B.A. (Beancounter Airlines) announces the following important changes to its retirement policy for aircrew employees:-
As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for departmental purposes, we are going to out down on our number of Personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be put into effect immediately. The program will to known as RAPE. (Retire Aged Persons Early)
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)
All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also apply for a trial service. This will be called SHAFT. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Progress policy dictates employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee fills the above requirements, he will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service) and AIDS (Assured incentive Disbursement for Service). HERPES/AIDS is considered a bonus plan as the employee can no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
SIGN-UP FOR ADDITIONAL TRAINING
It is now, and always has been, the policy of the Company to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training ( SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than any other Company in this area. If any employee feels he/she does not receive SHIT on the job, see your immediate Supervisor immediately. Our management are especially trained to assure you that you will get all the SHIT you can stand.