In a startling new development Mike (Himmler) A$$lich was last night taken by militants from a new break-away militant group, BRAIN (Bristow Against Imlach in Nigeria), along with his 'enforcer' Foamy 'Kill-em' Coolings
. The elite terror hit group carried out a 'swarm' attack in a formation of armored Humvees. However, things are not all going the militant's way. On arrival at their top-secret hideaway behind the 'Green Crocodile' A$$lick immediately brought out his PDA and explained how they had used unnecessary and unaccountable force and that he should actually have been taken by only three people in a 504, which would have saved them N23,462. Had they carried out a proper cost-benefit analysis on this attack and set realistic KPIs they could make 16 militants redundant and sell 2 of the Humvees at an amortised profit of N3,462,846. The only other way they could have got even close to this was to charge N142 per portion for yam chips at all militant training camps and introduce a charge for coffee, a measure he, himself, had found most beneficial. He also mentioned that according to international law, the Geneva Convention and the UN laws on the enforcement of human rights, any ransom demand should be reduced by N5375.68 per day for the illegal use of his car, 11.6 kobo for his driver (who he would anyway immediately make redundant to cut costs) and $1427.68 per day, plus expenses for his own professional advice. The BRAIN militants immediately countered with a top-secret ransom note to Oppo Dire Yellow Key for N38 million for the safe return of A$$lick and 38.76 Kobo for Coolings. Negotiations continued with a counter-proposal from NUAZI, who said that in a straw-poll of their members they were willing to pay N864, two cows, three goats, a case of Star and 2 bottles of aromatic Seamen Schnapps if BRAIN would keep A$$lick and 253.67 kobo for Coolings. Last news is that negotiators feel that the figures are actually fairly reasonable, but they would be willing to add a biography of Olusegun Obasanjo, a signed photograph of Abubakar Tafawa Balewa in a gilt frame, $153.59 in a secret numbered Swiss Bank account (number 89561341213) with Credit Suisse Zurich branch, Paradeplatz 8, 8001 Zürich and 5 jars of coffees from the Nescafe Suraya collection, provided the militants were perpared to hold him until his contract renewal next year. In addition, expatriate members of staff unanimously agreed that they would contribute a framed gilt plaque with his name mis-spelt and his dates of service incorrectly entered, as fuel for a 'captive weekend' barbecue for their beleaguered boss. Things seem to be at a stalemate, but a spokesman for the JTF Col. Agbade Onyaechmugulogonuwekpemeasan said that he was confident that with the aid of minimum force (because the military are not engaged in a war against Bristow) everything would be resolved within the next 10 years and Mr Armlich would enjoy all the benefits of preserved salary and pension he would accrue from his delightful stay with all the friends he has made during his many years in Nigeria with Haker Bews and Bristow.