African cuisine requires a matured palate and even at times cast iron constitution so as no to embarrase yourself when presented with favourites by your would-be hosts such as Juicy Large White Live Suculent Worms - Let's see Gordon Ramsey do that without a F..k Me!
One such experience revolved around a tube of locally produced luncheon meat, the reveared African Coke bottle and an early morning flight into rebel territory......
Having loaded the interior of the Aztec full of plastic containers containing Avgas for the 10 hour round-trip - Uncle Sam (Not his real Name) set off to rescue a group of mine workers under seige in rebel territory - luncheon meat and Coke at his side.
His only sollace this fine morning as he flew eastwards, low level above the tree tops was the portable ICOM HF radio connecting him with the home base and the constant chatter of the company operations personel.
After a couple of hours of this he decided breakfast was in order and proceeded to attack the meat by his side with his Leatherman like a wild animal - grasping red chunks between his thumb and the sharpened blade - ah fine dining African style he scoffed as he swilled a mouthful of Coke down his gullet to mute the strong aftertaste of the unknown meaty surprise.
Within 30 minutes he was wishing the butcher and the dog catcher who supplied him a quick and untimely death as he wrenched in pain trying to hold back the tide just like placing ones finger in a dyke while the plane ebbed and bounded with every flinch he made.
His desperate call to operations for help was quickly answered fearing mortal danger was immenent and death would surely result within minutes. After a brief but painful explanation, Sam who was by now reduced to tears as the green carpet stretched out in front of him and salvation slipped beyond his grasp, while the operations personel were reduced to a couple of hysterical laughing hyenas as he detailed the situation and considered ****ting there and then in his pants.
Then he heard the words of God above him - or so he thought at first - "Use the Coke Bottle" - his boss had been summoned and was taking matters into his own hands. Now Sam was a good pilot and held a degree in enginering but for the life of him could not envision how "That would work", frustrated by now he was ready to blow!
Next came instructions from the speaker above detailing in James Bond style how to scalpt a brown bomb using a leatherman and un upturned Coke bottle - which when finished and placed between the two front seats transformed the Aztec into the most holy place Sam would ever know! The experience was in fact religious and akin to the parting of the Red Sea or the deliverence of the Ten Commendment's to Moses.
When finished the words of God continued - "now open your storm-window and point outwards" - the stench will be worse than a taste he was assured - now "drop vertically" and breath a sigh of relief. Sam followed carefully and precisely all that he was instructed to perform and calm was restored once more to the African Skies!
So the moral to the story - in Africa you can always make a plan - I have heard on occasions aircraft making in-flight diversions or emergency landings on roads for toilet emergencies in light aircraft. Coke bottles although versitile are not unique - plastic shopping bags and UNHCR tarps are perfectly acceptable equivilents. You just have to think Outside of the Box!
