PDA

View Full Version : In the style of Tommy Cooper


Readability5
10th Oct 2001, 20:58
These are the funniest jokes i've seen on email for a long time and definitely worthy of a wider audience......

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

[ 10 October 2001: Message edited by: Readability5 ]

VTOL
10th Oct 2001, 21:12
Just like that... :D

Loki
10th Oct 2001, 22:08
I slept like a log last night: I woke up in the fireplace.

ShyTorque
11th Oct 2001, 00:18
Excellent!

I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up screaming and this morning I'd wet the mattress.

ShyT :D

sanjosebaz
11th Oct 2001, 04:30
So I went to see a clairvoyant today. There was a sign on her door though - "Closed due to unforeseen circumstances"

ShyTorque
11th Oct 2001, 13:13
A man walked into a bar. "Ouch" he said. It was an iron bar.

A man walked into a bar with a dog. "What do you call the dog" asked the barman. "Blacksmith" said the man.
"Why do you call him that?" asked the barman.
So the man kicked the dog and it ran out. "There you are, it just made a bolt for the door".

Blame Tommy. :D

Biggles Flies Undone
11th Oct 2001, 14:18
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'


"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.


"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'


"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'


So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"


"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"


"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"


"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."


"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I went to the railway station and asked for a return ticket.
“Where to?” said the man.
“Back here of course” I replied.