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You Know You Are In Africa When.....
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN AFRICA WHEN:
The Pilot Controlled Lighting System consists of a low fly past down the runway at night. The Pilot Controlled Lighting System at an International Airport differs slightly in that it consists of a request to ATC in a neighboring country to make an international phone call back to one’s destination. One is only mildly surprised when a destination airport’s actual location is more than 2 miles away from the published co-ordinates. The 100/100 rule applies, in which pedestrians, cyclists, goats and chickens will not begin to clear the runway until approached by an airplane within 100 yards at more than 100 knots. The pilot of a jet airplane, recently totally wrecked while running at high speed through bush and trees before crashing to a halt 500 meters off the end of the runway, claims not to have been unduly concerned at the time, because “I have done it before.” All of the crew of a jet passenger airplane escapes, unscathed, while most of the passengers perished, after crashing in a ball of flame into a crowded market place. Restrictive ICAO regulations regarding the transport of live animals are resolved by slaughtering the animals with a machete on the ramp. Losing an engine or a propeller has a more literal application, involving being unable to find it on the ground somewhere en-route. The “Go Around” possibilities consist of an unpublished terrain gradient leading to a 15,000 ft volcano. The 2 toilets, locked before takeoff, are discovered en route to contain 15 extra passengers. The bed of a small “backie” is used to control passenger carry-on baggage volume. The only air start unit available, when connected to the airplane, belches flames while leaking fuel over it’s batteries. The new, internationally donated, airport fire trucks stand in readiness to take on diesel and water in case of an emergency. In francophone countries, a commendable education policy is applied. Where conflicting traffic occurs, ATC will deliberately communicate with each in a different language, (different from the one each is using) thereby concentrating minds, sharpening language skills and underscoring the need for TCAS. Communication and traffic co-ordination between two ATC services in the same control zone is not possible because neither one has mobile phone airtime units. Most hard surfaced runways are artistically decorated with elegantly curved black lines, sweeping gracefully off the sides and both ends of the runway. A wheel change can take all day, but an airplane parked overnight can be retrieved in the morning, minus fuel, wheels, landing gear, engines, propellers, seats, instruments and radios. In the event of an “AOG”, parts for most Russian and pre 1970s western airplanes can be purchased conveniently at the local fish and vegetable market. (Should be checked for fire damage before use) The two “spare” wheels on a 4 wheel bogie are considered to be optional extras. Runway repairs are merely a means by which commercial air operators receive government funds to dig up runways, thereby conveniently reducing the runway length in order to restrict commercial competition. “Push Back” consists of a gang of local people manually rotating the tires in reverse. “Cigarette Packet” rules are applied when marshalling taxiing airplanes on the ramp. A strict minimum vertical clearance of one cigarette packet will be maintained at all times between wing overlaps. “Second” and “Segment” are considered by commercial operators to be dirty words when used in sequence, punishable by a salt mouthwash and a salary postponement. :D |
If it wasnt so true it would be funny :\. Especially the ATC part. INto Kinshasa the other day I was halfway down the slope and another a/c was cleared to take off directly into us. After this some gorrilla who stank of booze and had no ID. tried to fine us $1000 for having a flat tyre (it wasnt flat). Also the static line from the fuel truck was tied onto the copper clip in a text book reef knot, with no part of the metal clip connected to the copper wire as the wire was covered in plastic.
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"...... When the Anotonov 12 that reported his alt/speed and location causing you to slow down to maintain spacing... eventually passes 50 feet above you 10 minutes later "...
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.....ATC makes you orbit at 200' to allow another aircraft to enter and backtrack for take off.
....when handling, navigation, parking and landing fee's exceed the GDP of most nations in africa. ....when someone parks a bus infront of your aircraft after engine start because you didn't give him paper with pictures of Benjamin Franklin on it.. .... when ATC tells you to stby 10 times on the last 6 miles before touchdown. ...when 100 people, 10 goats and 4 spare tires for a AN12 disembark from a YAK 40 ... When Ground marshallers park you so your Jet blast is facing the Fuel storage and Bowser.. ...... The airport is a good place for the workers to take a nap. ...... Being an alcoholic is a pre-requisite for being a customs,Immigration or security officer as well as being a chronic sleeper.. |
All True ..& more!!
Only aircrew that have actually operated a lot into Africa, can understand any of this!
The rest of the world cannot comprehend nor understand how this can be? |
Paying 16000 dolleros cargo tax for the privelage of delivering 35 tonnes of high protein food aid in one sub sahara paradise.
Told to track a radial inbound to the VOR while at the same time cleared to a very definitely not co located NDB |
Cleared to track inbound on a radial only to hear departing traffic cleared outbound on the same radial and through your level. WTF?!
Verifying the clearances given with ATC leads to no enlightenment so separation is maintained by comms between the two aircraft, cutting ATC out of the loop. This leads to sulking and long delays trying to get ATC to deliver further clearances.:ugh: |
Or someone being killed outright by a departing fuelbowser, whilst napping in its shadow, under the tires.
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Being instructed to take up a hold over a beacon at the same ALT as two other a/c, ALL below MSA!
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Short finals for Goma when a AN12 cuts in from no where (No broadcast..)
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Qickly, just 3 came into my mind:
-Paying all the ATC, Nav, Lights, etc. fees after doing a GPS approach (VOR, NDB is out of order since the colonials left...or stolen) during daylight while the ATC is having his praying time (not answering the radio of course)... -Even if it's clear for the client that the a/c takes only 19 pax OR roughly 2 tonnes of cargo, they'll still try to make us loading both... -French Air Force... |
AH AFRICA:mad:
Fly four hours to Kigali at night , descend and be told only overhead at 10 000ft that runway lights are U/S, PRICELESS. At least the ATC did not run away.......................... |
The Original Post........
Many Long Time PPruners may remember this - so for the newbe's....
You Know You've Been Flying in Africa Too Long When....... ________________________________________ - You can name the National Beer in most African Countries - You know that 'Clear for immediate take-off - Trafic on final' means they are just crossing the piano keys - A couple of Tuskers or Primus are perfectly acceptable equivalents to sex - 6am preflight is - Two wings, Two engines and a Tail - You know Pilot Activated Lighting is accomplished before entering the aircraft - GPS approaches are not just prefered but required for international airports - 'The Savanah' has become the bar 'Where everybody knows your name' - You actually understand what everyone is saying - no matter what the country - 'I have a headache' - is listed in the MEL as 'Minimum Required for flight' - A WAC chart is best used inside CB's to cover the windscreen - The Ohh's and Ahh's from the passengers are you best form of weather radar - MTOW is not applicable for most flights - 'Can we take it' means 'Will the door still close' - Take Off Distance Required is only relevent if there are trees at the end of the Runway - 'The weather is ok' almost always means inside where I am standing - You consider single engine landings on a twin as recent experience for the VAN - When you hear 'They're fighting again' you immediately respond YES AND.... - Your boss has propossed most entries in Jane's Aircraft Guide as suitable to be operated in Africa - You stopped calling home long ago since they only ask when your comming to visit - You can find the Red Light District whilst drunk and disorderly in any city - A new pilot says he has heard of a great place to go 'The Florida 2000' - and you just smile and say sounds good! TIME TO GO HOME! |
If you dont like it in Africa ,I suggest you go back to where ever you came from.I presume the're lots of jobs out there...you refered to a man as being a gorrilla ..how the hell did you pass your last medical ? you better go check your vision once again. Guys like you just keep on windging about everything around you but still stay on to fly here in Africa.:(
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capnsparrow
Who are you referring to:ugh:
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Capnsparrow you are right. It is these so called gorillas that are destroying Africa and creating jobs for the ‘western world’. If it weren’t for their incompetence there would be far less food aid, medical aid, and humanitarian aid flying all around Africa.
One other thing you mention “stay on in Africa”. What a simpleton. Are you from some racist dark age that you assume, by the tone of your reply, that these comments have been made by Europeans, Americans or some “non African” I can guarantee you they have been made by Africans themselves. They may not be black, but Africans they will be. So they are entitled to stay right here in there home land, Africa and comment on the balls up that 99% of the majority voted governments are making of a once fertile and productive continent. |
It was only a matter of time before somebody like capnsparrow came along to spoil a perfectly good thread.
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Midnight in KRT a few weeks ago.....three aircraft arriving(including ours) and 1 departing. Somehow ATC managed to put us in conflict with ALL of them. It takes a special kind on incompetence to get that right. And why does it always smell like someone has taken a dump outside the L1 door when we open it?!?!?!?
On the positve side, the fuel is half price (yip $700/ton). However it is made with tears of squirrels. Everytime I fly into africa I remember why I left it. |
Like being given the (unasked for) QFE for an airport with an elevation of over 3,000 ft.
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Don't recal reading about a Gorrila.
-The fire fighting crew obidiently suits up and gets in the truck for all arriving jet aircraft. Only problem is that the truck has no wheels. :ugh: -The fire truck is burnt to a crisp whilst the firemen were off fighting a bush fire with their hands due to a lack of functioning equipment :} -Arrive at airfield to find half of it in flames from before mentioned bush fire. -A 421 looses it's nose gear due to the large divet caused by all the people crossing the runway at the same place and a lack of maintenance. -Final landing checks include a low pass at the airfield, followed by a very low pass in order to chase off any, cows, dogs, goats, children, bycicle traders, dump trucks rebuilding the runway (very rare sight) guys on motor bikes who think they are faster than you :confused: -People think you are trying to save the engines by doing a reduced power take off because you use all the runway. Not realising that you have worked out exactly how much the aircraft can take out if said runway at max power, thereby being ultra effecient and not having to leave anything behind. -People think propelors are made of rubber and will not harm you if walked into, even if spinning at several thousand RPM. -You think you have done something to piss off ATC since every time you fly they seem to want to kill you. -The tower is now located on the roof of the airport building, under some orange tarp on a few couches. Whilst the origional was being repainted and had new AC's put in. Toilets in terminal have not worked propperly in over seven years. -During certain times of year you may be one of the lucky few to have Korean or Vietnam war flash backs. As the air is filled with the gorgeous sights of ancient migs. And your in the middle of them all. All the while desperatly trying to land with insane commands from ATC. "Cleared to land 14, wait orbit to the left, one on final, ok cleared to land, oh wait I see another one turning final" :sad: -Always have a camera with you, beautifull scenery and the highest chance of becoming an on scene reporter to some sort of air crash or disaster. Usually once a month or more in some places, if you don't get arrested first for being a spy. -The ancient Migs at the end of the runway are considerded super top secret, even though they have not flown in years and will never fly again. Even though in plain sight, these aircraft are not really there, at least as far as anyone in the army or police is concerned. At least until you pull out a camera. -Whilst off loading your passengers a fully loaded Hind gunship taxi's past to go take on some of the rebels. -Jeppesen says "Fuel available" reality = no fuel in many years. Cue crash course in extreme flight planning and fuel economics that would do the Israeli airforce proud. -The only way to get the ATC's attention is to pass low over the tower. Especially bad during the holidays. -Weather reports are read out regardless of the actual conditions prevailing. Eg, cloud 2500 feet on a Cavok day. Or three mile vis in a thunder storm with enough water to drown a hippo in. -The safest think to drink is the booze. -Precision aproach at some airfields do not require the use of radio/nav aids (Mostly due to them no longer working) But consist of some hand drawn notes reading. "Follow railway line, take right fork, convigure for landing, keep going to football pitch, make hard left onto short finals. This approach can be done as long as you are visual with the ground and minimum descent altitude is two feet above highest obstacle. :} -You know most if not all the voices on the radio :ok: |
Oh yes... and having watched the fueler dump a very large qty of Jet A1 around the a/c and subsequently requested a fire truck to lay foam over it... finally (45 min later) see the fire truck being pushed the length of the runway by 4 'firefighters'...
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gorrila......
cansparrow you are right i humbly retract my statement, I should never have insulted a gorilla like that.:}
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Africa!
I went somewhere or other in Nigeria, Bauchi I think, when I noticed signs of life around the sometimes tower (a parked car there) but replies to my calls got I none, so that I was getting a little bit piqued. Then there came a tiny, tremulous voice, "Sah, de controllah has gone to ease himself..."
"Is that the tower? Who is speaking please?" "Aah, Sah, dis be de tea-boy..." "Aah, Roger. I copy that, thank you. Standing by for clearance, entering left downwind for a visual to Runway (whatever)." According to my German wife I am only white on the outside after too many years in Africa! According to Captain Probationary here I am just another racist. Probably the truth lies somewhere between these two but I think the wife might know what she is talking about. You need to understand whether we are laughing with or at Africa in this, I think, when most of us are laughing with this crazy place. |
Capnsparrow lighten up and don't like there is nothing wrong. No one said we didn't want to be in africa. We're just having a laugh at the number of times it has tried to kill us. :ugh:
You need to understand whether we are laughing with or at Africa in this, I think, when most of us are laughing with this crazy place. |
A clearance containing 6 different instructions take less than 2 sec to broadcast, then gets repeated 3 times more at the same tempo before doing it at a normal pace - and be relayed all the time!
ATC : ''Cleared to land, watch out for the goats on the runway!'' Taxiways closed because the stormwater drainage covers were stolen. The local airforce is u/s, so you get chartered to move some local political types around. MUST be there at 06h30! They arrive at 15h30......Can't get start clearance because you didn't pay their leaders' passenger tax! Can't get start clearance because the President (one of you pax) must leave before any civilian 'planes get start clearance.!! Only in Africa will 3 independant sources guarantee the availability of fuel at destination, only to shrug at your request for fuel after arrival! '' It should come later today.'' There is a vibrant informal settlement both sides of the runway - pedestrians cross at well worn footpaths (areas away from paths should be avoided since minefields were never marked during any of the preceding conflicts) |
...when you lie under the wing having a smoke asking for start clearance with a hand held radio. No point in waisting a good a/c batt.
Great thread. It's been a while since I laughed to much at a thread. |
There are 3 types of people in town: mercenaries, missionaries and misfits.
When the cops stop you at a roadblock at 1 am you all pile out and share the last beers with them and then weave your way home. An intimate knowledge of local driving rules is required, also have to know which man hole covers are missing where - otherwise square wheels. Part of the pax briefing is "don`t fart". Dried fish diets can be well..... Your buddy clears the crowd/market off the runway and comes back only to land on a pig which he then has to pay for. The chap "demanding landing fee`s" is cradling an ancient ak47 with a far away look in his eyes. Every single FIR you cross needs enough info to fill in 3 flightplans... MEL = if it starts you go. Military traffic at same field is on UHF leading to just a little confusion, when you ask about the crater at the threshold.."My friend in mig 21 make 1 loop 2 loop no 3rd loop... Every russian callsign going to the same dest as you always gives his eta as 1 min ahead of yours - supersonic illusions.:hmm: You barter for fruit at one field, coffee at another and get cheap beer from yet another. All the food you eat is flown in. Engineer bursts out laughing when you query about why he has no masking tape and proclaims he will go and get it at the nearest hardware store which is, well 2 FIR`s distant. Tower clears you to land and gives you weather from the METAR when the wind is 15 Kts from behind :}. You know where to land on which runway ie left and then right to miss potholes and or ruts. You do what you think was a really cool landing on a shortish runway with a B200 and some wiseass pisses a 727 in..:p You have an inkling of the east west "other market" traffic at night over the dark continent. "Wakup" from ATC = We Copy. |
SLF, Lagos
Departing Mohammed Murtala International Airport, Lagos 1994 - Latest coup du jour a fiat accompli only yesterday, hostile, suspicious, gimlet-eyed armed soldiers everywhere, hostile, suspicious, gimlet eyed armed security (in civvies) everywhere, confusion, conflicting information, air conditioning in the terminal hasn't worked since Khruschev dedicated it (he did, too), line up to go through metal detector please. No beep, go back. No beep, go back. Soldier: Keep going, it doesn't work anyway. (Had short, interesting and quite friendly conversation with same soldier later during his break, official or unofficial, don't know.) Down boarding tube to Air Egypt Airbus - serious pat-down and baggage examination by a guy packing a loaded sidearm (turns out soldiers in the terminal were never issued ammunition), Air Egypt was *serious* about their own security. After climb-out, exhale, I've gotten out alive . . .
Fascinating place - no idea what to make of it, my heart goes out to many of the people I saw/met/spoke with, but no idea what if anything I can actually do on their behalf. Chances for change for the better? I hope so, but fear not. Glad to be home . . . |
Don't forget the Passengers..... - again for new PPruners...
- When the only seats left are plastic ones - When there are none left so you sit on a sack of rice - When the hostess reminds you to fasten your seatbelt, then realises your seat doesn't have them - When you cannot even see an emergency exit - When they close the cattle ramp behind you and all you see is a wall of freight in front - When a battery start begins with the installation of a cable through the emergency exit - When you point the portable GPU's exhust out the cabin door and start it with pax inside (Fortunately you have earplugs) - When parts of the interior regularly fall apart during flight - When parts of the plane fall off in flight - When one of the pax decides to boil water in the aisle and begins by lighting a fire (True story) - When one of the pax tries to open the door at FL350 because it's too rough and wants out - When the Captain announces 'We are now flying over.....' and one of the pax asks the hostess 'Can you ask the captain to drop me off here' - When the pax, hostess and pilots ALL speak different languages - When one of the pax flys the plane so the pilot can go to the toilet with no autopilot - When the door opens in flight and it's the pax's job to close it - When someone open the emergency exit as they are too hot - When the pilot opens the emergency exit as it's too hot - When live crocodiles are considered carry on baggage - When the same crocodiles get lose (Oh boy!!!) - When night falls, you are still in the air and the captain asks the pax if 'they' see a runway anywhere - When you already noticed one engine stopped a while ago and the other begins to surge - When you notice 45 mins into a 30 min flight that the captain is asleep - When this happens and you only have a 30 min reserve (ie 15 mins remaining) - When you now cannot seem to locate the runway - When you consider - Then again crashing a plane is safer without fuel TIME TO RETIRE!!!!!!!! PS: Remember this thread is for those of us who have or those who would like to experience the Dream of Flying in Africa - it was intended as a little light relief and NOT to mock, slander or express ones political viewpoint - so please remember this when adding your stories or comments - We are all African's - Black or White - Born from the continent or Adopted by it! :rolleyes: |
"Wakup" from ATC = We Copy. |
...when your pi$$ing out of your a$$
....when during a 20min flight ATC asks you for number of board and endurance 17 times. .... When ATC is talking to you and the collision warning horn is going off in the background..Then tells you to stby.( Dar es Salaam jockey's know what i'm talking about).. No working radar everywhere else.. ..when cleared to join the 11 DME arc and ATC asking you every 5 sec's 'Whats your DME now' ..when you respond 'charlie charlie' Pax actually look at the seat belt demonstration because they have never used one before. Or they can't get out of their seats because they don't know how to unbuckle the seat belt. ..When you ask to return to the apron because of a door unlocked light and tower asks if you need fire brigade assistance. ... When security say you can't take your leatherman with you but gives you a gun and bullets belonging to a pax. ...when you declare a mayday and ATC asks you to standby whilst continuing to talk to other traffic who is his relation. |
Say your position?
There was a guy coming into Port Harcourt, Nigeria in an HS-125 who kept giving different distances each time he was asked. "50 D.M.E."
"Say again your distance?" "48 D.M.E." "Confirm 48 D.M.E.?" "Distance now 45 D.M.E." Well, he was doing something like 250 knots! Finally the controller had enough and asked, "Ah! Ogah, why you say a different numbah every time?" Another time we had a guy who was being a P.I.T.A., asking repeatedly for our position. I mean, EVERY 30 SECONDS. Finally I just replied, in my very best Captain Speaking tones, "I am sat up front." Silence, blessed silence, for the next ten miles! Nigeria used to have Okada Airlines, operating the world's largest fleet of BAC1-11s. I would give my distance as 40 miles and an Okada would report 38 and be cleared Number One for Approach at Abuja. Next thing, I would call over the VOR but where was Okdada now? Ah, just 10 miles behind me! "We have reduced speed," would be the answer, which sounds so much better than "We are lying, greedy, undisciplined, little toe-rags." So one learned to reply that our D.M.E. just went off, please stand by. Okada would then give their real distance, something like 50 miles, when I could then tell the truth and be cleared Number One. It is strange but true that a turbo-prop can outrun a BAC1-11 to the ramp close-in below 10 thousand feet if both are doing 250 knots to begin with. |
When six month old babies are raped to 'cure' AIDS.
When octogenarians are beaten to a pulp for being white. People will burn down the station because of a delayed train. Kids beg on the streets while their moms lie in the shade next to the road. You need a criminal record to get into parliament. Shiny sunglasses and numerous neckfolds equate to status. YOu will burn down schools and cry that you have no education. A police/customs/official badge equals access to unlimited riches. ...etc etc... What a :mad: up place.:D:D Getting better by the day. |
Hmm...
So we can mark you down as "one not quite so in love with the Dark Continent," I assume?
Nothing quite as bad happens in Geneva, I suppose. Or is it that nothing much happens in Geneva? Or are you just upset about the football and taking it out on poor old Mother Africa? Whatever... |
Being told (seriously!) by the Chief Engineer, as he nervously re-adjusts his vast white turban, " I am zo zorry ve buggad up your Hot End, I vill bersonally vix it vor you, and I von't let vun of dose dam darkies dutch it!"
Sati, thank you. One of the best engineers I ever knew. God bless! And my other favourite engineer a few yards down the flight line... "Gladstone, sorry, but can you fix this?" (always at short notice) (always with a smile) "OK!" And he always did. God bless you too, Glad. I loved my time in Africa. In 1800hrs I never paid chai, never broke down, and never had complaint against maintenance. |
Ahhh florida 2000! Where every guy "looks like brad pitt"!:ok::}
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The difference between a tourist and a racist is three hours in Harare customs.
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I've spent almost 20 years in Africa, and 2 years as a Businessman, and yeah, I have to agree with most of the posts. Funny thread :ok:
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LostandFound, quite clearly you have never lived and worked in africa. Africa is a ****e hole. Trust me I grew up, lived and worked there for 27 years. EVERYTHING that has been mentioned in this thread is true, and it gets worse. What's being dicussed are actually the funny bits.
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Clearing 3,000' outbound of DNMM
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