Any Dolphin Trainers Out There?

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

In the interests of security, all good military international jetsetters should have a dual personality, a cover story to adopt whenever the natives get inquisitive. And this will take a certain amount of background work to pull it off.


I’m a Pubic Topiarist

I was in a dead end office job and at the time, going out with a beautician. One night we were just chatting about her job and I saw a gap in the market, as it were. I enrolled for a couple of courses at the local college, bought some basic equipment and set myself up.

Now, ten years down the road, I’ve got a dozen staff working for me and here I am, on my way to Las Vegas for a conference. If I can get the USA franchise up and running I’ll be onto a fortune.

You’ll be suprised how many ladies go for pubic topiary. From a simple wax to some serious artwork. The favourites are the basic landing strip, which, to be honest, you could do for yourself. But if you want the heart shape, the arrow or the question mark, then I’m your man. I like to keep my hand in.

Would you like to come back to my room for a consultation?


Are there any Dolphin Trainers, Astronauts or Penguin Erectors out there?

[FFP]

There are a few dolphin trainers out there Otis !!

A favourite is to say 'I`m a Pilot' as no one ever believes it !

Was introduced to a friend of a friend who proceeded to ask me all sorts of complicated flying questions which were clearly relevant to his type eg What`s the Vat for a Cessna Blah Irrelevant Blah in an attempt to oust me as an imposter !!

Maybe I really don`t look like Tom Cruise after all . .. . . :D

Lighthouse painter, grouse beater and cake decorator all work well !

[Heeed]

What about an "underwater digger driver" - always gets a good reaction :cool:

[Surly Bondslipper]

An old BOAC Captain, jaded by years of responding to inane questions at drinks parties, just used to say that he 'travelled in aluminium tubing' which normally did the trick.

Or How about ' I collect goldfish farts to make the bubbles in compasses'. ;)

[Runaway Gun]

I'm an F-111 tailgunner.... :p

[sangiovese.]

Biscuit designer.....the Bourbon and Custard Cream are the zenith of my career. Always seem to blow it with girls when I ask if they like Jammy Rings though.....:D

[rockmav]

'I'm an evil ferret trader' - its honestly worked before! the ladies love it :D

[PlasticCabDriver]

Mushroom farmer does nicely, but "I'm a plumber" seems to work best of all!

[Captain Gadget]

Saturday 1 Some Sleaford Tech BFT studes decide not to tell girls in nightclubs that they are pilots, because they've been blown out so many times and it's old hat anyway...they meet a couple of girls:

Girl: What do you do for a living then?

Stude: (Thinking quickly) Er...I'm a mortician.

Girl: (Who actually is a mortician - whoops!): Shouldn't I know you? Where do you work, then?


Saturday 2 Suitably humbled after Saturday 1, the studes now have their stories together before hitting the clubs. Meet another couple of chicks...

Girl 1: What do you do for a living, then?

Stude: (suavely): I'm in life assurance.

Girl 2: Bollocks - look at his aircrew watch!

Stude: :mad:

Gadget :ok:

[EmeraldToilet]

Underwater wood welder ??


although the putting the jam into the jam rings one works almost as well...

[Hilico]

"I'm a consultant obstetrician attached to the Vatican. I go round the world investigating claims of virgin birth."

[Ex Douglas Driver]

"We're all lighthouse keepers, and in town for a conference. It's a lonely job but someone has to do it...."
:8

[Phoney Tony]

Our line of defence was to say,

' I work in aluminium tubing'

Bizzarly its' true!

[Mr C Hinecap]

I had been playing rugby with some chaps across the RAF, at a secret rotary base near London Village. The chaps from across the water were off into London for a debauched night of partying sans the threat of Paddy battering them for being RAF. I asked them what their 'cover jobs' were to be, all in the interest of being an efficient young security aware chap.

" I tell 'em I fly helicopters in the RAF " was the retort from the dashing pilot. B@$t@rd, thought I!

I did see a guy with 'Olympic Muff Diving Team' embroidered on his polo shirt tell a group of girls it was a new sport and he was under top secret military training for it. Worked too!

[tony draper]

Hey Mr Heeed, a underwater digging machine does exsist,and one presumes it does indeed have a driver.
Harpooner on a shrimp boat is good.
:cool:

[BlueWolf]

Marine biologist. Rattle off a few fishy names, mention that you admire and respect dolphins, and watch the thighs part. Sad but true....and it works a whole lot beter than "well, I used to make anti-tank guns, but now I make alcohol."

[Dunhovrin]

I used to say I was a biscuit designer till I met a girl who's Mum had invented the Jaffa Cake. So I married her (the girl - not her Mum)..

[Obs cop]

Worked in a partnership with a friend as "Lighthouse Painters". I did the red stripes and he did the white.

I was slightly worried when he managed to win over a young lady by confidently infoming her he was in the music industry. His job? ............. a "Graphic Equaliser".

Ah those were the days.

Obs cop

[albert the first]

My favourites are

1. "Im here representing Britain in the Hide and seek world championship. Quick get down and hide"
"why?"
"the French are in"
"I cant see them"
"of course you cant the're hiding!!"

2. I work for Gosard the bra people and Im on a standiziation trip to compare European Breast with American Breast sizes. I have an innate ability to feel a pair and know exactly what size they are

[MadsDad]

If you're after a way out of the conversation you can always tell them you're a computer programmer and that you'll show them your special digital pencil.

(Although I did have a friend who lived in Italy who used to tell people he was a spaghetti farmer := ).

[Jobza Guddun]

Just tell the assembled throng you work evenings as a fudge packer.

Then stand back and watch to see who clicks on....:D

[c130 alm]

Ive told girls that im a "Dolphin Trainer" too but if you follow it with "im here on a conversion course for whales" it always goes down well. Unless you are miles from the coast. It didnt work in Lincoln but it did get me talking to my Ex Girlfriend (she didnt know she was to become my ex at that time).

My mate always tells girls that he is a hairdresser. They think its so cool and they tell him everything just like they tell their hairdressers. They also give him their number so he can go round and do their hair.

Ive also been part of the Honda rally car team. I do the front left wheel and everyone else has a corner or fuel or something. Goes down well especially with the big Honda plant in Swindon! If they dont believe you then tell them thats its actually the Skoda team and they usually belive you.

This topic is so funny! Keep it up guys!

:D :ok:

[SunderlandMatt]

Due to the ever rising levels of pollution coming from World Industries and America in particular, the temperature of our Oceans is rising each year. This is having a huge impact on the shipping industries. As the sea warms, Icebergs melt and drift into shipping lanes.

My job is to 'catch' these Icebergs and tow them back to the Ice caps, once there to weld them back together. If they were to be left a-drift in the oceans they would drift into the shipping lanes and cause catastrophic damage to the hulls of super tanks and transport vessels.
:cool:

[tu chan go]

For a while, I was a member of the 'Gingaloni Brothers', a travelling acrobatic team.

One barmaid asked us why we all looked different if we were brothers? "Same mother, different fathers" came the reply. "Oh" she said!

"Then why do you all have moustaches (It was a few years ago!) except for him?" she asked, pointing at the only one who was clean shaven.

"He's not a real brother, he married into the act".

(There was a navigator on an OCU who would arrive in the bar on Friday happy hours horizontally at head height through the double doors having been launched by his mates in the corridor outside after a long run up!)

I have also been a dolphin tainer, a fence erector (complete with flying officers who zoom about checking up on us as we erect fences), an interpreter for a visiting Eastern European delegation (I could bluff my way in a totally unintelligible language which I made up as I went along ably assisted by a mate who caught on quick and replied in same!), a pilot ( it worked!) and a digital indicator operator ( a finger-pointer!).

All these only work if you have briefed the team beforehand. I have been the only member of the Gingaloni Brothers in a group of road graders! ("That one is a 5,....that one's only a 2 etc, etc)

[Zoom]

In the States we used to say that we were nuclear submarine captains. I never understood why we didn't just tell them that we were fighter pilots, which we were. The results would have been the same - some successes, some failures, and even the failures would have counted as successes because 'I didn't want the cross-eyed old dog near my **** anyway!'.

I never had the guts to try the post-rebuttal ego recovery technique of stepping back sharply and shouting loudly enough for all her friends to hear 'What do you mean f*** off!' Has a certain charm about it, don't you think? :E

[bighedsmallface]

Always liked M ilitary U nderwater F ire F ighter........................aka MUFF Diver

;)

If that's too obvious - "I work in a shoelace factory attaching the flugelbinders":cool:

[ShinyarsedAdminDude]

Keeper In Charge of Primate Discipline at Edinburgh Zoo (aka Monkey Spanker) usually sparks a short conversation. It only backfires when speaking to the dungaree-wearers outside Greenham Common / Huntingdon Institute etc. Some folks have no sense of humour!:p

[ShyTorque]

Crikey, Shiny, when did you last go to Greenham Common? it's....just a common, now. Are there any dungaree wearers still peeing in the hedge? Didn't see any a couple of weeks ago.

I know a market stall trader who used to say he was a diesel fitter. On a Saturday he held up a large pair of women's knickers and shouted "diesel fitter".....

A mate once told a group of ladies I was a gynaecologist - until I got struck off. They were all intrigued......exactly why had I.....? :E

[DummyRun]

Have tried a few, fnaagh, fnaagh,
Trouble was in the King's Arms, York and DRI, S Yorks they always seemed to know the pre-start checks betterer than wot I did!!!

Load Movin' baby.......

[Boy_From_Brazil]

I have just finished a career as a bottom polisher. The main reason for the career change is that Kylie kept me so busy I hadnt time for any social life. My wife was also getting fed up with the hours I used to spend each day ensuring that Kylie's bum was alway in pristine condition. I hope you guys appreciate all the work us unsung heroes do behind the scenes.

BFB

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I was a victim of one of these clever ice breaking chat up lines only the other day.

This was said with a straight face -

'I'm the SF Squipper'

Translation...

I am the Special Forces Safety Equipment Fitter

He may have gone on to relate how he had changed Night Vision Goggle batteries under fire, but I'm afraid I lost interest. :8

[Lafyar Cokov]

If you really want to get the girls talking - I have used a great chat up line in the past (nicked from someone..but v funny).. Say you work for British Nuclear Fuels and are surveying an area off the coast/in some waste ground near the town you are in, as a possible future dumping ground for nuclear waste. They really love you for this one. Drop in such lines as "The containers are guaranteed not to leak for at least 25 years - so you'll be fine. Your children may notice the effects though" and watch them fall in love...

LK

[prang one]

Dolphin Trainer never fails !!!!!

After a few lines about wet suites , dolphin pools , recurent training in Florida and of course how cute they are and its better than working for a living. One can cut to the chase of how see likes her eggs in the morning.

Also for those tight spots were your miles from any water. The plane that was flying you and fliper to sea world went Mechanical !!!! Because there sure as hell is an airport near by.

Used to use The Aqua dozer driver line but with extensive testing through BFT found Dolphins work best.

Now that I live in canada the only draw back is I can only hunt as the long time girl friend will not give me a licence to kill within the city limits of course:)

[EESDL]

One on from the Lighthouse keeper is the Lighthouse Inspector (gives you sense of authority) - No of steps, flashes per sec etc. Works a treat in Bangor Maine but not so useful in Utah, although it still led to success using the logic: "There must be one as there are no shipwrecks around here"

Some guy (blonde's brother) in Lincoln (not the one in Nebraska) had always wanted to be a lighthouse keeper and wanted to know how to break into the field. His sister was very grateful for me promising him an introduction.........told him to get the RNLI's number out of Yellow Pages and take it from there!!

[I_stood_in_the_door]

assasin always works. tell her your casing the joint, buy a pintof lager and black and heaven awaits.

providing she understands english........

isitd:ok:

[detgnome]

Whilst holding at the Air Historical Branch, used to freelance as the MD of EuroDolphin Japes and Fun. All parties, BBQs and Bar Mitzvahs catered for...contact the boys who do it better and wetter. I still have one of the old business cards somewhere...!

[Capt Homesick]

I have very occasionally claimed to be a danger midwife- my job is to go and assist women who go into labour in dangerous locations, such as cliff faces, caves etc. If challenged that there can't be very many women who get into such situations while heavily pregnant, I can reply "That's true, that's why there are so few of us, I am on 24 hour standby to travel anywhere within a 200 mile radius."
Anytime I am out with my (non-flying) mates, of course, it's all academic. THEY tell everyone within earshot that I'm a pilot before I have the chance to say anything else! :rolleyes:

[Phoney Tony]

Told somebody that:

I had spent 12 Hours being lectured by RAF Reg.

4 Hours sorting out medical admin.

2 Hours ensuring admin, admin was in order(Pay book etc- been in for 25yrs+ and never, ever used one).

'They' thought I was an Admin Sec Off.

Nope.

I is NPA ( Non-Pilot Aircew - I am showing affinity with our Non-Commisiond Aircrew chaps).

Trying my best to go on det.

Why oh why has it all got so difficult.

When I was a lad WE were responsible for ensuring we, as aircrew, were medically fit, jabbed up, had all we needed (Amex card and letter of auth) to go any where in the world.

Now it would appear others have that responsability and ensure we have to endure undue extras admin burden to prove it.

I have wasted valuable time - fighting the admin burden - when I should have been planning my mission.

Sorry if I sound bitter and twisted.................but I am.

[Divergent Phugoid!]

Phoney,

I like it, the old and classic moan and groan method!!

Got to ask though mate, did you pull using this one??


:= :=

[Full ProSpin]

Penguin Psychologist worked well for me once.

Managed to keep going for about half an hour about how their huddling instinct means that those in the middle of the huddles starved to death, and I had to train them out of it. Unbelievably, it worked!

My mate was backing me up as a Snake Dentist, something about the poison rotting their fangs....

[Divergent Phugoid!]

Use to knock about with some guys who "Played" for Torquay Football Club until one night in a club in Lincoln they happened to meet some of the wives and girlfriends of the Torquay FC on a hen night!!

Two of the B#ggers still pulled though!! Something about their passes were equally as good as their counterparts....

[LunchMonitor]

Visiting Cape Canaveral, we were from a UK contract cleaning company, here on a contract to put the shine back on the exhibits. (Yes rocket polishing was a very specialised area!)

One of the Aussies visiting on long look decided that, that evening he would be a physiotherapist, always good for invites to massage etc. On arriving at the bar he spies a large group of ladies and wanders over eventually he is asked what he did.
"I, am a physiotherapist..."
"Great so are we, are you here for the conference too? Where do you work?"