View Full Version : Quotes from the flightdeck

chief wiggum
5th Dec 2003, 21:50
Need a good "pickmeup... " any body got some good quotes that people say from time to time up the pointy end ????

I shall start ....

Capt " I love it when a plan comes together " ... from "the A-Team"

THIRSTY Capt " Set combat power.. the beers are getting warm" (last flight of the day)

cocky capt "The only thing that can F**k us now is God.... " (famous last words)

Ex cocky capt "Look at those big buggas (CB's) ... mother nature is pulling rank!!!!"

anyone else got some good ones ???

6th Dec 2003, 00:49
"Gee, this NAS thing hasn't caused many problems now, has it?"

6th Dec 2003, 05:03
".....go for throttle up...."

6th Dec 2003, 05:35
We should be out of this soon! :ok:

It can't get much worse! :sad:

Don't worry about that, the WX is never that bad at :confused:

6th Dec 2003, 05:48
"What's it doin' now?

6th Dec 2003, 05:59
How about from an ATC when asked by another why he had cleared a jet at FL350 through an active rocketry restricted area,

"Bah, wockets don't fly THAT high..."

6th Dec 2003, 07:29
Irish captain getting bounced around in CB.

Beejesas I dont like this...lets do a quick 360 and fook off outa here !

Prop's ????
6th Dec 2003, 09:31
"It's [email protected]#ked, it's just [email protected]#ked!"


6th Dec 2003, 10:12
I was lining up the 747 a few years ago, and the near-60 age Captasin reached up the body gear steering switch and said, "Lock the tailwheel?"
Couldn't stop giggling for minutes ....

More to come as I remember them.

Barbers Pole
6th Dec 2003, 10:12
"The fat ones yours"

The Enema Bandit
6th Dec 2003, 10:23
Hey bittch, bring the food up here NOW!

6th Dec 2003, 10:54
How about when asked by ATC for the POB the reply,

"225 souls on board , and the captain!! :) :)

6th Dec 2003, 11:39
'What;s it doing NOW?'

'She must be new!'

'Was that for us?'

Hugh Jarse
6th Dec 2003, 14:00
Watch This! ......................:E

6th Dec 2003, 14:10
"Another 1000 feet and we'll be above this $hit"

6th Dec 2003, 15:01
Ginger Beers' favourite used to be..

'Cabin attendants, prepare your drawers for the arrival'.

Transition Layer
6th Dec 2003, 16:07
"Yeah we're visual"


6th Dec 2003, 17:34
Here's a "Quickie"

Smart young FO heading for the top of the slide, hot, not configured, leaving things a bit late, starts to come unstuck and is trying to retain a semblance of competency...

Crusty old Captain looks on and says... "You think you're f#cking this cat? You aren't even holding its tail!"

Another "Quickie"....

"Then we were inside the thing [CB], aeroplane shaking like a dog sh!tting pinecones...."


6th Dec 2003, 17:56
From conceited pilot: "Thats a good idea, I'm glad I thought of that."

After foreign accent controller's instruction: "Did you get that?"

From an ex RAAF female controller at a certain GAAP tower (with 3 parallel runways) who was very highly strung: "All stations listen out before transmitting, show some airmanship"

"Don't worry its just a little rainshower/just a bit of lightning."

In reference to flying a closer approach/circuit than desired: "Its a bit tight but I hear thats the way you like it"

As an aside, humourous to hear an ATIS quote "cloud scattered 1000, broken 2000 with lower patches" How many lower patches does it take to make a FEW?

6th Dec 2003, 18:07
... or that classic pre-CFIT clanger....

"What's that mountain goat doing all the way up here?"


Prop's ????
6th Dec 2003, 18:10
A while ago just before pushback I was with a female captain.

The aircraft dispatcher called up and said,

“Ground to cockpit,”

the captain replied

“Box office to ground”


6th Dec 2003, 20:14
"He did say 16 right.............didn't he?"

6th Dec 2003, 20:39
"I'm the check capt, I will tell you how it's done not the manual and your CRM skills need to be improved".

"Any questions from you will indicate a lack of knowlege".

Both from a previous life!!!!!


Islander Jock
6th Dec 2003, 23:07
Flying a fairly tight arc to intercept an outbound radial on IFR flight test.
Examiner: "Good enough for government work"

I always wondered if that had any reference to the fact that the govt was paying at the time?:)

7th Dec 2003, 05:25
"He is clear that Panam isn't he.??"

"Oh yes."

7th Dec 2003, 15:53
Capt's statement to F/O as he sets t/o pwr " You have control, dont [email protected] it up " !!!!!

rescue 1
8th Dec 2003, 07:06
Do you want the chicken?

Howard Hughes
8th Dec 2003, 07:29
Nice landing captain!! (yeah right)

Captain Stoobing
8th Dec 2003, 07:43
FO to Capt at 50' on final..............

"That FA we had dinner with last night takes it up the A##!!!"

It made me lose it.


8th Dec 2003, 08:17
Post removed.......

My apologies to concerned parties - underestimated the lengths some will go to in order to reveal identities......

8th Dec 2003, 12:42
On a busy London morning after a total radar failure, the approach controller in his calmest best british accent:

"Ladies and Gentleman, London radar has failed. Dismount and proceed on foot"

Capn Bloggs
8th Dec 2003, 19:49
Capt to FO:

"You're not a co-pilot laddie, your my voice-activated autopilot"!

"I am a firm believer in CRM: I'm the Captain, you're the Resource, and I'll Manage you any way I bloody-well like"!

Pinky the pilot
9th Dec 2003, 16:14
And the old favourites.......

'Why is it doing that?'

'Where the hell are we?'

' Oh s**t!!!'

You only live twice. Once when
you're born. Once when
you've looked death in the face.

I'm gone!
9th Dec 2003, 16:25
Sorry folks to hijack,

That was one of the best ever, especially considering the outcome!
I hope CR is keeping up the good work over there!:}

I'm gone!

9th Dec 2003, 17:38
TRUE STORYS.....................

FOs P.A. to cabin; "Cabin Crew be seated for lift-off"


A couple of "Asiaboys" sitting amongst the rubble of their recently destroyed 737...........

"Aaahhh, Wang! What mean WHOOP, WHOOP, PULL UP????" :=

And again.....

Captain to the delightful young thang serving his lunch.............

(Delivered in the most sincere Captain tone...)

"You have the smallest waist I have ever seen! I don't know how you fit all your organs in...........but I wonder if we could fit in one more??:}


After the F/Os less than delicate arrival, the Capt jumps on the P.A. "Ahhh, folks, that was the FOs landing........."

The FO is understandably pissed off.

Next landing the Capt. drives the mains about a foot through the runway........FO jumps on the P.A. "Folks, how about the Capts landing, huh?"

The mortified Capts begs, "What the hell are you doing?????"

F.o."Well you did the same on my landing!!"

Capt. "Yeah, but I didn't key the bloody mike!!!!" :ok: :ok:

10th Dec 2003, 15:43
The "Belch from hell" signalled Capt Serious was incoming, I'll add on Co. freq.

This time though it didn't eminate from the tinny company radio speaker, but the crisp tower one!

Thinking the groundies had missed it, he repeated twice more before realising what had occured, but adding half of "[email protected]$k!" to the tower tape before switching over!!

There was much pants pissing in crew room. Whats most amazing is he never got found out!

Capt Claret
10th Dec 2003, 17:47
Captain when #3 failed shortly after take-off. What the fukc was that?

F/O after conversation with skipper (now with Makair) where skipper says he's always wanted to say to ATC on first contact, On top and about to enter!

10th Dec 2003, 19:21
"CATHAY 100 are you visual?"

"In and out of bottoms, CATHAY 100!"

...............said with the appropriate lisp!!:ok:

11th Dec 2003, 06:23
Heard on Darwin Approach frequency many years ago:

Controller (female trainee): Coastwatch 21, after Charles Point which way would you like to be routed?

CW21 (male pilot): Darling, after Charles Point you can route me any way you like!

Later heard on the grapevine, CW21 pilot was required to phone RAAF SATCO after landing in Kununurra to explain his comments otherwise the old dreaded CA225 was to be submitted.

11th Dec 2003, 06:31
Former Px Captain on being asked by an engineer what the problem was, replied "the F#&king F#&kers F#&ked."

Time Bomb Ted
11th Dec 2003, 07:46
Capt: "I've been up all night."

F/O: "Why's that Skipper?"

Capt: "Bloody F/A banging on my door all night."

F/O: "What did you do about it?"

Capt: " I eventually let her out. I needed to sleep."

compressor stall
11th Dec 2003, 09:05
"Terrain, Terrain!" (from GPWS)

"Shutup Gringo!".

11th Dec 2003, 11:18
Late 50's on a Mickey Mouse DC3 ex-Kunnunura.

New stewardess asks the boys if they would like a cup of coffee.

Grunt of acknowledgement from the grumpy old ****** in the LHS.

'And how would you like it Captain?'
'Same as me wimin...hot and sweet!'
And with an angelic smile, 'Would that be black or white?' .

11th Dec 2003, 13:06
Captain after CRM course.. "Well as far as I can see, instead of me turning to an FO and saying, "You're a ********", I should now turn to him and say.." I think you are a ********..what do you think?"

Cockpit Door-Closed
12th Dec 2003, 02:08
Old Classic captain answering an interphone call.....

" Heaven,...God speaking! "

12th Dec 2003, 11:18
On answering the interphone:

"The flightdeck is currently unattended. Please leave a message after the beep..."


ATC: "All aircraft go around"


Mobile phone makes that dit-dit-dit noise in the headset speakers. Captain subjects crew to an outburst directed at whichever passenger brought the thing on board and then: "oh sh!t" turns around, takes his mobile out of his bag and says: "don't I feel like the village idiot!"


CPT to FO after hard landing: "I think my fillings have come out"


FA to crew mid-south Indian Ocean: "I'm always amazed how they get those bouys (waypoints) all the way down here"

12th Dec 2003, 11:30
Female FA to Captain after a day of hard landings by the flight crew "Gees, captain if you boys are going to make more hard landings it would be appreciated if you could give us girls some advance notice so that we can wear our sports bras!"

Ralph the Bong
12th Dec 2003, 12:15
"In my life, I've had 17 cars and 7 wives. Ya know, in each case, 4 of 'em were my own".

Capt Fathom
12th Dec 2003, 12:52
Three of the most dangerous things in aviation:
Two Check Captains flying together A doctor in a Bonanza Hostie with a chipped tooth!

12th Dec 2003, 17:06
"Goggles on, chocks away.... last one back's a homo!"
(Black Adder series)

12th Dec 2003, 17:43
Old captain I used to fly with when asked by FA (female) how he liked his coffee would reply, "Like my women, hot, white, sweet and weak."

Towering Cu
12th Dec 2003, 17:53
The immortal words of PW at 200 feet, having once been chided for not giving enough support during his sim cyclics:

"Stick with it!"

12th Dec 2003, 19:54
Chieftain outclimbing a preceding twin otter on departure out of a CTAF and intercepting a similar outbound...

"ABC, just coming inside you now"

Hope he took precautions.

Capn Bloggs
12th Dec 2003, 20:18
FO to Captain at 500ft after takeoff on a 4 hour sector:

"we there yet?".

distracted cockroach
15th Dec 2003, 14:57
F/o handing over control after landing - "your problem!"

On engine shutdown - "well, another win for the insurance company"

Flight attendant after landing - "holy s#&t Captain, was that a landing or were we shot down?"

15th Dec 2003, 15:36
Captain clicking A/P out:

"Motion coming on!"

15th Dec 2003, 16:10
I'll never forget conversing among a small group of pilots at a flying school when a fresh student just came back from his first 'low level' beat up around the training area. He was ecstatic and couldn't contain himself with the excitement of this low flying thing.

Amongst this group was a rather senior crop dusting guru, after listening for a little while to the students' story the croppy asked "how high were you?"

"500 foot" replied the student.

"500 foot" quipped the croppy "you need bloody oxygen up there, come with me boy i'll show you some low flying"

When they got back the student was rather quiet, pale and didn't know what part of the airframe to start clearing the foliage from!

15th Dec 2003, 17:24
Out of context - sorry, but to inspire confidence....

Busy location, newly rated Approach controller - v. busy scenario, sh!t everywhere - approaching saturation.

Turns to adjacent controller and says

" Hey XXXXX, what do you think about these two?

Response "Yeah let 'im go mate - he'll be OK".

"Alpha Bravo Golf climb to FL270"

"Oh - you meant those two"



"Would like controller assistance with your arrival maam or would you prefer to do it yourself"

Monkey Magic
15th Dec 2003, 19:17
Flight instructor to student: Please describe ground effect for me.

Student: (In a very cocky tone) I think you'll find it's called GRAVITY.

galaxy flyer
16th Dec 2003, 09:18

By my handle, you can tell my plane. Did one of our crews really say that? And when? I'm not on a witch hunt, but PC is so much a part of the USAF, I'm surprised.

BTW: Darwin Control? or Pilot?


16th Dec 2003, 17:52
ATC- "CZA are you happy if I get you to come inside Paula?"

CZA- " I would love to come inside Paula!"

Whenever we had a jumpseat passenger who sat in for landing I would always say when it all went quiet at the gate:
"Another life in the day of an airline pilot!"

17th Dec 2003, 01:25
My Apologies, I should know better than to identify you guys. However, this did occur, 'may I say, many moons ago' (8-10 years) at Richmond.
X-controller. And I must say the flying Yanks are very professional and always polite no matter the extra track miles they may get.
Post has been removed.
All the best Sir.

17th Dec 2003, 07:15
Couldn't resist:

Citation/B206 pilot

"I'll make this airspace safer even if it kills them".

Time Bomb Ted
18th Dec 2003, 12:05
After a shocking landing by the F/O that turned the cabin into a "Rubber Jungle".

Capt:"Get on the PA and apologise for that landing you idiot!"

F/O:"Ladies and Gentleman, the Captain has asked me to apologise for that last landing. Thank you."

What a ripper.


18th Dec 2003, 13:05
In the good 'ol days............

After the push-back;

From the "unbelievely acceptable" FEMALE lame; "Park brakes."

From the Capt.;"Brakes parked........and err, thanks that was an excellent tug!!"

Oh dear!!! :ok:

Nuthery from those days...........

Little thang serving the Capt his meal. She does so and then notices something missing from the tray..............

Capt;" Thanks, this looks great."

Little thang;" Oh hang on, I will just grab your nuggets"

Capt;" Oh okay. Would you like the F/O to wait outside?":E

Heh, heh. I laughed for days.

Monkey Magic
18th Dec 2003, 16:23


Thanks for a good laugh:ok:

18th Dec 2003, 16:43


Monkey Magic
23rd Dec 2003, 09:13
A Tiger Moth is asked to hold at the runway while a B747 lands. The 747 lands, rolls out and begins to depart the runway. When taxying past the holding point the 747 Captain gets on the radio and says to the Tiger Moth pilot;
"Thats a cute little plane you have there, did you make it yourself?" followed by laughter.
The Tiger Moth pilot (our hero) replies;
"Yeah I made it out of 747 parts. If you make another landing like that I'll be able to make a second!"

23rd Dec 2003, 18:47
737 to a 172 on 5 mile final (with headwinds), "What are you in? A rowboat?"
172 pilot, "At least I own mine" :)

BA146 on long final gets cut off by muster pilot flying extremely tight circuit...
146,"Gee, you're a bit of a cowboy aren't ya?"
172, (with appropriate tune)"...and you can be my cowgirl" :D

24th Dec 2003, 06:57
Farcu ..... I think you will find that the PX Pilot actualy said "The fark&*4 thing is totally fark&*4 well Fark&*4 far&*ed.
I think his name was the mad Hungarian.

24th Dec 2003, 07:17
I heard the Pixie pilot actually said: "The f-----g Fokkers totally f----d!"

But which PNG personality coined the phrase: "The f-----g Fokkers chokka, Okka!" when off loading stand by passengers?


26th Dec 2003, 11:47
Fa to Capt (thinking she had missed the seat belt sign comming of to let her out of her seat)

Fa "Capt have you dinged me yet?"

Capt "give me a chance I've only been at this base a week"

(ironically many months later.......)

Fris B. Fairing
28th Dec 2003, 06:40

Interesting exercise to track down the originator of "the Fokker's chokker ocker". I was led to believe that it originated at Eenie Weenie but I'm sure you heard it long before I did.

EWL any comment?


The Voice
28th Dec 2003, 07:31
a zillionteen years ago .. YPDN HF International at dark o'clock and still well north if the Oz FIR by a thousand miles

DN DN QF 123 ...

QF 123 DN ..usual answer

him: thank god! a friendly voice, and no accent .. why are you not at home tucked up in bed ...

her: because I've been hanging around here waiting for you to call!!

simple, but hell I laughed .... he was only about 2.5 hours N of the bdry!!