Dining In Night Advice!

[5 Forward 6 Back]

Just out of interest, purely hypothetically;

If someone had accidentally gone through 6 pints before a dining in night, how would you recommend he handle the upcoming night with a regard to calls of nature............?

[Cardinal Puff]

Catheterise yerself or get a friendly nurse to do it if you're expecting trouble and strap the accompanying bag to your ankle.

Be the envy of your friends! Girls will admire your stamina! You'll slosh when you walk! Ooops....:E

[donald stott]

I shall tell you what a fellow diner did one night last year.

He started on the Stella at about 1730hrs and had a few socials with the lads. He promptly got showered and changed and, by this time was "Hammered". He arrived in the anti-room for pre-dinner drinks and tipped his hat the PMCs way. He then decided to hit the G&Ts due to boring conversation and then went into the dining room.

After the starter he realized that the Stella plus the G&Ts had filled his bladder to the top. In true Junior Officer fashion he thought he could last the night. Approx half an hour later he was in deep trouble. However he hatched a cunning plan. Knowing one of the Mess staff serving his table he requested an empty milk container. Said member of staff thought it was part of some bizarre joke and abliged. The empty milk container was thus delivered to the Officer and nothing more said. 10 minutes later the Officer called the same member of staff over and gave the milk container back... almost full. She had no idea what it was until the end of the night.

[Jerry Can]

Wear an immersion suit. Might be a tad warm though!

[jEtGuiDeR]

Whilst the plates etc are being cleared away, take off your jacket and slip out in the guise of a waiter. It should work, hypothetically, but If you do get ratted on, you may escape a fine for the sheer tenacity!! :D

[FJJP]

Stand up, walk to the top table and the PMC. Whisper in his ear that you wish to be excused for a short time. When he asks why, tell him that your wife is about to give birth. When he refuses, say to him 'F**CK YOU', walk out and go be with your wife.

On Monday morning, when summonsed to the presence, take new-born, complete with a dirty nappy and a recently removed one in a carrier bag (place on his desk). In the middle of the forthcoming tirade, place baby on desk and proceed to change the other nappy.

That tends to get an invitation to leave the office. Not much more to be said, really.

[It happened - three line whip, no excuses accepted]

[SilsoeSid]

Bit drastic I know, but become a civvi and then you don't have to go through that ordeal.
Surely it must be against human rights to prevent an individual, let alone a body of men, to relieve themselves.
(But that never mattered to most badge men.)

Anyway, i found in the past that the apprehension was the cause of most discomfort.

On the one occasion I chanced the wrath of the RSM etc I boldely stood up and went to the gents to do the biz.
On returning, just before I sat down, I looked the RSM in the eyes and made the 'telephone' gesture.
It worked, as when the port fine time came round, I wasn't 'fined'.

[5 Forward 6 Back]

Thank you all for the sage advice.

To add my own bit of help, I found that getting more drunk on wine seemed to help me forget how much I needed to pee. That said, they won't give me an immersion suit, catheterisation or a newborn (or wife)...........!

240 and below; wish I had your reply before the event, it would have earned some few kudos! Based on your name you might have been there?

[Bill O'Average]

Alternatley, if your sitting opposite some dullard, you could just look him sternly in the eye and pi55 all over his leg. If he is a total dullard, he won't even realise youve sprayed him.

Other routes. Know a tonko mate? Get hold of a piss bag.

Take a bottle of beer in, fill it once youve emptied it.

If youve got the balls, as mentioned before, just get up, walk out and have a slash.

If you are of the Infantry/rock ape persuasion, just swamp in your drinking tracksuit.

[BEagle]

When the first wine comes round, just take the bottle from the serving wench. Fill all available glasses in your immediate area, then use the bottle for the obvious purpose......

However, your aim must be sufficiently accurate to avoid collateral damage if it isn't your lucky night and they're using narrow-necked bottles.

Alternatively, don't be so common as to drink beer beforehand. A few G&Ts followed by a 1955 pre-emptive pee should suffice - and only girls use the so-called 'natural break' which some messes have introduced between the loyal toast and the speeches!

[chippy63]

Watch out for blowback, especially with narrow-necked bottles.

[Dan Winterland]

Those pee sponge bags. Work wonders at Dining ins, never used one in flight though.

A mate of mine who was famous for his tiny bladder always used to carry a bottle of port into the dining room with him. Usually, sometime between the main course and the pud, he would walk staright up to the top table, place the port in front of the PMC and walk out without a word. Nothing was ever said and it became a regular feature of any Dining in at that station.

[keithl]

Don't Messes have those tall, hollow, metal ashtray things any more?

[BLW Skylark 4]

Please excuse my ignorance, but as a civillian (and thus free thanks to you guys to pee when nature dictates) and never having been to a dining in night, what is the issue about getting up and going to the loo like the rest of the populace?

I can appreciate that it would be a tad impolite to do so in the middle of a speech, but cant you get up and excuse yourself either mid course or between courses?

I'm not taking the pee asking this, just mighty suprised that the powers that bee seem intent on turning what should be a pleasant dining experience into some form of medieval torture. Do they have running water features in the mess too...??

BLW

[Bill O'Average]

Or...pick up your own chair (they tend to go walkies if left unattended*), chuck it on your shoulder like a set of agony bags (bag pipes) and march smartly to the heads 'playing' Mull of Kintyre with said chair. Have seen a bloke get away with no fine for that one.


*Have also seen chap who neglected to secure his own seat when on a shanks inspection, return to his place finding a bit of a gap where the furniture should have been, spend the remainder of the evening in a 'Maori squat', pretending his chair was still there. He was a member of the Army Phys Training Corps (they make rockapes look like rocket scientists).

[BEagle]

He's lucky that it was only the chair! Normally the whole place setting would disappear and the diners on each side would spread into the gap.....

One of the advantages of not having a 'natural break' after the loyal toast was that it made the speeches self-limiting in terms of time - it would be a brave PMC or Stn Cdr who droned on too long or had arranged for too many speakers....

[wessex19]

The best I ever saw was a Midshipman vomit on the Captain!!! Tomato soup was served that night. Hard to get that out of Red Sea Rig!!! Not really sure what he did in his next career. Bloody nice bloke though.

[tu chan go]

Heard a story (so not sure of how much truth involved) of a chap who was caught short. This was in the days before the "natural break" was introduced so he was having to endure the speeches.

He had lasted until half way through the Stn Cdr's speech who, unfortunately, was saying farewell to quite a few mess members. The unfortunate chap realised that he was not going to make it to the end and was in great pain. He decided to try and sneak out of the room without being noticed!

He slowly slid down the chair (very slowly!) and ended up on thev floor beneath the table. "Great, no-one has noticed yet" he thought. He made his way down the leg until he was at the end of the tables, directly opposite a door out of the dining room. As it was quite gloomy in the room (only candlelight), he was able to do the "tiger crawl" slowly over to the doors and still no-one had seen him! He opened the door just enough to squeeze out into the corridor and let the door close silently behind him.

"I'm out" he thought, and then stood up quickly. Too quickly, in fact, as he overbalanced and fell backwards throught the door, back into the dining room.

The Staish just said "Hurry up, Bloggs. And on your way back, stop off in the bar and buy a bottle of port, there's a good chap"

[RubiC Cube]

At a recent dinner, female wing commander disappeared as did her chair and setting. When she returned, she asked the gent sitting next to her to move away from the table and promptly sat on his lap and picked up his wine. Very well done I thought.

[BEagle]

Hmm - was she a babe?

[smartman]

Bit off track, but here goes --------

Dining-In Lunch at Muharraq for the Emir and entourage. Soup starter. As 'royal' hand lifts spoon, all his other eating utensils became airborne thanks to pre-lunch tying together of implements with dark cotton thread.

Prior to loyal toasts 'n speeches, as in earlier thread, officer next to me urinates in empty narrow-necked white wine bottle (empty), and also offers me his spare - gratefully accepted.

As Stn Cdr (short, rotund chappy with neat black tash - actually, not unlike the Emir) rises to deliver suitably grovelling words, the pre-positioned Met balloon-under-dining room carpet begins to inflate - thanks to the gas bottle mit tap sited beside officer next to me's right knee. Shortly thereafter, top table disappears from view - quickly followed by much banging of gavel and slow deflation of balloon.

Officer next to me will recognise himself, and so would others if I were to reveal which of the Prune moderators was he!!

[akula]

BLW in answer to your query, the strange etiquette of formal dinners is a left over from the days of the Raj. In particular the rules regarding leaving the table prior to the end of proceedings come from the Sgt's Mess, the idea being that the men were not to leave and catch the Officer's entertaining they're wives(the Sgt's wives that is).:E :E :E

[5 Forward 6 Back]

As an aside, with a traditional pre-Xmas ops wing lunch drinkfest coming up, anyone have any classic old japes we can play on the other, less worthy squadrons across the other side?

[16 blades]

I find that a good soaking with water is the classic, simple and effective prank to go with - but it's how you do it that counts.
Went to a dining in night once where the entire top table had their crotches drenched by the jets of water eminating from the pre-positioned thin plastic tubes under the table tops (fire extinguisher providing the feed from the other end of the room)

[teeteringhead]

Few years ago in Norn Iron, Barlinnie's only AFC bodge taped an MS5 underneath one of the tables. At suitable moment in boring speech from Staish (aka the Mayor of Barnsley), said MS5 was inflated.........

[adrian mole]

This one was done at Odiham a few years ago. Speak to your friendly local Dentist and obtain from him/her some of that gel which they rub on your gums to numb them before sticking in the hypodermic. Rub said gel around the rims of the Top Table wine glasses and once dinner has started watch them start to slaver down their waistcoats!....

[Wholigan]

smartman --- ouch --- I recognise that scenario!!

The best jape I ever saw at a DIN was performed by a chap who was full of fun and mischief at all times, who spent an enormous amount of time setting this one up. The Staish said "Mr Vice - the Queen", followed by Mr Vice saying "Ladies and gentlemen - the Queen", followed by mumbles of "The Queen (God bless 'er)".

Immediately thereafter there was a series of loud "booms" and the whole room went white and IFR. Said chap had drilled loads of tiny holes in table tops, emptied out all the flower vases, placed a small detonator and charge in the bottom of each vase, placed a couple of pounds of self-raising flour on top and re-arranged the flowers. The holes in the table tops were to take the tiny wires which led from the detonators to the battery placed under the table next to his seat.

Cost him a bit!!!!!

Also, a certain Ppruner in the Middle East decided it would be fun to put a few day/night flares with the day ends lit into the inlet of the air conditioning system. I think it was either a Summer Ball or a ladies Guest Night. Either way, each and every white mess jacket and smart ladies dress ended up orange. Hmmmm - now that DID cost a bit!!!!!!

[BEagle]

We had a resident pyromaniac at Chivenor :{ the last time it re-opened. A favourite of his was nitrogen tri-iodide (?) - a sort of contact explosive. To be sure of avoiding serious poo, he used a small knee-pad plastic sandwich under the block (which is always given a good thump by the PMC's gavel at startex), the two pieces were just kept apart by blue-tack, the gap being liberally painted with his infamous goo. Into din-dins, all goes quiet, PMC raises gavel and all aircrew tense up. Thwack BOOM, followed by "Jesus f*cking Christ! Padre, grace please!".

And it got better and better - met ballons full of the french chalk used on goon suit neck seals burst regularly somewhere up in the rafters to add some snowy charm to the proceedings, crow scarers from the local agric stores went off all night to add spice to the speeches - and a particularly skillfully aimed thunderflash ended up at bottm dead centre underneath a rather ugly WRAF's blue tube. Another muffled BOOM and she hopped about with sparks around her knickers.....

One of the best Coningsby Dining-In japes ever involved Wratten and a piglet. Allegedly......

[bigley]

Beags,

Are any female Wg Cdrs babes?

:p

I was at the famous dining out night at Aldergergrove where everybody (except the top table) relieved themselves whenever they felt the need. The SMO was fined for dancing on the table in front of the PMC, the PedO decided she would be better employed as a waiter and Mr Vice was unkindly ejected from the room by OC bogs and drains after he was sick on the table. I was one of the six 'interviewed' on the following Monday in my Number Ones. Apparently the only crime we had commited was that we had larked about before the loyal toast. Therefore, it is my understanding that one is free to behave as one wants after the Queen has been 'honoured'.