More "I wish I hadn't said that.."

[Matelot B'stard]

Highlighting the different marks of respect afforded officers of the 3 services..

In the Navy we didin't salute officers on bikes..(ship rolled and they usually fell off!!)

However at RAF Shawbury, 3 Chief Petty Officers are faced with a crab officer on a bike, and duly blank him. The crab turns around and cycles over and says "Compliments gentlemen please"

Matelot answer.. "Nice f***in' bike sir"

Or at AAC Wattisham, where the Army bods wear berets and caps on an active airfield, and we don't..

Pongo: "where's your beret chief"?
Matelot: "In my pocket"
Pongo: "Why isn't it on your 'ead"?
Matelot: "Cos my head doesn't fit in my f***in' pocket"

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

SWO - ' Airman, are your hands cold! '

Airman - ' No Sir, they're in my pockets '

[jEtGuiDeR]

Squad of elite Navy trainees marching at HMS Dryad and the class leader didn't notice a passing Wg Cdr, who shouted to the class leader to halt the squad and report to him. The Wg Cdr said "Do you not salute Wg Cdr's in the Navy?" to which the naive class leader replied "We don't have any Wg Cdr's in the Navy sir"
:rolleyes: :ok:

[soddim]

A US Navy F4 pilot taxied right past last chance and the tower called that he had missed the turn.

"We don't do that s**t in the Navy" was the retort.

A few minutes later as he lined up for take-off the mobile controller spotted a gear lock pin and informed the pilot. The tower gave taxy instructions for return to parking. At this point the Navy pilot requested last chance for the removal of the pin and the tower replied

"Sorry, we don't do that s**t for Navy pukes".

True story.

[Divergent Phugoid!]

Dont know if this one has been mentioned before but here goes.

Young Airman based at Laarbruch in the early 80's says, after a slight disagreement with the Police sqn's Flt lt G F, whilst on exercise...



Airman.... "Sir, what would you do If I called you a C#$T?"

G F.... "I would have you arrested for insubordination!"

Airman.... "What would you do if I thought you were A C#$T?"

G F.... "Nothing, we are all entitled to our own opinions!"

Airman.... "Well in that case sir, I think you are a C#$T!!"

G F.... "Duty Sgt, Arrest that man!!"



:D :D

[A2QFI]

Very Senior Officer, about to deliver boring drone on "The Way Forward" or some such drivel.

"Can you all hear me all right?

Anonymous Voice

" Yes but I don't mind swapping with some one who can't"

[Autorev]

UAS stude on visit to RAFG is in the bar swigging from a bottle of Becks

OC Ops " Young man! Don't you know that RAF Officers don't drink from bottles?"

UAS Stude "No, but it don't matter as I'm not an RAF Officer..."

Stude was to meet up with same OC Ops later as DDIOT - I believe he is now serving in the Navy...

[Jobza Guddun]

Apologies if this has been aired before:-

Lossie SWO stops scruffy long-haired airman at the main gate with his pace stick across the lad's chest:

"There's $hit on the end of my pace stick..."

Quick as a flash our boy retorts:

"Not at this bloody end Sir!"

Apparently Joe SWO was so amused he let the lad off!

[flyboy007]

Student on FJ course a few years ago (Before my time)

Stude:"Xyz control, Falcon 42"
..........No reply
Stude:"Xyz control, Falcon 42"
.........still no reply, so squaks comm failure.
Shortly after..
Xyz Control:"Falcon 42, Xyz control radio check"
Stude:"Xyz Control, Falcon 42, have you 5/5"
Xyz Control:"Falcon 42 confrim radio failure?"
Stude:" Control, Falcon 42, Affirm, I have a complete and total radio failure"

That would be finger trouble then!?!?!

[Muppet Leader]

A few years ago sitting in the crew room on standby, preparing our next job for the following week, in civvies, feet on the tables, smoking and drinking coffee.
Back to the scene.
Crew room, hazy with smoke, coffee cups all over the tables.
Signals strewn over the floor, trying to make some sense of the job.
Old grey Flt Sgt in charge of the briefing – been everywhere – seen it done it.
You know the type.

Our new team leader has just arrived on station, young blade in his second hand X19, straight from IOT, pimply, big ears, big hat that don’t fit, scrawny little neck.
You know the type.

Goes into ops, and is told by the Boss that “your new team is downstairs in the crew room, go and introduce yourself”.

Said pimply young blade walks into the crew room, comes up to our corner, and introduces himself with a cheery “ Hello chaps. I’m Rich Green”.

Said Old grey Flt Sgt, as noted earlier, continues to read the signal in his hand,
Takes a drag on his cigarette, and without looking up from his paperwork exhales with “That’s the colour of my babies’ nappy”.

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Perhaps someone from "wiltshire" can recount the story of "B@@@s the mad nav":p and his tangle with the Akroneli stiash. I know most of the "Sheik your-wad" story but not enough of the facts to do it justice..................as you may already have spotted :confused:

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Roghead]

Ok so it's line book stuff but here goes.
RAF Laarbruch early 70's (wall to wall Canberras) AOC's inspection and carefully selected Squadron aircrew(16Sqn) paraded casually(best blues) in crew coffee bar(yes we did have them) and surprise surprise the great man is running late.Eventually arrives and goes straight to the newest first tour pilot and asks " How long have you been here son?" Fg Off Sonny Holmes replies for us all-"just over 25 mins sir."
Bless him-Sadly, Sonny was in a fatal aircraft accident a few months later - my best regards to family and friends.

[sycamore]

ABIW
What do you know about "Sheik Ya-Wad", the well-known AK. VIP?

[Pontius Navigator]

"Oh God I'm pissed off"

Tower Unknown Callsign say again callsign

"Not that pissed off"

[Felix Lighter]

A young ADMINO with a reputation for putting it out for the lads was being used as a "survivor" for winching training.

She was lowered to the forest floor, where the others participants (and some Sqn pilots) were waiting. By chance she landed, on her ar$e, right next to a rabbit warren.

She exclaimed for all to here: "Oh look, there is a big hole right next to my bottom!"

[Speed Twelve]

Pontius,

Wasn't it :

Unknown c/s: "I'm f**king bored"

Air Tragic: "c/s identify yourself!"

c/s: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid..."

ST

[Pontius Navigator]

Speed, it was certainly in Scotland and many years ago. Could be a repeat <g>.

[Max R8]

Young Max R8 on Stn Cdr's carpet after landing pointy jet just short of main runway.

Bill Wratten (for it was he) "How on earth did you land in the undershoot of a 9,000 ft runway?"

Max R8 "I think I would have used the same technique if it was a shorter runway, Sir."

About turn, quick march, run away bravely!

(or at least thats what I wished I'd said!)

[albert the first]

Ref the famous story about B@@@s

Ascot XXXX tells akt that they have a vip on board called sheik ya wad. On landing they are told to taxi to X bay where they are met by the stn cdr and other stn big nobs. B@@@s gets off the frame in full arab kit to be greeted by Harry stiash "welcome to raf akt etc etc." B@@@s replys "on your knees inferdel" stiash not too sure what to do starts to go down but spots B@@@s flying boots. By all accounts stiash and akt execs did not see the funny side.

Sorry if this stroy is a bit wrong but I'm only telling it as it was told to me.

[reynoldsno1]

Flight Cadet Nelson on parade practice, Hairy Mary's, got up late, dressed quickly, button on battledress undone...
CWO : Your button's undone. Who do you think you are, Napoleon?
Cadet: No, Nelson, Sir..........

[Big Unit Specialist]

Picture the scene:

First Gulf War a bunker on an airbase during a Scud alert, all bar one journo wearing respirators.

Q from journo "my mask is in the hotel, what do I do now?"

A from closest NCO "die mate!":=

[adrian mole]

During a visit by a Group Captain to the Squadron he is introduced to Adrian by the Squadron Commander:

Wg Cdr: "This is Adrian who has just returned from a Joint Service tour with the Army."

Gp Capt: "And Adrian, what have you been doing since then?"

Adrian: "Cartwheels Sir......."

[Ghostflyer]

Twas me running into Linton circa 1986 in a JP3. Can't remember the actual runway headings and the long winter nights really aren't long enough to look them up and ensure the accuracy of this tale!

Running in from Dishforth, the RLG, for a break to land, heading about 150 and lined up nicely with a runway.

Instructor: 'What runway are Linton using?'
Me: '27'
Instructor: 'What does the compass say?'
Me: '150'
Instructor: 'What does that mean to you?'
Me: 'The compass is broken?......'
Instructor: 'I have control!!!'

Fortunately MH (where are you now) laughed about it and I ended up on the front-line despite a few more scrapes along the way! (When I say he laughed about, it he actually took the p*ss out of me for years to come, c'est la vie)

Ghost:8

[EESDL]

B@@@@ only descended the steps after the loadie and nav (in similar gear plus dark shades) went before him, weapons et all, to see if it was secure....shouting bo77ocks at the coppers and OC Ops as they went!!

[Mal Drop]

I thought B@@@@ was a Nav, anyway, isn't he beyond earthly worries now?

[mr a]

Why, what's happened to B@@@@?
Yes he was a Nav.

[LJDRVR]

Back in 1986 at Lowery AFB in Denver Colorado, I was a young airman eating luch at the Burger King on base. Lowery was a training base with a fair amount of enlisted and officer attending various schools. This "open mess" fast food dining room was a microcasm (SP?) of the training demographic, with everyone from 18 year-old slick sleeve Airman Basics (me) to the two-star Major General enjoying his greasy lunch. As students were arriving everyday from basic training, it was not uncommon to observe several wide-eyed youngsters in line at Burger King, uncomfortable and unsure of what to do with themselves in such a relaxed atmosphere.

It was one of these lasses that walks in and sees the General Officer. (Mind you she's been told about these animals, but now she's staring at an honest to gosh two-star!)

Military bearing and training take over in a flash as she calls the Burger King to attention. (In a nice loud command voice; "Burger King, ten hut!")

The amused to the point of spitting up food MG very politely and fatherly gets up, tells everyone "at-ease" and asks the young lady to please join him when she had purchased her food. NIce guy.

I hadn't thought about that one in years.

[BEagle]

Another nice-guy American:

A senior SAC general officer was shopping in the Offutt BX. In those days only the really important folk had talking bricks...as did this chap. A little girl with her young mum were also shopping. Little girl, in one of those penetrating voices that can be heard 2 states away, spots the brick and pipes up "WHAT'S THAT FOR??". General looks bemused and says, "Err, why, that's so I can talk to the Tooth Fairy". Little girl goes all wide-eyed "Really, gosh, I've got a loose tooth!" "Uh-huh, let's see what we can do about that" replies the general, "Where do you live?". Little girl tells him, so General picks up his brick and snaps into the mike "Crystal Palace, this is Big Horn - gemme the Tooth Fairy" There is a moment's silence before a querying voice says "Err, say again, Sir?".."Yeah, this is Big Horn, GET..ME..THE..TOOTH..FAIRY!!". A moment's pause and a voice squeaks "Hi, this is the Tooth Fairy!"

"See - told you I could talk to the Tooth Fairy", smiles the General, "Tooth Fairy, this is Big Horn, you gotta mission at (LG's address) - is that a roger?"

"Tooth Fairy, roger" replies the brick, the General winks at the little girl's mum and they go happily on their way.....

[M609]

Allied ensignia are difficult to understand for the average dim US Army soldier......

Picture food hall at Camp McGovern Bosnia, Norwegian rifle squad enters for a hot meal. Up front our 21 year old second lieutenant. (Ensignia one star on the shoulder ;) )
We grab a tray and get in line. The guy at the back of the line turns to se who's behind him. Eyes widen, heels smack togheter, and he yells "Attention, general present" -you can guess the rest! :)

We where still laughing when we left an hour later! :E

[wub]

I was stationed at Troodos on top of Mount Olympus in Cyprus in a 'sensitive' installation which benefitted from the protection of a detachment of Brown Jobs. Very often we experienced weather which at 6,500' amsl we were 'in' rather than under, and it became necessary to alert staff to the possibility of lightning strikes.

There were five states, 1 being blue sky and 5, when we were in the midst of a serious storm. On this occasion I was advised by the met office at Akrotiri to call Lightning State 5, which meant all work had to cease, to avoid contact with any metal objects. I duly called everyone on the mountain, including the new Brown Job contingent of the Royal Anglian Regiment, who had only just arrived that week:

BJ: "Royal Anglian Regiment Detachment, Corporal XXXX speaking Sir"

Me: "This is Ops, Lightning State 5"

BJ: "Right Sir"

5 minutes after my call there was a pounding on the compound door and there stood a flushed young corporal with his squad of, er, squaddies, rifles looking for all the world like lightning rods, sticking up into one of the worst electrical storms I had seen, "Right sir, where's the trouble?" he asked innocently.

[Pontius Navigator]

Back to the Americans.

Admin Office in Izmir.

RAF Wife visiting 6ATAF asks for pass to BX.

"How did you get here?"

'Flew in yesterday.'

"No, how did you get here?"

' . . .? came from the Hilton round the corner.'

"No, how did you get HERE?"

' well I walked out of the hotel, along the pavement, around the corner, and here I am.'

you can guess the next question.

' well I walked in the door, across the hall, up the stairs, turned right at the top . . . '

Our friendly Yank had one more try, speaking slowly, clearly, and with a slightly raised voice.

'?'

Another yank tries a different question. "How did you get passed the guard?"

'Oh, I just walked in, asked where the office was and he directed me here.'

"Duh!"

[Prijon]

A Sgt Weapons Controller was recently talking to a Coalition C-130 sandy-side. WC was pleased to hear that the person speaking to him was a gorgeous sounding lass....

Crowbar: "c/s blah, radar contact. Sweet, sweet, picture NW is clean, clear continue"........

...to his mate... "she sounds gorgeous - I reckon 5' 4", blonde, great legs and a fine pair of ......". He suddenly remembers to take his foot off the PTT switch

C-130: "Don't stop now, Crowbar...."

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If you can't take the RAF, you shouldn't have joined a joke...

[Surditas]

And one time, at Sand Camp...


Very safety conscious, the Americans. Everyone here on base is required to wear a reflective "disco" belt at night in order to be seen by marauding Humvees. Should one "forget" to don a reflective belt then, when walking any distance in the accommodation area, one can count on at least one passing American to stop their vehicle, wind down the window and remind you that you aren't wearing your belt.

One night team Aussie was walking back from the "Chow Hall" to the tent when, sure enough, a helpful Yank pulled up in their "pickup".

Team Yank: "Hey, y'all should be wearing your reflective belts"
Team Aussie: "Yair, sorry mate. Left 'em in the tent"
Team Yank: "Well, make sure you are wearing them, otherwise we'll shoot your ass."
Team Aussie: "How will you shoot us if you can't see us?"

[BEagle]

Another tale concerning the 'cousins':

RAF exchange officer is posted to a USMC Harrier Sqn. Amongst their gung-ho ways is the disquieting idea of a morning run. One of those "Hoo-ah. One, Two, Three, Four - I love thu' Mreenkaw" things which will be familar to anyone who's ever seen "Full Metal Jacket"...

Septic Marine: "Sir - are you comin' on our run?"

Brit mate: "Run? Good God no, old chap. British officers don't run - it would panic the troops!"