View Full Version : Bilbo Baggins' Excellent Adventure

Tricky Woo
12th Dec 2001, 13:48
by the Jet Blasters.

Chapter One

In a hole, in the ground, there lived a hobbit. His name was Bilbo Baggins, and by jingo, he was a queer one: he was about 5'10" tall, dark curly-haired, English with a cheeky smile, and had a very funny accent; just like that nice Alan Titmarsh, the bloke from BBC Groundforce.

Bilbo's grassy hole was in a quiet corner of a quiet part of Middle Earth, known to hobbits, wizards and dwarves alike as the Shire: York-Shire, to be strictly accurate; or even Yorkshire, in local parlance.

It's in Yorkshire, ok?

Anyway! All was well in the Shire that day: Bilbo had just spent a stress-free afternoon smoking his cannabis pipe, and carefully perusing his valuable collection of artistic magazines, when suddenly his door bell rang out very loudly.

"Oo the 'ell could tha' be?", he asked himself.

He pulled his britches up from round his ankles, and quickly hid his Penthouse magazines. Hobbits are secretive like that. Especially Yorkshire ones.

He wrenched open his round, wooden door... only no one was there!

"Wha' th' f*ck? Are them kids playin' knock an' run again? I'll kick their arses i' I catch 'em...", he said, in surprise.

"Hello", squeaked a friendly voice, "we're down here".

Bilbo looked down, and espied a pair of jolly looking dwarves.

"We're here for the throng... whatever that is", the squeaky voice continued.

"Throng? Wha' f*ckin' throng? You think us Yorkshire hobbits 're made o' f*ckin' money... HEY!", he said futilely, as the pair of dwarves brushed straight past him. Determined chaps, those dwarves, when they get an idea in their heads.

Bilbo was just trying to persuade them to leave, when the door bell rang out again.

Four more dwarves... and another three on the way up the path behind them.

"Wha' th' 'ell is goin' on?", he pondered to himself, "this is gettin' to be like a f*ckin' Fellini movie".

An hour later, and Bilbo was surrounded by twelve happy dwarves, all busily thronging their little hearts out. Bless 'em. Bilbo's underground flat looked like a bomb had hit it: smashed plates, crushed crisps in the carpet, spilled beer and whisky. Two of the dwarves were arm-wrestling, another four were trying to debag the smallest, one was trying to find a window to throw up out of... futile in an underground house, of course.

The door bell rang again... only this time there wasn't a dwarf at the door... there was a tall wizard!

"Ahh", said Gandalf looking with pleasure at the devastation, "I see the throng is in full swing... take my hat, will you?"

Gandalf was tall, dark and attractive. He had an aqualine nose, posh bearing and softy southern accent. Just like Alan Rickman, of Truly, Madly, Deeply, in fact. Of course all the birds fancy him like heck. A handsome southern ****, as they say up north.

A speechless Bilbo followed Gandalf into the impromptu throng, wizard hat clutched tightly in his hands.

This was proving to be a most strange afternoon!

"QUIET EVERYONE!", shouted Gandalf.

The room fell into silence. A lone dwarf continued to retch, otherwise all listened attentively to the powerful wizard. Good idea when you're only 4'6" tall.

"Er... dragons, giants, journey, ring, treasure, mountain, mysteries, adventure, risks, rewards, orcs, fairies, etc, etc", Gandalf explained to the assembly, "so pack your things, we leave immediately".

The dwarves immediately began preparations for the journey. They rummaged around Bilbo's house for all the necessary supplies. Also a few unnecessary ones.

"Wha' th' f*ck 're you talkin' about", said the surprisingly foul-mouthed hobbit, "I'm not goin' anywhere wi' you an' yer f*ckin' circus. Oo the 'ell 're you, anyway?".

Gandalf eyed Bilbo with a touch of distate palpable on his face.

"Gandalf's the name. Powerful wizard. Need dwarves. Rules, you see. Also need hobbit. Part of formula. Pack things. Leave now."

"No' much o' a talker, 're you?", said Bilbo, "Need a better reason ter go wi' you than tha'".

"Don't disappoint. Wand. Nasty spell. Frog? Cockroach? Taliban? No, frenchman! Mean it", said Gandalf persuasively.

"Well, i' yer put i' like tha'", said Bilbo.

And with that, the long journey began...

12th Dec 2001, 15:21

gravity victim
12th Dec 2001, 17:28
Excellent, Tricky! You have just saved me from having to plough through the damn book, which my family are trying to make me do before dozing through two hours- plus of it at the flicks.

I gather it is all a bit short of female interest anyway. Was JRR Tolkien, like so many of his fellow dons, a bit light on his feet that way?

tony draper
12th Dec 2001, 17:35
I think Hollywood has managed to parachute a bird into their version, only one in the book, as I recal and Bilbo got nowt there.
Know what you mean I found the books hard going also. ;)

Tricky Woo
12th Dec 2001, 17:45
Chapter Two


"So", said Bilbo, "do any o' these short little f*ckers 'ave names, or what?"

"Names? Hmm... suppose so". Gandalf looked a bit confused for a while, then brightened as he had an idea: "Ok, chaps, time for a roll call. Names. Loud and clear".

A clicque of seven dwarves started first. There was something a bit shifty and sullen about them, Bilbo thought, and how right he was to be proven:








"Ahh", said Bilbo, "th' famous friends o' Snow White. 'Eard you lot got sacked by the Disney Corporation fer gang-bangin' 'er".

"They couldn't prove a thing", said Doc, "she was never a virgin when she turned up at our place, and she sure as hell wasn't a virgin when she left. Prince Charming, cameramen, animators, old Walt Disney himself... she had them all. Right bloody tart, to be honest about it... right lads?"

The other six dwarves nodded their agreement, although Bashful looked a bit embarrassed by it all.

Bilbo looked at another group of three:




"Er, weren't you lot glove puppets once?", asked Bilbo.

"Retired, mate", said Soo, "Bit of a relief, to be honest. Me always dressed up in drag, and all. Me and the boys got sick of that Matthew Corbett and his big, cold hands".

"Not like his father, Harry", said Sooty, "Now there was a proper gentleman... warm, slim hands, too".

Bilbo turned his attention to the last two: "Wha' about you two, eh"?


"Hardy", said the fat one, "don't even ask".

"Fair enough", said Bilbo.

Tricky Woo
12th Dec 2001, 17:51
Hi All,

Hmm, I thought we'd stick to taking the p!ss out of The Hobbit, rather than taking on the full, sweeping, majestic canvas that is Lord of the Rings. We'll rip that to shreds later, I'm sure.

As for old JRR being a bit of a shirt-lifter, I can't say. Might come as a surprise to his son, Christopher, though. Did you know JRR was the bestest pal of CS Lewis?

Er, not a lot of people know that.

...at least until they had a big bust up over the Narnia books. Funny fellows, these Oxford dons, argue about anything.

All contributions to this thread gratefully received.


tony draper
12th Dec 2001, 18:03
A thin gaunt figure lurks in the bushes, he is bald and emaciated his fingers are long and skeletal, the knuckles swollen with years of playing Falcon 4, his once handsome face contorts with hate as he hisses
"Nasssty Hobbitsss Tricky, hasss precioussss, oh yessss, you bet, poor golum tony will get hobbitssss, make hobbitsis squeeeeeeel, oh yesss, get precious back, where golums little axe, ah yessss.
The figure slinks after the very tall figure with the hat,and the unfeasably tall Hobbit.

[ 12 December 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

13th Dec 2001, 01:30
Did you know that JRR Tolkien can be Hobbit forming?

13th Dec 2001, 08:42
Erm..., I'd love to contribute, but it's been so long since I've read it, I've got no hope. I may have to do some research..... :rolleyes:

13th Dec 2001, 09:25
MissieGreen : "Caught you, you dirty old ******."
MasterGreen : Clutching at trousers in an instinctive reaction - "Wot?"
MissieGreen : "Reading that JetBlast filth again. I have told you before !!"
MasterGreen : "But they are extracting the urine out of the 'Bored with the Rings' , sweetie. If I don't get in there soon I will be left without a suitable character to vilify."
MissieGreen : "Vilify, VILIFY!!. Next time you vilify anything at all on that stupid Sinclair computer thing I am straight round to the police and they can deal with it !!"
MasterGreen : "But it's only a hobby..."

An expression of interest - standby for the post .

[ 13 December 2001: Message edited by: MasterGreen ]

13th Dec 2001, 11:22
Hate to quibble MasterGreen but 'Bored of/with (?) the Rings' was published by Harvard Lampoon circa early 1970's.
A fine parody that deserves re-printing :D :rolleyes:

13th Dec 2001, 11:58
CoodaShooda - I ment exactly what I wrote. "Bored" is a fine parody and I assumed that this is what we are playing with. Heaven forbid anyone would take a liberty with the original. The licence offered by the likes of Frito, Spam, Fatlip and Old Poop of Backwater are difficult to resist.

Cognito Ergo Boggum

Maybe I am older than you think ... Certainly I am older than I think.


[ 13 December 2001: Message edited by: MasterGreen ]

13th Dec 2001, 14:13
Good news Cooda, Master

It has been, on sale in a branch of Borders near you. I on the other paw still have my original copy. :cool:

[ 13 December 2001: Message edited by: Man-on-the-fence ]

14th Dec 2001, 02:51
Multiple apologies kind sirrahs.
I was misled by the reference to 'extracting the urine' and assumed you referred to the original tome(s).
I still have my copies too...but haven't checked 'em for mould lately. :D

Meanwhile, back at the story......