View Full Version : Urgent - Friday Jokes Required

7th Sep 2001, 12:31
For the last year or so I have been using the excellent supply of jokes in JB to enhance my reputation every Friday in my local. During the last week or so, despite fryingeggs valiant attempt to keep it going, this source seems to have dried up.

Come on chaps (and chapesses,)I am in danger of having to buy my own drinks. I desperately need more jokes - PLEEEEASE!

Golden Monkey
7th Sep 2001, 12:44
I will attempt to dig some up, however in the meantime (if you have any interest in football, and even if you don't) enjoy this, the undoubted headline of the year from Eurosport.

Headline of the Year (http://www.eurosport.com/News.asp?StoryID=102878&LangueID=0)

7th Sep 2001, 12:47

Superb - and me not even a footy fan.
:D :D :D :D :D

7th Sep 2001, 12:53
It's just a shame that he did not sign for an English Premiership club! That would have made my day!

henry crun
7th Sep 2001, 13:16
Apologies in advance if any of these have been posted before.

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a
show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a
beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you
She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said "I looked up rambling rose in the
encyclopaedia last night and it said
"Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden


A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to
him, but he can't hear, so he decides to use sign language.
To do sign language, the man on the 3rd
floor points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and
says "What the hell is wrong with you, dumb-ass? I said I need a handsaw!!!"
The other guy says "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming".

A couple are driving along somewhere on the Nullarbor Plain and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc etc... and his wife is getting the absolute sh*ts with his depressing talk.
So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my Swiss Army knife..."
About half an hour later, sure as nuts he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guys little Richard off and throws it out
the window.
Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three... husband, wife and their 8 year old daughter. The penis suddenly lands
on their car's windscreen and the father in an absolute panic as he doesn't want his daughter to see, quickly puts the windscreen wipers to get it off the windscreen and out of the view of his daughter.
The daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that??"
Her father, still in a panic, replies "Oh it was only a... uh.. butterfly my dear".
Says the daughter "Well F**K ME! Did you see the size of its c*ck!!!"
On Xmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to
him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "nice bike you got there. Did santa bring that to you?"
The kid says "yeah".
The cop says "well, next year tell santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "by the way, thats a nice horse you got there. Did santa bring that to
Humouring the kid the cop says, "yeah he sure did."
The kid says, "well, next year tell santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


7th Sep 2001, 15:17
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island............

> > > > > > >

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl..........

> > > > > > > >

After several years of casual s3x all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing...................

> > > > > > > >

She felt having s3x with both guys was so bad that she killed herself...............

> > > > > > > >

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course...................

> > > > > > > >

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.....................

> > > > > >


> > > > > > >

They buried her.

7th Sep 2001, 15:23
hc & ifr,

Absolutely disgusting! I can't wait to get to the pub tonight. Thanks.

7th Sep 2001, 18:42
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

gravity victim
7th Sep 2001, 19:12
Very old but here goes:

Two backwoods Irish brothers are partners in a racehorse, and are so impressed by its turn of speed at local meets that they decide to enter it at Cheltenham races.

Unfortunately they are so broke that they can only afford one ferry fare after paying for the horse transport, so they toss a coin to see who goes with the horse. The lucky one promised to send a telegram (no phone at home) with the result of the race.

In due course a totally indecipherable message arrives back in Cahirciveen: "SF SF SF SF SF". When the brother gets back home, the other one asks him just what the hell his telegram meant?

"Ah", said the returned traveller: "I was trying to save money on the telegram. It was short for Strongly Fancied, Started First,Slipped and Fell, Shot the F*cker,See You Friday." :D

7th Sep 2001, 19:42
Cheers everyone. I'm off to the pub, hope I can remember them all and be careful who I tell them to. :D

7th Sep 2001, 20:03
One of many versions of the oldie:

Two couples meet one another on a Pacific cruise, one couple from Britain the other from Texas. The couples seemed to hit it off rather well but, as one can imagine, the British pair soon tired off the Texans incessant drone of things bigger and better in their Great State. Both couples were standing at the railing as the ship made its way into a Hawaiian port and marveled at a large volcano blowing fire and lava and smoke hundreds of feet into the air. The British gentleman, fed up to his eyeballs with the previous week’s boasting, turned to the Texan and said: “I suppose you’re going to tell us you have something bigger than that one in your back pasture?”, to which, without hesitation, the Texan responded: “Naw, can’t say I’ve even seen one of them before now but, we’ve got a fire department in Ft. Worth that can have it put out in about 15 minutes.”

8th Sep 2001, 03:11
Just got back from the pub. Here's one in return.

Chap goes into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. Orders two pints of lager. The cat says "I'm not paying for those. No way!"

Chap says to barman "Ignore him. Two pints of your best lager please".

Again the cat says "I am not paying".

"Shut up! Two pints of lager please barman"

"I am not going to pay" says the cat.

Eventually the barman askes what is going on here. The man explained that he had picked up an old lamp in an antique shop and, when he rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered him a single wish. "All I asked for was a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"

8th Sep 2001, 13:57
If this has been posted before.......STIFF !

If a married couple from New Zealand moves to Australia and get divorsed, are they still legally brother and sister ? :p

8th Sep 2001, 14:57
Loved the footie headline, but I regret the passing of the German K-u-n-t-z...

What's ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship!

[Edited to avoid censor!]

[ 08 September 2001: Message edited by: SLF ]

Whiskey Zulu
8th Sep 2001, 19:15
A Liverpool F.C scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new Teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country.
Gerard Houllier is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself. The boy arrives in Liverpool for Saturday's game, and is on the bench.
With ten minutes to go Fowler gets injured and is stretchered off. Houllier points to the new Bosnian boy:
"This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us".
The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch.

In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick.
The Kop goes mad.

After the game Houllier gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room.
"Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".

The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum.
"Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!..........you don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
"No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground."
"God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry"

"So you should be son. It was your idea for us to move to Liverpool."

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word definitely' in a sentence?"

First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange depending on the weather."

Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher.

Little Matthew, from the back of the class, stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Matthew! That's disgusting, of course not!!!"

"OK... then I DEFINITELY **** my pants."

What has two legs a bleeds?

half a dog.


9th Sep 2001, 00:53
A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on
it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture
tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they
revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women
were held in very high esteem - most likely a family orientated culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by
also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they
were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the
speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions
but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to
That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!" :D

[ 08 September 2001: Message edited by: MisNomer ]