View Full Version : Embarrassing Best Man speeches

Stiff Lil' Fingers
30th May 2001, 22:48
Best Man's speeches...we've all heard them. They can be anywhere from coma-inducingly dull to pant-wettingly funny.

Last year I had the pleasure of experiencing a friend of mine's speech almost cause an physical altercation between the vicar and another guest.

So Ppruners, what's been the most embarrassing Best Man moment you've experienced?

Islander Jock
31st May 2001, 13:19
I wasn't best man but MC at my eldest nieces wedding about 6 years ago.
As the wedding party arrived after having all the photos taken I was to introduce the couples as they entered the reception. All was going well until the bride and groom entered and I introduced them as Mr & Mrs Curley (her maiden name). Quick piece of verbal tap dancing got me off the hook. Except with the other niece, also a bridesmaid who called me a ******** for the rest of the night.

[This message has been edited by Islander Jock (edited 31 May 2001).]

Bird Strike
31st May 2001, 15:30
Not an embarrassing best man speech, however my strapless bra's wire decided to dig right into my ribs during our wedding reception, so I had to lope off with my hubby, hide in the disabled dunny (because there's more space!) and undoing a very complicated bustier that took 20 minutes to put on. Obviously it took a rather long time to take it off, take the bra off and put the bustier back on.

The guests must have been thinking that we were so desparate to sh*g that we disappeared.

Oh well... :)

31st May 2001, 16:49
At my cousin's wedding the best man finished his speech with the usual salutation ' ..and let's raise our glasses and wish Ken and Anne a long and happy life together'.
This was followed by several seconds of embarrassed silence until he realised that this was Ken's second wedding and Anne was his first wife...
(He bought a round after that)


Lurk R
1st Jun 2001, 04:43
Quite the opposite. A mate was getting married and his best man had been his best mate for years. Unfortunately this guy is rather quiet and not very comfortable in front of an audience. The groom (Neil) is one of those characters who had been a riot all his life and was involved in no end of practical joking, sh it-stirring and no end of drunken revelry. All the rest of us were looking forward to the ultimate public roasting he truly deserved in front of everyone at the reception. So finally, Graham nervously staggers to the microphone.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've all known Neil and Bronwyn for a long time and we wish them all the best for the future".

That was it???? Was that the best you could do??? Ker-rist!!! A perfect opportunity to give the bugger an absolute bake and that was the best the Best Man could do!!!

Gee, a lot of us reckon Neil got out of that one lightly - in fact we think we now know why Graham was chosen as Best Man!!! :-(

1st Jun 2001, 07:26
Over the winter I was at a wedding where the toast at the end of the best man's hilarious speech was, "Keith, may your wedding night be like a great turkey dinner: a little leg, a little breast, and a WHOLE LOT OF STUFFING!"

Everyone under 50 burst out laughing, unfortunately the seniors didn't find it quite so. :)

Charlie Foxtrot India
1st Jun 2001, 18:50
From the funniest man alive, Rowan Atkinson:

Gerald: Do you have ever one of those days when everything seems to go wrong? I did, and unfortunately, it was my wedding day. And three men in particular were to brame. It all started with the priest.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife....well done. You may now kiss the bride.....Nice one. All right, please be seated everybody. I'd just like to say a few words before the communion. You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days, "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I tend to reply by telling them a little story about the first time I was asked that question. It was a couple of years ago, a young attractive bride to be came up to me after the service and asked me just that question. "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I replied, "Well, you know, Joanne, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!" And so, she showed me. And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" I always reply, "Well, you know, I'd like to tell you... but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!"

Gerald: Next, came my trusted best man.

Best man: Um, all right, er....right, well...huh-huh, huh-huh, right, erm... ladies and gentlemen, and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party.... how did those two girls get under the table and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste....? Er... er, right, well, erm... well, er... just before I left the house, huh-huh, erm, this afternoon, huh-huh, I said to myself, you know, the last thing you must do is forget your speech. Er... mmm, well, and sure enough, erm, when, erm, when I left the house... whoops! ha-ha, er... mm m, the last thing I did... ha-ha, yes, you guessed it, well, was to forget my speech. So, erm... so it's all ad lib, I'm afraid. Er... er, er, er, ... right, well, well, well, dear me, well now, now, when should I begin, haha-ha, I'd like to begin now. Huh-huh, er, right, well, well, well, I've known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight. And you know, he hasn't changed a bit. Erm, well, that's not quite true, of course. He didn't have his beard then, huh-huh, erm, and I'll tell you this, he wouldn't have been able to do whatever he was doing last night with those two extraordinary, extraordinary, erm, ... extraordinary how little people change, isn't it? Huh-huh, yes, erm... er, although, I know I changed a great deal because I used to be an absolute ass, always bleating things out when I shouldn't, for instance, this afternoon. I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to resist mentioning the bizarre sight that greeted my eyes when I opened this man's bedroom door earlier this morning, er... mmm. Yes, but, but, erm, enough of that, huh-huh, he started making gestures at me now, which I think, huh-huh, means he wants me to cut my speech short, erm. So, suffice to say that I'll think he'll make a ripping husband, erm... then, I think his wife, ripping, too. Huh-huh. And I can only hope that, that the dress will hold out, er, huh-huh, erm.... so, I'd like to propose a toast, erm, to go with the pate , huh-huh.... erm, huh-huh, to the groom and to his lovely horse, erm, wife, huh-huh. It's all, it's all starting to come back to me now, huh-huh, erm, And I just to know that their marriage will be as happy and satisfying as I was when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning.....cheers! Huh-huh....

Gerald: And finally, my loving father-in-law provided the perfect end to a perfect day.

Father-in-law: Ladies and gentlemen, and friends of my daughter. There comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid the for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I should like to take this opportunity, sloshed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin. As far as I'm concerned, my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible, wealthy, let's not deny it, well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband. And I therefore ask the question "Why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?"... because Gerald is a sort of man we used to describe at school as a complete prick! If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap (and I think they can) then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it. I think he's a sort of man people emigrate to avoid. I remember the first time I met Gerald, I said to my wife (she's the lovely woman propping of that old lush of a mother of his) either this man is suffering from serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaner's just arrived. As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals that I have ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to. I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog. I would like to propose a toast to the caterers. And to the pigeons who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church. Er....as for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can **** off. I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat.

Onya, Rowan!
But this extract doesn't have the father of the brides classicline "I would like to speak much as my wife SANG during the ceremony we have just......endured, with NO REAL NOTES."

As for embarrassing wedding moments...I couldn't get the ring onto IJ's finger much to the amusement of everybody!

[This message has been edited by Charlie Foxtrot India (edited 01 June 2001).]

Dan Winterland
2nd Jun 2001, 14:40
A mate went to a family wedding in Glasgow. This was from his wife's side, and a part of the family not normally acknowleged, apart from functions such as weddings.

The best man stood up, but was obviously three sheets to the wind and wasn't in the condition/mood to perform his carefully written speech, so just said,

"I've had the bride and her sister before, and I'd just like to say the groom has made the right choice".

3rd Jun 2001, 22:33
I'm getting married in two months. God help us all.. oh and thanks for the speech ideas... i'll pass them on.

4th Jun 2001, 14:51
having only tv for my knowledge is this department. i thought that pete's speech at adam and rachel's wedding in cold feet was pretty bad :)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.