View Full Version : Letters to Santa

7th Dec 2001, 03:44
Barbie's letter to Santa
Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Ken's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbir DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.


7th Dec 2001, 13:30
If you're stuck for ideas on what to get the kids for xmas - howz about:-

Council House Barbie (http://community.webshots.com/photo/26632393/26632402BJxrYOFWpQ)

Kermit 180
7th Dec 2001, 15:01
Crikey I thought Ken was twisted enough without having bendable knees as well.... :eek: Incidentally what ever happened to the great, tough and testosterone charged eagle-eyed kick-ass Action Man of years gone? He seems to have shrunk, lost his battle scars and wears weird, futuristic clothes designed by some fashion outlet in NY.


[ 07 December 2001: Message edited by: Kermit 180 ]

Ed Winchester
7th Dec 2001, 17:07
Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?




Firstly, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams!


Dear Santa,

I wid like a kool toy space rainjur for Xmas. Iv bin a gud boy all yeer.



Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're well on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How about I send you a ****ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell.



Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!



Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?



Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!



Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.



Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.



Dear Teddy,

What, and ruin that hot affair your dad is still having with the baby sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.



Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.



Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.



Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend,


Dear Thomas,

All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the poker table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!



Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?



Dear Jessica,

You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...



Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE.




That whiney begging **** might work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.



Merry Xmas everyone.

7th Dec 2001, 18:25

Any of you heard of an Aussie comedian called Kevin "Bloody" Wilson?

I have a tape of his that features a track called Santa Claus. If you like your humour Aussie style, give it a listen, it's well worth it.

He also does one about a young lad who wants to be a builder when he grows up. Guaranteed to make you split your sides.

7th Dec 2001, 19:06
When Ken first mentioned that he needed bendable knees I assumed it was for a purpose other than kicking the cr#p out of Barbie. I can't decide wheher Winchester is twisted and Velvet is perverted or vice versa. Either way, I'm laughing like hell.

7th Dec 2001, 23:01
and your point mr Richard

ssssshhhhh Trickster, what happened that night was sort of not perverted ;)

[ 07 December 2001: Message edited by: Velvet ]

7th Dec 2001, 23:17
Hey V I'm sure I had a point around here someplace. Seemed to have misplaced it. Sorry, enjoy your postings very much.

7th Dec 2001, 23:18
Evan......Kevin bluddy Wilson!!!
you got HoHoHo?