You Know You Are In Africa When.....
Join Date: Nov 2010
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Today you check into your new room in Lagos for a stay of 4 weeks.
You unpack and sleep. Next you try to take a shower - bit difficult as there is no water.
You move rooms into what appears to be a converted cupboard - however there is water (both hot and cold which is a real bonus) and the internet even works (at dial up type speeds of course). So you unpack and decide to take a look out of the window - the view is a bit surprising as it is a view of another hotel corridor and doesn't look outside at all. So you pack again.
The next room seems OK but this time I check for internet and TV - none of either - but at least this time I've had the sense not to unpack.
Finally I move into room number 4 where everything seems to work for now - but I won't hold my breath.
Would have been good if they had offered me room number 4 the first time around, but I suppose my activities brighten up a hotel receptionist's otherwise boring day.
You unpack and sleep. Next you try to take a shower - bit difficult as there is no water.
You move rooms into what appears to be a converted cupboard - however there is water (both hot and cold which is a real bonus) and the internet even works (at dial up type speeds of course). So you unpack and decide to take a look out of the window - the view is a bit surprising as it is a view of another hotel corridor and doesn't look outside at all. So you pack again.
The next room seems OK but this time I check for internet and TV - none of either - but at least this time I've had the sense not to unpack.
Finally I move into room number 4 where everything seems to work for now - but I won't hold my breath.
Would have been good if they had offered me room number 4 the first time around, but I suppose my activities brighten up a hotel receptionist's otherwise boring day.
Join Date: Nov 2010
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Splatter etc.
I'm sure there are thousands of different expressions for this kind of s
t.
At least it seems I touched a topic of general interest.
I had not expected that many replies ...
Or as the former German Chancellor said in 1984: "What counts is the final result."
Back to main topic:
The 7 basic lies you're facing whilst flying in Africa:
1. The car/taxi is coming.
2. Fuel/tanker is on its way.
3. The flight plan is in the system and accepted.
4. Don't worry about anything!
5. Everything is taken care of.
6. It will take 5 minutes only...
7. I'm the General Manager of all ...(Business)... of all ...(Country).
Enjoy!
t.At least it seems I touched a topic of general interest.
I had not expected that many replies ...
Or as the former German Chancellor said in 1984: "What counts is the final result."
Back to main topic:
The 7 basic lies you're facing whilst flying in Africa:
1. The car/taxi is coming.
2. Fuel/tanker is on its way.
3. The flight plan is in the system and accepted.
4. Don't worry about anything!
5. Everything is taken care of.
6. It will take 5 minutes only...
7. I'm the General Manager of all ...(Business)... of all ...(Country).
Enjoy!
Last edited by Himmel-Hund; 11th Jul 2011 at 21:54. Reason: Fingertrouble
Join Date: Apr 2003
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One night in the bar...
The Australian next to me downed his pint of Satzenbrau in one go, looked off into the middle distance then turned to me and said, 'You know, it is a brave man who farts in West Africa.'
I could only nod in silent agreement, for what was there to say to that, really?
I could only nod in silent agreement, for what was there to say to that, really?
Any more?
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when you see the W&B sheet is clearly overweight and tell the OPS that either less fuel in the wings either less pax. They take this literally and tell you to take out some of the fuel in jerrycans and put them into the baggage compartment.
Join Date: Apr 2003
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Do I miss it yet?
We had a paper load sheet and an FMS. With children, half the weight of an adult, you could calculate 5 children on paper as 2.5 adults, but what of the FMS, since it only took whole numbers?
I once explained to an FO that he could put 2.0 adults in as pax for the equivalent of 4.0 children and then put 35 kilos of baggage as the equivalent of 0.5 adults or 1.0 children and, Sha-zam! the numbers came out right for 2.5 adults/5.0 children on the FMS!
'But, Captain, we cannot put a child in the baggage compartment! That is not allowed!'
'Err, no, you see, the load sheet is 'Weight and Balance,' when the children really are in the passenger compartment, but the FMS only shows 'Weight,' so that it doesn't matter if a child is in there as 35 kilos of baggage or not.'
'But the child cannot go in the baggage compartment. That is not allowed.'
'Umm, never mind. Just let me do the calculations and you can fly this leg.'
I once explained to an FO that he could put 2.0 adults in as pax for the equivalent of 4.0 children and then put 35 kilos of baggage as the equivalent of 0.5 adults or 1.0 children and, Sha-zam! the numbers came out right for 2.5 adults/5.0 children on the FMS!
'But, Captain, we cannot put a child in the baggage compartment! That is not allowed!'
'Err, no, you see, the load sheet is 'Weight and Balance,' when the children really are in the passenger compartment, but the FMS only shows 'Weight,' so that it doesn't matter if a child is in there as 35 kilos of baggage or not.'
'But the child cannot go in the baggage compartment. That is not allowed.'
'Umm, never mind. Just let me do the calculations and you can fly this leg.'
Join Date: Feb 2001
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... you read stuff like this :
The airline's chairmain said that there were 110 people on board, 53 occupants survived, 46 bodies have been recovered, 11 people are unaccounted for.
On Jul 8th the provincial governor reported 42 occupants have been rescued alive, 68 bodies were recovered, the search for the remaining people is still ongoing.
On Jul 13th the provincial governor reported 43 survivors are in hospital care in various hospitals of Kisangani, 75 occupants have perished.
DR Congo's central government said, 49 occupants of the aircraft were rescued alive, 63 people died in the accident.
Other government sources later released figures of 53 survivors and 127 casualties explaining the airline had underestimated the number of occupants.
On Jul 8th the provincial governor reported 42 occupants have been rescued alive, 68 bodies were recovered, the search for the remaining people is still ongoing.
On Jul 13th the provincial governor reported 43 survivors are in hospital care in various hospitals of Kisangani, 75 occupants have perished.
DR Congo's central government said, 49 occupants of the aircraft were rescued alive, 63 people died in the accident.
Other government sources later released figures of 53 survivors and 127 casualties explaining the airline had underestimated the number of occupants.
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On August 25, 2010, a L-410 crashed with 20 fatalities in Bandundu, Democratic Republic of the Congo. According to the sole survivor, the crash was caused by a stampede of passengers after a crocodile escaped from a bag in the cabin. The crocodile itself survived the crash, but was killed by rescuers.
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Three men, an Irish farmer, Julius Malema and a Boertjie are all granted a wish by a Genie.
The Irish farmer wishes that all the land in Ireland will be the most fertile in the world, forever and ever.
POOF, this was done in a flash and the Irish farmer was very satisfied.
Malema was next, and very amazed and impressed at this display of power. He started his wish: "I want all the whites to be removed from Africa and a wall must be built around all of my black brothers and sisters to protect them. This wall must be so high and so strong that no whites can come into our land at all.
POOF, this was done in a flash. A great wall surrounded Africa . Julius Malema glowed and glared at the Boertjie triumphantly.
Boertjie said: "Before I make my wish, tell me more about this wall"
Genie: "It's 5,000ft high, 5,000 bricks thick, nothing gets in, nothing gets out, guaranteed"
Boertjie lights up his pipe, smiles and says "Maak hom vol water Boet! ......met eish ja, met eish!
The Irish farmer wishes that all the land in Ireland will be the most fertile in the world, forever and ever.
POOF, this was done in a flash and the Irish farmer was very satisfied.
Malema was next, and very amazed and impressed at this display of power. He started his wish: "I want all the whites to be removed from Africa and a wall must be built around all of my black brothers and sisters to protect them. This wall must be so high and so strong that no whites can come into our land at all.
POOF, this was done in a flash. A great wall surrounded Africa . Julius Malema glowed and glared at the Boertjie triumphantly.
Boertjie said: "Before I make my wish, tell me more about this wall"
Genie: "It's 5,000ft high, 5,000 bricks thick, nothing gets in, nothing gets out, guaranteed"
Boertjie lights up his pipe, smiles and says "Maak hom vol water Boet! ......met eish ja, met eish!
Childrens prizes - gotta love it
This recent report took the cake:
AN ISLAMIST-BACKED radio station in Somalia has awarded assault rifles and hand grenades to the winners of a children’s Koran recital competition.
Andalus radio, run by the al-Shabab rebel militia, said the first prize was an AK-47 and £450 (€517). The runner-up received an AK-47 and £320, while the child who came third received two F1 hand grenades and £250. The three children also received religious books.
AN ISLAMIST-BACKED radio station in Somalia has awarded assault rifles and hand grenades to the winners of a children’s Koran recital competition.
Andalus radio, run by the al-Shabab rebel militia, said the first prize was an AK-47 and £450 (€517). The runner-up received an AK-47 and £320, while the child who came third received two F1 hand grenades and £250. The three children also received religious books.
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Four men were apprehended by police in Harare. The police forgot to handcuff their captives and then left them unattended in a police car whose engine was running, while they chased after another suspect. The four suspects put the car in gear and drove away, chased by the Police in a second car which proceeded to run out of fuel before the men could be re-arrested. The Herald newspaper described the escape as “the conclusion of an otherwise highly-successful police operation.
The report that Air Zimbabwe, teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, had just received yet another emergency cash injection from the government. The 2.8 million US dollar bail out had finally managed to break the airline’s two month long strike. On one of their first resumed flights, from Victoria Falls to Harare, there was only one passenger on board an aircraft which seats 60 people. Talk about a good way to make a return on government money!
The report that Air Zimbabwe, teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, had just received yet another emergency cash injection from the government. The 2.8 million US dollar bail out had finally managed to break the airline’s two month long strike. On one of their first resumed flights, from Victoria Falls to Harare, there was only one passenger on board an aircraft which seats 60 people. Talk about a good way to make a return on government money!
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Again in Zim, several years ago the Guvment put up 4 anti aircraft guns to protect their newly acquired satellite communications antenna near Mazoe. However the failed to tell anyone about it and when a Zim Air Force DC3 lumbered overhead the AA guns let rip. Luckily they missed.
Pambere lo Jongwe...
Pambere lo Jongwe...