View Full Version : Clapometer

Jungle Strip
19th May 2001, 20:38
In the light of important recent questions about the relative infectiousness of various airlines' hosties, I have carried out a survey among my pilot (i.e male) acquaintances. Results to date:

BA: Several bacteria detected, but unidentifiable owing to hitherto undiscovered garish colours


1 x syphilis
6 x gonorrhoea
21 x chlamydia
40 x Herpes
16 x unspecified nasty sores on dick
18 x unspecified nasty sores on everyone else
25.872 Genital warts

(and it is all being taken VERY seriously)

AMERICAN ; Tests impossible. Litigation too costly.

AIR CANADA: Several unpleasant things, all essentially DIFFERENT from anything caught in the United States

QANTAS ; Who cares, mate?

AIR NZ : One or two small viruses, but incredibly badly adapted to their environment and so protected because in danger of extinction

VIRGIN : Off the scale. Petri dishes turned bright red and exploded.

SAS: Nul points

AIR FRANCE: Spat in the general direction of the petri dishes...

5 x chlamydia
15 x herpes
and several mild je-ne-sais-pas

91 x herpes
106 x gonorrhoea
75 x chlamydia
HIV (off scale)

But only white people affected

OTHER AFRICAN AIRLINES: No risk. Permanently asleep.

6 x beluga
7 x potentilla
43 x mild precipitation
502 x severe carnation

Other results pending.........

And before anyone says it, No, I am NOT Gerund. In any form.


Mr. Perplexed
12th Jun 2001, 02:50
Thank you for the info JS. Most insightful. Now I guess I find myself with a compounded problem: It's been hard enough for me to find condoms **ahem** :) large enough for me. I have to go to a specialty store. :) http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/cool.gif

Now, with the results of your survey, it appears I would be prudent to use two (2) of them, "doubled up." during each encounter to assure a lower risk of transmission. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

It will now be akin to taking a shower wearing TWO pairs of socks! YUCK! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

Oh, to be settled down in a monogamous relationship with a faithful partner. I know, I must reacquaint myself with the real world! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

[This message has been edited by Mr. Perplexed (edited 11 June 2001).]

12th Jun 2001, 03:35
Mr. Perplexed...

Reminds me of an incident in the 50's in Russia. They had a severe rubber shortage at the time and were forced to order a massive supply of condoms from the US. The procurement committee, however, decided that they would not lose face to the Americans over this purchase and ordered 20,000 gross measuring 10" X 4".
The order was promptly filled and delivered with all the boxes marked medium.

12th Jun 2001, 10:58
Did you enquire if there were any cases of sheep scab with the kiwi's?