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Tiger_ Moth
26th Aug 2001, 05:09
How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell by himself


Now lets have some more high quality , super humourous jokes.

Gash Handlin
26th Aug 2001, 05:21
I assume this is the new digression page coz that wasn't a joke :D

ops_bored
26th Aug 2001, 09:28
mary had a little lamb
its mouth was full of blisters
now its on the bonfire
with all its brothers and sisters!
:eek: :eek:

Tiger_ Moth
26th Aug 2001, 23:45
Well at least i tried didnt i!

dingducky
27th Aug 2001, 06:56
yes tiger_moth you are very trying :D :p :D

lame
27th Aug 2001, 11:44
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a
weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.

She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read:
"Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle,
but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old
gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she
could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she
began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something
about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to
try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the
machine, and out comes the card that reads:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health.
So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue
to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of anal air.
She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the
machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't
know.

She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes
a card that reads:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have
sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent
guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is
sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young
man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both
knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked
down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine,
that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine,
put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've fiddled, You've
farted, You've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."

Zippo
27th Aug 2001, 21:35
Unspoken mens rules...

One for the boys


1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.
If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...
...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...
...and it's free.

12. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

16. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.
That's just plain mean.

20. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.
For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
Keep a stopwatch by the phone;
Hang up if necessary.

25. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive hangover.
You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

26. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend "have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car.
It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres.
Thou shall not really buy a car with less than five litres and eight cylinders.

29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange (unless it's a Pacer/Charger) or sky blue.

RW-1
28th Aug 2001, 02:11
One day at the golf club, Bob spots the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Unbelievably, she comes over and suggests they play a round.

She turns out to be a very good player and gives Bob a good game, after which they go back to his place and she gives him a blow job.

This goes on every day for a week, at the end of which Bob says "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can keep this up much longer."

"That's OK," says the woman. "There's something I have to tell you as well. I'm a transvestite."

"You bastard!" exclaims Bob.


"You've been playing off the ladies tees all week!"

RW-1
28th Aug 2001, 02:15
The Farter Chart
(presented for PPRuNe Eaters(I love puns!))

VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
LAZY : Just fizzles
AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
IRREVERENT : Farts in church
SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts for later sniffing
STINGY : Belches to save his ass hole
TIMID : Jumps when he farts
CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself
FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go
GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
DUMB : Enjoys others' farts, thinks they are his own
CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
WISE GUY : Farts and asks who ****
DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
MUSICAL : Tenor or bass, clear as a bell, smells like **** and sounds like hell
ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
IMPUDENT : Farts out loud and then laughs
ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
INTELLECTUAL : Analyzes the smell of his neighbors' fart
WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression circa 1880)

Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent organism frequently betrays his
or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.

Carpet Creepers: Heavier-than-air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere
at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having already left the room.

Fizzlers: Efforts at first promising, but eventual unsatisfactory, at least to the donor;
often surprisingly effective on bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays
disappointment.

One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted sureptitious contributions, usually signified by the artist's
telltale "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they possess
satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.

Poohs: Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on
buses; customarily unacknowledged.

SBDs (Silent But Deadly): Consistant with the Law of the Conservation of Energy, what a
SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in semi-lethal olfactory intensity.
The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about
susupiciously.

Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and
tonal variation; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or frat brothers, or
inspired by presence of officious bureacrat.

Squeegies: Small, immature and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.

Wet Ones (aka Brewers' Farts, grains and all, Fudgies, Playing Misty): Samples are
accompanied by gutteral, rasping or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content.
Originator registers astonishment, dread, then usually departs, walking funny.

RW-1
28th Aug 2001, 02:19
Continuing the topic:

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some
time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at
a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified
chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air
moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart.
Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds
talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart
that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds
maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its
sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can
startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common
fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held
for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is
intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in
history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any
questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what
the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this fart any
further.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually
on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the
cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving
then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with
some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this
reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can
identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all
farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great
loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart
that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then
the second tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known
to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands
for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified
by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart,
yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe
it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that
the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady
farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or
"Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an
old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and
points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away,
sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the
Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is
naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled.
If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure.
Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon.
Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor,
which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you
might think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this
fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart
that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever
encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh **** , which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only
difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head
for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who
farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If
he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health
his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with
him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If
it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name,
as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator
alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length.
It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak.
As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes
on for at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the
tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say,
"Wow, what a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man.
The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression
that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take
half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart.
It is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if
it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the
most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much.
You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a
Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes
him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of
half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than
the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house
and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles
windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all
farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a
fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt, pt, pt-pt, pt-pt-pt,
pop, pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they
say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your
ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it
will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart
in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and
not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around
after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there.

THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow
soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.