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keeders
6th Dec 2001, 01:06
Well I've seen a few bad one's residing here lately, so how about a thread to record some of the really stoamch churningly bad jokes. Here's one for starters....

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall ????


Dam !!!

Geddit ?????

Follow that - the gauntlet is down !!

Keeders. :eek: :eek: :eek: :D

The Nr Fairy
6th Dec 2001, 06:28
Why do penguins walk softly ?


Because they can't walk, hardly.

CoodaShooda
6th Dec 2001, 06:31
Nr Fairy
You're not a secret penguin sympathiser are you?????? :D

Mirkin About
6th Dec 2001, 07:48
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley,

one was a salted


Could it be the Nr Fairy Penguin?

Stone him
:D

[ 06 December 2001: Message edited by: Mirkin About ]

Dave Incognito
6th Dec 2001, 08:36
You asked for it.......

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

"Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It’s not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."

Guy goes into the doctor’s.
“Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
“How’s that?”
“Don’t you start”


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your
oyster, go for it.’


Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the
other “Does this taste funny to you?”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
So that was nice.”


My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

:) :) :)

Arm out the window
6th Dec 2001, 09:14
"My Grandad was badly burnt the other day."

"Oh yeah, how badly?"

"Well, they don't f*ck around at the crematorium."

innuendo
6th Dec 2001, 10:41
The cannibal who passed his friend in the bushes. :rolleyes:

Travelling Toolbox
6th Dec 2001, 10:58
Innuendo I thought that was another name for an Italian suppository :D :D :D

Axerock
6th Dec 2001, 11:18
"I'm taking my dog to the vet to get him put down."
"Is he mad?"
"Well - he is not bloody pleased about it!"

Brit Abroad
6th Dec 2001, 13:49
Saw John Mcenroe at the tennis club yesterday.

I said "Do you fancy doubling up ?"
He said "Sure"

So I kicked him in the bollox....

djk
6th Dec 2001, 13:53
a woman walked into a pub, goes upto the barman and asked for a double entendre.. so the barman gave her one

tony draper
6th Dec 2001, 14:10
Old Yorkshire couple take a holiday abroad in spain for the first time in their lives.
Mother is in the hotel room taking frying pan, cooking pots,wellinton boots ect, from the suitcase, she shouts at father.
"Oh nay!! Enoch lad, I've forgotten to pack the Bisto"
"Oh nay lass, whats to do?"
"There's a english couple in the next room Enoch, go and ask them"
Enoch goes next door and knocks on the door.
large tattooed Geordie answers door,
"Has't any Bisto?"
"F*ck off! ya Dago bastard" ;) ;)

[ 06 December 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

gravity victim
6th Dec 2001, 19:14
Pat, from darkest Kerry improbably gets to compete on 'Mastermind'.
Specialist subject:
"Ireland: The Easter Rising and the War of Independence, 1916-29. Start the clock."

MM: "Name one of the leaders of the Easter Rising in Dublin."
Pat: "Pass."
MM: "Name the IRA leader who negotiated Partition."
Pat: "Pass."
MM: Who was the first President of the Irish Free State?"
Pat: "Er - pass."

At which point a voice rom the back shouted
"Good man, Pat. Tell the bastards **** all!"

[ 06 December 2001: Message edited by: gravity victim ]

Dupre
7th Dec 2001, 00:03
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

This next one goes out to all the canadians out there!

How did Canada get it's name?

The canadians got together, and pulled letters out of a hat. It went like this:
"C, eh?"
"N, eh?"
"D, eh?"

And so it was written.

Edited for Moose's good point - and yes, i'm a new immigrant, soon to be emigrant.

and maybe just one more for the road!

what do you call a train carrying a load of sweets? A chew chew train! (it is a BAD jokes thread!!)

[ 09 December 2001: Message edited by: Dupre ]

Oliver Reed
7th Dec 2001, 00:45
Boss phones bloke at home;

Boss - 'Why aren't you at work today?'

Bloke - 'I'm sick'

Boss - 'How sick?'

Bloke - 'Well, I'm in bed with my sister'

keeders
7th Dec 2001, 01:31
Two elephantrs fall off a cliff......

Boom, Boom !!!!!

:D :D :D :eek: :D :D :D

Surditas
7th Dec 2001, 02:51
A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks "Why the long face?"
:rolleyes:

Surditas
7th Dec 2001, 02:54
Just thought of another...

The English cricket team

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

The Nr Fairy
7th Dec 2001, 06:06
Bloke goes into a bar with a giraffe. He orders a drink for him and a drink for the giraffe.

They finish their drinks, and as the giraffe swallows the last of the pint, drops dead on the floor, ending up lying full length on the floor of the bar.

The guy starts to walk out and the barman shouts after him "You can't leave that lyin' there !".

The bloke replies "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

[Edited to add the crucial 't which makes the joke ACTUALLY work]

[ 07 December 2001: Message edited by: The Nr Fairy ]

Elliot Moose
7th Dec 2001, 06:12
Dupre,
You must be a new immigrant or something, eh? We don't say "aye" in Canada (unless you join the Navy),eh? I don't think they even say it in Scotland anymore, eh?
For those who missed the translation, it goes like this,eh?
They pull the letters out of a hat, eh, and the guy says.....
To give the benefit of the doubt, I have seen it spelled "ay", eh? :D

Arm out the window
7th Dec 2001, 10:34
A bloke is on a TV quiz show. He's very stupid, but popular with the audience, so the producers want to 'help' him win.

It comes time for the $64, 000 question, which is "What famous general met Wellington at the battle of Waterloo?".
The clock is ticking down, but the contestant just sweats and looks around with a blank expression on his face, so they hurriedly call a commercial break.

The host leads the contestant to the dressing room, and says "Look, mate, I can't possibly give you any clues, but why don't you go and look in the fridge?".
He does this, and inside is a bottle of Napoleon brandy. At this, his eyes light up and he's ready to go back to the show.

The lights and cameras go on again, and the host repeats the question. There is a drum roll, and with a triumphant expression on his face, the contestant answers "General Electric!"

Boom boom!

Axerock
7th Dec 2001, 14:25
My favourite jokes I inherited from my father.

A man walks into a bar - says "ouch" because it was an iron bar.

A termite walks into a bar and says "Oi - wheres the bartender"

sprocket
7th Dec 2001, 14:51
Things can get pretty basic 'round here;

They call it Oz
In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough (but nice) :D

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 180 kms up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of sh!t, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you dirty bastard."

I Am Ugly
7th Dec 2001, 16:45
*Newsflash*

There are reports comming through that all the toilets have been stolen from the cubicles in the local police station. Police say they have nothing to go on....

:rolleyes: :D

1.3VStall
7th Dec 2001, 17:20
A Panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, consumes it, pulls out a gun, kills the barman and walks out into the street.

A customer chases after him and says "you can't do that". The Panda replies "of course I can, that's what Pandas do - look it up in the dictionary".

So the guy goes and looks up Panda in the dictionary and the entry reads - Panda: Black and white furry mammal, eats shoots and leaves.

Boom Boom!

DESCEND WHEN READY
8th Dec 2001, 15:37
The political parties want to encourage the youth of the country to get in and have a say. The Liberal Party comes up with the name 'The young Lib's' as the promo for advertising. The Labour party, not to be out done come up with the name 'The young Lab's.


...What do you think the Country Party called there's???


Sorry

burns wannabe
8th Dec 2001, 23:46
Why did the little girl fall off the swing.....she had no arms!

sprocket
9th Dec 2001, 01:44
DESCEND WHEN READY: I can recall the punch line of a similar joke where somebody calls out during a political meeting ...

"I'm a country member"

To which everybody else present at the meeting reply in unison;

"Yes, we remember'



:D

innuendo
9th Dec 2001, 02:10
The ghost who walked into a bar and asked "Do you serve spirits?"

pigboat
9th Dec 2001, 08:06
Bought a Christmas tree today, but the bloody thing blew up. Musta been a tannenbomb.

Throtlemonkey
9th Dec 2001, 11:53
Whats 2 feet high 6 feet long and has trouble getting through doorways ?


A baby with a javlin through its head!

DESCEND WHEN READY
9th Dec 2001, 15:17
THROTTLEMONKEY

I remember a similar one to use involving a microwave.... I dont think I will go down that road however.

'did you hear about the horny sheppard?

...kept mountain goats

sorry

Transition Layer
9th Dec 2001, 17:56
Q - What do elephants use as Tampons?

A - Sheep

Moral of the story - don't wear red wooly sweaters!

:) :D

TL

CatTower
9th Dec 2001, 18:20
What's yellow and can't swim,

a tractor

what's the differnce between a truck load of watermelons and a truck load of babys,

you can't unload a truck load of watermelons with a pitch fork
:D

Greek God
9th Dec 2001, 22:19
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she
did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.

Cuddles
9th Dec 2001, 22:49
Two parrots siting on a perch
One said to the other one
"Can you smell fish?"

What do you call a blind deer?
No idea

What do you call a blind deer with no legs
Still no idea

Av8trix
9th Dec 2001, 23:30
Hmm, how crude can we get here? ;)

What does 90 year old P***Y tase like?
...Depends.. (got to get the product reference on that one ;))

What's the worst part about eating your vegetables?
..putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
:D

dingducky
9th Dec 2001, 23:33
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no genitals?
Still no farking idea

Nike announced they will make a new line of maternity clothing. They plan to promote their line of clothing for pregnant women
with the slogan -- 'Just Did It'.

skintmuppet
10th Dec 2001, 00:23
What's 4'6" and lives off dead beatles?

Yoko Ono

wheels up
10th Dec 2001, 01:31
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

Barman says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal mine?

A flat miner. (A-flat minor)

[ 09 December 2001: Message edited by: woof etc ]

denachtenmai
10th Dec 2001, 11:46
What's grey and comes in pints?
Elephants

pax anglia
11th Dec 2001, 01:05
It is a well known fact in education that to command the attention of a class you need to stand at the front of the room.However,to keep control of a class you need to stand at the back of the room.
This is a problem that hasn't been solved by a long chalk.

gumbi
11th Dec 2001, 07:56
A bit on the long side but funnier with ze french accent....!!!!

This is the story of JEAN-PIERRE, the French fighter pilot.

One night he's at his girlfriend Natalie's place.

As they're both sitting on the couch, he starts to kiss her on the lips. All of a sudden, he takes his glass of red wine and splashes her lips with it. "Jean-Pierre, what are you doing?" she asks. "I'm Jean-Pierre, the french fighter pilot, and when I eat red meat I drink red wine", he says.
"Wwwhhoooooo Jean-Pierre, don't stop!" she replies.
A few minutes later, while he's nibbling on her breasts, he takes the glass of white wine and splashes her breasts with it. "Jean-Pierre, what are you doing?" "I'm Jean-Pierre, the french fighter pilot and when I eat white meat, I drink white wine." "Whhhoooooaaaaaa Jean-Pierre, don't stop don't stop" she says.

So Jean-Pierre, encouraged by Natalie, ventures further south and continues nibbling. All of a sudden, he takes the glass of cognac, splashes Natalie's crotch, takes a match, strikes it and lites up the cognac. "My God Jean-Pierre, what's with you?" asks Natalie. "I'm Jean-Pierre, the french fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames......" "ooouuuuuuu Jean-Pierre...!"

:D :D :D

Windy Militant
11th Dec 2001, 13:29
Why do elephants have trunks?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because sheep don't come fitted with strings!
(see previous post by Transition Layer)

What's red and found between elephants toes?

Crushed Asians!

gul dukat
12th Dec 2001, 03:50
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says........"is this stool taken?" :D

BUMFISH
12th Dec 2001, 06:30
Why did Popeye beat the **** out of Jesus?

Because he went to Mount Olive....

:rolleyes:

15/15 flex
12th Dec 2001, 07:49
An 80 year old termite walks into a pub and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

....or....

What do you call a fish with no eyes?.....

A fsh

......or......

A koala walks into a brothel and asks the mistress of the house for one of her finest steaks, which he downs with a nice Shiraz. Feeling sated, he decides to avail himself of the services of one of the ladies of the night. Once finished, he says goodnight and starts heading towards the door, where the madame stops him and demands payment. "Payment?" he says "I don't think you understand, my dear". With that he pulls out a dictionary, looks up "koala" and shows the definition to the young lady:

Koala: small marsupial; eats shoots and leaves.


:D :D :D :D :D

deepee
12th Dec 2001, 12:05
The Kiwi bird eats roots shoots and leaves. :cool:

sirwa69
12th Dec 2001, 13:08
What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline! :D

What's the difference between God and a BA Captain?

God doesn't think He is a pilot! :D :D

A lady calls 911 and tells the operator: "There's a naked pilot in my front yard". The operator responds: "But, how do you know it is a pilot?....."Because he is wearing a big black watch and is stealing my newspapers." :D

There are different types of orgasms:
The Positive one: Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
The Negative one: Oh, no! Oh, no!
The Religious one: Oh, God! Oh, God! and
The Fake one: Oh, Captain! Oh, Captain!


Pilot Jokes (http://www.filiair.com/2001/jokes/sterilecockpit3.htm)

LowNSlow
12th Dec 2001, 14:04
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator.

The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly,
“It looks like cum”.

The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, “Yes, and it smells like cum”.

The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle,touches it to her tongue and exclaims, “Well, it’s nobody from our building.”

DESCEND WHEN READY
12th Dec 2001, 15:05
What do you call a guy floating in the ocean...Bob

What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head....Doug

What do you call a guy without a shovel in his head....Douglas

What do you call a noisy person....Mike

Biggles Flies Undone
12th Dec 2001, 17:13
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession....to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts....but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins for my fee". Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...

Paterbrat
13th Dec 2001, 16:34
Lord and Lady Smetherwick are visiting Alice Springs and have booked in at the local Hotel. Go out for a touristic looksee and after a short while spot a drover wrestling violently with a kangaroo on the side of the road. As they get closer, to his horror and disgust my Lordship sees that in fact the chap is actualy rogering said animal. Ordering his wife to avert her gaze they drive on but before long spot another grappling pair. The shocked couple return immediately to the hotel. As the Lord is escorting his wife along the veranda they pass a drunken cripple furiously masterbating by the door. His Lordship indignantly marches up to the front desk and very thinlipped demands to be checked out immediately as they are leaving. Manager enquires why.
" Well we see these chaps er, you know , having a go at kangaroos then come back here and dammit all this filthy individual is playing with himself on your porch."
The landlord indignantly replied
"Oh cummon your Lordship, have a bleeding heart mate, howd you expect a one legged man to catch a bloody kangaroo"

Midland Maniac
14th Dec 2001, 14:27
A woman came up to me in a pub and said...

"I want you to give me 10 inches and hurt me!!!!!"

So i took her to the car park, shagged her twice and then slammed her TIT in the car door!!!

Capt L
14th Dec 2001, 17:23
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel poking out of his fly.

Barman: What the hell is that thing doing in there??

Man: Dunno, but it's driving me nuts. :rolleyes:

Squawk7777
15th Dec 2001, 08:37
Why are all Italian Immigrants named TONY?

When they left to the States a little tag was attached to their shirt

To N.Y. :D

Squawk7777
15th Dec 2001, 08:43
Why don't women need umbrellas?

Have you ever seen it raining in the kitchen?

LowNSlow
15th Dec 2001, 15:14
What do the initials FIAT stand for?

Fix It Again Tony

sprocket
15th Dec 2001, 16:09
Q. Why is the sand wet?

A. Cos' the seaweed

bodger
15th Dec 2001, 19:00
Two goldfish in a tank,one says to the other
"How do you drive this then?"

[ 15 December 2001: Message edited by: bodger ]

JPJ
15th Dec 2001, 19:24
Went out for a meal last night.

Tried Chicken Tarka.

It's like Chicken Tikka, only 'otter.

bodger
15th Dec 2001, 19:31
In a similar vein--

I went for a curry with my mate last night.He collapsed with his face in his meal.When the ambulance man arrived he said it could be serious 'cos he was in a korma !

CatTower
15th Dec 2001, 22:23
Well ****** me but that's my repatuare done and you guys have really astounded me with S#@T jokes but I have enough to last me a while, do keep em coming none the less, and a Merry Xmas and a happy Nude year to you all

pax anglia
15th Dec 2001, 22:29
When I was a kid I was convinced there was an aircraft at the top of our stairs,as my father was always complaining about the landing light being on.

Mister Gash
16th Dec 2001, 02:34
Late soccer result

REAL MADRID...1 SURREAL MADRID...FISH

Shouldacoulda
16th Dec 2001, 06:45
Two Sausages in a pan, one says "It's hot in here" the other one says "F*ck me!!! a talking sausage"

pigboat
16th Dec 2001, 07:47
Had an ex USN sim instructor once who laid this pearl of wisdom on me.
There ain't nothing like a good landing, a good orgasm and a good crap. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities where you may experience all three at the same time. :eek:

Squawk 8888
16th Dec 2001, 07:52
Had dinner at the new restaurant on the moon. Great food, but no atmosphere.

imagedude
16th Dec 2001, 08:28
What`s got three legs and lives on a farm?

Paul McCartney and his wife


What`s got 18 hands six legs and a <unt on its back

A police horse


whats brown and sounds like a bell

Dung

A man caught attacking a blues singer has been charged with causing bo-diddley harm.


What`s red sits in a tree and hoots?

A sanitary owl

[ 16 December 2001: Message edited by: imagedude ]

airgeezer
16th Dec 2001, 08:32
Bungee jumping:-
White people $5 per jump
black people $free (no strings attached)

Binoculars
16th Dec 2001, 08:44
Police report a collision between a prison van and a cement truck. Citizens are asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.

Pontius Pilot
16th Dec 2001, 15:02
Old Fighter Pilot

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Fighter Pilot!"
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is a retired Fighter Pilot. The Fighter Pilot suddenly unzips his pants, whips out a huge organ, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the retired Fighter Pilot is carried off on the shoulders of the envious crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees the same faded banner. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. The Fighter Pilot stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts in the same manner, as before. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Fighter Pilot, "but I have to know something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the Fighter Pilot, "My eyes aren't what they used to be!"

:D

Pontius Pilot
16th Dec 2001, 15:20
Perished nuns

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, “Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The nun giggles and slyly replies, “Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, “Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The nun is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!”
The nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

Hope This one doesn't upset too many catholics!! :D :D

bodger
16th Dec 2001, 15:34
Two nuns are driving through the forest at night.Suddenly the devil jumps ontot the bonnet of their car,
"Show him your cross!!"
Says one nun to the other.
So she sticks her head out of the window and shouts ..
"oi you! F** off!"

Capt L
16th Dec 2001, 17:10
Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have enough time. :p


Why do women always have the last word in an argument?

Because anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument!! ;)

bodger
16th Dec 2001, 17:38
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...I don't like to interrupt!

crackerjack
16th Dec 2001, 18:09
Did you hear about the bloke with two left feet?

Went into a shoe shop and came out with a pair of flip flips.

Now THAT'S a bad joke.

PsychoDad
16th Dec 2001, 20:19
Hells Angel driving through the countryside. City biker enjoyes the country scene, but is amazed to see a farmer clearly visible out in the fields, apparently shagging a cow. He carries on regardles, only to find the same scene after turning the next corner. He carries on when suddenly he sees a lone cow on an empty field. Thinks to himself "When in Rome" and dismounts his hog. After having negotiated the electric fence, he drops his leatherpants and starts shagging the cow wildly. Suddenly he hears laughter behind him, turns around and see a bunch of the locals pointing fingers at him laughing. Says "What are you loosers lauging at, you do it yourselves !". "Yeah" says one of the farmers "but that one's ugly"

I. M. Esperto
16th Dec 2001, 20:29
A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.

Whiskey Zulu
17th Dec 2001, 02:57
Q) What's red and taps on the window?
A) A baby in a microwave.

Q) What's red and sits in the corner?
A) A baby with a razor blade.

Q) What's green and sits in the corner?
A) The same baby six weeks later.

Q) What's the one thing worse than a pile of one hundred dead babies?
A) The one live one in the inside trying to eat his way out.
Sick ain't they. :(

Whiskey Zulu
17th Dec 2001, 03:01
What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic!

Doctor Cruces
17th Dec 2001, 05:14
Rwo cargo ships collided in the English Channel. One was carrying blue paint and the other was carrying red paint.

According to the news report, all the survivors were marooned!


Mickey mouse was summoned to his lawyers office one day. The lawyer said to Mickey,

"Mr Mouse, I'm afraid you can not divorce Mrs Mouse because she has buck teeth"

"Waddya talkin about?" asks Mickey. "I said I wanted a divorce because she was f***ing Goofy!!"

Captain Muff Diver
17th Dec 2001, 13:27
Q:What did a natural baby call a test tube baby?

A:Your old man is a [email protected]!!

Jasondoig
17th Dec 2001, 18:37
You're shut in a room with no windows and the door is locked. There's a hungry Lion a Lawyer and a poisonous snake with you. There is also a gun with two bullets.
What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer...twice.
:D

Squawk 8888
17th Dec 2001, 21:31
http://www.comicspage.com/daily/csmgg/20011217csmgg-a.gif

[ 17 December 2001: Message edited by: Squawk 8888 ]

RampTramp
17th Dec 2001, 21:47
I've just gotta get this one in -

Whats the difference between an egg, a baby & a good blowjob??

You can beat an egg, you can beat a baby but you can't beat a good blowjob!

dingducky
17th Dec 2001, 22:12
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

dingducky
17th Dec 2001, 22:32
quote from jay leno :)
"Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way
I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help."

sprocket
18th Dec 2001, 00:12
Well I Never:

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is
after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she
prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

NorthernSky
18th Dec 2001, 01:45
Haven't read the whole thing (too busy), so apologies if someone has done this one.........

Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails onto the bar, and says 'Can you put me up for the night?'.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, etc.

(That's the end of my career prospects with MAF!)

henry crun
18th Dec 2001, 02:25
A couple of tramps on the Embankment are trying to keep warm around a fire they have lit at the base of Cleopatra's Needle.

A drunk staggers by, looks at them and exclaims "Never get it off the ground !"

scran
18th Dec 2001, 05:35
Rudolph the Red

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining”, he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me”, she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain” he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
“Let’s not fight about it”, the man said, “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing”.
As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
“It’s raining, of course”, he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!”, to which the man quietly replied:

???






??????




“Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear”.

pigboat
18th Dec 2001, 05:54
Put the following message on all my Christmas cards this year: Mr. and Mrs. Pigboat wish to announce the birth of Jesus Christ. :D

A Comfy Chair
20th Dec 2001, 17:14
How about
"What did the leper say to the prostitute?"

"You can keep the tip"

That isn't such a bad joke, but it's follow up

"Why was the leper caught speeding?"
"Cos he couldn't take his foot of the accelerator" :)

Well... no more needs saying :)

gravity victim
20th Dec 2001, 19:34
Two lepers were playing cards. One threw his hand in and the other laughed his head off.

dingducky
21st Dec 2001, 04:20
what do you call a leper in a bath?

soup <img src="eek.gif" border="0">

Whiskey Zulu
21st Dec 2001, 15:43
"Why was the ice hockey game at the lepar colony called off?"
There was a face off in the corner.

Sing along (beatles yesterday)

Leprosy,
Oh my Kneecaps look so far away,
Now it looks as though they've gone astray,
Oh, I believe in Leprosy.

Leprosy,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
bits and peices droppin off of me,
cos I am rife with Leprosy.

Why they
Had to go I don't know, they wouldn't stay.
I said,
Something Arrgh, now my Knob has leprosy.

Leprosy,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide my knob away,
cos it fell off yesterday.

Why it
Had to go I don't know, it wouldn't stay .
I said,
Ow! my nuts oh they've got leprosy.

Leprosy,
Bits and peices dropping off of me,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in leprosy.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

what the difference between a peroxide blonde and a computer?
you only have to punch the information once into a computer.

what did the cannible do after he dumped his girlfriend?
he wiped his @rse!!!!!!

why are women like dog turds ?
the older they get the easier they are to pick up!!!

whats black & white, homeless in the middle of london ?
jill dando's cat

OldAg84
21st Dec 2001, 19:30
Dingducky,

I hate to correct anyone in public- it's bad form- but technically I believe that's stew.

sanjosebaz
21st Dec 2001, 23:19
Walking in London WC2 one day, I saw two "skinheads" walking on the other side of the street. Of course, I shouted "[email protected]!!" at them. Unfortunately, they ran across the road and both of them punched me in the mouth.


I learned my lesson:

A word in the Strand is worth two in the mush.

Arm out the window
22nd Dec 2001, 08:40
Little Johnny's parents were concerned that their son was swearing too much, so one day they decided to take firm action.

The next morning, Dad was sitting at the breakfast table nice and early when Johnny came down and pulled up a chair.
"Good morning, son" said Dad sweetly. "What would you like for breakfast?"
"I'd like some f*#cking Cornflakes, please, Dad" replied the boy.

At that, Dad leapt up from his chair, grabbed Johnny by the scruff of the neck, threw him into the corner and beat and kicked him within an inch of his life. "Let that be a lesson to you!" he puffed, before smoothing down his clothes and sitting back in his chair at the head of the table.

At the top of the stairs Johnny's little brother, Freddy, had been watching. Very tentatively he crept down the stairs, pulled up his chair and timidly stammered "G-good morning, Dad."
Dad smiled in a strained way and said "Good morning, son. What would you like for breakfast?"
With a scared look on his face, Freddy gulped and quickly said "Well, not f*#king Cornflakes, that's for sure!"

Throtlemonkey
22nd Dec 2001, 08:43
What do you call a pregnant hostie ?


Pilot Error


(gone into hiding)

Tartan Gannet
22nd Dec 2001, 14:29
Pigboat, I loved the Tannenbomb joke :) :) :)

Jokes which have always appealed to me.

"My dog has no nose!"
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible!"

One which will probably only work for UK TV watchers

"What do you call a dog with a spade up its ass?"
DAWN FRENCH!

A magistrate wakes up with a hell of a hangover following a very convivial Festive Board. His wife upbrades him for the state he came home in even saying, "Your black jacket had vomit all down the front!"

The JP replies, "When I came out of the Lodge last night this drunk was reeling down the road and as he passed me he threw up all over me. But dont worry, he'll up before me in Court today and I'll fine him £100!"

Dryly the wife retorts, "Well dear, I'd make that fine £200, he also s**t in your striped trousers!"

A businessman goes to an far eastern country and is treated to the services of a prostitute. Being well up for it he gives her a first class rogering and at the climax she yells "Pashada! Pashada! Pashada!" This impresses our hero who goes out well satisfied that he has brought this professional lady to orgasm.

Next day he is playing golf with the MD of the client company. He tees off, and gets a hole in one. Turning to his host with a smile he is confronted by a group of Asians giggling and saying "Pashada!" loudly and repeatedly. Thinking they must be impressed by his golfing prowess he asks his host, "What does Pashada mean then?" to which he replies "WRONG HOLE!"

A black man is found dead with 70 stab wounds in the Deep South of the USA, the local Chief of Police remarks that it is the worst case of suicide he has seen in his career.

Masochist "Hit me! please, please, HIT ME!"
Sadist "NO!"


:) :) :) :) :)

[ 22 December 2001: Message edited by: Tartan Gannet ]</p>

Binoculars
22nd Dec 2001, 18:49
Phew! Hearing TG tell jokes, with 8 :) into the bargain, is a bit like hearing the Queen fart. I'm shocked.

C'mon TG, you keep saying you refuse to respond to "the bait", but mate, your life's mission is to proffer your opinions and be damned!

Come on, get back into it, start shooting down all those PC leftie pinko liberals so we can all resume the normal order. It is your destiny, oh Masonic brother, let no man dissuade you!

(Hey, a Christmas break is OK)

Merry Xmas!

keeders
22nd Dec 2001, 20:07
Can't believe this thread is still going !!

Here's another....

What do you call a man with no arms & legs floating in a swimming pool??????????/


Bob !!!

:) <img src="tongue.gif" border="0"> <img src="eek.gif" border="0">

Whiskey Zulu
22nd Dec 2001, 22:53
That last one ought to just about finish this thread off! Last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur laughing! <img src="wink.gif" border="0">

CAVU
24th Dec 2001, 10:46
Why don't women have beards?

Because its in their "jeans"

djk
24th Dec 2001, 17:42
Here's a few more

has anyone read Helen Keller's autobiography?
it's called "Around the block in 80 days"

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no chairs?
A. A fruit stand