View Full Version : Cockpit visit goes horribly wrong...

7th Jun 2001, 23:34
Seriously, as an ATCO I do enjoy occasionally travelling in the cockpit to see the other side as it were. Almost every time I've been well received.

One OS trip was going swimmingly until mid leg when a fair bit of ribbing was coming on from the FO. Enjoying the spectacle I replied in kind...

Did you hear about the woman who rushed into the police station sobbing "Help. Help. Oh God help me I've just been raped by a pilot." The desk sergeant, noticably disturbed asked her to calm down and explain what happened. "It was all so quick" she sobbed, "I didn't see his face" "How do you know he was a pilot" asked the cop gently.

"He had a great big watch, a little tiny dick and he kept talking about himself."

Cabin temp dropped by 10 degrees. What did I say?

Mind you the same joke in an Oz cockpit got me a round of drinks on arrival...

[This message has been edited by no_name_oz (edited 07 June 2001).]

7th Jun 2001, 23:35
The truth is a cruel mistress.

Celtic Emerald
7th Jun 2001, 23:52
Oh Gawd LOL http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

I've just stopped laughing at ExSimGuys post and now you made me laugh again.

I'll admit I enjoy jumpseating too & usually the slagging starts on my side but there are degrees of joking if you get my drift. Some crews are more serious than others, you can usually gauge very quickly as are different cultures. I always remember that I'm a guest up there, I'm on their territory so even though a bit of fun can be shared I still try to remain polite & diplomatic. There's no point in upsetting the people your life depends on and safety is always paramount.

Talk about putting your foot in it :)

P.S. What does OS mean?


8th Jun 2001, 00:11

"Dunundah" merchant - can't spell "Oz"

(hope he's got a sense of humour too - I might have to go back there one day :) )

8th Jun 2001, 00:47
Over Seas at a guess.......

Ella Valet
8th Jun 2001, 23:19
Opportunist Sex, at another guess...

8th Jun 2001, 23:54
Hey ESG!!

OS, for those of you less worldly than some, simply put, is an abbreviation of Over-seas, as F40 pointed out ;)
But then, being an Oz chick, what would I know http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/confused.gif

All my fondest love
GG :) :) :)

[This message has been edited by GoGirl (edited 08 June 2001).]

Charlie Foxtrot India
10th Jun 2001, 06:56
Back to cockpit visits, some classic quotes from Captain Oveur in "airplane"

"Jimmy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"

"Ever been inside a Turkish prison?"

"Well well! Scraps is a Boy dog! Do you like it when Scraps rubs up and down your leg?"

10th Jun 2001, 12:04
Many years ago, I sat in on an Air Niugini base check. Both the candidate and the Checkie had been in the company a long time, so knew each other pretty well. I knew them both to be wags and hopeless cynics, so got treated to a real flying experience quite unlike anything I'd ever encountered before.

The banter started with the engine start, each trying to point-score off the other. I was in stitches the whole time. Anyway, near the end of the check, the Checkie says "You're getting the hang of this flying stuff ... have you ever considered taking flying lessons?"

"Well, yes I did", the candidate replied straight away, but slowly - as if still having thoughts about it. Then, with a completely dead-pan expression, he continued ... "But I decided to join Air Niugini instead."

Candidate : 1 Checkie : 0

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

12th Jun 2001, 01:52
A Few tales for the table:

An foreign student pilot classmate of mine, whose English skills left a bit to be desired, was having trouble recognizing the onset of a stall in a T-37. The T-37 will stall quite noticeably, and easily enters any one of a number of nasty types of spins. His instructor repeatedly had the student set up for stall entry, and then would say "See the buffet?" as the stall was about to occur. Invariably the student failed to recognize the condition, and seemed to be more interested in looking at the ground than flying the airplane. Since the aircraft was usually nose high at this time, he had to strain to see the ground, and occasionally added enough rudder and/or stick input to induce a spin.

Totally exasperated, the instructor finally lost it one day and screamed at the student, "What the hell are you looking at? The aircraft is stalling, and you are more interested in looking at the ground."

The student replied, "I'm just trying to see the buffet.".

The instructor then explained, "Seeing the buffet is sort of a figure of speech. Maybe I should have said "Can you feel the buffet?" What exactly did you think you would see on the ground, anyway?"

To which the student responded, "You know, some of those big brown animals, sort of like cows, but with big humps."
Airline passengers can be very demanding and hard to please... hence the following true story. Miami to New York is always a tough audience. Everyone who boards the plane wants cards, kiddie books, and anything that is "free". One passenger asked for everything that wasn't nailed down, and just couldn't be placated, so when the meals were served, it wasn't a surprise that he tugged on the flight attendant's apron while she was serving coffee with the following complaint.

Pax: "Oh, miss, miss...this steak...it's such a bad steak...I can't eat this steak...I've never had such a bad steak."

F/A: "I'm sorry sir, let me see if I can take care of that steak for you."

The F/A put her coffee pot and tray on the floor, picked up the steak from the passenger's plate and proceeded to spank it while saying, "Bad steak, bad steak!"

She put the steak back on the stunned passenger's plate and said, "I'm sure it will behave now, sir."

Picked up her coffee pot and went on through the cabin.
The bewildered passenger never said another word for the rest of the flight!
A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening. She replies: "Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again".
During a reunion of WWI airmen, decorated fighter ace Ole Olsen of Denmark was introduced as a speaker by the MC. During his presentation, Ole was asked by a member of the audience about his most trying moment in battle. "Well," he began, his nordic accent hanging heavily, "One day, flying over the North Sea, I look behind me, and there's all these Fokkers quickly closing in."

At this point, the obviously distressed MC rushed to the microphone and hastily explained: "Ladies and gentlemen, the Fokker was a warplane used by the German forces."

"Ya," continued Ole, "that' true, but THESE Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts!"
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:

Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"

Inst: "What do you think you should do?"


Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."

Inst: "That's a good idea."

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"

Inst: "What do you think you should do?"


Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."

Inst: "That's a good idea."

Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
Student pilots who can fly "OK" often still get tongue-tied trying to
talk on the radio. This student -- after practicing in her mind several
times -- decided she would go for it, and called the tower: "... Ready
for takeoff, request a straight-out-approach."

To which ATC had this to say: "Lady, if you can do it, you can have it!"
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney,
Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out
and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice,
then it's okay to land."


14th Jun 2001, 16:22
Hi RW-1, when where you in W' Falls?

Did 89-02 B-flight.