View Full Version : Scandinavian Reparations?

5th Sep 2001, 12:21
Should Norway, Finland, Sweden and Denmark apologise and make reparations for the ravages of the Vikings?

Perhaps the Danegeld should be returned (with repayment in real monetary terms, taking into account inflation and interest) and apologies made to all descendants of those who were raped, tortured and murdered by the Vikings.

Only then can some people rest in peace, and, particularly in the North of England, can some people know that the nightmare is really over.

tony draper
5th Sep 2001, 12:39
Hey you could have something there H M,
They wrecked our Monestery on Holy Island, gave poor St Cuthbert a hard time,not satisfied with that they moved on to the venerable St Bedes, gaff at Jarrow and scragged that.
We only just managed to save those Lindisfarn gospels, of course they have since been stolen by those southerners, but thats beside the point, yes, get the lawyers on the job,make the b*ggers pay.
We could also consider taking action against those Normans, dear god,the humiliation of being beaten by Frenchmen, must be worth a fortune.

PS, They wern't really Frenchmen, Norman means people from Normandy,the lands of the Norsemen, the french as per, did not wish to fight the Vikings, so they just handed over a large chunk of their country, and went back to eating, which is a thing they are good at , as opposed to fighting which they are not.

[ 05 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Tricky Woo
5th Sep 2001, 12:51
Seeing as all these Swedish blokes shagged all our birds, maybe they should let us shag all their... er... just a thought.


5th Sep 2001, 12:56
Is there not an argument here to consider the legitimate claims of the celtic people?
Give England back to the Irish!!

5th Sep 2001, 13:39
Agreed! And let's give America back to the Indians (sorry, Native Americans) while we're at it!

I think TW has the best idea for reparations....


Tricky Woo
5th Sep 2001, 14:19
Might as well let the Aborigines have their continent back too. They might be more willing to let those poor refugees in.

(Tricky steels himself for some nasty flaming, but doesn't give a toss).


compressor stall
5th Sep 2001, 16:21
While we are at it, TW let's all go back to that swamp in Africa to keep Lucy et al company :D

Tcas climb
5th Sep 2001, 16:37
But should'nt the vikings be compensated for their DNA, as they blended it into the genepoole? Today Denmark has the largest export in the world of high quality human sperm. I guess the vikings just showed the way. :D :D :D :D

5th Sep 2001, 16:42
TCAS, is THAT what they put in Carlsberg? :eek: :eek: :eek:

5th Sep 2001, 17:04
Sorry TW - no flaming today.
They've already got most of it back.
(Which may be why we're so keen to hang on to what's left) ;)

Biggles Flies Undone
5th Sep 2001, 17:11
Tcas - be a bit careful there old chap. A soul less charitable than myself might interpret your statement as being that Danish men are the world's biggest [email protected] ;)

Mac the Knife
6th Sep 2001, 00:39
I showed Hug's suggestion to the Danish Mrs. Mac and now I'm having to write this on a laptop in my version of Draper's shed.

6th Sep 2001, 03:24
Theres an article in todays Age in Melbourne saying that some committee is accusing Australia of genocide towards the Aborigines. Wonder what else we're going to be accused of this month. War Crimes???

6th Sep 2001, 03:42

You must have been eating too much haggis my man. Can't think of anything else that would have caused a nightmare to last for a thousand years ...

But since you are from Scotland I don't guess you'd have much sympathy for the costs this would bring on mother England, if your suggestion should apply to all countries who'd ever endavoured on an invasion streak.

Speaking of which, wouldn't the Romans then owe the largest sum to just about everybody in the civilised world (except the vikings) ?
I wonder if that pile of lires would reach outside the solar system ....

And finally, my ancestors may have raped, tortured and mamed yours but at least they had the dignity to leave the whiskey with you. And that, if nothing else, should be enough to kill of any nightmares you may have.

And finally a little lesson in geography. Finland is not a part of Scandinavia. The finnish, being a polite and calm bunch, did not take part in the viking raids opting instead to stay at home building saunas, and devoting themselves to fostering some of the most beautiful girls you can imagine. Now if only they'd work on that language ...

[ 06 September 2001: Message edited by: PsychoDad ]

6th Sep 2001, 06:13
Actually Huggie, we are planning a comeback.

Since you lot bombarded our Capital and stole our navy, we have laid secret plans and been building a massive fleet of longboats. (We have been slightly delayed as the boats have to conform to EU regulations)

One of these days we shall once again spread terror among the men and pleasure among the woman. (after 1000 years without a descent shag, I guess your woman will be waiting at the shores)

You want it when?
6th Sep 2001, 11:50
Techman a "descent" shag is that a polite way to say going down on someone? :D :D

Tricky Woo
6th Sep 2001, 15:02
I once shagged a Scandawegian girl who told me that there isn't a single man in Scanders who can give a half decent bonk. She was most insistent on the matter.

I was muchly chuffed at the time. Well I would be, wouldn't I? I'd just been told by a very beautiful Norwegian girl that I was the shag of her life. Civilisation: One, Viking Hoardes: Nil. I'm still willing to help out any other Scandanavian girls who have similar problems...


You want it when?
6th Sep 2001, 15:10
TW - You are a martyr to the cause, such an open generous offer, why it brings tears of laughter to my eyes. :D :D :D

6th Sep 2001, 15:16
Good try Tricky:

Everybody knows that Norwegian lovers are top rated: 9 out of 10 women of all ages who participated in a recent survey did rate Norwegians as the best lovers.
(The 10th turned out to be lesbian)

Either you have been smoking crack and dreaming about bedding this Norwegian girl or if she was real, she was too ugly to get screwed by anything but a Brit.

My hat of for nice wind-up try. (As you can see from the above facts, it was too far from the truth to have any resemblence to reality... :D

Tricky Woo
6th Sep 2001, 15:38
Hmm, the young lady in question insisted that Scandawegian boys spend so much time brushing their nice blonde hair that they never get round to learning the noble art of love-making. Sad really.

To quote the girl: "These blonde boys are quite pretty to look at, but appalling shags in bed".

Not sure what she meant by that.


6th Sep 2001, 15:51
TW, better get down from those Alps.
The thin air is clearly starting to affect you.

Tricky Woo
6th Sep 2001, 16:50
It certainly explains why there are such long queues outside each Scandanavian Au Pair bureau. The poor sweet doves simply can't wait to get out so that they can experience a decent shag.

Think about it, the first thing that the average au pair does on arrival is to bonk the brains out of the nearest bloke. Usually the husband. Sort of a perk of the job, I suppose, achieving their first orgasm.

It's a very sad situation indeed.

The complete lack of good sexual technique amongst Scandanavian blokes is a scandal, that's what I say. In my humble opinion absolutely nothing should be done about it. Immediately.


compressor stall
6th Sep 2001, 17:24
Well I volunteer to go over there and shag their girlfriends whilst the blokes watch and learn. :cool:

You want it when?
6th Sep 2001, 17:32
I feel a transfer to JB-II coming on.... :eek:

6th Sep 2001, 18:43
Tricky you are on the wrong Track:

Obviously this girl you have been talking to had escaped from a mental institution!
And you took advantage of her?
You insensitive selfish molester.

Shame On You, Shame On You, bad Tricky...


7th Sep 2001, 00:00
I definitely think that the Scandenavians have to pay reparations to Latvia. First the Vikings came and raped all the women. Then in the 1700s came the offcial Swedish army to take care of those who hadn't been raped. Then the Russians came and raped them again.

On the whole, though, today I think that Latvian girls are be best lookers in the world, bar none. Viking attitude, Swedish charisma and Russian let's do it now and here.

7th Sep 2001, 01:56
No! No! No!

You will not enter this discussion!!

Never mind that you're probably the only person on JB who could settle this dispute with some irrefutable arguments....... :D

No, Capt PPrune does NOT want you to share the results of your exhaustive research on this very subject with your fellow ppruners........ :(

And neither does he want a nice statistic on his website about performance, enthusiasm and skill divided by nationality......Really he doesn't............never mind that you could provide a really thorough one, graphics and all...........

.......restraint is better part of modern ppruning.........repeat after me: not another word........

Silence is golden......

:D :D Heia Norge!!!!! :D :D


Modesty Blaze

7th Sep 2001, 02:43

actually we were invited by the Latvian women, apparently they also wanted a decent shag. But hey, don't take my word for it, I might have the letter of invitation laying around somewhere still, I do recall it was RVSP, BYOB and BYOP.


7th Sep 2001, 18:25

Well, what is your opinion on this subject?


7th Sep 2001, 22:28
envy is an ugly thing (like her mum..)
The one thing I missed when flying out of EGPK was the danish women. With the quality of talent up north its apparent our jobs as vikings was never finished :D

No wonder there was a thriving business in velcro-gloves and counting sheep UK style"1,2,3,hey babe.5.6..." :p

Stiff Lil' Fingers
8th Sep 2001, 02:08
Well Tricky old son, I have a Norwegian girly and she has said pretty much the same thing about the scandawegian male. And apparently we are gentlemen too!

And before anyone asks, she is rather lovely looking!

....I think its all just envy....I mean who would give up the chance of having been a viking back then.....rather like being on a stag weekend for 5 years!

tony draper
8th Sep 2001, 02:22
Yeh, they had it good until Alfred the Great had a word or two with them, and they had to go back to pulling themselves. ;)
Err, your not Scandanavian are you Mr err fingers.

[ 07 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Tricky Woo
9th Sep 2001, 00:10
Like I said before, these chaps are all bad shags. They seem to be able to talk a good game, though. Shame their performance isn't quite up to it.


9th Sep 2001, 01:18
Aye Tricky and the other dreamers: Norwegian girlfriends, yeah right...

The performance is indeed up to snuff, but because ya blokes have the wrong plumbing you will never know what you are missing.


Of course you could do the sex change thing and a face job, and if I was drunk enough...

On the other hand, probably not, therefore, don't rush off to the hospital quite yet.


9th Sep 2001, 03:54
Sorry chaps, itīs time the scandies came clean.

Contrary to popular myth, the Icelandic vikings were a swarthy race verging on extinction due to their congenital ugliness. They simply could not bring themselves to do the hibbeddy-dibbeddy with one another and even if they wanted to, they were all closely related (which was probably a root cause of the problem to begin with).

Facing extinction, the young menfolk of Iceland donned horned helmets (for a laugh), loaded their longships with BRENNIVIN (Icelandic schnapps) and took to the high seas in the hope of getting laid. Thus the two modern day phenomena of the 18-30s holiday and the booze cruise were simultaneously invented (necessity being the mother of invention, after all).

History shows that these intrepid but ugly horndogs swept up the Thames estuary in search of poontang and landed on itīs north shores where the ladies were tall, striking and blonde. These ladies however gave them short shrift for being a bunch of funny-hatted beardies with bad breath.

They tried with out success to ply the ladies with Brennivin but the ladies wouldnīt touch it because Brennivin (to this day) is absolutely minging firewater that only tourists drink. Then the great Viking Haraldur Harald Haraldsson came up with the idea of mixing the Brennivin with the local apple cider, thus inventing the alco-pop.

The ladies of Essex were much taken with the alco-pops and agreed to go and have a look at the vikings boat, where upon they were bopped on the head and spirited away to Iceland to breed.

In conclusion, Icelandic girls are generally blonde, blue-eyed and (by reputation) easy because they are descended from Essex girls and the Viking legacy to modern civilisation consists of the lads-only holiday, alcopops and the word geysir.

[ 08 September 2001: Message edited by: B747wideboy ]

9th Sep 2001, 04:00
And another thing...

WIth regard to reparations. Should these be based on the wholesale or retail price paid? My understanding was that, at the point of capture, the slaves were bought for rather less than there marked up price at point of sale.

I think it only fair to make reparations in the currency that the original deals were made which, in Africa, was largely barter.

Therefore anyone wishing for reparations for the African slave trade should be paid a representative price which I suggest might be a small looking glass, some matches and a lovely bag of polished beads.

9th Sep 2001, 07:15

Nice theory ya got there, but aye, no cigar.

The Vikings did not do their raids from Iceland: Norway was the hub. Iceland was a colony and the bad guys went there to escape the law.

Brennevin is the Norwegian word for booze and can be anything from moonshine to Scotch, Vodka and Rum included.

Essex girls: Hmm, don't know much about them, but probably about the same category as the Valley Girls from California.

(The Vikings went there as well, spreading sperm, happines and the gospel.
Lucky local girls they were.)

Ya blokes over in the Isles are just jealous because Scandinavian men are better hung, better looking and much better in the sack.

Just ask your wifes and girlfriends. :eek:

9th Sep 2001, 18:41
Sorry īDog, no cigar for you either.

Speaking as an actual born on the rock Icelander I can tell you we did raid as well as exploring. Leif "the Lucky" Eriksson set sail from Iceland and we have a very nice statue of him outside our national cathedral in Reykjavik. You may remember he discovered the North American continent through a slight navigational error. This was possibly brought on by over indulgence in the Icelandic national drink, which is indeed called Brennivin and is indeed nearly toxic. Brennivin is sold in other countries under the name "Black Death", which is also I think a brand of Icelandic vodka now.

The word Brennivin is sometimes used in other countries as a generic term for strong liquor, but I assure you itīs an Icelandic word. Our language is the purest and least changed derivative of the original Norse language, so I should know.

About the only thing you got right is the fact that we Icelanders tend to be very well hung, but then again with the cold winds in Iceland we have to be to compensate for shrinkage.

9th Sep 2001, 19:14
Uh, hang on FREDA, not so fast.

Iceland was colonised by the Norwegians and yes the Icleandic language is indeed almost unchanged from what used to be "old" Norwegian. Brennevin roughly translated to english means strong or burning wine and as said eralier is a generic term. If it is a brand name in Iceland, well, uh good for you.

The raids on the continent (It was actually trading expeditions) did launch from the many fjords and viks in Norway.
If ya set out from Iceland also for the same destinations, cool.

Yes, I know Leiv and his team of navigators got lost, they were looking for Greenland I belive, the found, ah, Newfoundland instead.

I had a girlfriend in Iceland once. She said the Icelandic men were rather lousy lovers.
She much preferred Norwegians.
Said you guys were too busy combing your blond hair and driving dune buggys off the cliffs. That true?

:D :D

tony draper
9th Sep 2001, 19:54
Hmm, Was that the same Lucky Eriksson that conned a whole load of Scanderwegiens to go and live on a ice covered rock by giving it the name Greenland?. ;)

9th Sep 2001, 20:02

For a scandihoovian you display a rather poor understanding of our combined imperialistic claims back in the viking age, so please allow me to elaborate.

Leif Den Lykkelige's son, Eric the Red, set sail from Greenland and thus did not discover North America enroute to Greenland but rather was very intent on discovering new land. Leif did discover Greenland more or less by luck when he was evicted from Iceland.
As his father, who got himself evicted from both Norway and Iceland, Eric was not too popular among his peers and was more or less forced to find new land. As both Norway, Denmark and Iceland were big no-no's, the only viable solution was to head against the winds and thus he ended up where he did.

So he sailed west and established a trading post on New Foundland, and for many years trade between New Foundland and the southern west coast of Greenland was prospering. All this ended when climatic changes made Greenland the cold place we know today and rendered farming impossible. However, latest archeological evidence suggests that the trading routes between Greenland and North America (which to my mind really should be called Erica) lasted upwards of +200 years. There are also evidence that the viking traders navigated the great lakes and the joining rivers as far west as Minnesota (sp).

In the nature of this thread I will therefore suggest that the countries known as US of America and Canada paid compensation in the order of 100 gazillion Euro's to each of the Scandinavian countries. A lawsuit could follow, since I, and quite a few others I would imagine, are deeply traumatized by the lack of appreciation given to our contries for discovering that piece of real estate.

And last but not least, I've had the distinct pleasure of shagging girls from near and far. Everyone I've ever met has been delighted to be dating a Dane, and has always held our shagging abilities in high regard. And to really rub it in, ladies from the UK in particular have given praise to scandinavian lovers, preferring them vastly over their own local, stiff upperlip, hooligan males. Most of which, I may add, are cross-dressing inbreads only able to partially tell the difference between a beer and a woman. :)

Hard hat deployed ...

(Edited to correct a few names and bring this piece a bit closer to reality ...)

[ 09 September 2001: Message edited by: PsychoDad ]

tony draper
9th Sep 2001, 20:14
I would request payment in Pounds or Dollars if I were you Mr P,100 gazillion euro'r will buy you a cup of coffee in two years time.
The organisation I belong to is stamping out twenty zaptrilion zillion of them.
It is our intention to issue every citizen in the uk twenty million ero's each, next year, they will be instructed to go aross and buy up every thing in sight,we recon it will not harm our economy as we shall be hanging on to our pounds. ;)

[ 09 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

9th Sep 2001, 20:39

As you may know we had a referendum in Denmark last year and the Euro was sadly, in my opinion, voted down. So we can join ranks mate, your Pounds and my Kroner together with the Swedish and their Kroner's too. Speaking of which, what are the chances that the UK government will put the Euro to the vote ? You lot didn't, together with the rest of the Euro zone less Denmark, get a chance to have a say on the Maastricht / Edinburgh treaty.

tony draper
9th Sep 2001, 21:14
A referedum on the euro is promised by,his tonyness, but promises by Brit politicians aren't worth zip, they are born spouting lies from every orifice. ;)

Draper is seriously thinking of changing his first name, imagine in twenty years time the Oxford Dictionary, will say ((TONY)..slang for huge lie, (TO TONY) slang..to make a complete cockup of.

9th Sep 2001, 23:59

Thanks for taking care of the claim.

Send it down to South Africa and give 'em my PayPal account number. :D

Tricky Woo
21st Sep 2001, 18:48
So, we're all in agreement: these Scandavian fellows really are hopeless shags. Lots of conclusive evidence on the matter.


22nd Sep 2001, 12:15
And, as final, conclusive evidence I relate the following (true) story:

A couple of years ago I was in Shanghai and remember sitting next to a rather beautiful Chinese girl at some dinner; who told me she had been married to a Dane for two weeks. In reply to the obvious question she told me she had hoped that 5,000 years of civilization could be a suitable receptacle for accommodating more basic instincts. But (casting eyes demurely down to the table) she had not wanted to wait another 5,000 years to find out. She later introduced me to her second (English) husband of, she said, long standing. This last phrase said with total oriental inscutability.

22nd Sep 2001, 16:18
Given her choice of husbands, do we assume that Chinese men are also bad shags? :D

27th Sep 2001, 01:28
It would seem that she had passed over the Chinese for a Dane and had ended up with a "longstanding' Englishman. Obviously he was the best hung of the bunch, unfortunately not good enough apparently to bring a smile to the inscrutable lady, but no doubt he was giving her his all.

27th Sep 2001, 01:43
And when oh when will you Brits finally comprehend that it is not the state of your upper lip that counts? ;)

tony draper
27th Sep 2001, 01:47
OOOH!!, That stung, we'll get you for that. ;)

27th Sep 2001, 15:33
cummon Flaps, it's stiff innit? :confused:

27th Sep 2001, 16:46
You guys at it again?

Remember the old story about Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven the German is the Engineer,
the French is the lover and
the Brit is the humorist.

In Hell the Brit is the lover
the German is the humorist and
the French is the Engineer.

Nuff said...

Tricky Woo
27th Sep 2001, 17:48
Why don't the Scandawegians don't get a mention? Nuff said, indeed.


27th Sep 2001, 18:23
Errrrrrrm Tricky, the expression "actions speak louder than words"?
Doesn't ring a bell does it??

Nah, I guessed as much.

'Nuff said indeed. :D

27th Sep 2001, 18:27
Bit difficult to talk with your mouth full... :D

27th Sep 2001, 18:54
yeah that hot potato would be a speech impediment. ;)

27th Sep 2001, 19:29
Uh Tricky:

We don't need a special mention, we do all them things well.

We also make good limericks, how do you like this one?:

A Scandiman named TowerDow
With a crank like a timber log,
Swung his tool,
the maidens cried fool
And ran for cover in the bog.


Tricky Woo
27th Sep 2001, 19:57

I take it all back, you romantic devil, you.


27th Sep 2001, 20:32

So they're not poets :eek:

But unlike some Island dwellers I could mention, Scandinavians don't need to talk it in! :D

tony draper
27th Sep 2001, 20:32
A young viking warrior called Leiff,
owned a organ that caused him much grief.
So small was his tadger, the ladies did badger,
in winter it must be invisible.

Biggles Flies Undone
27th Sep 2001, 20:54
flaps - maybe they were just shouting to see if they got an echo :eek:

tony draper
27th Sep 2001, 21:29
My name is Eric Hairy Arse,
plunder is my life.
I sail my longship far and wide
Causing lots of strife.
But when my misty shores I spy
I'm happy as can be
to see my special boyfriend there,
a waiting on the quay.


freightdoggy dog
27th Sep 2001, 23:59
td, does this mean that capt pugwash was a viking? seem to remember his crew included "Roger the boy" and "Seamen Stains"! :eek:

28th Sep 2001, 02:24
Eric: (D.b.a. Tony Draper)

Uh, Tony you should consider quitting that homo-sexual lifestyle:
I know your boyfriend will miss yer hairy arse, but think about the risk of HIV and other uh, consequences of anal sex.

This of course just a friendly advise from a fellow sailor.


tony draper
28th Sep 2001, 02:53
Hmmm, Was Wordsworth a daffodil?.
Was Kipling a Fuzzy Wuzzy?.
Was Richard the Third really a hunchback?.
Should ladies be allowed to serve on Lizzy Windsors ships of the line, thus bringing to a end hundreds of years of traditional sodomy?.
Did Sir Larry actually have a affair with Danny Kay ?.
All these questions have puzzled mankind.
All these things we are free to discuss here.
the scope is almost endless, do not dispair,
no need for politics, religion, or sex.

Some clarification required here, Who's shagging who? is that classed as sex or gossip.?

[ 27 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

28th Sep 2001, 03:20
And the old question about eating with the fork in the right or left had, don't forget that Eric..

Thanks for the input Flaps, you certainly know of the qualities being questioned by them here jealaous Brits.

Tricky: Yup, thats me, a romantic kind of guy.
Girls like it that way: Treat a Lady like a pig and a pig like a Lady.


28th Sep 2001, 12:28

Much as I'd love to claim credit for Mr D's insan..erm...idiosyncratic views on life, I would remind you that he has put me in his black book.

I'm currently living in Hiding (a small town just outside Incognito) (yes I know I've done that joke before but with Tony after me, I've got other things on my mind!))

Please don't bring me to his attention even further by associating me with him.

I don't want to go to the place with the stones. :eek:

[ 28 September 2001: Message edited by: Eric ]

28th Sep 2001, 15:07

If you happen to meet guyincognito there, whatever you do, don't talk about religion or it won't be just Mr D who's after you. ;)

Stiff Lil' Fingers
28th Sep 2001, 17:26
I think the Scandis get their reparations via the ludicrous amounts of money that get spent at IKEA every weekend and bank holiday. Ooops, I forgot, IKEA is owned by a Dutch company.

At least we can thank the Scandis for inventing the paperclip and the cheese-slice. Where would we be without them!

tony draper
28th Sep 2001, 17:39
Draper likes that idea
those Scandewigians came up with, give them that, they knew how to have fun. :eek:

What is a woman that you forsake her,
And the hearth-fire and the home-acre,
To go with the old grey Widow-maker?

[ 28 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

29th Sep 2001, 00:18
Lets face it, the Danes spent all the danegeld and no longer have anything worth nicking (except flaps of course). In the 12th century Southampton was attacked by a french pirate who spent the proceeds setting self up in the south of France, so to put it simply if reparations are in order WE WANT MONACO BACK

Tcas climb
2nd Oct 2001, 01:27
From youre very own backyard, Flypuppy is his name, copied of another thread:

Sexually frustrated? Of course I am! I am staying in Coventry, it goes with the territory.....

Need more be said?

Edited for gender

[ 02 October 2001: Message edited by: Tcas climb ]

2nd Oct 2001, 03:30
Flypuppy may wear a skirt (well, kilt) but there are witnesses from bashes that he is male

2nd Oct 2001, 07:02
Big Ben is a prime example of penis envy, if I ever did see one.

Tcas climb
4th Oct 2001, 10:25
Hmmmm, no rebutal to my previous post.

Nuf' said

tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 10:46
Big Ben is just a large bronze bell, do you mean the tower it lives in?. ;)
Although come to think about it, Big Ben does supply the dong, to the ding dong ding dong, dong---dong---dong.

[ 04 October 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Tricky Woo
4th Oct 2001, 11:38
Hi All,

I had a few beers last night with a group of chums, (unusual for me, I think you'll agree), and the night's entertainment included watching the antics of a group of Scandawegians.

After their obligatory amazement at the incredible cheapness of the alcohol, they decided to buy a round of the smallest beers that the bar would sell them. This was immediately gulped down in a similar manner to kids swigging ribena at a jelly party.

Two more rounds of wee beers, and they were all as p*ssed as rats. (gulp-gulp-gulp).

One more round, and half of them lost the power of speech. Hard to tell, really, 'cos the other half were shouting and whooping so loudly, that they compensated for the silence of their chums. (gulp-silence-whoop-gulp).

The last round of tiny beers shut the rest up. (gulp).

When we left the bar, the group of Scandawegians stood silently, all with the glassy eyes of a Glaswegian after a full bottle of whisky. Their powers of communication had been totally undermined by less beer than could be wringed out of the bar maid's towel.

Five small beers, and they were catatonic.

This leads me to a question: Why can't Scandawegian chaps hold their beer?


tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 12:37
Roger that TW, Noticed that years ago in Curacao, we would see a crew of a Scandewegian tanker going up to the Madhouse,then follow them up an hour later and they would all be paralatic drunk by the time we got there.
The madhouse was a club for tanker crews, inside the refinery,and being that Tanker crews were crazy as sh*thouse rats to start with they sold very weak watered down rum. and coke.
Think it must be a genetic thing,24hr days and 24hrs of darkness could have something to do with it. ;)
That and constantly pulling themselves.

[ 04 October 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

4th Oct 2001, 18:38
wow, steady here chaps.

Tricky-Fu-Fu and The Draper on a wind-up mission again?

Aye, you lot know that the above stories are pure fantasy?
Any Scandinavian can drink a couple of pale Brits under the table anytime.

Especially this here TowerDog, my liver and my brain cell count can testify to that, to that, to that, t......Uh, forgot what I was going to say. :(

tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 19:51
Little glory to be had drinking poor Draper under the table now Mr Tower, for he is old and wrinkled , but, twenty years ago, you would have been laughed at in the streets had you suggested such a feat, small children would have run after you pointing at you and mouthing childish abuse at your timerity,.
For in those days Draper was a seventh dan black belt ale quafer, Drapers victims are strewn from Montivideo,to the Baltic, from Queensland to Zanzibar.
Poor widows hold their children close and hurl curses at the name of Draper and weep over gravestones of those who died the ale death, in their futile atempt at defeating Draper.
One observation I did make was the exceeding youth of the people who manned these Scanderweigian Tankers, they seemed to sign mere children before the mast in those days,indeed, they could be observed scuttling about the decks with teddy bears clutched under their little arms,gnawing upon Farleys Rusks, this could perhaps explain their inability to drink very much, anyone who gets drunk on a mere 27 pints of ale, should look to getting a new hobby, for they obviously have no future in serious drinking.

[ 04 October 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

4th Oct 2001, 19:58
Hey tricky, I once had a big beer, and I am not bragging when I tell you that I managed to go to the loo all by myself!
I can even spell my own name backwards after a nice size of redwine gravy with my steak.
We have all come a long way since the big Northsee cruises back in eleven oh oh.

4th Oct 2001, 20:08
Aye Mr. Draper.

My hat off to your past golden days as the Ale Meister.

About those tankers and the crew men clutching teddy bears to their bodies:
I was indeed one of those blokes.
I sailed the seven seas on chemical tankers and super tankers for the Norwegians.
Perhaps I did run across you, or at least your reputation while in strange ports in strange lands.
(I seem to remember men going pale and women blushing all the way down to their toe nails whenever the Draper name was brought up. Aye, such was the good old days)

Yes, I did swing many a glass in numerous bars and have been thrown out of good places
and bad places alike, but to be honest and truthful with you Draper and the rest of you JetBlasters: I did never carry a Teddy Bear onboard those fine ships. No Sir, that I never did.

tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 20:32
Ah chemical tankers, my heart goes out to you Mr Tower,I had a pal who did a trip on the Methane Pioneer, terrible ships where one had to go and be locked into a small iron room before you could light a ciggy, man went mad in short order on such vessels.
Draper admits to a fondness for those of the cold Scandeweigien lands , one large Norweigian bosun saved Draper's life once by falling down a long set of stairs in a Mombassa nightclub, fortunatly in his advanced state of drunkeness he was unhurt,but dazed allowing Draper to escape, I often wonder what would have happened if the blow that unbalanced him had landed on Draper head, at which it was aimed. ah, happy days.

4th Oct 2001, 20:42

Yes, happy days indeed.
Well, them chemical tankers I sailed were not too bad, no small little room for the ciggy.
We smoked in the cabins, the crew mess, the engine room etc.

Some of the chemicals were indeed flammable, but others not too bad: We had 30 tanks, and would carry fish oil, palm oil, vodka, perfume, acid, etc., etc all on the same trip.
The hard work was cleaning those tanks between the different loads...Long story.

Uhm what did you do or say to set of the Norwegian bosun that wanted to kill ya?
Just a big mouth, or did you steal his hooker and drink his beer?

I have certainly survived a few bar fights myself, and been lucky to have escaped The Knife. (Big mouth has always been the problem, especially under the influence of strong drinks.)

Did you sail?

tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 20:59
That poor bosun and Draper where complete strangers to each other Mr Tower, indeen not a word had passed between us,his head unfortunatly was on a intercept course with a punch aimed at Draper, hmm didn't feel like explaining matters to the poor chap.
The punch thrower was pounced upon by four large black nightclub bouncers, he returned to the ship mightily battered and bruised the next day, with no recollection of the nights events whatsoever, draper didn't feel like explaining the matter to him either.
This event took place during two insane days and nights in Mombassa, when Kenya had been granted its independance, we had been warned under no circumstances to go downtown or we would undoubtedly be killed and eaten by the celebrating natives,nonesence of course we had the time of our lives, drinking with Mau Mau terrorist and the like.

4th Oct 2001, 21:19
Mr. Draper: Good thing you were not eaten by the natives. That could have hurt indeed.

I was never close to the big cooking pot in Africa when I sailed there, but one time in Borneo we sailed up a river into the jungle, and ah, some of the locals looked at us as we read a menu in a restaurant.
Rumors at the time said they still ate each other now and then.
Was not the native word for a man "Tall Pig" or something to that effect?

Aye, may their souls rest in piece.

Back to the drinking habbits of the Scandinavians: You know how to make a Norwegian "Coffe Doctor"?

Well, here goes: One takes a empty coffe cup, put a coin in the bottom of the cup. Then pour coffe until the coin disappears from sight, at that point you pour pure 96% alcohol, clear moonshine untill the coin is again clearly visible.
Add a little sugar and the drink is ready to be devoured.
A good moonshine is said to produce a least 3 fist fights to the bootle.

So what were you doing in Sansibar and Mombassa and them places? You did not travel there as a tourist strictly to party I take it?

tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 22:15
Tourist!,good grief,bno Mr T Draper was a merchant seaman same as you,that particular ship was a old five hatch cargo tramp, beloning to Harrisons of Clyde called the British Monarch, happy days indeed,we sailed from South Shields and didn't return to the UK for twenty seven months, long bloody trip that.
Makes you laugh when you hear these poor Gray Funnel line sailors moan about being away from their families for three months.
Another great industry that has dissappeared from the UK,we had the biggest merchant fleet in the world under one flag then, all gone now, like most of our other industries.

4th Oct 2001, 22:27
Ummmm, Draper? I thought we'd agreed not to use words like "tramp" (unless you're talking about one or two ex g/f's of mine)? The phrase you're looking for is "homeless ship".

I always used to think that that arrival into MAN called "The Mersey Star" always sounded like a rusting old steamer the plied its way between Liverpool and other similarly disreputable places up and down the west coast...

4th Oct 2001, 22:41
Aye mate, The Draper is a fellow seaman.
Now retired are ya?

Well, I am also retired from the big ships.
Did my last tanker in 1982.
Been flying aero planes since. Somehow I miss the hard work and the life of a sea man.

Ya are right about the Scandinawians starting young: At the tender age of 14 TowerDog started peeling potatoes on the coastal steamers in Norway.
At 17 I shipped out as an oiler and had a blast for 7 months. Ended up i Aurstalia and there I met this girl, and uh....
More ships after that. Food got better on every ship. On the last one we had filet mingon and lobster etc for dinner. White table cloth in the crews mess and the mess girls served wine like the best waitress you have ever seen.

Nowadays I sail my little 33 foot cutter over to the Bahamas on days off.
Put the hook down and watch the sunset over a rum-punch.
Good life indeed.

If ya ever come here to the Colonies Mr. Draper, I will take ya sailing and we will drink strong Ale and tell tall stories from the good old days.
And they are all true. I swear.


tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 22:44
Indeed Mr H, the old ships had some character then, not the shapeless computerised bulk cargo, container carrying metal boxes they are now.
We got a bridge over the Tyne called the Swing Bridge had a ships siren on it ,it would sound whenever a vessel was passing through,and the ship would answer with its fog horn, hadn't heard that sound for years, all the ships gone from the tyne now.
Was lying awake in the early hours a while back when I heard that fog horn sound, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, strange sad yearning lonely sound echoing off the hills,a sound out of the past.
Think they were doing some work on the bridge that night ,havent seen it open for twenty years.

[ 04 October 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Bally Heck
5th Oct 2001, 14:33
Mr Draper and Mr Dog. I wonder if I might enquire what role you both fulfilled in the mercantile marine service.

Were you as I suspect, highly qualified, literate, educated and skilled persons. Or were you navigating officers?

tony draper
5th Oct 2001, 14:59
Negative Mr H,Draper was but a poor deckhand,rust chipper and cutlass humper, from the sounds of that Mr Tower,he was a shipowners son, or married the owners daughter, bloody 33 foot cutters, the Bahama's.
Ships that had table cloths,bloody hell, positivly decedent.
Didn't actually make it a career Mr H, stuck it for seven years saw a bit of the world, then came ashore and got a real job, don't regret it, bloody good education for a young lad, pity its no longer available.
Made a man of you a few trips to sea, or if you were daft enough to go on the big passenger boats made a girl of you. ;)

Bally Heck
6th Oct 2001, 03:09
Ahh Mr D. A truly fine career. Chipping hammer in one hand and a rubber doll in t'other.

Used to whip the slaves on the orlop deck in a past life m'self. I still remember some of the names. Dear old Pametrada. (QE2 did for him) Johnny Sulzer. Sven Stahl Laval. And Dicky Doxford. Now there's a chap who was vertically opposed. Many challenging nights in the bar trying to impersonated his upper pistons, I can tell you. Burmeister and Wain. There's a name to conjure with.

Ahh. Oil and water. That's proper sectarianism.

tony draper
6th Oct 2001, 03:31
Ah,Burmeister and Wain. wish I could buy a tape of that sound, I would play it over my sound system and let it lull me to sleep like a child.
It was the silence when I first came home on leave, used to do my head in, no thrum of engines no hiss of punka louvres,no rattle of prop lifting out of water, no footsteps along alleyways, I seemed to be able to hear the blood swishing through my veins, the silence ashore aint natural.
I had to get tanked up every night when I was on leave,or I couldn't sleep, bloody inconvinient that. ;)

8th Oct 2001, 20:56

This here TowerDog sailed as an oiler and as an O.S. Hard work it was, but a young body needs to concentrate on somthing to stay out of mischief.

Draper: No and no, the TowerDog is not the shipowners son, neither did he marry the daughter of one.
My yacht comes from hard work: Blood, snot, sweat and tears. (Also a booming stock market in the mid 90's.;-)
Aye mate the ship is 20 years old and requires TLC and a bit of maintenance. No rich man's gin palace this one is. A true honest blue water craft that an old cranky salt like yerself could appreciate.

Bahamas bound she is, with the TowerDog and a bottle of rum :cool:

8th Oct 2001, 22:20
Ahh the sea, the sea.
Hmm, desperately tries to think of sensible way to casualy mention my intended Dart 16. Jeeze hasn't even got room for a bottle of Rum let alone sail round various parts of the world. Now blood sweat and tears, yep that'll have to be the link.
Yes, the sound of the waves crashing on a lee shore as I drift in that direction with my sailing manual open and waggling my rudders vainly, I can just hear it now.
The sea is calling and I'm going to be a Viking, and sail my bright yellow widow maker( long grey, definitely has a much better ring to it), out into the big blue.
All the blood sweat and tears coelesced into the embodiment of my nautical dreams. I have been inspired chaps and by your eloquence, I can smell the salty air, hear the crashing of the waves and see the great liners slipping quietly by.
Now where'd I put that that price list?

tony draper
9th Oct 2001, 01:00
Sorry Mr Tower, Draper used to be a right bolshie Bastard in his youth, sometimes it resurfaces and drowns out his present fascism.
Good luck with your vessel, watch out for that triangular shaped bit of salt water there, it says on my charts (Here be dragons)

Anyway, to get back on topic re these Scandeweigians, Brother Kipling had the right of it.

IT is always a temptation to an armed and agile nation
To call upon a neighbour and to say:--
"We invaded you last night--we are quite prepared to fight,
Unless you pay us cash to go away."

And that is called asking for Dane-geld,
And the people who ask it explain
That you've only to pay 'em the Dane-geld
And then you'll get rid of the Dane!

It is always a temptation to a rich and lazy nation,
To puff and look important and to say:--
"Though we know we should defeat you, we have not the time to meet you.
We will therefore pay you cash to go away."

And that is called paying the Dane-geld;
But we've proved it again and again,
That if once you have paid him the Dane-geld
You never get rid of the Dane.

[ 08 October 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

[ 08 October 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

9th Oct 2001, 02:41
Aye Mr. Draper, no apology necessary:

I have been called worse.
Many moons ago, in the mid 80s I lived aboard, owned and operated a fine yacht, a 44 feet teak/mahogney yawl, white hull and sails and sparkling varnish.
Sailed her in the Virgin Islands with my ex-woman and had a blast.
Some of the local negroes however called me a white arse-hole: Surely I had inehreited money and was just down there to take advantage of the locals and live high on the hog.

The reality however was that The TowerDog had been flying bush-planes in Alaska for a number of years, saved every Peso and finally moved to the islands and bought the yacht from the savings.
The locals of course could have done the same: No stopping them, if I could drive taxi-cabs to save money for flight school, then work hard, etc, so could they have.
(If they wanted it bad enough anyway)

It is called delayed gratisfication.
(Uhm HugMonster, don't pull out the dictionary on that one, have no idea how to spell it, just took a guess...)

The old yacht's maintenance however was indeed another chapter.

At any rate, life is good and the sunset in the Bahamas from the foredeck of you own ship is indeed something to admired.

Highly recommended.... :cool:

9th Oct 2001, 12:19
Nahhh - the dictionary is downstairs.

Your yawl sounds beautiful! (Prefer a ketch myself) but still beautiful... :)

I was wandering along the shelves of HMV yesterday looking at DVD's - found one of "Treasure Island" with Jack Palance as Long John Silver. Pic on the front had the "Hispaniola", showing a fully square-rigged ship. Trust Hollywood to get it wrong yet again - RLS clearly says "Hispaniola" was a schooner.

PPRuNe Pop
9th Oct 2001, 13:15
Sorry guys and gals, PPP is back to close this forum as it has reached a century, and where we have to avoid the server reaching meltdown.

As before, feel free to start another thread, and as before this one will stay in view.

PPRuNe Pop
[email protected]