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Ray Darr
5th Sep 2001, 05:03
"My Hovercraft is Full of Eels!" - Today's thouught-provoking quote from yet another excellent MPFC sketch.
...I just thought I'd share that with y'all. Any guess to WHICH sketch, anyone?

Anyone else have anymore Python sketches to share?

Have fun out there...

:D
~Ray Darr

[ 05 September 2001: Message edited by: Ray Darr ]

compressor stall
5th Sep 2001, 17:33
The dirty hungarian phrase book..."drop your panties sir william I cannot wait until lunchtime!"

OK then...

"Did I hit it?"
"Yes, right up the Aisle" :D

Flyingcircus.
5th Sep 2001, 17:59
Are you sure you want to get me started? Once I get going, I won't stop. But anyway....

"No, no, this is a tobacconist"

"Would you li-like to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?"

Damn those hungarian phrasebooks.


Another...

"Well I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."

"Aha, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, our chief weapon is surprise. And fear. Fear and surprise are our....oh bug ger it we'll come in again"


And....

AMERICAN: Now I think what we're dealing with here is a potentialy positive learning experience...
DEATH: Shut up. You Americans, you always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and you say things like "Let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say" well you're dead now, so Shut up.
WOMAN: Dead?
DEATH: Dead.
OTHER WOMAN: All of us?
DEATH: All of you.
ENGLISHMAN: Right, I've had quite enough. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and now quite casually announce that we're all dead. Might I remind you that you are a guest of this establishment and...ow!!
DEATH pokes ENGLISHMAN in the eye
DEATH: Shut up. You Englishmen, you're all so fu ck ing pompous. None of you have got any balls.
WOMAN: Um, excuse me Mr Death, but can I ask a question?
DEATH: What?
WOMAN: How can we have all died at the same time?
DEATH points to dish on the table.
DEATH: The salmon mousse
ENGLISHMAN (to OTHER WOMAN): Oh honey, you didn't use canned salmon did you?
OTHER WOMAN (TO ENGLISHMAN): Oh I'm so dreadfully embarresed.

Who could forget...

"Come at me with that banana like you mean it Boy"
BANG
"Having taken the banana from the assailant, I shall now proceed to eat the banana"


Also....

"Do you yeild?"
"Never"
"But your arm's off"
"'Tis but a scratch, I've had worse"


What about...

"What do you mean? African or European swallow?"
"What?!? I don't know that! aghhhhh"


Or....

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavotary
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea

chorus
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch
He goes to the lavotary
On wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea

I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on womens clothing
And hang around in bars

chorus
He cuts down trees, He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on womens clothing
And hangs around in bars? :confused: :eek:
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I wear high-heels
Suspenders and a bra
I wish I'd been a Girlie
Just like my dear Mama

chorus
He cuts down trees, he wears high-heels
Suspenders and a bra (said in disgust)
Mumble Mumble..What's going on here etc.
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day


Crums, I didn't know I would go that far :eek:
I must have a better memory than I thought :D

Oh, and my signature as well.

edited 'cos I remembered one...

[ 05 September 2001: Message edited by: Flying_Circus. ]

RW-1
5th Sep 2001, 18:25
Ummmmm eels are tasty, well the kind you get for sushi are ....

TAF Oscar
5th Sep 2001, 23:21
Here comes another one
Here it comes again
Here comes another one
When will it ever end?

Hagbard the Amateur
5th Sep 2001, 23:44
"Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties... I'm sorry... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach.
Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrembon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-b anger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwage n-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnberger-bratwustle-gespurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-schönendanker-kalbsfleisc h-mittler-aucher von Hautkopf of Ulm?"

[ 05 September 2001: Message edited by: Hagbard the Amateur ]

Diesel8
6th Sep 2001, 01:22
Centurion: "Crucifixion last hours, it is a slow 'orrible death"
Tenant: "Well, at least it gets you out in the open air."

"This calls for immediate discussions."

"Well, apart from the aquaducts, the roads, wine, sanitation, medicine, public order....... What have the romans ever done for us?"

"Good evening and welcome to the middle of the film"

King Arthur:"We want him to join us in the search for the Holy Grail"
Soldier: " We already 'ave one"
King Arthur: "May we see it?"
Soldier:"NO"

"I fart in your general direction"

[ 05 September 2001: Message edited by: Diesel8 ]

RW-1
6th Sep 2001, 01:27
Oh no! not again !!!!

Down in the meadow in a little bitty pool ...
Swam three little fishies and a mama fishie too.

"Swim" said the mama fishie, "Swim if you can"

And they swam and they swam all over the dam.

:D (Everybody sing the refrain!) :D

Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!

And they swam and they swam all over the dam.


"Stop!!!" said the mama fishie, "or you will get lost"

But the three little fishies didn't wanna be bossed.

The three little fishies went off on a spree

And they swam and they swam right out to the sea.

:D (C'mon Everybody! Again!) :D

Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!

And they swam and they swam right out to the sea.


"Whee!" yelled the little fishies, "Here's a lot of fun

We'll swim in the sea till the day is done.


"They swam and they swam, and it was a lark.

Till all of a sudden they saw a shark!

:D (You know the drill ...) :D

Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!

Till all of a sudden they saw a shark!

"Help!" cried the little fishies, "Gee! look at all the whales!"

And quick as they could, they turned on their tails

And back to the pool in the meadow they swam

And they swam and they swam back over the dam.


Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!

And they swam and they swam back over the dam


So - WHAT is The MORAL of the SONG ?

NEVER swim where your MOMMY tells you not to!


Muhahahahahahahahahaha .....

... --- ... !! ... --- ... !!

[ 05 September 2001: Message edited by: RW-1 ]

Send Clowns
6th Sep 2001, 02:56
Flying Circus

On the subject of swallows: You know of the internet search engine Alta Vista, which will attempt to find an answer to a question posed in plain English? I asked it the question "What is the maximum airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?" and it replied "What do you mean, African or European?"

I was very impressed. :D

guyincognito
6th Sep 2001, 04:24
Be quiet... silly person.

Release Roderick!

We'll need the machine that goes, 'Bing', and the most expensive machine in the hospital.
What can I do to help?
Nothing Madam, you're not qualified!

Mr Creosote
6th Sep 2001, 04:28
Better bring a bucket !! :D

Kaptin M
6th Sep 2001, 04:48
"Would M'sieur care for another 'elping?"
"No - fark off!"
"Peraps jerst a liiiiiittle more, m'sieur?"
"No -I said fark OFF."
"Jerst a waf-er thin slice peraps, m'sieur."
"Well, alright - just a little."

KERRRRBOooooooommmmmm!!!

"Bring me a bucket and a cleaning lady!"
:D

CoodaShooda
6th Sep 2001, 04:49
Emmanuel Cant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable
Eidegger, Eidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table
Joshua Hume could outconsume good old Freidrich Hagel
And Blickinstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlagel

There's nothing Nietze couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed

John Stuart Mill of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato they say could stack it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle Aristotle was a ****** for the bottle
Hobbs was fond of his dram
And Rene Descarte was a drunken fart
"I drink, therefore I am"

Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker but a ****** when he's pissed :eek: :eek:

Rollingthunder
6th Sep 2001, 05:33
Do I have to do everything?

The Pet Shop Sketch from
"And Now For Something Completely Different"

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: <pause> I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines,you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...

Charlie Foxtrot India
6th Sep 2001, 09:40
I think you will find it is Sir Arthur who is asked to take off his panites, (I cannot wait until lunch time...)

Love it all, but as one who was taught Latin by sadistic nuns, I can really relate to the "People called Romanes they go the 'ouse" sketch, and the upperclass twits, Gervais Smith-Smythe-Smith, Nigel Incubator-Jones et al reminded me of many of my schoolmates fathers and brothers.


Unbeatably brilliant, the sketch that starts with "well, it's a joke name sir, like Sillius Soddus, or Biggus Dickus" Michael Palin at his most excellent.

And the "Are there any women here today?" stoning scene. "Who threw that stone?" "She did she did he did him him" "...Sorry I thought we'd started!" "Go to the back!"

"Alms for an ex-leper!!!"
"Who cured you?"
"Jesus did Sir. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute he comes along, cures me! Not so much as a by-your-leave! Bloody do-gooder!"

VTOL
6th Sep 2001, 13:13
On the subject of swallows....


Galahad: There it is!
Arthur: The Bridge of Death!
Robin: Oh, great.
Arthur: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!
Bedevere: What is he doing here?
Arthur: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
Galahad: Three questions.
Arthur: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Galahad: Three questions.
Arthur: Three questions may cross in safety.
Robin: What if you get a question wrong?
Arthur: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
Robin: Oh, I won't go.
Galahad: Who's going to answer the questions?
Arthur: Sir Robin!
Robin: Yes?
Arthur: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
Robin: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
Launcelot: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
Arthur: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Galahad: Three questions.
Arthur: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
Launcelot: I understand, my liege.
Arthur: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Launcelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Launcelot: My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Launcelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Launcelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Right. Off you go.
Launcelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Robin: That's easy!
Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Robin: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Robin: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
Bridgekeeper: Stop! What... is your name?
Galahad: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

TAF Oscar
6th Sep 2001, 23:18
Do wot John?
Do wot John?
Come again, do wot?
T'riffic really t'riffic.
Pardon? Come again?

Diesel8
7th Sep 2001, 03:50
The Crowd:"Release Roderick"
Ceasar: "Vevy well, I shal welease Wodevick.


"It could be worse, I could be working for a Jew"

[ 07 September 2001: Message edited by: Diesel8 ]

Flyingcircus.
7th Sep 2001, 16:58
I've remembered a few more, but they may contain a few discrepancies, as I haven't seen these for a long time...


"I'm afraid I've got to come clean with you. You see, a virus is what we doctors call very very small, and couldn't possibly have made off with an entire leg. I suspect what we're dealing with is what we doctors call a tiger"
ALL: "A TIGER?!? :eek: :eek: :eek:
All the fighting stops. About a thousand Zulus run away at the mention of a tiger
"A tiger? In Africa?" :confused:
`
`
"Always look on the bright side of life
etc
`
`
"Just remember that we're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour
etc
`
`
"Isn't it awfully good to have a p3nis
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong
etc
`
`
"And now some gratuitous pictures of p3nises to annoy the censors...."
`
`
"It's not my fault; society's to blame"
"Ok, we'll arrest them then. Are you a part of society? You'd better come with us...
`
`
"Ok, I see. Well it's not very silly is it? The right leg isn't silly at all, and the left leg merely does a Jonathon half-cock with every alternate step"
"Yes but with a grant I'm sure I could develop it further"
That last bit really needs the visual gag, but on a written forum.....
`
`
"Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? It's farking close to water"

As from "Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl" just before breaking into that song that CoodaShooda has gratiously provided us with the lyrics for.
`
`
"And here we are at the start of the fifty-meters freestyle for non swimmers.................We'll return when they start fishing out the bodies."
`
`
"And we're just ready to start the 100 meters for people with no sense of direction......"
`
`
"Welcome back to 'World Forum'. The next question is for you, Karl Marx. When did Coventry City last win the FA Cup? No? Anybody? I'm not surprised you didn't get that, as it was a trick question. Coventry City has, in fact, never won the FA cup."
`
`
"If you wish to send anything in to 'Blackmail' send it by registered mail to the address shown on your screen"
(On the screen)
Blackmail Studio
3rd washroom along
Victoria Street Staion


That's all for now, I've just decided that I have to get out more.....

[ 07 September 2001: Message edited by: Flying_Circus. ]

captainowie
7th Sep 2001, 17:10
Right. Stop it now. This thread has gone on long enough is getting too silly.

Velvet
7th Sep 2001, 18:29
And now for something completely different

dingducky
7th Sep 2001, 19:38
every sperm is sacred
every sperm is great
if a sperm is wasted
god gets quite irate
:D ;) :D

widgeon
7th Sep 2001, 22:25
(a customer walks in the door)
Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Owner: Peckish, sir?
Customer: Esuriant.
Owner: Eh?
Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Owner: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some cheese.
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Owner: Sorry?
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Owner: Sorry.
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Owner: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Owner: No.
Customer: Lipta?
Owner: No.
Customer: Lancashire?
Owner: No.
Customer: White Stilton?
Owner: No.
Customer: Danish Brew?
Owner: No.
Customer: Double Goucester?
Owner: No.
Customer: Cheshire?
Owner: No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Owner: No.
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Owner: No.
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fAcking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........!
Customer: What now?
Owner: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
(pause)
Customer: Gouda?
Owner: No.
Customer: Edam?
Owner: No.
Customer: Case Ness?
Owner: No.
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Owner: No.
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Owner: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
Customer: Greek Feta?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Owner: no
Customer: Parmesan,
Owner: no
Customer: Mozarella,
Owner: no
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Owner: no
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Owner: no
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Owner: no
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?
Owner: Well, we don't get mch call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
Owner: 'Illchester, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir...
.....nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Owner: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Owner: No.
Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.