View Full Version : Another new joke thread.......

6th Sep 2001, 03:42
I thought I wuld put some more funnies to get started with..........


A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.”
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?”
“Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.”
“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said.
“And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.”
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly.
“No **** ! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”
A married couple is awakened by the sound of someone knocking on their door. The husband gets up, opens the window, and shouts, “Who’s there?”
A voice from below calls out, “Please help. I need a push.”
“It’s three in the morning,” the man hollers. “Get lost before I call the cops!”
His wife rolls over and says, “Honey, you should help that person. Remember when our children got stuck on the highway late that night and that trucker helped?”
The guy sighs, goes downstairs, and calls out, “Hey,do you still need a push?”
“Yes,” a voice replies.
“Where are you?”
“Over here, on the swings…”
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

7th Sep 2001, 15:46
Advice for the Unmarried
When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of the
aunts and the grandmotherly types would come up to me, poke me in the ribs,and cackle, "You're next... you're next."

They stopped that sh*t after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

7th Sep 2001, 19:34
SLF with a difference, :)



The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base
"Requesting Radar".

"What is you position?" asked ATC

"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"

"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One

"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.