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Velvet
11th Jun 2001, 13:38
However, it doesn't apply to those of us who attended the GatBash

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENESS

Stage 1 CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known to the universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell - you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.

And then you sober up.....

Stage 1 STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and Bud/Guinness/Tetley/Baileys/ you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third rasher sandwich.

Stage 2 UGLY
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smokey / sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on over night or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block! Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.

Stage 3 POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got from the cashpoint to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat / duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a 20 / 50 note by mistake.

Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.

Stage 4 MADE OF GLASS
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self-respect plummets. Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.

Stage 5 CIRCUS FREAK
Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues / family / friends, shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make you feel better".
You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.

Velvet
11th Jun 2001, 13:59
And on this subject
Checklist for beer drinkers and solutions

Symptom
Beer unusually pale and tasteless,
Fault
your glass is empty
Action
Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault
You have fallen over backwards
Action
Have yourself lashed to bar

Symptom
Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault
You have fallen forwards
Action
See above

Symptom
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action
Retire to the Gents, practice in mirror

Symptom
Feet cold and wet
Fault
Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Symptom
Feet warm and wet
Fault
Improper bladder control
Action
Stand next to nearest dog and complain about its house training

Symptom
Floor blurred
Fault
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action
Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom
Floor moving
Fault
You are being carried out
Action
Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Symptom
Room seems unusually dark
Fault
Bar has closed
Action
Confirm home address with bartender

Symptom
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures
Fault
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Action
Cover mouth

ExSimGuy
11th Jun 2001, 23:55
In the words of that great 10cc song:

"I didn't do it - I wasn't there"

(Good morning JPJ http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif )

flapsforty
12th Jun 2001, 00:08
And sorely missed were both of you! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

Roofus
13th Jun 2001, 22:18
Boy am I glad I rarely drink! :)

Boy am I sad I missed a bash! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

[This message has been edited by Roofus (edited 13 June 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Roofus (edited 13 June 2001).]