View Full Version : Joke time

27th Oct 2001, 11:16
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"


Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in
Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the
aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the
truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely
slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised
punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below
zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just
what are you going to do to punish me?"

27th Oct 2001, 11:46
A piece of string wanders in to a corner bar for a few drinks, after a while he gets pretty wound up and starts yelling at the other patrons, eventually the bartender has enough and forcibly removes the piece of string from his establishment.
The next night the piece of string returns to the bar, still twisted up and tattered from the previous night and bellies up to the bar for a drink, the bartender says " hey, ain't you that piece of string I threw out of here last night?", "no" replies the string....."I'm a frayed knot".

27th Oct 2001, 12:07
Confucious say...

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

:D :D

27th Oct 2001, 13:21

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

27th Oct 2001, 13:59
Cargorat2: You missed my all time favorite Confucius saying:

Woman who fly inverted has honerable crack-up

27th Oct 2001, 14:18
Found some more Confucious;

- Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring have offspring next spring.
- Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
- Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
- When lady says no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady
- Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills
- Women fake orgasm, Men fake foreplay.

28th Oct 2001, 15:18
In the states new rules will require airlines to tell passengers exactly why a plane is late taking off.
"Ladies and Gentlemen we'll be taking off in about 45 minutes. We're just getting a few more coffees in to our pilot to sober him up..." :p

28th Oct 2001, 21:46
Subject: ANOTHER VIRUS ALERT....read carefully!

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY.
do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair hair-removing cream and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy / girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with wholemilk.

********* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ********

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone.......

In case you are a blonde, THIS IS A JOKE.

Now, don't you feel better...

28th Oct 2001, 22:31
Sorry, what was that about blondes?

30th Oct 2001, 00:55
Confucious also say:

"Man who goes to bed with itchy arse, wake up with smelly finger!"

"Man who goes to bed with problem in hand, wake up with solution on chest!"

30th Oct 2001, 05:43

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking on my cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a **** where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your @rse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch that's impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it up your @rse.

Male: Would you like to dance?
Female: I'd rather die.
Male: I think you misheard me. I said your @rse looks fat in those pants.

30th Oct 2001, 07:10
A woman walked into a shop that sold Persian rugs. She saw one she liked, and as she bent over to feel the texture, she let lose a real ripper. She straightened up and looked around sheepishly, only to see a salesman approaching. Deciding to bluff it out she asked, "Could you tell me the price of this one?"
"Lady", the salesman replied, "If you farted when you touched that thing, you'll s**t yer pants when I tell you the price!"

Two smartass technicians were motoring around in the country one afternoon, when they spied an old gentleman sitting on his front porch, a chaw of tobacco in his cheek and his feet up on the railing. The two decided to have a little fun with the old guy, so they drove into the yard, and got out of their car. After exchanging a few pleasantries, they asked the gentleman if he cared to discuss aerospace technology. The old guy thought a second, let lose a squirt of tobacco juice and reckoned he could do that if only he could ask a couple of questions first. This was agreeable to our two smarties, so they told him to fire away.
"You see those two animals in that field over there", he asked, "That cow and that sheep?"
"Yes," they both nodded.
"Well, how come that both those animals are in the same field, eating the same grass, but when the cow craps it's a great big flop and when the sheep craps it's a little button?" the oldster asked.
The two smarties allowed that they had no idea.
"Well," said the old guy, "If you don't know s**t, how do you expect to discuss aerospace technology?"

30th Oct 2001, 11:40
Year 2055 Headlines

1. Florida is finally re-admitted to the union.

2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.

3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President.

4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Nursing home event... Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.

6. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped.

9. Authentic year 2000 "CHAD" sells at Sotheby's for 9.6 million.

10. Ozone created by Electric Cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

30th Oct 2001, 23:26
Two builders (Bob and Jim) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about
the occupation of the suit.

Bob: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Jim: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Bob: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Bob and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he
sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
beers get the better of the builder ...

Bob: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Bob: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at

Bob: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Bob: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Bob: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Bob: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?

Bob: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Bob:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?

Bob: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Bob: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and
your sex life!

Bob: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the
toilet and Bob returns to his mate.

Jim: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Bob: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Jim: - What's that then?

Bob: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Jim: - Nope

Bob: - Well then, you're a [email protected]

[ 30 October 2001: Message edited by: sanjosebaz ]

31st Oct 2001, 20:59
With apologies to all Liver Birds! Don't shoot me, I'm just the forwarder :eek:

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to
make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is
a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are
Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:
"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Sheffield Wednesday fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Wednesday fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Sheffield, and my mum is a Wednesday fan and my dad is a Wednesday fan, so I'm a Wednesday fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Wednesday fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

3rd Nov 2001, 12:06
Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the
local carnival. She said, "Yes." At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag of M&M's for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M's. She said,"Yes but,
don't eat too many -- it's almost dinner." She poured a small amount into his hand. Johnny tipped his head back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M's. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand.

Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time. Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,"Johnny, what are you doing?" Johnny replies,"I'm playing truck driver."
She says,"Truck driver? Can you explain?" Johnny says,"Yes, I'm popping pills, eating pussy,and driving like hell!"

3rd Nov 2001, 12:41
Can an empty soup bowl be considered as, a broth of fresh air? :)

3rd Nov 2001, 12:44

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Herc Jerk
4th Nov 2001, 04:07
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day thekids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Robert Cooper
4th Nov 2001, 08:41
A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase one. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day, the Racing Sheets carried this headline:


The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time it won. The paper said:


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter his donkey in any more races. The Racing Sheets printed this headline:


This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave it to a nun in the nearby convent. Next day the headline read:


The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper stated:


They buried the Bishop the next day.


henry crun
4th Nov 2001, 09:39
A schoolgirl goes into a pub and asks for a large bottle of coke and a packet of crisps.

The barmen asked her if she could pay for them, and she said yes as she emptied a big bag of coins on the counter.

"How does a girl like you come to have such a lot of money" asks the barmen.
The girl replied " I get it from winning bets with men".
The barman was intrigued so he asked her what sort of bets she won, and the girl said that she bet men she could pee higher up a wall than they could.

The barman sees a chance to relieve the girl of her money so he makes a bet with her and they go out the back of the pub to a wall.
The girl went first and by bending over backwards hit the wall about three feet from the ground.

The barman thinks "this is going to be easy" so he unzips, takes hold of his willie and is about to let fly when the girl said
" Oh no, no hands !"

Robert Cooper
4th Nov 2001, 10:46
The club Pro had been trying to teach the young lady how to hit a golf ball all morning, and was beginning to get a little exasperated. He had shown her different grips, different stances, different clubs, but still she could not hit the ball straight down the green. After four hours she was still slicing and chopping the ball.

In desperation, just before her lesson was due to end, he said:

"Imagine it's Friday night, and you have hold of your boy friend's dick - now hit the ball!!

She did, and it went as clean as a whistle right dopwn the center of the fairway.

"Hey, that's great" said the pro, "you finally got the hang of it". "Now, take the golf club out of your mouth......"


5th Nov 2001, 03:19
Fly Boy.

An American Indian walks into a bar -- shotgun in one hand, bucket of outhouse effluent in the other, and a cat trailing behind him. He sets the bucket and the shotgun down and slaps the bar while saying, "Gimme beer!"

The Bartender pours a large ice-cold mug and slings it down the bar. The Indian grabs the mug, hoists it in the air and downs the whole thing in one gulp. Then he reaches down, grabs the bucket and tosses it into the air.

Like lightning, he grabs the shotgun, aims and fires, blowing the bucket into pieces. At that point, the cat takes off running out the front door of the bar. Immediately, the Indian takes off after the cat, and they both disappear into the distance.

Four days later, the Indian walks into the bar -- shotgun in one hand, bucket of outhouse effluent in the other, and a cat trailing behind him. He sets the bucket and the shotgun down and slaps the bar saying, "Gimme beer!"

Bartender says, "Wait a minute. I haven't finished cleaning up from the last time you were in here! What's this all about?" Indian says, "Me in Flight Training!"

Bartenders says, "So, what's that got to do with the ruckus you raised the last time you were in here?" "Me practice to be military flyer -- drink beer, shoot **** , chase pussy, gone four days!"

5th Nov 2001, 05:43
An older Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. They are very much in love, but no matter what the man does sexually, his wife is unable to achieve orgasm. Since a Jewish woman is required to be sexually satisfied, they take their problem to the rabbi.

The rabbi thinks awhile, strokes his beard and suggests that they hire a strapping young man to wave a towel over them the next time they make love. "That will make your wife fantasize," he says, "and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and the next time they make love, the young man stands over them waving a towel. Still no orgasm, so they go back to the rabbi.

The rabbi thinks a second, and then suggests the situation be reversed. The young man should make love to the wife, and the husband wave the towel.

Once again they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home, get into bed and young man begins to make enthusiastic love to the wife while the husband waves the towel. In no time, the wife has a screaming, earth shaking orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the youg man and says triumphantly, "Now that's the way to wave a towel!" :p

5th Nov 2001, 06:19
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned
on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids.

5th Nov 2001, 06:30

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

We have no time to train you.

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

We have no quality control.

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

5th Nov 2001, 06:38
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

5th Nov 2001, 06:48

10. They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.

9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and lose papers in the cab.

7. It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

3. Top speed is approximately 45 mph.

2. Who wants to steal a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?

1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

5th Nov 2001, 06:54
You Know You've Had Enough Time On The Computer

1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!"

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.

18. "Where did the time go?"

19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

5th Nov 2001, 06:58
Blonde Cook Book

It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

5th Nov 2001, 07:11
Someone left the zebra's cage open in the middle of the night and he escaped and ran away to a local farm.

Early the next morning, he approached an old hen, saying,

"What do you do around here?"

The hen replied, "I lay eggs for the farmer's breakfast."

The zebra walked over to the cow, asking, "What do you do?"

The cow replied, "I give milk for the farmer's breakfast."

The zebra then spied an enormous bull and asked the same question.

The bull looked at the zebra with a quizzical smile and said, "Take off those silly pajamas and I'll show you what I do around here."

5th Nov 2001, 07:17
A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave.

Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"

"Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

5th Nov 2001, 07:24
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.

"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"

"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

5th Nov 2001, 07:29
Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

5th Nov 2001, 07:33
At a funeral parlor the wakes for three gay men were being held simultaneously. Their boyrfriends happened to be at the funeral parlor at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes once their loved ones had been cremated.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of hot chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

5th Nov 2001, 07:41

25- Boldly going nowhere.
24- Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
23- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
22- CATS -- The other white meat.
21- Don't be sexist -- broads hate that.
20- I'm an imbecile and I vote.
19- Money Isn't Everything... But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
18- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
17- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me, not you!
16- Don't **** me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
15- Save Your Breath...you'll need it to blow up your date!
14- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
13- Grow your own dope, plant a man.
12- All men are animals, some just make better pets.
11- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
10- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
9- I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
8- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7- All men are idiots... I married their King.
6- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
5- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
4- Out of my mind... back in five minutes.
3- Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
2- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
1- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

5th Nov 2001, 07:46
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug
consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, thattheyshould try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.It was therefore
decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"


5th Nov 2001, 07:50
Grading Exams: The Inside Story

For those returning to school, here is an inside look at how professors grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are fitted to a normal curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Theology:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A when they really deserve an F.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). Tone-deaf students fail.

5th Nov 2001, 07:58
The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have
some good news and some bad news."
Linda asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Linda asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's
no cure for being a natural bitch."

5th Nov 2001, 08:03
You Are Not In College Anymore If:

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirt is 'casual' instead of dress up.

The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.

It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

Three words: Student Loan Payments.

THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey;
NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

Your salary is less than your tuition.

Your potted plants stay alive.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

5th Nov 2001, 08:09
19 Things NOT to say to the police officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

5th Nov 2001, 08:17
This is a specially-formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss

The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family -size Supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"

5th Nov 2001, 08:22

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."


1. ".... in Jesus' name. Amen."

5th Nov 2001, 08:28
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a lose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

5th Nov 2001, 08:34
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea interval staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

6th Nov 2001, 02:07
The Five Kinds of Sex.....

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage. You'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

6th Nov 2001, 02:21
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When....

* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
... You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

6th Nov 2001, 02:33
Ding sweetie,

hmmmm, a bit-o-time to post lately eh? :D

Yours forever,

6th Nov 2001, 02:34
New Vocabulary Words

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

6) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

7) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

8) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

9) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

6th Nov 2001, 02:38
RW-1 dear
not much else to do
are you really mine forever? :p

6th Nov 2001, 02:49
Pick-Me Up Lines

You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?

Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?

There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

At last! I finally found the perfect girl!

A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.

Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If I follow you home, will you keep me?

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

If love is the answer...can you repeat the question?

I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?

Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.

I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?

But you're so *cute* when you blush!

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.

Please be patient--this is my first time.

May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.

Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.

Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.

A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.

A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.

I only like two kinds of girls--domestic and imported.

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!

I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.

Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?

Be good and you'll be lonely.

The best things in life are ME!

6th Nov 2001, 03:02

1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 40 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9) "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket."

10) "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

6th Nov 2001, 03:15
















6th Nov 2001, 04:02
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damned checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon,sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen , damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!!!"
"I'm very sorry sir, we do not tolerate that kind of language here." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her
They both return and the manger asks the old
geezer," what seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem mit !" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the lottery and I want to open a damn checking
account in this damn bank!"...

... "I see" says the manager "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Dave Incognito
6th Nov 2001, 12:18
"Today Class", said the teacher, "we are going to learn all about the word 'Contagious'. Can anyone give me a sentence with the word Contagious in it"?

Little Johnny at the back of the class immediately sticks his hand up but is as usual ignored by the teacher.

"Yes Sarah, go ahead"

"My brother caught the measles and it was very contagious miss"

"Very good Sarah, anybody else"?

And so it continued with little Johnny getting more and more desperate to answer the question. In the end the teacher relents and says "OK Johnny, give me sentence with the word contagious in it then"

"Well", said Johnny, "The other day my dad and me were looking out of our kitchen window when we saw our next door neighbour painting his house with a 2 inch brush. My dad said it would take the contagious.


What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer????

A golfer goes "[WHACK] ... Oh **** !".

A skydiver goes "Oh **** ! ... [WHACK]

6th Nov 2001, 14:09
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coolly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. ONE, you have not studied your lesson. TWO, you have a dirty mind. And THREE, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Niaga Dessip
7th Nov 2001, 04:06
GOOD NEWS: The Irish have joined the war effort by sending over top special agent and bio-weapon specialist Linda Murphy in a bid to poison Mr. Bin Laden.

BAD NEWS: Confusion between anthrax and tampax - wrong c*nt poisoned! :eek:

7th Nov 2001, 12:53
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

12th Nov 2001, 17:36
Ding mate.

One more for the list.


In trim
18th Nov 2001, 16:51
Irish special forces have surrounded a department store in central Dublin after a tip-off that Bed Linen is on the second floor.

19th Nov 2001, 04:07
A huge Scouse bloke is sat at a bar. A beautiful young lady walks in and sits at the bar. She keeps looking at this muscly bloke and after a few drinks she plucks up the courage and goes over to him. She whispers in his ear, 'do you fancy a blow job?' The Scouse bloke stands up, punches her and throws her out of the bar. He comes back and carries on drinking. The landlord comes over and says to the scouse bloke, 'bloody hell mate that was a bit harsh, what did she say to you?'. The Scouse bloke replies, 'Oh, she said somethin about gettin a job'