:24
Dings -

NO - if it was redneck it would go something like this ----

Your Family tree has no branches! :cool:

Your dog rides in front, the wife & kids in the truck bed (pickup truck).

A housewarming is where all your friends come over to help take the wheels off your double-wide trailer and block it up.

Indoor plumbing is where you parked the double-wide trailer over the "pit" and cut a hole in the floor. :rolleyes:

Your new car is a ten year old rusted out pickup truck. Or a twenty year old rusted out Cadillac. :D

dAAvid -

31st Oct 2001, 12:17
Food for thought - the only place on Planet Earth that isn't too close to Glasgow is Alice Springs...

Through difficulties to the cinema

The Guvnor
31st Oct 2001, 12:54
How can you possibly do something like this about Glesca without mentioning IrnBru???

Blue Boy
31st Oct 2001, 19:17
How can anyone slag off Glasgow, without slagging off Edinburgh first?

1st Nov 2001, 10:41
Talkin aboot Irn Bru, am absulootly devastated. uv jist found oot that the b***ers here in Bahrain hiv banned the steel forehied cause it's got some type o food colouring (e104).
Looks like am gonna hiv tae start smugglin it in along wi ma oxo cubes and bovril
:mad: :mad: :mad:

[ 01 November 2001: Message edited by: sirwa69 ]

2nd Nov 2001, 00:16
As far as I`m concerned,pal, the only good thing about Edinburgh is the M8 to Glasgow.

2nd Nov 2001, 00:42
Try this wan then gadgies.....


What would happen if Star Wars was set in Glasgow?

Chewbacca would look roughly the same, except he would only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He’d have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers or Celtic top.

His cohorts would invariably refer to obi-Wan Kinobi as Chief or Big Yin. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby. Darth Vader would be referred to as “Auld Helmet Heid” or in moments of stress as “That Dome Heided B*****d”.

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or p**s on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted or dumped in front of a speeding train or being set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a “greetin faced p**f frae Milngavie”.

The Millennium Falcon would have anti-static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record “I love Scotland” sticker in the back window and a large Saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it is hard to run very fast when wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over her ass every two steps. She will have been a heavy smoker since the age of 6 and mother of three since she was 15.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate full on attack. Two easy ways would be:
1. Alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Roman Catholics.
2. Leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Classic lines from the film would of course be uttered in the vernacular:

Han Solo.
“I’ve got a real bad feeling about this”
“Ah’m sh*tin’ ma sel’ here boy”

“Bring ‘em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around”
“Come right ahead then ya c*nts! Fight the f*ckin’ lot o ye!”

“There’s no mystical energy field controls my destiny”
“The Force?!! D’youse think ah came doon wae the rain?!!”

Han Solo cont.
“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid”
“Nae messin’ aboot wae the God Squad and awe that auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel’ a decent shooter”

Darth Vader.
When trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker.
“The Force is strong in this one”
“Stop shooglin’ ya wee ba*tard”

Princess Leia.
“You’re a little short for a Storm trooper aren’t you?”
“Ah didnae think they took short-erses in the Polis”

“This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade.”
“Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o’ sh*te.”

Admiral Motti.
“Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Vader”
“You think yer that hard Vader, so ye do. Wel boy, we’re nae feart ae you”

Obi-Wan Kinobi.
“I felt a great disturbance in the Force.”
“F*CK ME!! Whit wiz aw that?”

Luke Skywalker.
To the Emperor.
“Your overconfidence is your weakness.”
“Oh ye bl**dy think so, dae ye!”

The Guvnor
2nd Nov 2001, 14:13
BuzzLightyear - you don't write the strips for The Broons and Oor Wullie do you? :D :D :D

roland poole
2nd Nov 2001, 15:30
overheard on edi gnd:

gnd: abc 123 clear push & start stand 5

abc 123: clear push and start, which way do you want us to face?

gnd: face west

abc 123: roger, face the slums

Wee Ali
4th Nov 2001, 05:49

4th Nov 2001, 15:23
How could a thread be complete about glasgow without some bigoted football humour

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Celtic fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Celtic fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Celtic fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Celtic fan, then who are you
a fan of?" "I am a Rangers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Rangers fan?" the girl replied "Because my mum is a Rangers fan, and my dad is Rangers fan, so I'm a Rangers fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Rangers fan. You don't
have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Celtic fan."

4th Nov 2001, 15:33
Bally Heck, I believe this is the list of translations you were referring to:

The following phraseology is applicable to aircrew having to visit Glasgow:

(Translation: Rapast crappiwerra huzcozzed affue probs, wi’ra kites ‘n punters gawnaff taera rangtoons. Djutae ra probswi ralingo witcha forrintipes huv, heerza guidetae folla furra flyboys).

Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
Affirmative - Aye atsrite
Break – Hodoan
Correction – Awshit
How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
I say again - Wanmertime pal
Negative - Noway pal
Over – Overinnat
Out – Ahmoaf
Pass your message – Geezrapatter
Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
Roger - Okay pal
Say again - Geezrapatter again
Speak slower – Geezitininglish
Stand by – Hodoanahmbizzy
That is correct - Spotoan/Atsragemme
Verify – Yerjokin
Wilco – Naeborra
Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
Cleared to land – Getoan ragrunn
Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
Cleared take off – Oanyer bike/Oanyer wyepal

9th Nov 2001, 05:31
The Guvnor- Jings! Ah'm fair scunnered that ye think ah wid write something like thon.

Thon Maggie is a braw lookin woman mind, but ah wouldnae touch Daphne wi a 10 fit pole! And as fir thon lanky yin Hen, whit is he like.

Onybody seen Gran'paws Granny Sookers?

9th Nov 2001, 18:39
Two that come to mind-

If you bring a beer to a job interview- you might be a redneck.

If your mother-in-law comes in and says, "hey, y'all come look at this before I flush!" - you might be a redneck. :D

10th Nov 2001, 02:49
Gentlemen, Gentlemen! Buzz I do not know, but I should have expected better of The Guvnor. Institutions though they are, Oor Wullie and The Broons never approach the peaks scaled by Bud Neill (Lobey Dosser) or, for an even older generation, The Gangrel, and the reason is not far to seek: Oor W and The B are from Dundee, not Glasgow. If all other evidence were lacking, the occasional sign "Weet Pent" on the back of a park bench or the like (for P C Murdoch to lean on)locates Wullie, Paw, Maw, Daphne, Hen, the Bairn and others in Dundee. No other location is possible. "Eh'm na hungry. Eh'll ha'e a peh", never heard north of Lochee (to the cognoscenti, Lachee) or west of the Hilltown ("We ur the lads frae the tap o' the hull; We've never worked an' we never wull"). Yours in scholarship.

10th Nov 2001, 03:57

I concede to your greater knowledge! It is misleadng though as Paw Broon was a shipyard worker and though Dundee is famous for many things, the great D.C. Thomson Ltd among them, apart from "The Discovery" I can't really think of many other ships that were built there. Clydebank, Govan etc on the other hand are famous for very little other than shipyards, so perhaps that is where the misconception springs from.

Still say you canny whack a bit o' Francie and Josie though!!

Tristar Freak
10th Nov 2001, 06:25
Ahhh, Bonny Dundee.

Scotlands answer to S****horpe, the only city in this sceptered Isle where a complete sentence contains no consonants ie:
Q: Wha ate mah peh? (someone from Broughty Ferry obviously)
A: a' e' i' a' (someone fae thu Fintry)

They call it the city of Discovery, I certainly discovered that the road to Perth was very nice......

10th Nov 2001, 10:18
I wonder, Tristar. I understand you, of course, but might not the true purist render that as: "E: e' e' i' a'"? A refinement, I admit.

How well I remember my sister report one exchange: "Thur a Lachee fiss, an' a Dundee fiss. Eh've goa' a Lachee fiss". Multum, as we might say, in parvo.

[ 10 November 2001: Message edited by: Davaar ]

The Guvnor
10th Nov 2001, 13:10
I am ashamed to say that I have been completely left behind on the last couple of posts - and my parents are both from Carnoustie!

Whilst that great Scots institution D C Thomson is indeed Dundee based, I do have to agree that I was under the distinct impression that this was a case of the civilised Easties extracting the michael from those from the West who are seen as being rather, er, less advanced.

Wasn't Dundee built on jute trading rather than ship building?

Jings! :o :eek: :o

10th Nov 2001, 15:08
"Jings crivens help ma boab", this is gettin to be a bit o' a stramash.

:D :D :D