View Full Version : Christmas Songs - alternative words

Hersham Boy
14th Dec 2001, 14:19
OK - let's get this Xmas show on the road...

We need Christmas songs with their alternative words. Feel free to consult yuong siblings or offspring, or even to make them up yourself.

Best of the bunch will be recorded by S Club 7 (no, not really) and broadcast after the Queen's Speech (also a fib).

I wish I could remember more of a previously sung version of the old Christmas classic:

Jingle Bells,
Batmans smells,
Robin flew away...

Anyone know the rest?


14th Dec 2001, 14:58
If you fancy something a little more "colourful" then you may wish to pay this site a visit and look for "Kev's Christmas" - Guaranteed to make you laugh, but best not played to near to your Granny! http://kevin.bloody.wilson.com.au/

Just check out "Roo Dog The Wet Nosed Cross Breed" - a classic in the making

Ho! Ho! F***ing Ho!

:D :D :D

[ 14 December 2001: Message edited by: DROGNA ]

14th Dec 2001, 20:46
Hersham Boy.

Sounded familiar so I phoned my six year old daughter.

Apparently the version she uses

Jingle bells
Batman smells
Robins run away
Its no fun
When the smelly bum
Keeps farting every day.

Hope that helps.

[ 14 December 2001: Message edited by: Axerock ]

14th Dec 2001, 22:24
In the Show Me State it goes as follows:

Jingle bells
Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost a wheel
And Joker broke his leg.

I think my kids got this one from Bart Simpson:

Joy to the World
Our teacher's dead
We barbecued her head.
What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty.
And round and round it went
And round and round it went.
And round, and round, and round it went.

I heard three kids sing this on a TV show (Jay Leno or David Letterman) a few years ago:

We three kings of Orient are
Smo-o-king a rubber cigar
It was loaded, it exploded
BANG (king #3 falls down)

We two kings of Orient are
Smo-o-king a rubber cigar
It was loaded, it exploded
BANG (king #2 falls down)

I a king of Orient am
Smo-o-king a rubber cigar
It was loaded, it exploded
BANG (king #1 falls down and sings)

Silent night, ...

Does anyone remember the continuation of

Randolph the rowdy cowboy
Had a pair of shiny guns

Gash Handlin
15th Dec 2001, 00:12
Our version of the old classic was...

Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin flew away
The Batmobile lost a wheel
and came off the motorway

anyone remember the words to

While shepherds washed there socks by night??

15th Dec 2001, 01:48
We had a slightly dodgy version of "We three Kings..." at my primary school... it went something like this...

We three kings of Orient are,
One in a Taxi and one in a Car,
One on a scooter, blowing his hooter,
Eating a milky bar.


DX Wombat
15th Dec 2001, 04:20
Gash: While shepherds washed their socks by night all seated round the tub
A bar of Sunlight soap came down and they began to scrub.
I've got some others somewhere I'll have to dig them out. There is a good aussie version of The Twelve Days of Christmas - involves koalas, galahs, snakes, emus etc. Must go and see if I can find it!

Edited because I forgot about the soap!

[ 15 December 2001: Message edited by: DX Wombat ]

Captain Cessna
15th Dec 2001, 05:49
While shepherds washed their socks by night all watching ITV, the angel of the lord came down and switched to BBC.

15th Dec 2001, 07:02
Through the mists:

Hark! The herald angels sing,
Beecham's Pills are just the thing!
Move ye gently! Move ye mild!
Two for an adult, one for a child.
Regular administration
's just the thing for constipation.
How can man to art aspire
If his soul is not on fire?
How can man to art aspire
If his soul is not on fire?

15th Dec 2001, 08:16
Santy baby
I need a new guitar pick... and how,
I've used a toenail up 'till now,
Santy baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight. :D

Ed Winchester
15th Dec 2001, 08:25
Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,
With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack,
And no sense of self control.
There must have been some poison
in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit
he dropped dead on the spot.
Frosty the cokehead doesn't worry anymore,
Coz when all is said, and your cold and dead,
Then you never have to score.


Ed Winchester
15th Dec 2001, 08:56
And one for all you Trekkies out there:

From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let it Snow):

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go --
make it so, make it so, make it so. :)

DX Wombat
15th Dec 2001, 17:07
Found it! Trust the Aussies to need their own version.
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me - A kookaburra in a gum tree
2nd day: Two snakes on skis
3rd day: Three wet galahs
4th day: Four lyre birds
5th day Five kangaroos
6th day: Six sharks a-surfing
7th day: Seven emus laying
8th day: Eight dingos dancing
9th day: Nine crocs a-snoozing
10th day: Ten wombats washing
11th day: Eleven lizards leaping
12th day: Twelve possums playing

:D :D :D
Somewhere in the archives I have some alternative NHS carols. If I remember rightly they are just as relevant today as they were about 20 years ago. I'll have a look for them but don't hold your breath. ;) :D :D

15th Dec 2001, 19:08
feck the whores
and steal their lolly
tony draper stole my brolly

15th Dec 2001, 21:27
Widgeon, if you're missing a fur hat with ear flaps, Drapers got that too. :)

15th Dec 2001, 22:20
well i have another one that comes to mind

Down in Fragile rock
grab a fragile by the cock
swing im round your head
now the fragiles dead......

merry xmas and happy nude year to you all anyway

16th Dec 2001, 01:12
Ive got one we can wotk on together
He is first stanza .
Oh little clown name Beckenham
Where did you get that hair ?

tony draper
16th Dec 2001, 02:08
The Holly was in blossom, an' the year was ending soon,
When Widgeon hit the town, likewise the bash of pprune .
The frost was on the fodder an' the wind was growin' keen,
When Widgeon , got to seein' snakes, in Sullivan's shebeen.

Then in meandered Capt'n Prune, once comrade of the cup:
"Oh Widgeon, for the love of Mike, why don't ye sober up?
I've got the gorgus recipay, 'tis smooth an' slick as silk --
Jest quit yer strangle-holt on hooch, an' irrigate with milk.

Deepest apologies to Mr Service. ;)

[ 16 December 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Ed Winchester
16th Dec 2001, 09:33
Santa Claus Is Wielding A Gun

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day

Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)

He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was red

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is wielding a gun

16th Dec 2001, 14:09
i like the songs by weird al yankovic:

the night santa went crazy
christmas at ground zero

Ed Winchester
16th Dec 2001, 17:24
Just for you ding (and everyone who has no idea who weird Al Yankovic is!!),

Here are the lyrics for 'The Night Santa Went Crazy' (http://lyricspoint.com/wealyatnswc.shtml)

Merry Xmas

16th Dec 2001, 21:48
Mr Draper to quote a famous Newfie politician.
I deny the allegations and defy the alligators.
My occasional lapses into slurred speech and unsteady gait are no way connected to my consumption of alchahol.
In fact I have resolved not to drink any more , any more than I used to that is.
Seasons grettings ho ho ho.

17th Dec 2001, 10:31
This is one I remember from my primary school days:

Deck the halls with kerosene
Fa lalalalalalalala

Light a match and watch it gleam
Fa lalalalalalalala

Watcht the school burn down in ashes
Fa lalalalalalalala

Aren't you glad you played with matches?
Fa lalalalalalalala

17th Dec 2001, 12:32

what's a fragile? or do you mean a fraggle?

Evening Star
17th Dec 2001, 13:28

My primary school version ended:

'Smoking a fat cigar'.

You obviously went to better class of primary school than me. :)

Another version of 'We Three Kings' I recall from my primary school days goes:

'We Three Kings of Leicester Square.
Selling knickers, tuppence a pair.
No elastic, how fantastic.
Very dangerous to wear.' :eek:

[ 17 December 2001: Message edited by: Evening Star ]

Kermit 180
17th Dec 2001, 13:34
Someone should put the Dingster on to those 3 Kings for a Underwear bargain :D

Hersham Boy
17th Dec 2001, 14:17
Excellent effort, chaps and chapesses...

I've just remembered a particularly amusing 're-recording' of Eminem's "Stan" that Chris Moyles (tubby Radio 1 DJ) did called "Stanta"...

Unfortunately, I've lost the MP3 I had of it - I am imploring anyone who has it to get posting. very funny.



Ed Winchester
17th Dec 2001, 19:31
Hersham Boy,

Since you so politely implored:

'Stanta' parody by Chris Moyles

Dear Santa,
I wrote to you but you still ain't calling
Christmas is just around the corner and snow is falling
I sent two letters back in autumn
I guess you haven't got them yet
Unless you did and you just haven't replied you fat lazy git
What's up man? You been out again playing golf?
Anyways what's happening? Say hi to my mate Rudolph
I think he's a crazy raindeer as it goes
With them silly dumb ass ancklers and that crazy red nose

Anyway forget about that man, here's my present list
I hope I get what I want or I'll be well p****d
I want one of them scooters to ride around on,
A Kylie Minogue calendar, and a god damn pokemon
Hey what about them toys from TVs Robot Wars?
That ain't difficult, you get them in all department stores
Anyways I got to go now Santa
Got to go down the gym to stay trim
Write back soon, this is Slim


Dear Santa
You still ain't called or wrote
What's going on?
I've been thinking that I've done something wrong
I wrote to you already man, in fact I wrote to you twice
This year I ain't been naughty, in fact I've been real nice
By the way, be careful round this neighbourhood - don't get whacked
I don't want my presents being stolen out of your big sack
I'm gonna leave some mince pies at the bottom of the chimney
Hey Santa you gotta write back...fax me, ring me
My girlfriend thinks I'm strange, I talk about you all the time
I can't wait to meet you Santa when you come round to mine
Don't forget my presents man, I need that picachu
If I don't get it there'll be no turkey for me...I'll be eating reindeer stew
I didn't mean to threaten you man, that's just my way
Hey any chance when you come I could ride your magic sleigh?
Anyway Santa go get my presents ready
I gotta go see my lady
Write back soon, this is Shady


Dear Mr "I'm to busy eating mince pies to write to my fans"
You big fat red mother f****r
I've been sending you letters for 6 months now
Why ain't you been writing back you fat lazy cow?
I hope you choke whilst drinking your eggnog
You silly fat ugly lazy pig dog
Sitting on your fat ass talking to Rudolph and Blitzen
I'm here with no presents man, I'm f*****g bitching
You ain't wrote back man, that crime is heinous
I hope Rudolph's antlers kebeb your tiny p***s
I hope you fall out that sleigh and fall in yellow snow
You come down my chimney I'll tell you where to go
When you get to the bottom don't be expecting mince pies
You'll be talking to my fist right between your f*****g eyes
How ya gonna fly when ya sleigh is on a bridge
You and your stupid reindeer
You bunch of...
I'm cycling in the rain on my 10 speed bike
But when I rock the mike, I rock the mike right
All I wanted was presents but you couldn't stop meddling
Hey shut up elf and keep on peddling
Sorry Santa, that's one of your elves going side saddle
I found him last night so I'm taking him for a paddle
So Santa it seems you're out of luck
You can shove Christmas up your ass you fat f**k

Sincerely yours...this is Stan...


Dear Slim
I meant to write to you sooner
But I've been busy - all this flying business makes me quite dizzy
I'm flattered that you talk about me all the time
Your girlfriend shouldn't get upset...it's hardly a crime
Here's a question I'd like to ask if I mable
Have you ever been described as being slightly unstable?
The reason I ask is that you want a Picachu
That toy's for a 5 year old...what the f**k's wrong with you?
As for kidnapping my elf...not a good plan
I'll rip your f*****g head off you crazy mad man
I'm gonna bust you up real bad you dirty little scrote
I'll rip your head off and shove a Pokemon down your throat
You don't deserve any presents coz you're f*****g loopy
You soft pussy girl I'm gonna give you a snoopy
Coz you bust my balls for so long here's what I'll do
On the night of Christmas Eve I'm coming to get you
You see, I may be Santa but I'm rock hard
I could kill a man with just a Christmas card
When you stole my elf you made me sick
I've had elves stolen from me before you thick...
There was this one guy who had an elf on a bike
He drove him into a river late one night
And on the basket on the front there was a letter
But it didn't say who it was to
Come to think about it...it was you.


Ho Ho Ho...Merry Christmas!

A Comfy Chair
22nd Dec 2001, 18:57
(To: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
So I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized,
I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices,
Turned and found the place was occupied,
By three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse,
Than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse?

The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
It must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in,
I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace,
And hit me with her bag.
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day!

The restroom door said 'Gentlemen',
And I would like to find,
The crummy little creep,
Who had the nerve to switch the sign.
Because I've got two black eyes,
And one high heel up my behind.
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
Boy oh boy!
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.

23rd Dec 2001, 04:26
For some real classics like "Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire", "Twelve Pains of Christmas","Osama Got Run Over By Reindeer" and "Walking Around in Women's Underwear" try a visit to <a href="http://www.twistedtunes.com." target="_blank">www.twistedtunes.com.</a> You can e-mail them to annoy all your friends, lovely!

[ 22 December 2001: Message edited by: BuzzLightyear ]</p>

23rd Dec 2001, 07:25
I remember a little ditty we sang in Vietnam in the sixties
Jingle bells, mortar shells, VC in the grass, take your Merry Christmas, and shove it up your arse.

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