Erm, what is "salad"?
It is a distraction device intended to keep the fairer sex safely away from one's Weber. Because they are unable to cut open a bag of letteuce from Waitrose, throw in a hastily despatched tomato or few plus a couple of peppers hacked up with the biggest bloke-knife in the kitchen (whatever that is), they will tiddle about for hours trying to emulate whatever ar$e idea some TV-chef has come up with in the previous week. It probably involves some weird designer-veg found only in bloody Islington - and the whole thing will be dressed in the most expensive famous-name gloop available. They also view a half cucumber as something sinister about which you will snigger with your mates whilst making fire and blowing the froth.
Salad is, of course, the aircrew conscience needed before the annual bollock-fondling by some drunken quack in the Med Centre. It's a piece of piss to sort out:
1. Go to Waitrose, buy large bag of 'Mixed Salad'. Open same.
2. Also get a couple of peppers - one green, one red - some tomatoes and a cucumber. Chop coarsely (none of this slicing nonsense) and add to 1. Do NOT bugger about washing it - there's no need and it wastes time. Any subsequent gippy-tummy can soon be cured by either another beer or, if serious, 50:50 brandy and port.
3. DCO - but for added pose to impress, chuck in a few cashew nuts and some small cubes of cheddar.
4. Make a thermonuclear dressing from olive oil, chopped garlic, chilli flakes, English mustard and vinegar. Pretend it's an old family recipe which girls wouldn't understand.
5. Add 4 to 3 - then say it's "Getting in touch with one's feminine side". Absolute bolleaux and a complete lie, but it stops the wimmin complaining that you've taken over..... They can always talk about fluffy kittens or Rick Astley or somesuch female rubbish.
The whole process should take no more than 3-4 minutes - if you really need brownie points you could do this whilst quaffing and waiting for the charcoal to heat up. This will prove that not just girls can do multi-tasking........