View Full Version : An Inconvenient Corpse...

Tricky Woo
6th Jun 2001, 17:48
Imagine this scenario:

You wake up feeling rough after yet another hard night's drinking. You vaguely remember a drinking competition with your least reputable mates involving copious amounts of beer, gin, vodka... You don't know if you won. It no longer matters. You also vaguely remember trying to chat up some unfortunately girl or another in the bar. Everything after that is a complete blank. A good night then.

Looking around you spot the usual debris of the previous evening: clothes askew; vomit on the carpet; kebab wrapper full of bits of cabbage; cigarette burns on your best trousers; yet another stolen beer mug; etc, etc, etc.

You have a headache of biblical proportions.

Feeling that the morning couldn't possible get any worse, you wander into your bathroom for some emergency surgery (Three S's to the uninitiated). Only then do you find that there's a dead girl in your bath. (Wheek-wheek-wheek music...).

You say to yourself: "Blimey, I don't remember that being there when I was getting ready to go out last night". Followed by: "Er... I might be in a bit of lumber 'ere".

What do you do now?

Do you 'fess all to the local plod? Or do you find a way of disposing of the evidence? If so, how? Discuss...

(As usual extra points will be awarded for callousness, ingenuity and sexual connotations. No animals have been harmed during the construction of this scenario, so f**k off TG).

The Nr Fairy
6th Jun 2001, 18:31
Tell us what you did and how you avoided copping a jail sentence or having internet posting privileges removed !!

6th Jun 2001, 18:35
"She must have followed me home, mum. Can I keep her?" isn't acceptable? :)

ickle black box
6th Jun 2001, 19:24
Tricky, Tricky ... listen to me and calm down! You shouldn't be asking us ppruners how to sort your mess out !!

Drink some water, and throw down a few aspirin. I'm sure it's not really soo bad, your headache will go soon. Drink some more water. Put a few clothes on, feel around till you find your glasses and put them on. Grab a spare pair if you've got some.

Now, this time when you return to the bathroom, the dead girl floating in the bath will infact be 'Trisha'. Deflate her quickly, and hide her under your bed again. With any luck, your mates won't have found your other dolls, mags or dildo's, and you won't have the piss taken for the next 5 years.

Time to clear the place up, call for a pizza, and get ready for going out again tonight. You're a bloke, you should have learn't all this long long ago.

[This message has been edited by ickle black box (edited 06 June 2001).]

6th Jun 2001, 19:55
um make it an acid bath?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6th Jun 2001, 19:58
Shag her while she`s still warm.

tony draper
6th Jun 2001, 20:24
Just tell old bill you hired a Necrophilagram

Tricky Woo
6th Jun 2001, 22:03

Finally, an attempt at an answer. While I admire your romantic instincts, the girl has been dead for quite some time. Also, shagging the corpse of a girl is hardly a clever way of disposing of it, is it?

Come on chaps, this is a hypothetical scenario. You're stuck with the corpse of some girl you picked up last night. What're you going to do now? I want solutions!

Slasher, you must have been caught in this bind loads of times. What do you do?

6th Jun 2001, 23:03
Don't suppose there are any deep quicklime pits in the vicinity?

6th Jun 2001, 23:28
Ask the audience

The Mistress
7th Jun 2001, 00:07
Ask Michael Barrymore. Oops! Sorry Michael.

7th Jun 2001, 00:28
I would wait until rigor mortis has set in, then dress her and sell her to the local charity shop as an unwanted shop window display dummy. Of course, you'd have to disguise the smell somehow.

7th Jun 2001, 00:29
Call the plods, tell them you were out drinking with Teddy Kennedy last night - he won't remember having been there, but you only just remember yourself, so where's the hassle? :)

Oh - and tell them that they'd better check Jeffrey Archer's diary for a little more Tippex, and point out that you rented the house from Keith Vaz, and he probably still has a set of keys.

[This message has been edited by HugMonster (edited 06 June 2001).]

7th Jun 2001, 00:57
Anyone know how we should dispose of the corpse of the tory party? Might be useful to know come Friday morning.

[This message has been edited by Loki (edited 06 June 2001).]

tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 01:08
Well a practical solution would be a chest freezer and good hacksaw,freeze defuct lady solid,cut into small portions slip one at a time into binbag place this in rubbish receptical for binmen to collect,the secret is not to be greedy, small pieces every week caution must be exercised, ie no addressed envelopes or other identafiable stuff among the rubbish,put anything like that in next doors bin.
The head could be something of a problem, again small pieces, a strong stomach will be required, but that you already have, if you can eat kebabs even when drunk. :)
Oh yes, remove all teeth and dispose of separatly, one at a time, into fast flowing river if poss.

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 06 June 2001).]

7th Jun 2001, 01:28
Tricky, how pissed are you at the moment?
Take a look around.
Is it your flat?
Is that your bathroom?
Do you recognise her? obviously not, you can't remember anything so she can't be anything to do with you.
Pick up any used condoms (as if!)
Walk out of the flat shouting, "Honestly, darling, you will one day find another man as good as me, you don't have to kill yourself just because no one measures up to the chief of police in this town."

THEN [email protected] RUN!!

7th Jun 2001, 02:35
Thanks for the tips, wish I`d read a thread like this before I built the new patio.

7th Jun 2001, 02:40
That's another good one - build a new patio (preferably concrete-based), incorporating the late and evidently not-so-lamented into the foundations!

7th Jun 2001, 03:29
Following on from tony draper -
Cut up into pieces and freeze.
As the barbeque season is now with us, the odd bonfire here and there won't get noticed. Simply add a few pieces of the deceased at a time, making sure they get burned down to ashes. The smell of charred flesh will blend with the smell of all the other peoples' burnt meat.
You can the dispose of the ashes by scattering over water or just mix them into a bag of garden waste and take to the local dump. As Tony says, the secret is not to be greedy, so it will probably take a few fires over the course of several weeks to dispose of the entire body.
I wouldn't recommend the patio option - we've just had a new one put down and every time there's a murder down our road, the Police are straight round to dig it up, and they never seem to get the pointing quite right when they put it back again.

tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 03:51
On the other hand, a perfectly good engineering solution would be to cook and eat said stiff, as I said, anyone who can eat kebabs will have no difficulty accomplishing this, come to think , don't suppose even the cooking is necessary.

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 07 June 2001).]

Celtic Emerald
7th Jun 2001, 08:52
Tony Draper

Are you Jeffrey Dahmer in disguise or whah http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

In Dublin were lucky anyway cause the Dublin mountains on our doorstep is a great way for disposing of bodies, knowing my luck next time I'm out hillwalking I'll probably trip over one http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

Emerald :P

tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 11:25
Certainly not!, Draper has never even struck a lady in anger.
The poor lad asked for help,Draper being a engineer and therefore of a practical turn of mind mearly brought his conciderable intellect to bare on the problem.
Besides the lad never said he had personnely offed the lady, it is my experience that alcohol induced amnesia seldom lasts the day,nature is not that kind.
The full horrors of the night before has a tendency to drift back in wide screen and technicolor, so he will probably recall that he and his mates being somewhat a bunch of wags when drunk, stole said corpse from the local undertaker, or bought her from some chap in a pub.
Besides people like Dharma or West, seem to get away with things like this for years, and are only caught by accident, not due to the skill of the local constabulary.
IT is the amateur, the poor guy or gal next door that get pounced on by plod almost before they have put down the knife or gun.
They seek complex disposal methods,this probably stems from reading silly detective stories written by daffy old ladies, the rule is as in anything in life is to keep it simple,
The old stupid b*stard builder ploy, springs to mind in this case, if the gentlemen is to squeamish for the methods I have suggested,
purchase a a few hundredweight sacks of cement a similar amount of sand a few llbs of harcore mix up a batch and pour same into bath along with dead lady,be sure no fingers toes or other nether regions protrude, allow to set, then phone local council rubbish disposal,my area posesses a fine dept for the removal of building or garden waste, tell them idiot builder doing work on your drum, mixed up batch of stuff in bath, then buggered off for a week said stuff has gone stiff and would they come and cart bath and contents away to local land fill site please,
Get someone else to dispose of evidence for you.
See simple. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 07 June 2001).]

Tricky Woo
7th Jun 2001, 12:05
tony draper,

Two different methods and both viable. I find the freezer solution more interesting thus far seeing as I'd get a free anatomy lesson during the dismemberment. All that, plus no blood and goo on the carpet.

The concrete bath method has its advantages, seeing as it's an easy way of getting off scot-free, but it clearly lacking the 'yuk' factor that I'm looking for.

You clearly have a practical bent. Perhaps I could call you if I ever need your services? Clearly, this sort of predicament could happen at any time, so it's nice to know there's someone around to offer sound advice.


tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 12:17
Sorry double post.

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 07 June 2001).]

tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 12:22
Well I have to admit MR Woo that I once plied my trade as a freelance problem solver,
I prefered the long distance method, ie, restocked long Lee Enfield,good 4x40 scope hollow point rather than standard military issue, as I as something of a traditionalist.
The main problem nowadays being the idiots with camcorders, you are not safe from long lenses even when lurking on err, grassy knolls and such.
Disposal was not a problem for me, the client was usualy left in situ as it were.

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 07 June 2001).]

7th Jun 2001, 18:52
T. Draper

Your post above has just revealed yourself as the idiot Bangladeshi who I hired to lay the base to my garden pond. The mix he used was horrendously over-rich in cement and the lime leached out killing all of my prize Coy-Carp that I bought to stock it. The almost total absence of aggregate caused the whole thing to crack at the first slight earth-tremor, filling my neighbour's garden on the down-hill side with lime-saturated water and killing his lawn of the finest Japanese ornamental turf-grass, for which he is demanding compensation. The water finally over-flowed into the sewerage system and the local housing management has sent me a bill for the reconstruction of the septic tank.

Should you ever be in this area again, please don't hesitate to knock on the door and I'll show you the perfect way of disposing of a body - our new septic tank has the capacity to completely decompose a "goat khabsa" in the period between the remains being flushed down the bog on Thursday night and the tank being emptied by the local authority on Saturday morning :mad:

What goes around . . .
. . often lands better!

tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 19:15
Please excuse me Mr Exe, The correct mixture of various types of concrete is not my field of expertise, I gave only those amounts as a illustration.
I am very sorry to hear of your doomed horticultural efforts and pescatorial disasters.
Forward the name of the scoundrel responsible
and I guarantee, he shall be discusing correct ratio's of sand to cement with his ancestor's shortly thereafter.
There will however be a modest charge.

7th Jun 2001, 19:34
Interesting but a bit impractical. All that chopping would take a while and there is another night coming up.
As stated before if it's her place; wipe down and run. But if you can be traced to the room, that won't suffice.
Stuff her into a big box or bag (before she gets stiff). Carry to your car. Take along some concrete from that patio or garden rocks or anything heavy ( No power tools purchased by creditcard, that's a waste) and proceed to the canal, river, lake, ocean, whatever. Now before the actual dump make sure the connection between her body and the heavy stuff, e.g. rope, chain, is not too long.
And make sure the water is more than 3 meters deep, preferably murky and with a healthy underwater fauna. (fish, crab, eel would be good). Take a detour going home. Get some lunch, you look like you need it. Clean your **** up. And prepare yourself for another night on the town. Life is really not that complicated guys. Oh, and if you can get someone else to do the cleaning at home that would be better.

7th Jun 2001, 19:36
Thanks, TD,

It sounded like "Cong Creet Abu Mixas", but I never can get the handle on the foreigners' names. :)

If you locate him, fee will be duly paid as the new sewerage is now blocked by the half ton of sand that he thought he didn't need and flushed down the drains; I can't even take a dump now as it "all comes back to me" :mad:

(only 6 more posts to the 1000 - despite the "great sever crash" that cost me several hundred - I really must "get a life" and move out of the Middle East http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif ).

Now, with the sewers blocked, what do I do about the dead nurse that I found in the shower tray this morning - I guess it's back to the Barbie . . . http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/confused.gif

[This message has been edited by ExSimGuy (edited 07 June 2001).]

tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 21:35
That is most unusual Mr Exe, it has been Draper's experience, that people who's name begins with, contains, or ends with Abu or Abdul tend to have great expertise with sand in all its forms.
Hmmm, one hesitates to advise you on this Mr Exe, Draper not wishing to appear racist, but if you have need of construction work on your property in the future, you can do no better than employ a member of the Irish race
As well as being great philosophers and poets, and splendid drinking companions, they have a genetic predisposition for this type of task, they are all skilled at digging foundation, wielding pick and shovel with great alacrity, and are famed for their ability to mix all known types of aggregate.
As for your Coy problem again Draper is at a loss, ones only experience with the carp family was the posession of a small gold fish when one was a young sprog, this was a singularly inert creature who inhabited a small bowl,he seemed to derive much pleasure from endlessly orbiting his recepical,he was supprisingly low maintainence only requiring a handfull of ant eggs to be flung to him occasionly, and the water to be topped up when he had drunk it all.

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 07 June 2001).]

Celtic Emerald
7th Jun 2001, 22:33

Absolutely hilarious.

You're pad sounds like Faulty Towers LOL & that's coming from a fellow pond owner (must be cause it was done by an Irish man, not that I would like to appear racist or anything) I hope you found it in yourself to show that builder from hell the Christian charity you're famed for :)

As for the corpse just feed it to the pets or sell it to the butcher as prime meat cuts, easy

Emerald http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif

7th Jun 2001, 22:53
Bl00dy Carp - you wouldn't believe the reggubs! The "Water gardening for Beginners" book (Dorling Kindersley, ISBN 0-7513-0304-6, 25 quid but bought for me by a - failed - suitor for my daughter but that's another storey) said "buy water lillies, they oxygenate the pond, consume minerals so stopping green algae, and provide shade for the fish when it's sunny" (it always is here - and the water's always green)

What happens? I buy 3 lovely water lilly plants, stick them in the pond, and the fish say "Ahh! Salad!!" and eat the reggubs http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

I know all about the "Paddies" and concrete, having spent many years married to one whose family were "into concrete". Aazing though, how when a new patio was required at "ESG Mansions", the brothers-in-law all vanished into the woodwork and the Brit had to do the job on his own http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/confused.gif

As for "Abu" - don't worry Celtic, I read the bit about "turning the other cheek" and that didn't seem to apply. so read again and found the bit about "walking the extra mile" and hired a cement mixer to deposit a full load thru his front window - that'll teach him about mix ratios http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif

7th Jun 2001, 22:57
As for the corpse? (back to the original subject :) ) You just wouldn't believe what the wild cats around here are like when you throw a bit of meat on few bones onto the lawn ;) . ;)

[This message has been edited by ExSimGuy (edited 07 June 2001).]

Mac the Knife
7th Jun 2001, 23:04
Dismembering is darn hard work - adult human bone is far harder to cut than wood. A bandsaw (watch your fingers!) makes it quick and easy. Fiddly to clean though.

Good luck.

tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 23:12
Earthquakes! wildcats!, good grief Mr Exe,upon which quarter of the globe do you dwell.
PS,Mr Exe, Draper is known to be somewhat eccentric, but a nutter!, you judge poor Draper harshly. :)

PPS, Have read your profile, one needs information for solicitor and such, did you perchance work for Rediffusion Mr Exe.??

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 07 June 2001).]

7th Jun 2001, 23:36
M'sieu Draper,

Earthquakes - only minor, we get the faintest echoes from Iran up to the North of us.

Wildcats - no, I said "Wild Cats" (even more wild when I switch on the lawn irrigation when they're sleeping on my seed-beds :) )

Eccentric/nutter - "same-same"

That lot in Crawley - no, I was in Lancing with "the other lot" until I went to work for "The Corporation" at Cranebank. (took "payoff" during the big "voluntary redundancy")

As for the energy required to cut up the corpses - "you ain't seen the activities of the cats on this compound" - they elevate "vermin" to an art form. When anyone lights up charcoal, they are around by the hundred; some people throw rocks, but I have my lawn sprinklers adjusted to spray the perimeter and now they associate the smell of charcoal at my place with "rain" - and they hate showers
"Through hardships to the Bars"

tony draper
7th Jun 2001, 23:49
Not so Mr Exe, he difference between eccenricity and lunacy is having a million in the bank, so I guess I fall somewhere in between,possibly more toward the lunacy side finacialy anyway.
Re, Reddifusion, I worked for them for many years, still do but on a freelance basis now,not the simulator div though.

7th Jun 2001, 23:59
Life was so much simpler when living next to an erupting volcano, and you were good mates with the Volcano Observatory helo driver...

Breeding Per Dementia Unto Something Jolly Big, Toodle-pip

8th Jun 2001, 01:18
Wow! What thoughtful scenarios ...

I myself though, recovering from the aching head, would rather just call in the pro's, (take a few Tylenol's and go back to bed ...)


Of course in this way you do not worry about such trifles as whether or not you actually did it or not hehe ...



[This message has been edited by RW-1 (edited 07 June 2001).]

spud's on the job
8th Jun 2001, 02:16
hire yourself one of those tree shredders, the ones that you feed tree branches in one end and bark chips come ot the other, take to your local pig farm and shred away, pigs will eat the 'chippings' in no time at all

8th Jun 2001, 09:10

Remove her from the bath, sit her in the front room with a tape player continuously playing a tape of inane drivel and once a week, douse her in cheap perfume.

Hey Presto................You can pass her off as your wife of 8 years.

I'm not cynical. It's just that everything is [email protected]

Tartan Gannet
9th Jun 2001, 12:34
I hate to be a boring fart, (why change the habits of a lifetime I hear many of you say), but I understand that there is no need to find an actual body to be charged with murder. Prehaps one of the Legal Eagles could explain, say Davaar or Id Rather or Flying Lawyer, or an ex Policeman such as Duncan Mac. I understand that Haigh was executed having been found guilty of murder although he thought wrongly that having destroyed the corpses they could not convict him. He also thought that the acid bath would remove all traces but even the primitive forensic science of 50 years ago caught him out so there would be no hiding place with modern DNA and electron microscope technology.

I have never had to dispose of a human corpse and hope I never have to but I understand it is bloody difficult to do so without trace. Too much blood and other fluids, too many chances of small pieces of tissue etc being dispersed over the area and cross contamination with your own DNA etc "The Theory of Interchange" . I feel that the use of an industrial mincer or log cruncher and feeding the remains to dogs or pigs would be the best attempt or incineration in a very high temperature furnace , but that of course assumes assistance and access to such facilities.

I cant envisage being in such a situation myself so cant say how I would react.

9th Jun 2001, 19:44

The cats around my place leave no trace of anything I leave out for them (or anything I just "leave out" and don't stand guard over - like meat of the BBQ while I go inside to make the salad!)

Notso Fantastic
9th Jun 2001, 21:56
So what are you going to say when the gang of medical students taking the stiff out on her very last outing that you met last night and forgot all about, turn up to pick up said stiff and find her in 30 pieces and in frozen solid chunk form with you sweating holding a bandsaw? They're gonna think you a bit weird!

10th Jun 2001, 00:13
It's easy.

Roll her up in the carpet and put her out the back of the house or in the garden shed.

Order a new fitted carpet. When the carpet van arrives, let them get started on fitting the new one, then nip out the back. Put the old carpet plus contents in that tube thing on top of the carpet fitter's van.

It's now his problem. He won't even realise until he tries to put tomorrow's carpet in there.


tony draper
10th Jun 2001, 00:36
Hmmm, Again, look to simplicity, none of you chaps seem to be gifted with a criminal mind
such as wot Draper's got.
Remove mains lead to TV unscrew plug top, slacken and pull out neutral(blue)and earth (green and yellow stripe),
Carefully dry and dress the late lady in her kit, drape corpse over TV,wrap finger's around metal aerial plug, at rear of TV,plug thirteen amp back into power socket,switch power on,extreme caution must be exercised here, do not under any circumstances, give your deceased friend a final peck on the cheek or anything foolish like that.
Call ambulance , when men in high visibility jackets arrive, howl wring hands shout "oh woe is me", overacting is the main danger here.
Warning under no circumstances try this at home, especialy when going on holiday you may kill stone dead a poor burgler,liberating your TV, it has been my experience that a burgler when removing your tv will tend to reach behind and pull out aerial plug before yanking out the main's.
Draper not wishing to attract the attention of the authorities,has omited one vital step in the above instructions, so those of you who are not eletricly illiterate, yes Draper knows that.
Were Draper to publish the correct sequence of steps for this lethal burgler trap, the crime figures would plummet.
Alas, scragging scallywags is frowned upon in this realm.

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 09 June 2001).]

Celtic Emerald
10th Jun 2001, 12:03

I'm sure you're right, that the lack of a body with today’s forensic science does not mean that all the evidence will be sufficiently destroyed & a conviction can be secured IF the police have a link between the victim & murderer in the first place. The problem is when there is no obvious link or lead for the police to follow. Then a body is vital for evidence and without one it can be very difficult to trace the murderer if all other leads fail. Alot of women who've disappeared in Dublin & the environs presumed murdered have never been found because there are miles of wilderness in the mountains to dispose of the bodies one or two of which come to light eventually because of ground subsidance etc. Most of these murders have never been solved though there are suspicions about the culprit of some of them but no hard evidence (he's serving time for another crime, thank God). They always say that if Fred & Rosemary West had a dumping ground like the Dublin mountains on their doorstep their crimes might never have come to light.

There was one case in Dublin where a lady was raped & murdered in the dead of winter in a park but it took a long time for the body to be found. The police asked for all men in the vicinity between certain ages to provide DNA samples. The unfortunate murderer had read a book saying after a given period all evidence linking him to the rape would disappear but he hadn’t reckoned on the cold weather which preserved the evidence for longer so he went like a lamb to the slaughter, provided his DNA & was convicted.

So the moral of the story is if you’ve screwed said corpse (before it became a corpse hopefully http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif ) make sure you make a bloody good job of disposing it that goes for as well if you’ve engaged in any love biting ( they can track you by your bite marks) & if no-one can connect you to the victim you may be on a winner. :) Sorry just trying to be helpful that’s all. Gawd I’m good http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif


12th Jun 2001, 01:12
Girls --
Just keep lying there pretending to be dead. What goes around.....

12th Jun 2001, 01:48
I have personally had to deal with five corpses to date, and I don't intend to make it six.

Spud's on the job's method with the bark shredder sounds good, but I can assure you it isn't. I tried this on number two, to avoid a long drive, and the thing jams up incredibly quickly. You still have to partially dismember in any event. The first arm I fed in jammed up the blades by the wrist. Flesh is remarkably 'sticky' as I am sure Mac the Knife will attest.

By far the best way to is to take the body, intact, to a suitable dumping ground. In all cases I have used a long, long drop in Cornwall.

I agree that a body is not required for a conviction, but I make sure that there is no connection between the body and me before I get to work.

You can be a bit stuck if the girl in the bath is familiar, but as long as there isn't loads of blood, any forensics will just show she was in the flat. So what? Just another hostie for the night, officer!

Two things: Firstly, and most importantly, do it all with confidence. Don't carry the covered body as if it is a body! If you meet the next door neighbour, stop for a chat. If you do get knobbled you don't want the "he seemed a bit strange" routine. You want the "nice chap, perfectly normal" speech. Secondly, you will feel as if you are somehow separate from yourself throughout the whole affair. You will feel it is all happening to someone else. This is when you are most vulnerable. Don't worry, it gets much easier after the first one.

And at the risk of repeating myself, confidence, confidence, confidence!

Tricky Woo
12th Jun 2001, 12:44
Hmm. There are loads of great suggestions here, although I have to concede that Gerund is the only one speaking (Typing?) from experience.

I think that under the circumstances, it might be prudent to practice with something less incriminating: perhaps the neighbour's pet cat? If it doesn't work out then there are loads and loads of cats and dogs around here. I reckon that after practicing with a few dozen pets I'll be ready for the 'real thing'.

Wish me luck, folks.


12th Jun 2001, 23:36
Tartan Gannett

You are quite correct, you do not need a body to found a murder conviction but you do need some evidence to connect you with the disappearance of the victim/motive etc.
I'm interested to know why you think Flying Lawyer could assist with this topic? I used to share a flat with him. Met plenty of women in/going to/coming from the bathroom in the morning but all seemed pretty much alive - although thinking about it one or two were a bit breathless (sorry T**** if you read this but the truth will out unless you have a good brief).

Send Clowns
13th Jun 2001, 02:50
Was therre not a link posted recently to a site offering the kind of disposal service required here?

'Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air'

13th Jun 2001, 03:37
Send Clowns -

Are you crazy? I have got away with it five times already. I seriously doubt I would have done if I had involved a third party.

I sleep easy at night; and only occasionally have nightmares. No more than the average I would wager, although they might be a bit more unpleasant.

Obviously this is an opinion thing, but I really don't like the idea of someone else being involved. The DIY option has done me proud.

13th Jun 2001, 13:09

You should expect the dawn raid any day now. You have got away with it for too long. Five is plain greedy.

13th Jun 2001, 13:55
A combination of two earlier posts nearly worked for a guy in the US (but for some luck and some outstanding forensic work) as follows:
a. freeze the corpse
b. chop up with chainsaw
c. feed through shredder (into a lake)
(sorry about spelling- new browser/OS combination)

[This message has been edited by cribble (edited 13 June 2001).]

Tricky Woo
13th Jun 2001, 17:06
[F**k Off TG=On]
I thought that a progress report would be in order: I decided that tony draper's dustbin approach might be of use to me.

As I've already stated, I felt that a period of practice with the neighbours pets might save me some embarrassment in the future. With this in mind, I nicked my neighbours gerbil, cage and all.

After killing the said gerbil in the most humane of manners, (I'm nothing if not a nice guy), I cut it into pieces and disposed of it in the bin. In order to tidy any evidence, I cut up the cage with a pair of pliers and chucked that as well. The wheel was a bit of a sod, but I got there in the end.

The result? Success, although my pliers will never be the same.

Thus emboldened, I went for neighbour's cat. Quite a menagerie, this Swiss neighbour of mine. My first observation is that a disassembled cat makes a far bigger puddle of goo on the kitchen table. Still, I laboured on. All went well until the dustbin man returned with my bin bag complaining that there were pieces of cat in there! Apparently, the Swiss have strict rules about what you're allowed to put in a bin. They are extremely pedantic about separating paper from metal, etc, etc. Said bin man heard the bell from the cat's collar, figured there was some metal in there, and the game was up.

Thank God it was only a practice run, eh? Could you imagine if it had been parts of a girl? I might have been fined for contravening the Swiss Recycling laws or something.

Attention to detail is very important. I know that now.

[F**k Off TG=Still On]

13th Jun 2001, 17:17
I think the moral of this thread is don't what ever you do go for a drink with Tricky Woo. I think you might be safe with Gerund as he's decided not to go for No.6 - though 69 might tempt him ;)

How do you explain to a caterpillar that it can become a butterfly, and will, regardless of its current belief system.

I Am Ugly
13th Jun 2001, 21:58
One word of caution,
Make sure she really is dead.

If you were out on the juice last night, what is to say she wasn't.

I know of a man who after a few (Well more than a few) drinks passes out and untill awoken by some divine force about 6 hours later, he could easily be mistaken for a corpse.

Celtic Emerald
13th Jun 2001, 22:26
I've a couple of men's chopped up remains in my wardrobe, in my fridge and under the floorboards, ex-bo's actually. There great for when I run out of food or my hot water bottle bursts.

They don't call me Jeffrina Dahmer for nothin ya's know :)


Evening Star
14th Jun 2001, 00:22
I am with Traveler on this one, all that chopping up is going to take time and trouble. Better to dump the body in some murky water. However, before you dump the body wrap it in chicken wire to avoid any decomposing bits detaching and inconviently floating to the surface. And an estuary would be better than the local lake, no matter how grubby the water in the lake, as more hungry fish.

Another point TW, sober up first. Would not be a wise idea to get done for drunk driving with a body in the boot now would it?

Tricky Woo
17th Jun 2001, 12:01
Hi All,

Thank's for the not quite timely reminder: always check that the corpse is really dead. Unfortunately, I've just learned that lesson the hard way.

Unbowed by the failure of the 'dustbin method', I decided to give it another go. As you can imagine, I felt that my neighbour had lost enough pets for one week, so I decided to pick on the withered old haus-frau who lives below me.

As luck would have it, the old dear owned a cockatoo. While I admire the ability of some avian species to 'talk', this particular heap of white feathers has learned the art of wolf-whistling loudly at female passers-by. Please believe me, the novelty wears off after a week or two.

To cut a long story short, I bird-napped the sexist little f**ker.

Being a nice chap, I decided to put the little rascal 'to sleep'. I popped it into the oven with the gas full on. Unfortunately, I was thwarted by modern technology: the gas cut itself off after a moment or two due to the thermostat thingy not being triggered. I popped open the oven door to retrieve the bird.

Half an hour later, I managed to catch the cockatoo from amidst my feather-strewn kitchen cabinets. Mental note: cockatoos seem to be claustrophobic.

After a lot of thought, I decided to drown it. I'd read that most sailors believe drowning to be a surprisingly pleasant death. A few moments later, I had a dead bird on my worktop with water dripping on my carpet.

I then logged onto PPRuNe to decided which recommended disposal technique I should try this time.

Imagine my surprise when I felt two claws dig into my scalp, and a soggy head and beak combination attack my nose. I was too confused to adequately defend myself, let me tell you.

As I watched the only read-headed cockatoo in Zuerich fly out of my window, I reflected on this experience, I made one or two mental notes: Cockatoos are truly the Captain Scarlets of the avian world; Use a cleaver next time.

Herr Doctor says the funny bandage can be removed in a few weeks time. As I finshed this post, I heard a wolf-whistle from downstairs. Evil little f**ker.

17th Jun 2001, 12:28
Chicken wire ! Good point Evening Star.
I hadn't thought of that. Might try that next time.
Curious though if you find that excluding the bigger animals in this scenario lengthens the possible exposure period. I'm also slightly concerned with the long term effects. Say a year later they find either some natural looking stones, a sad piece of rope and some scattered female bones. Or an intact female skeleton, wrapped in chicken wire attached to some natural looking stones. Wonder if the latter scenario would spark the forensic investigation process even sooner. Your experiences ?

17th Jun 2001, 13:48
So I laid the question before the misses. (since she knows all).
First reaction, sorta what you'd expect, get a good lawyer it might have been an accident.
Than she ponders a second and the truly devious female mind takes over.
"set up your enemy"
If you choose to bury her in his back yard make sure you use his shovel and wear plastic around your shoes. It is amazing what they can trace these days. Also be sure he is not on vacation.
If you put her in the trunk of his car make sure there are no signs of forcible entry, e.g. get his keys.
Or strap her in the passenger seat of his car. Go to the place where you're going to drive into the canal. Brake to make some skid marks first. Then get the car in the water and leave the driver seat wide open. Maybe some markings where he would have climbed out of the water or rolled out of the car before it hit.

If your feud is so obvious that you find her in your back yard the next night you obviously made the wrong choice. Than the only remaining option is to take the bite size pieces on an early morning fishing trip and feed it to the sharks. But only with the male population would this feud be so obvious. The females are much better in selecting an appropriate candidate. (be very afraid !)

17th Jun 2001, 15:26
Smuggle her into the airport, hide her in the wheel bay then when the plane lands and she drops out everyone will think she's an illegal immigrant. Problem solved.

Mac the Knife
17th Jun 2001, 19:57
What was that Billy Connolly sketch? He buries his wife in the shed but leaves her bum sticking out. Coppers come round and not unexpectedly find her and arrest him.

"Why on earth did you leave her a*rse out?"
"Urrr.. I needed somewhere to park me bike..."

Co ordination unaffected
17th Jun 2001, 20:11
Chop her up, freeze her, and get hold of a hungry dog. Strong canvas bags with bricks in, combined with night time cross channel ferry journeys are a handy way of getting rid of embarrasing identifiable bits.


Look for a road under construction, find a bit which is due to be tarred over in the VERY near future, scrape away about a foot of the base material, place the corpse in the trench, cover it up and leave it all looking as it did before you arrived.

Or so I'm told

What do you mean she won't fit in a foot deep hole, how much did you have to drink?

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

17th Jun 2001, 20:29
The best place is also the most obvious.

Keep an eye on your local graveyard. They always dig new graves the day before the burial, leaving them unattended overnight.

Simply sneak your victim in before the intended occupant arrives the following day. Saves all that nasty mincing stuff.


Tricky Woo
17th Jun 2001, 21:46
I've just noticed that Zuerich Zoo is a mere tram ride away. I'll keep you posted. Any more trouble like the last time and I'll start practicing with the real thing.


tony draper
17th Jun 2001, 21:54
The lady must be getting a little high by now Mr W.
Procrastination is the thief of time. ;)

18th Jun 2001, 02:29
ShyTorque, excellent idea !!

18th Jun 2001, 02:41
Tricky, I've discussed your problem with a few builders, and apparently it's not that unusual for them to come across skellingtons hidden under the floorboards.
Do they call the police? Do they fck! Straight in the skip with 8 tons of bricks. Who needs Quincy farting around when there's a flat to be converted by next week?

Evening Star
19th Jun 2001, 11:41

No, the chicken wire is just the thing. You see, after the fish have had their feed the chicken wire rusts and the tides disperse the bones. That is why it is important that TW dumps the body in an estuary.