Top Uas Tips

[Large Dave]

With the new Uni term almost upon us, perhaps current UASers and ex-UASers alike could post their tips on how to get ahead on a UAS in the serious manner that befits University Air Squadrons.
Here's a few from me for starters:

1. For those with civvy flying experience:
Impress fellow students and ensure the QFIs know exactly who they're dealing with by affixing a home-made "20 Hours C150" badge to your flying suit.

2. Arrive at the first town night wearing your old Air Cadet uniform (with Nijmagen "medal" as appropriate) and enquire what time drill starts. Chastise other members for having insufficiently polished shoes.

3. When in the bar at the flying station, gain popularity with other mess members by turning on MTV at high volume and explaining "it's a bitching tune". Discount all complaints from groudcrew livers-in on the basis they are blunt and not cool enough to have a flying suit.

<insert more tips here>

Dave.

[Spacer]

Recount tales from previous flying experience on the mighty C-150, with stories such as "flying low over my mates house, while on the phone to him". Or you could always explain to the Boss while taxiing back in (on a very early sortie) that you fell you and he "have a personality clash". Both good ways to make friends and influence people :ok:

[whowhenwhy]

Ensure that all guests within the bar at happy hour at afore-mentioned flying stn are appraised of the fact that you are a real pilot officer, but that you've just got to go on your 6 month drinking and kit de-fitting course at Sleaford Tech to make it properly official.:ok:

[Jordan D]

And these are meant to be real tips?!:D

Jordan

[Right Stuff]

Upon entering the aircraft for your final handling test with the boss, affix a picture of his wife to your side of the instrument panel and stroke it periodically with a wistful look in your eyes.

[Large Dave]

Whilst wearing your favourite Che Guevara or "Adihash" T-shirt under your flying suit, enquire if Clothing Stores does NUS Discount for your replacement beret after you actually believed a 60 degree wash was the best way to get it moulded. Alternatively, win the respect and admiration of regular personnel by simply not moulding your beret. Explain to the SWO that "the moulded look is out", and you're not allowed to handle boiling water without a responsible adult present anyway. Claim aircrew prioirty at the med-centre to hasten the removal of pace-stick from arse.

[SandChopper]

Drink beer, buy a sports car and Sh*g birds!:ok:

[Training Risky]

1. Ponce about at airshows wearing oakleys and baseball caps, hands in pockets, smoking, sleeves rolled up, with hilarious badges combining drinking/flying/studying themes on your grobags. All while explaining to impressed air cadets how you are all going to fly Typhoon once graduated from Sleaford Tech.

2. Ponce about at IOT, constantly reminding direct-entry officer cadets of your ball-bouncingly funny japes at 'uni', how zany you all were and how many times you won the aeros trophy... and how this is just an attendance course for "us on cadetships.. you know".

3. Ponce about at Linton and wear an air of superiority in front of all JEFTS studes in the bar, using hand-movements to describe to the other Harrier and Typhoon pilots fresh from 'uni' what its really like to be a god at 240 kts. And sing all your old UAS songs very loud at Happy Hour too.

4. Ponce about at Valley in front of any dribbling, obviously retarded SARTU stude, and tell him how you were meant to go straight from 'uni' to Typhoon, and North Wales really cramps your social life. And explain to said helicopter stude how easy that 'Huey' on the other side of the airfield looks to fly, and.... "aren't we lucky to have you chaps here to pick us up from short-finals if we stall the jet and have to bang out...."


:ok:

[Right Stuff]

I'd at least have the decency to call it a Griffin

[The Jaguar Fan Club]

A must for the new second years who might just have scraped past their spin/aeros check at summer camp:

Slag off the Fg Off Junior Nav (sorry WSO!) Convexee in the mess bar who has a chop ride the next day by telling him he really should have worked harder at school, and that if he had been a steely eyed UAS "mate" then he would have got a "proper job".

And for new First years:

After barging past Harry Staish at Happy Hour to get to the bar and spilling his drink say "Sorry mate! Can I buy buy you a beer? So what do you do here then?"

or

Tell OC Admin not to be such a "f***ing blunty ar$e, I'm a pilot!"

:E :ok:

[PinkFlyer]

Try not to be completely astounded when you learn that "yes" everyone has shagged the squadron bike....

Steal everything which isn’t nailed down when visiting other stations in an attempt to win admiration from your fellow RAF bobs...

When on your first sortie with the boss look stunned and petrified using the term " we have to fly these civi death traps solo!" when asked how much one is looking forward to ones first solo sortie....

Inform other UAS studes that your call sign is infact Maverick but the paper work is still in the post....

When under instruction from the CFI comment on his/her poor judgement of a flappless approach with comments like "thank fcuk you never made fast jets sir" and "Jesus did CFS lose the paper work on you.... one slipped through the net again".... and "if you could fly like you talk you'd be a fcuk good pilot"

Whilst under the influence of Alco Pops inform the new sq students that mess bar staff are "not real people" and to be treated accordingly. Saying that if they get out of line the official Black Adder approach requires a firm back hand to the offenders face and the shouting of the following line :- "no darling no!"

[brandnew]

Brilliant - keep it coming.

Finally some real self-depricating humour on PPRuNe

How about turning up at Shawbury and starting every single sentence with "when I was at Valley / when I was on Hawks" then getting three hours FE before going solo....

[Wee Jock]

Here's a couple of what not to do's -

-don't visit the control tower and stand to attention when an aircraft lands, and don't fight over who's turn it is to watch the jets with the binoculars when you're up there, either. So un-cool.


:p :p :p

[onthebumline]

fao EMUAS studes who frequent deadloss OM.

Always ensure that when you drive from uni on a friday afternoon wearing civvies you then get changed into growbags in the middle of the heads instead of hiding yourself in a cubicle. This way, when a load of Navy/Army studes walk in on you you look like a complete p***k and give the aforementioned pongos/matelots something to talk about during happy hour.

Later on in the bar, ensure you talk about 10-15 decibels louder than everyone else and swop your dolly mixture rank slides around to make novelty shapes and colours and hogg the pool table before spilling beer on it then comparing body piercings.

Congratulations for winning the Battle of Britain by the way, I would never have been able to get my head around those longgermanwords:ok:

[right chopper]

Nice to see EMUAS still know how to have a good time since Newton closed....
:ok:

[Oggin Aviator]

My few tips:

Don't p*ss on the Boss' wife's legs during a dining in ........ :eek:

Don't have an informal competition to see who can do the lowest go around on a PFL whilst you and your mate are solo in the local area. Trying to get rid of the grass caught up in the undercarriage before the ground crew spot it is not easy

Don't zap the Queen's Flight BAe 146 - a good tick in the box but not worth the subsequent fallout!

Don't stick transparent UAS crest zaps on the headlights of the Staish's car whilst he is at happy hour. Again not worth the fallout.

Don't go land-yachting on the main runway in a howling gale. Its a long way for the ambulance to get to when it all goes pear shaped.

Do use the injured land yacht crew member (who has now lost his sense of taste) in the curry eating competitions with the rival UAS.

Do join, if you are priveliged to be able. You wont regret it.

I could go on, although a lot of it is alcohol hazy memories.

Happy Days :ok:

Oggin
now in the navy - see tip 1 above :D

[Silver Tongued Cavalier]

1) For those 2nd year studes recruiting during freshers week.

Spend the day pursuading incredibly beautiful girls to apply and send them in for their prelim interview fully prepared with a 5 min condensed OASC type brief, including "What the R.A.F letters stands for" and "No, it is not like FreshAir on SkyOne". The old A1 CFI's absolutely love completely wasting their whole day interviewing dim girls with small bums. The young B2 QFI's love trying to get mobile numbers and dates.

2)When turning finals back at Boscombe Down after the solo "Do a PFL into my mates Dad's garden 2" sortie, remember to make full use of of the MATZ by being blown right through the runway centreline and making the VAAC Harrier on finals to the parallel runway do some weird bizarre escape manouvre.

3)When in the Bar later at night be sure to tell all those funny foreign guys how good you were to get a first time pass in your Spin/Aeros check and how much better the Grob is than those ****ty slow Cessna 152s, and that you're now well up to speed on the machine. After all, they're just students too!

[FFP]

More top tips . . . . . .

1) Wear your UAS Summer Camp T shirt to your uni UAS member pub night. This will help you to establish a hierachy eg Camp at Southport 99 beats Colerne 01.

2) Make sure that you religiously fill in your travel claim form for every visit. Realise that no one checks when you were in and that room still exists on the form . . . . . . . . . .

3) Screw the white minibus / Boss's Corsa around the base/local city "dropping off studes at the train station" / on a beach after taking a local girl out on a date while the rest of the camp are on a pub crawl. Ruin/crash the bus/ Corsa or even better get bogged down in a secluded part of the beach late at night and try and explain why it needed to be towed out and why you were down there in the first place with a local girl . . . . .. . . . . . :E

[steamchicken]

Mysteriously fail to exchange a travel warrant for rail tickets, instead relying on looking patriotic if challenged by ticket collector. Keep travelling on it for months.

[witchdoctor]

Squadrom minibuses are suitable modes of transport for drag racing with fellow squadrons along the station runway in the wee small hours.

Do remember squadron minibuses do not have the cornering abilities of a GT3 or Lotus Elise and may therefore be prone to 'interesting' off-road excursions before the return leg.

The railway line passing Woodvale is electrified and is not a suitable venue for inter-squadron naughtiness.:ooh:

Schoolgirls are not considered a passable alternative for student nurses during weekend pissups at summer camp.

If you really must invite said schoolgirls, do not allow yourself to be caught shagging on the floor of the shower block, especially when a camcorder is being wielded.

Breaking down doors in the mess to gain access to the dullest guy in the squadron for some ritual humiliation is not advisable when said guy is barricaded in his room with his dinghy knife drawn.

Oh happy days!!!:D

[SVK]

Ahhhh yes! Those halcyon, booze-fuelled, Tax evading, Soap dodging student days....

Here's a few tips to make your UAS career run that little bit smoother:

1. Don't call the then C in C Strike Command a pr**k because he supports Man Utd - pissed banter does have its limits.

2. Don't return from your Ski Exped with you hair dyed peroxide blonde and then wonder why AVM ****** refuses to have his photo taken with you until you get an 'Officers' haircut.

3. Don't get caught at the Summer Ball running down the runway completely naked save for a viking helmet and expect the rozzers to accept your excuse of, "I took all my clothes off to reduce the risk of FOD" and certainly don't let the rozzers get CCTV footage of it.

4. When the Boss allows you to keep the Sqn Minibus for the weekend to pick up studes from the Train Station, don't take it
on a 36hr tour around Wales. Its pretty hard to explain away the 600miles you put on the clock when the station is 20miles away.

5. When solo, don't do Aeros with the flaps down. Also, make sure that while worrying about the fallout from that incident, you are only feeding from the left tank and come back below minimums on that side. Double Trouble.

6. Declare a birdstrike and come in on a State 2, forcing a few Hawks and a Tornado to depart the circuit when in actual fact it turns out to be a rather large bumble bee.

7. Don't break into the Sqn one night because you are completely pissed and the kebab shops are shut and then proceed to eat the flying rations.

Finally:

8. After a party, make sure all the cigarette ends are put out. Your Boss won't appreciate being called out at 3am to watch his Mess/HQ burn down.


Are there any Red Dragons in the house tonight.....? :ok:

[Mooney12]

Does anyone else smell sh*t?

[FFP]

SVK

You bet your sweet ass there is .. . . . . . . . .?;)

[whowhenwhy]

I don't care, at least he's got a sense of humour, unlike all you other pimply faced little oiks! Never, ever, let the truth get in the way of a good story!

Golden rule kids:ok: :ok:

[Human Factor]

Don't turn the fuel off instead of switching tanks. Gets v. quiet, v. quick. :{

Wasn't me, I hasten to add. ;)

[Sashathehungry]

Some more tips...

1. Those lovely (and all too rare) female studes with an eye for their QFI and perhaps a good tick sheet, make sure to stroke the leg of said instructor when throttling up/down ;)

2. Don't cut the mixture on an EFATO instead of lowering RPM

3. Don't cut the mixture on EFDW on the same sortie :=

4. If the curry last night in the mess comes back to haunt you on GH, request a surprise "Fumes in cockpit" drill to mask the smell :\

5. Don't fly the wrong way round the circuit, especially if a hawk is downwind

6. Some classic comments...

Stude to QFI: "Do the toe brakes work in the air?"

QFI: "Return me to the level attitude please."
Stude: "Do I have to use the controls?"

QFI: "No trip today since the crosswind is out of limits"
Stude: "Why don't we just have circular runways?"

QFI: "The call is "One, on the break, with intentions""
Stude to ATC: "One, on the break with intentions!"

Hungry

[Big Cat Handler]

For budding Freshers out there:

Be very careful of the arrival paperwork and medicals - Affects of G on Sperm Motility Survey anyone?

More owning up to jolly japes and wizard wheezes from before initiation ceremonies were "discontinued" please...

[Zuma Zuma]

I recently heard the story/rumour of the dog-fighting UAS studes...

When going out to the local area for GH solo's, two UAS students (Unknown Squadron) used to arrange to meet up and simulate dog-fights, switching to an unused frequency to let each other know when they had been 'shot down'.

One day, one of the studes was out in the local area on another GH trip and, spotting a lonely squadron aircraft (Bulldog/Tutor?!), bore down on it to 'engage' it. On settling behind the other aircraft, he thumbed the comm switch and uttered a loud "dagadagadagadaga......"

Unfortunately, it was not his friend who he had 'engaged' but the Squadron Boss who ordered him to vector straight back to the airfield and RV in his office in half an hour.

When asked, "What the :mad: were you playing at out there Bloggs?"

He replied, "Well Sir, I realised I was too close for missiles, so I switched to guns."

Does anyone know if this story is true? And if so what happened to the stude in question?!!

[Dr Falken]

Zuma, the story is legend, and therefore probably undisputed fact.

While I was at JEFTS in 95, one of the boys on the course ahead of me joined his 'mate' for a tailchase. To his great disappointment, this turned out to be the boss (or the CFI), and he paid heavily for it when he got back - although there was no evidence of the boys meeting for doggers on a pre-arranged freq.

What you don't want to do on your first UAS solo, is forget to remove your thumb from the transmit switch after your white-knuckle 'downwind' call. The reason is that every bit of self-encouragement, such as "come on mate, you can do it", that you give yourself as you patter yourself through your first shabby circuit may be heard by all on freq. You'd also be wise to realise earlier than on the roll-out after your landing. This will prevent you from receiving any banter from your QFI/mates.

It wasn't me, by the way. :D

[sonicstomp]

I have to admit to being involved with a couple of other studes in some illegal tailchasing when on summer camp in kent some years ago - we used 123.45 as a 'collector'....

Thats what you get when you have 3 waves of solo GH on a friday afternoon :-)

We didn't get caught luckily:p

[Yellow Sun]

Zuma & Dr Falken

Zuma, the story is legend, and therefore probably undisputed fact.

While I was at JEFTS in 95, one of the boys on the course ahead of me joined his 'mate' for a tailchase. To his great disappointment, this turned out to be the boss (or the CFI), and he paid heavily for it when he got back - although there was no evidence of the boys meeting for doggers on a pre-arranged freq.


There's nothing new under the sun! Back in 1966 (When Pontious was a young Navigator) two Cranwell students going solo at the same time arranged to indulge in a little "opportunity formation". A third stude was due to takeoff 5 minutes later and expressed a willingness to participate, so an arrangement was made to join up at FL120 over Coningsby. The first two duly departed and when safely out of sight closed up. No3 then took off and climbed to FL140 in the vicinity of Coningsby where he soon spotted a pair of JPs. He slotted neatly into the No3 position and was just settling down when he realised that the other two aircraft were not sporting the Cranwell "ring of confidence" His subsequent explanation that he had had an airmiss with the pair and closed up on them to establish their identity was met with a degree of scepticism. Neither of the JP crews from Manby had any recollection of an airmiss.

The sad postscript is that the of the three studes involved, 2 were killed in accidents within four years, and no,I wasn't the third.

;) I expect it's all changed now.

YS

[Legalapproach]

SVK

Seems things don't change much with the Red Dragon's. I remember a student who shall remain nameless doing aeros with the flaps down back in the early 80's. The Bulldog concerned then spent a very long time sitting in a hanger. I understand that the same hero did something similar to a Tornado some years later.

There hasn't been a UWAS re-union for some years. The last one was a fairly epic although expensive do largely due to the costs of various repairs that were required afterwards.

Anyone fancy organising another one? Skyrabbit?

[Dimensional]

The new Plastic Fantastic Teutors have a GPS that transmitts position back to a base station for the benefit of the Q's. I can half imagine they'd notice if several of these blobs found their way to the same spot of airspace... :)

(of course, no-one would ever consider pulling the GPS CB and claiming it had just "lost signal", eh?)

[Grand Fromage]

Dimensional,

Is this actually true?

[samson.]

GF: Definitely is true - sorry!

[Dimensional]

GF -- check your FRC's/"Tutor Operating Guide" like a good stude! :)

[Another St Ivian]

Or better yet take a look at it in action next time you are in the tower. The aircraft position is plotted as a blob and tail reg. over what I think is a civi half-mil, with height, heading, etc reports. It's quite interesting to see what everyone is up to!

ASI