View Full Version : How to complain in style

25th Oct 2001, 16:42
Now this guy really knows how to go off on one......

This letter was sent to NTL & is an absolute corker!!!
57 xxxx Street
xxxx xxx

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative,
and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect)so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all,I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music,and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website?. How?
I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35% these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who
are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off),that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone
who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to
the irritating Scottish robot woman. and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were **** , that they had attained the holy **** -pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - ******s though they are
- shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,
Yours psychotically,
Xxxx Xxxxxxx

Tricky Woo
25th Oct 2001, 16:48
This was posted about a week ago. Still, good to read it again.


25th Oct 2001, 16:54
Pure class. What an exellent letter !
Who ever wrote that is a genius :eek:

The Nr Fairy
25th Oct 2001, 17:49
I've got the "Declaration of Independence" one if people want me to post that . . .

25th Oct 2001, 17:59
Yes, please go ahead. Lost my copy... :(

Twin 1
25th Oct 2001, 18:13
I can whole hartedly agree with this guy.
I received NTL's service during a year at Uni. and the comments brought back similar memories. They really don’t have a clue and it was an appalling service.

:mad: :eek: :mad: