boyracer..
 

Nope... but i'm enjoying every word in this thread!!
There's no place like Africa :ok:

I've been creased up laughing at some of the wonderful posts here..
A friend had recounted tales of "Lagos International" as it was in those days and I discounted it as fanciful storytelling.....well, now I'm not so sure.


"Bob" was an Electronics specialist in IT, CCTV, Alarm systems, that sort of stuff.....As he was stuck there for a while, he decided to learn to fly.

The somewhat erratic nature of Tower communications was explained when he visited. Tower radio was , of course, at the top. Unfortunately, the telephone was on the ground-floor...the enterprising staff had circumvented this setback, by making holes in the intervening floors/ceilings through this space,a piece of string dangled,with a bulldog-clip at the bottom end.....The incoming call was transferred to paper, hoisted to "radio" and then diseminated to "traffic."


A large Russian military aircraft, complete with guns,etc. was parked up, abandoned...but he couldn't get near enough to have a proper look.

A group of enthusiasts totally rebuilt a wrecked aircraft, tested engines, controls, systems....came the big day for the first test-flight.
The shiny,freshly -restored aircraft thundered down the runway, the pilot pulled back...........the elevator went DOWN :\

Ah, well, !

there was a low fence around the airfield, patrolling police were armed. shadowy figures would emerge from the surrounding scrub and attempt to vault over the fence.....the police never hesitated.....fortunately, they were poor shots!

"bob" found himself trapped in the country...a large sum saw him leaving on a cargo flight....there are probably still officials holding paperwork detaining him.

True...
 

I will look that thing up and tell you all exactly which type it was but, yes, there was a Russian twin-engine bomber just sat out in the weeds near GA parking.

One of the local madmen, callsign Airport Commandant, was in there tinkering when he triggered the ejection seat. It fired and sent him up, up, up and then he came down, down, down, breaking his neck when he hit the wing so that he was stone dead. Then the authorities came to find that this machine was loaded with bombs and ammo, just parked and forgotten when the Biafra war ended, so that they took it away before anyone else might try to steal a fuze off a bomb, perhaps, and send us all to perdition.

Ilyushin IL-28, Nato codename "Beagle", four aircraft flown by Egyptian crews for the Nigerian government against the Biafran forces in the Biafra War.

When the controller tells you to expedite the taxi whilst on the backtrack, and tells the Let 410 to land short and in front of the backtracking traffic.

This happened yesterday in Lubumbashi.

Gotta love contract :D

or a chap pushing a passenger baggage trolley turns up, and then disobeying all laws of physics, attempts to load the entire aircraft full of bags on to it, and push it to the terminal.

If there were points for persistance.....:rolleyes:

ostriches
 

You know you are in Africa when you have to wait for the locals to chase the territorial female ostrich off the 'airstrip' that is facing your aircraft down and has no intention of moving whilst you are ready for takeoff. This incident got a particularly acid response from our Russian captain...The nearby CB did nothing to improve his mood either and as the leg was less than 10 miles and not great for engine cycles on the aircraft and we were going to a terrible place called Pagak (southern Sudan/Ethiopia) I made sure I did not upset him any further that day.....:p

A ZS-reg BE58 arrived at FVCP a few years ago, and was promptly grounded by the local CAAZ rep as it had "obviously suffered from multiple prop strikes". Said Baron had 4-blade cue-tip conversion!

:ugh: :D

Whilst working with the airport authority in an East African country that will remain nameless. I had two fun experiences.

1. While conducting an aircraft fire simulation the fire engine was called and screamed over to our mock fire scenario. Only to find out from the fireman " Eh, the water she is finished"

2. We asked the airport ambulances nurse to bring her emergency oxygen supply so we could see what set up they where using. SHE BROUGHT THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!

Banangi!!

In Algeria

In bound to Hassi massoud. ATC reports a 90 degree cross wind of about 45 knots with zero visibility and blowing sand. He then proceeds to clear us for descent. He was actually surprised when we told him we were returning to our point of origin in our little 1900.

ct

Wimps...
 

We landed at Hassi no probs today! Must be down to better equipment (a Twotter), superior pilot ability (skygod, me) or perhaps just the luck of the draw, coming in an hour after sunrise (before all Hell broke loose).

I thought I knew what bad weather was from seeing thunderstorms and squall lines in West Africa but this desert!

One desert camp had a container blown over by the wind, something I had loosely assumed impossible and when I read about "sandstorms" I thought that meant, well, "sand" and not, "sand and gravel".

The best part is the way this weather can come up almost out of nowhere. One minute I am out there thinking, "Hoh! Money for old rope, this job!" since the folks back home are stumbling around in freezing fog and I am working on my tan in the cool desert breeze. The next thing you know there is a blast of wind that has the poor old Twotter jumping up and down on its tie-downs like a mad thing and I am cowering inside somewhere thinking about giving up on aviation to join a monastery. Give me a Nigerian thunderstorm over this any day.

Abeche tower in Tchad says: 1..2..3..4..5..5..4..3..2..1 how do you read????
:}:}:}

Ah, yesss....
 

At one point in time Lagos ATC had one radio with a bad transmitter and another radio with a bad receiver.

You would get a call you couldn't read so that you would say, "You are 2 by 2, please try another radio." First problem, the guy on the ground is reading you 5 by 5 so that he thinks "You ah racisst!", dissing the black man's radio.

Finally he switches to a radio that blows your headset off, as if he's sat there on the jumpseat shouting at you. Now HE's 5 by 5 but you are coming in 2 by 2, so that he's telling you to switch to another radio!

That went along for weeks until they finally bothered to believe what everyone was telling them, that they had radio problems. Part of it was expats telling them the transmitter was weak, when they would ask a Nigeria Airways crew, who always told them it was 5 by 5, making some sort of point, I suppose. "My country, my ATC radio,"? No idea, really.

My all-time top favourite was being cleared for the ILS with, "Localiser reported inop, cleared for ILS, report runway in sight." Yeah, three out of four ain't bad, and we still have the GS, the DME and the lights.

The other day we are inbound to Brazza. we get told by the tower that the ILS is U/S but we are cleared for the VOR approach RWY 05. when we get there to our surprise the VOR is U/S and the ILS is working. I querie this with ATC to no avail. No Speek da EENLish! He then proceeds to tell Inter air the same story about the ILS being U/S and clears him for the VOR behind us. All this with lots of rain and low cloud and very little visability.

ct

Poste #115 from Chuks
They were pretty good at it in Accra at the end of 2006.

But with An-124 :{

Chuks will know about this, Lagos.
 

Landing with clearance on 36L had a full emergency stop.

A local chappy had left the long grass to the right, and, pulling up his pants, strode out across the runway.
Without thinking complained bitterly on the radio.
Silence.

"sorry guys", said the twotter on the taxiway, " he did it to me too, dropping his pants for a dump on the way over, he was quick, wasn`t he ?"
That was John Watson, l think, who died in a petrol fire there.
Sorry to lower the tone guys.

A lot of local fuel suppliers see bigger bucks in the larger types and will ignore your requests for fuel in order to be ready to refuel a one off large aircraft just passing through. Their little eyes sparkle at the potential for gravy while ignoring the fact that the local operators are their bread and butter as they require fuel every day while the big ship may pass through once a month. Suppose that's the price you pay for having to get your fuel from a local monopoly, probably owned by some minister. Of course, screwing up the little operator's schedule means nothing.

A little competition may improve things but it's more than likely both suppliers would become slow and useless. Entropy is a powerful force in Africa.

What ? no toilet roll in your flight bag ?
 

l think the second time l filled my pants was in the car park at Port Harcourt trying to make contact with the Shell rep.
Contact made through a partly open car window when the bug hit.

Luckily it was mainly water of course.

Nightmare through the queue and out to the airyplane`s bog for clean up.

l do miss that place.

It is in the checklist under Emergency Evacuation
 

I had one in flight with a passenger. We got him a couple of airsick bags and told him to go play "Dambusters" down the back. What was that code word again...

Anyway it was "Mission accomplished!"

We should make a list of stuff seen on the active at Lagos. "A Peugeot 504 full of Nigerian Army officers" to follow up...

John Watson, gone but not forgotten... I used to watch him down a pint in one long, smooth swallow. He did that once and then, apropos of nothing, said, "It is a brave man who farts in West Africa." Then he ordered another one and carried on without interruption. One of the good guys, there.

You know you are in Africa when...
 

Your driver (crew van) become an 'Ace' in less than 6 months.
By killing one goat, two dogs, a snake (not confirmed), one vulture, and a pig.
Destroying only one windshield and a bumper in the process.

When you still see 10 miles away (and barely above the horizon) this after take off IL-18's black smoke trail...Into the Harmattan's 2SM viz.

When you are happy seeing three droplets coming out of your shower at the hotel....
And, ahhh, maybe I will be able to flush my toilet as well !

When someone proudly guard your aircraft with an AK-47....and only one round in it.

When you laugh at someone asking if this goat tied up on top of this clapped out Renault is a 'pet'
(no, it's the supper! duhhh....)

:ok:

In Hassi Messaud, Algeria, just after airborne:

ATC: "ZS-ABC, what is your minimum rate of climb?"

Us: "Confirm you want our MINIMUM rate of climb?"

ATC: "yes, yes - what is your minimum rate of climb"

Us: "Our minimum rate of climb is zero fpm"

ATC: silence (apart from sound of cogs ticking)

Us: "Our maximum rate of climb is 1500 fpm, would you like us to maintain maximum rate of climb?"

ATC: "Yes please - maintain minimum rate of climb"

Us: (sigh) "Maintaining minimum rate of climb 1500 fpm"