View Full Version : NTL Letter

18th Oct 2001, 21:10
He has a way with words...don't ya think!!!

57 xxxx Street
xxxx xxx

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My
initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website?. how? I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further
telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived
? a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I
estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%? these
are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and
most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my
telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your
no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety
of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to
the irritating Scottish robot woman. and several other variations on this

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were **** , that they had attained the holy **** -pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents
of the highest order. British Telecom - ******s though they are shine like
brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,
Yours psychotically,
Xxxx Xxxxxxx

Regards ______________________________

19th Oct 2001, 01:01
These are the same f*ckwits who bombard us with advertising, sponsored football strips on TV and unsolicited mail, only to be told that there's no cable up our street anyway. :rolleyes:

Mind you, it sounds like having a cable up your street doesn't help much !!

19th Oct 2001, 01:12
This is terrible. I was about to write to BT in almost exactly the same terms, and threaten to go to - guess who?

What can I take up to replace the Internet?

19th Oct 2001, 01:24
Wonderful. Where did you find it?

It's a good job we get letters like that, otherwise we'd think our service was perfect.

19th Oct 2001, 14:03
So he's not happy then?

Actually, from my own experience this could have been to any number of deserving recipients.

Such as Lloyds bank (who cancelled my payment and credit cards without advising me because some new cards that I didn't know about had arrived and had sat in some lazy $hit'$ in-tray for two weeks). First thing I knew was that the B&Q cashier called out on the tannoy for her supervisor and they told me together that attempting to use a cancelled card was fraud - in front of a gleeful queue of smirking locals.

BT, who, after I changed internet tariff, began charging me twice for access. When I complained and cancelled everything they kindly put me on a more expensive tariff and overcharged me even more for a service that I wasn't receiving. They apparently so much expected me to be happy about paying in advance for this pleasure that when I complained about that they cut off my outgoing telephone calls. When I complained about that they apologised, said it was their fault entirely, should never have happened - then cut me off completely.



19th Oct 2001, 14:03
This has been doing the rounds on the Web, I'm not sure if it's true or not, but I hope it doesn't turn into another 'Declaration of Independence'!!!

Edited for crass typo....

[ 19 October 2001: Message edited by: angels ]

19th Oct 2001, 14:33
BT Cellnet kindly sent me a notice that in order to 'improve' the service and to give me 'even more value' they were going to transfer me to a new tariff with the same number of free minutes for only 39.99 a month.....

My current tariff is 7.99 a month :rolleyes:

19th Oct 2001, 18:46
This is terrible. I was about to write to BT in almost exactly the same terms, and threaten to go to - guess who?

It's always worth threatening.

Just remember this (if genuine) is only one disgruntled customer. You never hear from the happy ones, of course. I'm sure there must be millions of them - at least I hope so.

Still, it gave me a giggle.

"guess who" employee

Mount Plessey
20th Oct 2001, 03:05
I now have given BT similar treatment TWICE over the phone, and switched to cable. First was to Telewest, and had no problems. Now I'm with NTL and they are absolute c**ts. When I subscribed, digital was "a few months away". Its now been 9 and no date is even planned to do the work. I hear Sky Digital is good and give cheap phone calls now too, so I think, NTL, now you've dishonoured your contract (be it verbal), F**K OFF, as thats what I'm about to do too, DD is cancelled (so try if you can to get any money, you'll never win)

21st Oct 2001, 04:04
I was with ntl for years (ex cable and wireless) and they f**ed me around something rotten. Really poor service etc until the day a mate of mine gave me a little black box that plugged into the back and suddenly everything was free, all of it, the sports/movies/adult channels, all free, so i downgraded to the bare-minimum package.... :) Done that for about 2 years or so.... :)

tony draper
21st Oct 2001, 04:18
Why did you leave Telewest Mr P, and no I don't work for them, best and cheapest bloody ISP in the UK, my only crib is the tech support line had some probs with my email, they're ok once you get thru but Jesus some of the queue times are crazy, one hour fifty minutes this morning. :(

PPRuNe Pop
22nd Oct 2001, 02:31
It's a crazy business this ISP one.

I have been with NTL since March and I have not had a moment when I can honestly say I have been the slightest bit dis-satisfied with the service. Irritated at being cut-off on OE yes, but never on IE.

I'm very happy with it. Funny that!